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How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 10:00:43 AM

gentlesurrender

Posts: 99
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

i have talked to many Dominants and everybody is looking for something different,

as subs/slaves we have our own desires, wants and needs,

i recently met a really nice Dom, a quick coffee turned into dinner and 7 hours later we parted company and i came home.

i sat pondering and considering the conversation etc, now if i want to proceed with this Dom, i would have to compromise on going to munches, parties and clubs as its not something he likes doing. He is totally monogamous, so there are certain fantasies/desires that will never be reality (although i dont know if i could do them) the possibility wont be there.

so what would you be willing to compromise on.............................

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

Post #: 1

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 10:24:42 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentlesurrender
i sat pondering and considering the conversation etc, now if i want to proceed with this Dom, i would have to compromise on going to munches, parties and clubs as its not something he likes doing. He is totally monogamous, so there are certain fantasies/desires that will never be reality (although i dont know if i could do them) the possibility wont be there.

You don't explain what you mean by "compromise." Do you mean totally abandon? Or change your feelings? Or change the extent of them?

Depending on the commitment, I'd give up just about everything if it's going to be a long term life commitment. I wouldn't give up my existing relationships, with my biological or my social family. I wouldn't give up my key values in terms of being true to myself and knowing what I need to be fulfilled.

That's why it's so important to realize exactly what those things are.

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

Post #: 2

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 10:41:54 AM

stephanne84

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

Compromise

1. Agreement -a settlement of a dispute in which two or more sides agree to accept less than they originally wanted

2. Something accepted rather than wanted -something that somebody accepts because what was wanted is unattainable

Its give a little take a little… some are very much against going out because of their jobs and being seen…. It all about how much you want to have the relationship

Personally, I think friends are important… and the club I am lucky enough to go to I have a lot of friends… I would not be willing to break many bonds for one person…. It would have to be something where I could go out and see them (maybe not play with them at all or nearly as much but still have to be able to talk and see) and with fantasies those happen in time… and talk to him about maybe in time (not today not tomorrow) you finding people to help you live out your fantasies…. I wish you the best of luck

_____________________________

~stephanie~

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

Post #: 3

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 11:48:16 AM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Well some things are werry inportant to me and i would not give them up for anyone, while other things i can give up, this waries from person to person, you must examine your own feelings, are the things you can not do whit this Dom somthing that is so inportant to you you will constantly miss it, then i would say no, dont, but are there things you would like but that is not that inportat, then i would say sure, go for it.

(in reply to stephanne84)

Post #: 4

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 11:56:05 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

These are my priorities in life, in this order.

1. To be true to my own being

2. To commit to my partner totally

3. To be helpful in society somehow.

What this means to me is:

1. To be true to my own being - to find a wholeness and happiness inside me, that isnt reliant on people or circumstances in life. Its about taking self-responsibility over my thoughts and feelings. Its about trying to live as genuinely as i can.

2. To commit myself to my partner - For me, the very next priority is to give myself to a partner. To share a life. That would mean that once i have made that choice, to fully and totally merge my life with his. If i have done number one priority well, my choice of relationship should automatically be loving and harmonious. He is the most important thing in my life and what we do or dont do will just fall into line with that. This should never compromise number 1.

3. To be helpful in society somehow - Career, job and thing things i do in life. How i interact with others on a professional basis or personal basis. This should never compromise 1 or 2.

Ive found that sorting these priorities out, compromising has never been an issue.

(hope that made some kinda sense)

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

Post #: 5

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 12:49:58 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

TY slavejani; that was right on the mark.

candystripper

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 6

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 12:57:04 PM

ownedjulia

Posts: 218
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

TY slavejani; that was right on the mark.

candystripper

Thirded!!

_____________________________

~julia
owned slave and proud of it!

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 7

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 1:01:08 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

sat pondering and considering the conversation etc, now if i want to proceed with this Dom, i would have to compromise on going to munches, parties and clubs as its not something he likes doing. He is totally monogamous, so there are certain fantasies/desires that will never be reality (although i dont know if i could do them) the possibility wont be there.

Does he think he won't be monogamous if he goes out in the public scene and chats with others? A good friend of mine just found an alledge dom like this a while back. To me it raises many red flags.
Why would a person not want to join other's in ideas? They can complain they would be outed all they want. The fact of the matter is at a munch it is a vanilla atmosphere, more often than not BDSM is not discussed. It is hardly different than a PTA meeting. Beyond the fact nobody there wants to be outed.

Anyway onto the question at hand. When I was searching. I was searching for a life partner. I really was not willing to compromise too much. I knew what I wanted and I didn't want to settle for a shell of what I wanted. It took 5 year's to find the right person for me because of this. Most would not be willing, most would settle long before.
Now that we have been together so many year's I do compromise. I compromise more than I get to do things I like to do, but that's all part of a relationship.

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

Post #: 8

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 1:12:32 PM

jocelyn

Posts: 59
Joined: 6/28/2005
Status: offline

I think I'd go so far as to say that one's personal list of "big picture values" might even be more important than generating lists of hard and soft limits. No matter how compatible a couple is, physically, concepts relating to family, future, and friends are even more basic to a relationship's success than the former. Compromise should be a part of all relationships, but there is value in balance. I wonder if sub/slaves are typically asked to compromise more - just due to the nature of the D/s dynamic?

I wish you luck, gentle
jocelyn

_____________________________

If chocolate is not the answer, I'm not certain that the question matters...

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

Post #: 9

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 1:26:08 PM

Tapestry

Posts: 226
Joined: 10/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jocelyn

I think I'd go so far as to say that one's personal list of "big picture values" might even be more important than generating lists of hard and soft limits. No matter how compatible a couple is, physically, concepts relating to family, future, and friends are even more basic to a relationship's success than the former. Compromise should be a part of all relationships, but there is value in balance. I wonder if sub/slaves are typically asked to compromise more - just due to the nature of the D/s dynamic?

I wish you luck, gentle
jocelyn

well said jocelyn.
it has always seemed to me that the sex and play are the easy parts.
it's the interpersonal relationship parts that are so much more important and more difficult.
and yes, i'm definitely a compromiser - it is part of my giving nature, and maybe at times in the past it has not worked in my favor, BUT
as others have mentioned, i haven't compromised core values, just in other ways that it's possible to please a loved one, i will.

_____________________________

Tapestry

Daddy's Little Girl

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away."

www.tapestry41.blogspot.com

(in reply to jocelyn)

Post #: 10

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/16/2005 1:45:29 PM

cravinspankin

Posts: 127
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

if munches and lifestyle events are things you need in your life to be happy, and the fantasies you have are things you Must make reality, then perhaps this Dom simply isn't the right one for you.
Of course, there's no harm in continuing to get to know this Dom. You may find after you do so that He is worth giving up those other things, and be able to do so willingly and gladly in exchange for being able to serve Him.
I simply believe that after one meeting, however, it is impossible to decide whether you can or can not make changes for Him.
I hope i'm making sense, lol

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

Post #: 11

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/17/2005 6:12:48 AM

gentlesurrender

Posts: 99
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

thanks to every one for their input

the question was a general one, i just used my coffee meet as an example, im not making my mind up over this particular relationship over one matter, there is, has been pointed out a whole range of issues, aspects etc etc to consider in any relationship.

i was just wondering how others compromise, and that could be shorterm or completely change.

thanks again

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 12

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/17/2005 6:33:38 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

This somewhat raises a red flag for me. I'm always worried when a Dom wants a submissive to stop having contact with others within the D/s BDSM community. The reasons are: A) cutting off contact with the outside is the trait of an abuser and B) it makes me question WHY he refuses to go to socials. There is one guy in San Diego that says that he refuses to be involved with someone that hangs out in our SoCal chat room or goes to socials. Of course, the reason is that he's not welcome at either one and he certainly wouldn't want a submissive to know that the community thinks he's an asshole.

And last question is why can't you go to socials without him? Master has no qualms about letting me go, if he is unavailable.

Every relationship involves some compromise. It's part of life. But, it's also about the communication of why the compromise is necessary (and not just "because I'm the Dom").

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

Post #: 13

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/17/2005 6:38:12 AM

Jacques1000

Posts: 273
Joined: 10/30/2005
Status: offline

Fifthed.

I think compatability and compromise are about communication. If you cannot meed his needs or he will not allow yours to be meet......hasta la vista.

You're find someone more openminded.

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

Post #: 14

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/17/2005 8:23:30 AM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

compromise is NOT in my vocabulary. if i can't have what i want in this life...why be here? life is about enjoying what ya can. not doing without.

i never believed in compromise because "I" am NOT going to settle for 2nd or 3rd best.

wolf

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

Post #: 15

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/17/2005 9:06:54 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

To be with the right person is a continual comprimise, which is how you grow together.

No wonder I'm fucking alone!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to Jacques1000)

Post #: 16

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/17/2005 10:02:55 AM

michaelMI

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

there may be alot of things i might be willing to compromise on...except one. no men! i'm lucky that my Mistress understands and except this hard limit.

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 17

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/17/2005 11:27:39 AM

Khep

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
And last question is why can't you go to socials without him? Master has no qualms about letting me go, if he is unavailable.

Every relationship involves some compromise. It's part of life. But, it's also about the communication of why the compromise is necessary (and not just "because I'm the Dom").

I would just add to this the question, gentlesurrender, of whether you actually *know* for sure that you would have to make this complete compromise on social events, or whether you are making an assumption. If you are just assuming (because he doesn't "like" them), you may be right that you'd find this is a necessary compromise; or you might find, at least at some point down the road, that either his attitude has changed somewhat, or it wasn't as hard set as you thought. It may be naive to assume that people *will* change; but sometimes they do.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 18

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/17/2005 12:15:41 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

No wonder I'm fucking alone!

What happened to your relationship?

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 19

RE: How far would you compromise????? - 11/17/2005 12:20:52 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

i have to disagree about the issues with the no social thing. i am not allowed to go to meets or munches on my own and Master doesnt particularly like them. Actually infact, i am not allowed to go anywhere with out Master, except work i suppose and even then i am driven and picked up. BUT i am working on persuading Master to the munches and meets. One of these days i am sure we will go and he will enjoy himself.

But not going and not being allowed to go on your own doesnt have an sinster meanings.

(in reply to Khep)

Post #: 20

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