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How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 6:18:39 PM

michelle1227

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How do you know you can be a sub? How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you. Is there always pain involved. Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?

M

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 6:25:48 PM

opposingtwilight

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quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227

How do you know you can be a sub?

Interesting question. :) For me personally, I didn't know in the beginning if I could actually submit or not and sometimes I still struggle with it. I guess the question you should really ask at this point is, does submitting to another person turn me on and am I willing to take the time to develop enough trust for me to actually submit to that person? If you can say yes both times, I'm pretty sure you can be a submissive.

How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you?

Different people will give you different answers there. Generally I wait for them to pick me. I'm an old fashioned girl and while I might say hello to a dominant and sort of make myself known to him, I won't actually pursue him. I want him to come after me. Like any relationship, it goes both ways. You aren't obligated to submit to someone just because they tell you to. You get to choose just as much as they do.

Is there always pain involved?

No. Submissive does not always equal masochist nor does masochist always equal submissive.

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?

Yes, I have. Sometimes I said no and refused to do it. Other times I allowed myself to be coaxed into doing it and other times I simply chose to do it, even though it wasn't really something I necessarily wanted. In the end, you are responsible for your own choices. Submission isn't just this passive thing that happens to you out of nowhere. At some point you make the decision to surrender or not.

Welcome to the forums Michelle!

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 6:28:55 PM

bamabbwsub

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~FR~

Excellent answers, opposingtwilight!

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 6:32:15 PM

opposingtwilight

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Thank you.

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 6:37:40 PM

NewandSexySub702

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quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227

How do you know you can be a sub? How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you. Is there always pain involved. Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?

M

This is a good question. I think all Submissives start out wondering if they can truly be a sub. I know i did, the first time i played ever, and than the first time i played with my current Sir, but eventually if you truly love Submission or Slavery, will get over that, and would not be able to imagine living your life any other way.I truly dont think i could live the vanilla lifestyle again. I will introude myself, and talk to them, but i too am old fashion and like for them to pick me or really start the journey. No, there is not always pain involved. Some Masters like to cause pain, some dont, if you dont like pain, than dont go looking for a Master who likes pain and almost requires it, that setting up a failure, or at least an uncomfortable situation. I like pain to a certain extent, and am trying to push those limits at the moment. Yes, i have been asked to do something that i have not wanted to, and there have been times that i havent done it, and have payed for it severly

, and there are time when i just went on and did it. Dont push yourself to far beyond your limits, because you dont want to break yourself, physicially or mentally, what good is a broken Sub/Slave, in my case, to a Master?

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 6:46:56 PM

subinlife

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For me, knowing I was a submissive came when I realized I always put others needs before my own. There is still a part of me that hasn't submitted, but I'm sure someone will come along and I will give my all in submission willingly. As for finding a Dom, I pretty much do as opposingtwilight does, say hi and wait to see if they want to talk. Good luck to you in your search.

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 6:53:11 PM

NewandSexySub702

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Oppps, i also meant to add to Opposingtwilight, great repond, im sorry i forgot to add credit to those it is due to, and i feel that your answer was right on and heartfelt, but not in a lovy dovy kind of way...lol

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 7:03:59 PM

candisa

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greetings, michelle

quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227

How do you know you can be a sub?
When you stand before the dominant for you, you will have no choice but to surrender and submit to Him. When you wish to run but can't, you will know He is the Master for you.
How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you.
You ask many, many questions and listen to their answers very carefully. you can't always wait for them to pick you out of the crowd of people, perhaps they somehow missed your profile. It would be a shame if you find someone that you found interesting but did not make a move to find out.
Is there always pain involved.
There is always pain "growing pains" involved with every relationship.
Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?
yes, but if He has your best interest at heart, and has been listening to all that you wish for and dream of, He will push your limits to better yourself. That is where the trust comes in. Try small baby steps at first, as the trust grows so will your ability to trust in Him and let go of your fears and allow yourself to submit to His wishes and desires.

M

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To love or not; in this we stand or fall.

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 7:08:37 PM

StrongSpirit

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Speaking as a dominant, not a sub, I have a few possible answers to these questions:

How do you know you can be a sub? If you think you might be a sub, what makes you think you can avoid being one?

How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you. Honestly, on this web site, the numbers pretty much mean the woman picks the man, regardless of Dom/sub. Oh, she can wait for a dom to ask her, but she is just fooling herself. Whether she selects who to reply to from the men that email her, or selects which man to email first is mostly a matter of semantics.

Is there always pain involved. BDSM. SM means sadism-masochism. BD stands for the part of our lifestyle that does not neccesarily involve pain. Bondage and Disciple.

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do? If you are never asked to do something that you don't want to do that means your Dom is being very conservative. Communication is key. Asking does not mean ordering. Neither means you have to do what you are asked. Everyone has limits, expect a good dom to at least explore them, if not expand them.

M
[/quote]

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 7:24:23 PM

katie978

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quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227

How do you know you can be a sub?

By the time I realized I was sub, I never really questioned my ability to be one. Granted, I don't think I'm the perfect sub, and I do work to improve at that. I believe that anyone who is willing to can be a submissive.

quote:

How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you.

How to pick a master? I picked masters on the same criteria I picked dates: honest, funny, somewhat nerdy, interesting men 'bout my age, close enough to share coffee with.

quote:

Is there always pain involved.

Nope. Many people in a D/s relationship are not interested in pain at all.

quote:

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?

I have been made to do things I "don't want to do". But, being made to do things we don't want to do is part of the fun of being a submissive! However, I've never been made to do something I did not want to do. That's why people have hard limits, so things that they find morally wrong, or simply don't want to do for whatever reason, are offlimits.

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 7:26:07 PM

kallisto

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How do you know you can be a sub?   Ir'a not a matter of whether I can be a sub. It's who I am.   I don't play at it, I live it.

How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you.   I don't go around picking a Dom, nor have I ever been picked.   That sounds like there is a Dom store that I can walk in and go I choose this one.    I live life. I meet people. I socialize.   I go to functions.   I talk online.   We meet, we talk, we go out, we find out our likes and dislikes, if we are compatible, if we connect, then the relationship moves forward.   If not, then we part ways, sometimes as life time friends, other times as a nice to know you, but .. and even still other times, good ridance (on both sides I'm sure).

Is there always pain involved. Not unless that is what you want. If you don't want pain and "your" Dom is a sadist, then you're not going to be compatible. If you do want pain and He doesn't want to give it, then you're not going to be compatible.

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?   Yes I have.

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 8:01:05 PM

XaviersXian

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greetings to all,

OP, here are my answers to your questions:

How do you know you can be a sub?

Looking back on it, I didn't know that I was actually submissive (and that it had a name) until I stumbled across a BDSM chat venue, and began learning. That was in 2001...nowdays, I've almost done a complete circle in my learning, and have left my BDSM beginnings (and the attitudes that went with being involved in BDSM) behind. I am now a fully owned slave, with no safewords, and no contracts and no "rights" within my relationship.

How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you.

I was always "drawn" to my Masters...I never "picked" them as such...I was just compelled to belong to them, and so I would approach them and beg to belong. When I met my current Master, I *knew* from the day I met him that He was to be the Man that I could comfortably make "the final decision" for (and commit to for the rest of my life).

Is there always pain involved.

Only if my Master wishes it.

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?

Over the years, I've learned to see things I "don't want to do" as things that still please my Master (and pleasing Master is the fundamental reason I slave) so, (unless they are things that very very seriously conflict with my morality) they get done (sometimes with great difficulty on my part). My feelings don't enter into things.

If an order conflicts with my morality, I bring it up to my Master, and He takes my opinions on board, and makes a decision. To date, there has been only the one time that this has happened (and Master was merciful enough to not press the issue, and demand that I follow the order regardless).

I am a lucky, lucky lady....

well wishes,

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 8:04:25 PM

bipolarber

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Twilight,

Honest to God, that is some of the best, most concise writing I've seen on this forum in a long time. I'm jealous.

Go write a few books.

-bi

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/26/2008 8:56:44 PM

DesFIP

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Same way I assess friends and lovers. Do we share the same moral values? Are we interested in a lot of the same stuff? Does he treat me the way I need to be treated to be at my best?

As far as play stuff goes; some people are into s & m and others aren't. I see two main groups, the majority who are into s & m and then a sizable minority who are into bondage instead. Then the smaller number of fetishists.

I'm not into pain so I didn't talk to any sadists. Being a bondage freak, I went looking for a man who shared my viewpoints towards life, who also is into bondage. Beyond that, we talked for a long time, until we were very close friends and then met to see if the chemistry was there also. It was so we dated for a bit, continued talking, shared std scans, played, kept talking. It kept going well so we trusted each other a little bit more each time. We kept learning about each other and liked what we learned. And five years later, here we still are.

Basically, you do it little by little as you feel good about it.

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 3:16:50 AM

maat

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How do you know you can be a sub?
How do you know you can be anything that you whant to before you try? Beeing a sub was probably the easyest thing i had to do. Once i finaly got what i was feeling. once i finaly understood why vanilla sex and vanilla relationships didnt apeal to me and once i found BDSM it just clicked. From that day i havnt been able to be anything but a sub. Its not just something i do, its who i am. Its like beeing gay, you are, or your not. You dont learn to be a submissive if your not. You can learn to play submissive, you can learn to submit but that whont make you a submissive. its who you are.

How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you.
Its a feeling. you know it in your gut. my Master found me at alt.com, told me to meet him downtown after a few days and once we met i just knew this whas the ONE. I enjoyd our conversations. i enjoyd the way he made me feel. i feelt safe and protected. i was picked but i also accepted beeing picked by him. But honestly, its the same thing as with dating. You still have to like your Dom, trust him and feel safe and cared for by Him. Isent that what you look for in a nilla relationship to?

Is there always pain involved.
Nope. not always even if that can be fun to. Each couple negotiate what works for them. if you dont like pain, dont look for somone who loves to inflict pain. If you hate beeing tied up, dont look for someone who loves ropes. The scope of what BDSM involves is huge. Can be verything from mindgames to full out whippings. It depends on what you and your One is looking for and whant to explore. It shuld ALWAYS about trust and beeing safe and risk aware. To me, BDSM is verry much a trust game. I trust my Master with my body, trust him to folow him where he whants to take me. He shows himself trustworthy every time we play.

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?
Yes, i ended up loving it. There are hard limits and then there are things to be explored. Master might tease me about the hard limits but i know without a doubt he whont push me past them. IF He whanted to push one of those limits it would be done after hous of discussion and i would know exactly why he whanted to push. I find great pleasur in beeing able to move past things i thought i wouldnt enjoy in order to please Him. Sometimes i love it, sometimes i might not enjoy the act fully but i fully enjoy knowing my Master is proud that i give it my best.

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 4:21:57 AM

eyesopened

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Opposingtwilight gave such good answers that I'm not sure I can add more other than to add my perspective.

How do you know you can be a submissive?
To me, submissive is a state of mind, a way of being, not a noun. I define 'submissive' as 'yielding to the Authority of another' so for me it was could I recognize that Authority in another? While I struggled with it on an intellectual level, even my first r/l experience was natural and gave me confidence that I was on the right path.

How do you know how to pick a Master or do you wait for them to pick you?
After a while I stopped seeking and simply became available to be found. You will do whatever is most comfortable for you. My only advice when on sites like CM is to remember it's kind of like a flea-market...there really is a lot of junk, but if you just keep looking, you can find real treasure.

Is there always pain invovled?
Since I'm not a masochist, this was something I worried about in the beginning. After a while I realized that new tactile sensations were exciting and some 'pain' was just another sensation. But no, I've met Dominants who are strictly into bondage, or humbling, or mind-fucks, there's a lot of variations. Pain isn't a requirement for submission. One of the hottest porn videos I've ever watch not only did not include any pain, it didn't include any sex at all. Just scene after scene of situational bondage and I about had an orgasm just viewing that.

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?
Yep! All the time. Let me put it this way. I don't WANT to apply clover-clamps to my nipples and hang weights off them. It's not something I would ever do on my own. When my Master applies the clamps, there is an energy transfer between us, that transforms my suffering in to a joy of service that is difficult to explain. I am not a masochist but my Master is a Sadist and it's a relationship that works for us. By moving beyond what *I* want and changing my focus to HIM, I have moved into that paradox whereby my suffering becomes joy, my bondage becomes freedom, and by giving, I recieve.

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 4:47:18 AM

RealSub58

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from a different perspective ......

quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227

How do you know you can be a sub?
As much as you know you can be a flower.
"Submissive" is an adjective describing part of someone's personality. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/submissive
"Submissiveness" is a noun, a state of being.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/submissiveness
http://www.yourdictionary.com/humility
I disagree that just anyone can take these words and just apply them to themselves. A strong willed woman, say like Hilary Clinton, would she ever want to be a submissive let alone know she could be? maybe a bottom

Submissiveness takes a will, a desire to be compliant and obedient, pliable within one's own strength to another human being.

There is a vast difference in BDSM and D/s.

How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you. Is there always pain involved.

Pick a master. Ah, you dont pick a master you pick a man and a man picks a woman; no matter the side of the fence you are on.
Men are either domineering and thus abusive with power and authority or they know how to exercise control and authority over themselves as well as others, in an influentially responsible manner.

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?
Yes..... It was demanded of me to stop crying. I was acting like a "selfish poor me idiot" and I needed that direction. My dominant was exercising his compassionate authority over me and listening to him, I realized waht I was doing.

Once again there is a vast difference between BDSM and D/s.

M

Master is a greatly misused word.
A mere boy at the age of 22 who qualifies himself as master is greatly deluded in the qualities that a master possess.
On the other hand a man of 65 who robes himself with a title of master but has mastery of nothing is likewise deluding himself.
Self deception is dangerous.

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 5:37:32 AM

Maya2001

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How do you know you can be a sub?
you have a desire/need for some level of authority over you...the amount of authority willl vary greatly from person to person

How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you.
this site, others, and local munches is a way to meet like minded people ...picking itself it just like dating in the vanilla world ..you choose someone who meshes with you, on several levels .... attraction, similiar interests, goals, likes, kinks etc

Is there always pain involved.
Not always depends on what you and your partner agree to as part of your relationship, you might find light pain such as spankings, love bites enjoyable and arousing ...for some they find high levels or pain results in orgasms when administered by a dom

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?
This depends on the type of relationship and negotiations that take place prior to submitting Use a list something like this one http://www.erotic-bdsm.net/ActivityList.html

your "hard limits: would be numbered 5 activities that you find morally offence or you feel would cause you damage physically or mentally
3 and 4 would be you soft limits --- as you start developing comfort levels and trust with your dom around the 1 and 2 he would likely start pushing your softer limits to help you grow within the lifestyle in particular those activities that have an interest that he shares ...your hard limits he should respect though if in a D/s agreement..... if you decide to accept a Master /slave relationship make sure to inquire about how that affect your limits as usually in relationships that identify as M/s the slave will give up their right to limits and they will be whatever the Master wishes them to be, and that could include your hard limits

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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 5:58:06 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227
How do you know you can be a sub?

In my general experience, there are some flags for this, but nothing certain. In the end, for whatever reasons, almost anyone can decide to yield to the decisions of another person. Commonly, however, a strong desire to serve and be pleasing is mentioned by lots (but not all) subs.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227
How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you.

The same as in any other sort of dating. It's a dance and the two people approach each other in whatever ways are most comfortable and work for them. My own opinion is that if some Dom gets all stuffy because, god forbid, a sub approached him not the other way around then good riddance.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227
Is there always pain involved.

No. Our relationship is not centered around SM activities. That, in large part, is why I don't really identify with the BDSM community. But the D/s dynamic is a very different thing than BD or SM and can stand on it's own just fine if that's what works for the parties involved (and it does for us).

quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227
Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?

I ask mine to do things constantly that she doesn't want to do. You kind of need to pick that apart a little more and say "HOW much did she not want to do it? For instance, if we're sitting on the couch all comfy and I ask her to go make me a drink, she may not want to get up (a little). When I made her wear her dog collar out in public, she didn't want to do that A LOT. I'm guessing that buried in this question is the fear, "OMG, what if my Dom commands me to do something which I absolutely abhor?" Simple, tell him "no". A little explanation along with the "no" is always nice so that the boundary line that was just touched gets clarified in the Dom's mind. I've trained mine to be able to tell me both "maybe" and "no" in ways I consider polite and courteous and I treat those communications as incredibly valuable input to me, the guy who's charged with making this relationship work for the two of us.

I hope any of that helped. Great questions and welcome to the forums.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 9:59:51 AM

subsfaith

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Welcome to the boards Michelle :: smiles ::

There are all from my perspective:

quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227
How do you know you can be a sub?

It was more of a feeling than a knowing. It felt like coming home.
It also depends on what you think being a sub means.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227
How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you?

Like all other relationships, some you find, some find you, and some you will dance with but never get any closer.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227
Is there always pain involved?

No, not at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227
Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?

Every single day since I became his submissive. Sometimes it can be as simple as having white bread when I want brown, other times it can be much more challenging, either mentally or physically.

In any relationship, we frequently concede, or compromise, whether they be vanilla or BDSM dynamics. Some choices are easy, some are hard. Sometime it helps to ask yourself if having white bread is really that important, or do you want to please him more?

Good luck in your journey,
Faith

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