RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave?

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softness -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/24/2008 1:27:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 and mold them into the perfect 2009 model Supersub. ooooh are the model specifications out already? .... is she brunette this year .. or blonde again? (was kinda hoping to keep my hair colour this year)

badlilthang -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/24/2008 2:34:17 AM)
Warning - mushfilters might be needed here!! To me it is like music. If He can not hear my music - He should not ask me to dance. If i do not like the song He sings - i should not try to sing them. It is about harmony for me. To fullfill His needs simply because every fiber of me needs that, too. To trust in Him to be there for me when i fail - to lift me up when i fall, and also severly punish me if i do not try my best or try to wiggle my way out of less "fun" tasks. To praise me when i have reached a new goal or done something that is hard for me - but succeed in doing. Also - for me - it is just important that He trusts me with His blues - that i can be His confidant and best friend - that He can learn from me - and also seek advice from me. i am His slave - but i also do have a sound mind He should enjoy. That we can laugh together - joke around...and also have the connection that merely a look from Him or a gesture - will shift Uus back to Master and slave...always being safe in the knowledge Who is i charge. i love to surprise Him. i sent Him flowers and He was totally amazed. Small nice mails - pictures and such - making Him feel loved and that He is on my mind also when i do not see Him.. To say it like a clichè - He is the center of my universe - and i feel so alive in His presence. i am not a lesser person without Him - i am safe with who and how i am - it just shines more around Him somehow...grins... ok...mushfilters can be removed now..lol...

ownedgirlie -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/24/2008 3:00:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: softness ooooh are the model specifications out already? .... is she brunette this year .. or blonde again? (was kinda hoping to keep my hair colour this year) Definitely brunette this time around. [;)]

BKSir -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/24/2008 3:16:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie quote: ORIGINAL: softness ooooh are the model specifications out already? .... is she brunette this year .. or blonde again? (was kinda hoping to keep my hair colour this year) Definitely brunette this time around. [;)] Aw damn... I was SO hoping for something in a nice shade of red this year. Guess I'll keep my current pet for another year. [:D]

julietsierra -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/24/2008 3:26:21 AM)
A Dominant's responsibility to sub or slave.... hmmmm: They're actually the same as a submissives in many ways. (and these may not be what dominants think are important, but they're what I believe are important - they are the traits I look for.) 1. Know yourself. Know yourself. Know yourself. I can't stress this enough. If you don't know but want me to be able to cater to you, how do we get this right if you don't know what you want in the first place? 2. Have a vision (see #1), both for what you're doing now and in your future. Then, know how you want that submissive/slave to fit into that future. In other words, if you're swinging left and right, depending on what way the wind of popularity amongst dominants is blowing, you're leaving your submissive/slave out there at the end of your "whip" (not the real one.) Remember what happens to the people at the end of the line in a game of "crack the whip?" Eventually, they can't hold on and fall away. 3. Call a spade a spade. Everyone likes to say they like honesty - right up until the person they want honesty from is honest - and then they get all weird about things and act like they'd have preferred the lie. But be brutally honest - even when what you're honest about hurts. As a codicile to this - and perhaps even more importantly, be honest with yourself! 4. Be courageous. I don't mean the whole beating the chest and proudly proclaiming "I AM MAN! (or WOMAN)" kind of courageous. I mean sometimes honesty takes courage. Sometimes honesty can signal the end of a relationship. But PLEASE... be courageous enough to state your truth - no matter what may come of it. 5. Don't waver. Yes yes, I know that life involves compromise, but if you have things that are important to you, don't waver. This consistency helps quite a bit when someone is trying to serve you. 6. I don't care what a mean-ass son of a bitch you can be. Recognize that the person serving you IS a person - even when objectification is a fun activity. Sometimes they need you to recognize this fact. 7. Recognize that sometimes, caring for someone's growth means doing nothing so that they can figure things out on their own. Be responsible enough to know when to step back and when not to. It won't diminish your power and authority as a dominant and it will help your slave/submissive grow as a person - even if she/he in wondering why you don't step in to solve their quandry for them. 8. The phone lines work in both directions! Take advantage of that fact. 9. While you are expecting a submissive or slave to be all she can be for you, be all you can be - both for you and for that person. He or she is relying on you for direction, and if you don't have a direction, how can that he or she serve? 10. Finally! Your word is your bond. More than ropes, chains and all the other stuff. mean what you say and say what you mean. Those are my views of the responsibilities of a dominant. juliet

ResidentSadist -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/24/2008 5:18:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl to provide me with lots of pizza, diet pepsi, and of course...chocolate... quote: ORIGINAL: Diphon Heh, I was going to mention chocolate specifically but decided it was just naturaly included under happiness, because what is happiness without chocolate. quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie I expect him to be true to himself as a man and Master, and to manage and guide this relationship to the best of his ability. .......... quote: ORIGINAL: softness for him not to be a fucktard unless that is what they agreed to quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Whatever it is you decide in your relationship. For me it is that he is true to himself and honest to me about it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To the OP: I believe your OP to be sincere. However, it is an impossibly broad question with as many individually correct answers being equal to how many individuals are having BDSM having relationships. With 5% - 10% of the population practicing some form of BDSM, that means there are 525,000,000 individually correct answers to your OP. I suggest we take a summary of replies so far and create an official answer that is CollarMe and politically correct. Official Answer: "A Dom is supposed to provide his submissive copious quantities of chocolate (or other creature comforts as determined), not act like a fucktard, remain true to himself while conducting a relationship in the style and terms you have decided to agree upon." I think that covers it. A very universal answer for a universal question don't you think?

Surrenderwithin -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/24/2008 9:26:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostkitten2 I have heard a lot about what is expected of a sub, what is expected of a slave, but not so much of what is expected of a Dom. Surely it is not just to sit back and have a beer while his responsibilities are taken care of by others? Or ignored? What does a sub or slave get to expect from a Dom? Before, and then after being collared? I know some slaves or submissives who would be quite content to have a Dominant who would just sit back and allow them to serve. If a person is seriously service oriented, and have other needs met elsewhere this could be an ideal situation for them. My point merely is, this could work for some as everyone is looking for something different.

MasterDragon1963 -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/25/2008 8:11:29 AM)
When you ask this type of question, most of the replies are going to be around the "what ever works for you", the same vague mundane minimum information responce, however I did see several informative replies. When asking what a Dom expects of you, heres a hint, expect to get back only as much as your willing to give. If your only looking for a weekend play partner, dont expect a long detailed answers. If your looking for a 24/7 TPE, then you should expect them to provide very detailed information "mine is about 14 pages, and thats without the scene stuff". Master Dragon

DesFIP -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/25/2008 8:21:18 AM)
We're in more of a Daddy/pet situation than julietsierra is. So here he doesn't sit back and watch me not cope telling me that my suffering will be good for me. Here if I can't deal with something, he does step in. And because he does and I know he will if necessary, I cope better than I did before him. It's important for me to know he has my back and will help if I need. Oh and he deals with house repairs and heavy stuff because he's stronger than I am, and because he doesn't want me covered with grease, but instead doing girly stuff and ready to fuss about him all sweet smelling when he gets back in.

leadership527 -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/25/2008 8:33:37 AM)
Dragon & Sadist: I completely agree that this topic is unanswerable due to individual variance. But don't you think there's some value in at least hearing all the different perspectives and viewpoints? As an almost complete newbie myself, I personally find value in these sorts of threads. Sure, I get it that a lot of what I read won't apply to me. But some of it does and finding those gems is very worth reading all the parts that don't work for me... at least to me.

AquaticSub -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/25/2008 9:25:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostkitten2 I have heard a lot about what is expected of a sub, what is expected of a slave, but not so much of what is expected of a Dom. Surely it is not just to sit back and have a beer while his responsibilities are taken care of by others? Or ignored? What does a sub or slave get to expect from a Dom? Before, and then after being collared? The way I see it is that expectations are what you agreed to, regardless of the titles used. I expect him to love me, control me, want to spend the rests of his life with me, and inspire me to kneel like no one else ever has. What I get from him are all those warm gooey emotions you find on greeting cards, a sore bottom, and someone who understands me. In all walks of life there are always going to be those who want to play but not commit. Some just aren't ready at the moment, others never will be and others still just need to find the right person to commit to.

cillydom -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/26/2008 1:43:05 PM)
after a scene its the doms responcibility to check for a pulse

MrPrefontaine -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/26/2008 3:25:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Diphon But the quick answer in my opinion is Health, Happiness, and Safety. Great answer! Within the area of "Happiness," I'll add that a Dom has a responsibility to see that everyones needs are met. The slave's needs (and sometimes, "wants") may not be a priority. They should always be a consideration.

califsue -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/26/2008 3:59:33 PM)
As others have stated it is as individual as each relationship defines their roles. However, when I asked Master what his role was this was his answer to me: A teacher, guide, protector, lover, friend, owner. One who uses all of his experience and powers to instruct, guide, praise, punish and assist in the growth of his chosen one. To bring her to a more complete and satisfying self-realization. To make her appreciate her true self-worth and to bring her to recognize who and what she is. To take the raw material, recognize it's hidden values and bring them forth. To put controls and policies into place in a previously uncontrolled or improperly controlled energy source, in order to redirect it in a positive, constructive direction. To build on talents, explore previously undiscovered abilities and interests. To pursue personal limits, stretching them and by that, expanding growth. To protect and defend the slave from herself and the outside world. To give love, understanding, friendship and companionship in many forms, both physical and mental. To be open to her expressed needs, pains, problems and hurts. Listening, assisting and helping her direct her energies to correct and resolve negative issues. To allow her to draw from my energy, to become stronger, more confident and successful. To allow her to serve, unbridled, and by providing pleasure, deriving pleasure. To break down her barriers and basic persona and rebuild it from there. To own her completely. heather

KnightofMists -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/26/2008 5:01:47 PM)
What to expect?..... that really depends on the Dom..... For some.. .you can expect not to have expectations realized for some... you can expect to have things exceed expectations and then... you can expect to have exactly what you expected. More importantly.. is the expectations.. Realistic in the given situation? and also... does the expectations meet your needs and wants?

julietsierra -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/26/2008 5:03:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP We're in more of a Daddy/pet situation than julietsierra is. So here he doesn't sit back and watch me not cope telling me that my suffering will be good for me. Here if I can't deal with something, he does step in. And because he does and I know he will if necessary, I cope better than I did before him. It's important for me to know he has my back and will help if I need. Oh and he deals with house repairs and heavy stuff because he's stronger than I am, and because he doesn't want me covered with grease, but instead doing girly stuff and ready to fuss about him all sweet smelling when he gets back in. I guess I didn't express myself well enough with that one. It's not about letting someone suffer because it's good for them. It's about knowing which situations need stepping in to help and which ones don't. I've met sooo many people (submissives) who seem to think that all their troubles will come to an end with the addition of a dominant to their lives. Those folks seem to never take responsibility for their actions, never learn to grow beyond where they are at that given moment. I've also met so many dominants who feel is is their responsibility to step in and solve every single difficult situation that comes down the pike for that submissive. And what they do is often quite welcome - of course. The problem is that while they're solving all those situations, the submissive is never learning how to overcome difficulties in her life. I guess it's my premise that if someone is helping someone grow, it's also about growning in the ability to care for one's self and handle those things on their own. Domination and submission then becomes - to me - something both people are entering into willingly - not because one can't handle the day to day workings of her life. I really hate it when people attempt to explain the things we do using the analogy of parents and their children, but it so works here. When our family members are learning tough lessons, we're there to support them while they learn, but I'd venture to say we're not doing the work of learning for them. We're letting them fall, then helping them up as they learn to cope with whatever difficulties they are encountering. I see D/s in that same manner. A dominant shouldn't be so quick to step in and solve things. It doesn't mean he doesn't have the back of his submissive. It means he's making some decisions as to what is important to fall on and what is important to help solve - and then, acting responsibly to do what's right for that submissive. Then again, I like that submission should be a choice knowing that life isn't really about to get easier, but a bit more difficult as you face things you may never have faced in your life. And I like that dominance should be less about taking over than by precisely having someone's back. That way, at least speaking for myself, when I submit, I know I'm doing so even though life's not going to be a walk in the park. In another thread, someone asked what people's favorite submissive is in fictional works. Now, I don't know about whether it's fiction or fact, but I agreed that the person I felt was the most submissive was Jesus. He didn't sit back and wait for his father to get him out of his situation. He knew full well what was coming and even while praying he might be "let off" he knew it wouldn't happen and he went forward and did what he had to do. Someone once pointed out to me that submission isn't really submission if everything you do is something you'd always wanted to do in the first place. I mean, if we only submitting to what gave us a thrill, that's not actually "submission." That's just getting what you wanted in the first place. So... sometimes, submission takes on a more difficult role. We know we're going to be asked,told, ordered (you choose the verb) to do things that are difficult. If we never have experience dealing with the difficult, we don't grow. And that's what I meant about letting the submissive solve some of her own problems. juliet

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/26/2008 8:33:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostkitten2 Yes, it is the negotiation between the two parties involved, but surely playing and dumping isn't on any subs list of things they want from a Dom. Well when you're talking about a hot fun scene, actually that's a top desire for a heck of a lot of people. Not the same as a Ds relationship though.

Kana -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/26/2008 8:51:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra A Dominant's responsibility to sub or slave.... hmmmm: They're actually the same as a submissives in many ways. (and these may not be what dominants think are important, but they're what I believe are important - they are the traits I look for.) 1. Know yourself. Know yourself. Know yourself. I can't stress this enough. If you don't know but want me to be able to cater to you, how do we get this right if you don't know what you want in the first place? 2. Have a vision (see #1), both for what you're doing now and in your future. Then, know how you want that submissive/slave to fit into that future. In other words, if you're swinging left and right, depending on what way the wind of popularity amongst dominants is blowing, you're leaving your submissive/slave out there at the end of your "whip" (not the real one.) Remember what happens to the people at the end of the line in a game of "crack the whip?" Eventually, they can't hold on and fall away. 3. Call a spade a spade. Everyone likes to say they like honesty - right up until the person they want honesty from is honest - and then they get all weird about things and act like they'd have preferred the lie. But be brutally honest - even when what you're honest about hurts. As a codicile to this - and perhaps even more importantly, be honest with yourself! 4. Be courageous. I don't mean the whole beating the chest and proudly proclaiming "I AM MAN! (or WOMAN)" kind of courageous. I mean sometimes honesty takes courage. Sometimes honesty can signal the end of a relationship. But PLEASE... be courageous enough to state your truth - no matter what may come of it. 5. Don't waver. Yes yes, I know that life involves compromise, but if you have things that are important to you, don't waver. This consistency helps quite a bit when someone is trying to serve you. 6. I don't care what a mean-ass son of a bitch you can be. Recognize that the person serving you IS a person - even when objectification is a fun activity. Sometimes they need you to recognize this fact. 7. Recognize that sometimes, caring for someone's growth means doing nothing so that they can figure things out on their own. Be responsible enough to know when to step back and when not to. It won't diminish your power and authority as a dominant and it will help your slave/submissive grow as a person - even if she/he in wondering why you don't step in to solve their quandry for them. 8. The phone lines work in both directions! Take advantage of that fact. 9. While you are expecting a submissive or slave to be all she can be for you, be all you can be - both for you and for that person. He or she is relying on you for direction, and if you don't have a direction, how can that he or she serve? 10. Finally! Your word is your bond. More than ropes, chains and all the other stuff. mean what you say and say what you mean. Those are my views of the responsibilities of a dominant. juliet Juliet This absolutely rocks. Especially 5-10. Those are things that don't often get discussed but are mad important for me. The not wavering caught my eye. I remember when I was younger I did some serious wavering. I was still young enough to want to try and be a nice guy, so I would cut slack, give breaks and stuff like that. When it ended we were talking and she brought that up. She said that when I did that, it was awaful for her. I remover her sense of structure, and thus her place by failing to be consistent. In trying to be nice, I was actually hurtful. The one thing she needed more than anything else was accountability. Something I took away without realizing its import.

addisonclarkgirl -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/26/2008 9:00:52 PM)
I've been pondering this a little bit lately myself. I'm wondering if because this relationship may be more intense, because it requires a huge amount of trust, because a girl (or guy) is giving themselves over to someone else's power and control, is it part of the Dominant's responsibility that He/She do His/Her best to not let the sub down? I've recently met in real life a Daddy that I've been talking to on and off for two years. I am pretty much devoted to Him. I feel as if I do belong to Him, with Him, especially now since we've been together. He was the one who made me this way. He was the one who used His words, His actions to seduce me. He desires that I'm His little girl, and I love being His. Yet, there are times like now, when I need Him. As I said, it's always been off and on with Him. How can my submissiveness, my love, my desire for Him, be off and on? How can my need for Him be off and on? Isn't it part of His responsibility to make sure my needs are met always? OR...have I just allowed Him to have me as a convenient little girl when He feels the want and need for me? LOL...i think i answered my own question.

MissIsis -> RE: What is Dom's responsibility to a sub or slave? (7/26/2008 9:44:27 PM)
I am not sure it is the dominant's responsibility to make sure all his submissives needs are met. I don't believe one person can meet anyone's needs 100%. Maybe part of the dominant's responsibility is to make sure the submissive has the tools to make sure her needs can be met. Part of the submissive's journey might just be learning to take care of herself while still serving the one whom she is bound to. For me, I have already been a mommy & love that part of my life, but that is the last thing I want from the one who is mine. With my submissive, I want to know they can stand on their own 2 feet. I want to know & trust that they have the ability to protect themselves & to be smart enough to keep themselves out of compromising positions. That doesn't mean I wouldn't step in when they need help, but for me, they need to be able to do what they need to, to care for themselves. I want to know they are strong enough to live without me, yet still choose to live for me, & still choose to give their service to me. My job is to be honest with them. Sometimes, I am brutally honest, but it is not with any intent of malice. I just call things the way I see them. If I can't be honest, if they fuss, & cause drama when I tell the truth, even if it is something they don't want to hear, then we are probably not a good match. My job is to be true to myself, & to my submissive. My job is to hold the relationship as special, & to protect it, while still being true to who I am & what I want out of my life. My job is to build up my submissive, to help them to gain and see the confidence they have achieved in living. My job it to show them how to have pride in their abilities. My job is to nuture the amazing qualities they possess & to help them, as they achieve their goals. My job is to know when to let them step out & be all they can be.

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