RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks, kink levels, and or/activities they BOTH enjoy

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks, kink levels, and or/activities they BOTH enjoy

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RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 12:21:03 PM

TwoNYCDommes

Posts: 237
Joined: 1/14/2007
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I think being poly makes this a lot easier. I don't have to worry about finding one person who shares every single one of my interests--or even most of them. Thus, I can focus on undefinable things like personal chemistry, rather than calculating whether a potential partner meets all of my needs.

[edited because I accidentally hit send before I had finished]

< Message edited by TwoNYCDommes -- 7/31/2008 12:25:51 PM >

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 21

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 12:34:30 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoNYCDommes

I think being poly makes this a lot easier. I don't have to worry about finding one person who shares every single one of my interests--or even most of them. Thus, I can focus on undefinable things like personal chemistry, rather than calculating whether a potential partner meets all of my needs.

[edited because I accidentally hit send before I had finished]

I don't think that most of us will find someone that shares EVERY interest in life, kink or vanilla.
That is a very unrealistic objective.
I am speaking of people that have diametrically opposing kink interests.
I am wondering if there are any couples that are mis-matched in the "kinky"
department that stay together, for the long haul, in a long term relationship.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/31/2008 12:36:10 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to TwoNYCDommes)

Post #: 22

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:11:22 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

We've tried the whole thing with someone who didn't share our kinks, but said that they -really- wanted a relationship, and were willing to do "whatever it took" to be in a relationship with us. This person said that xhe really respected us, and even though we weren't what she would have looked for, that we were probably just what she -needed-. It worked out very badly. She didn't want to do any of the things we required of her, and only did them with great reluctance, shoddy performance, much whining, and no initiative. We didn't do much of what -she- wanted, and what we -did- choose to do that was on her 'ok' list, just to give her a bit of what she liked, turned out to be "too much" for her -- not -what- we did, but the way that we did it completely overwhelmed her. It ended up being a trial every time she was at the house, and no real enjoyment for anyone.

Since that experience, I've become very leery about getting into a relationship with someone with whom I am diametrically opposed, kink-wise. Of course, if the person is a good match for my Darling, that's another matter entirely -- then the person would be "her" servant, and I would probably not be horribly involved in the day-to-day with that person. OTOH, if the individual has little or nothing in common with us or our kinks, or we're so much on the polar ends from one another that we really couldn't find any common ground, I would send the person on hir way... of course, I live with my Darling, and she doesn't share any of my kinks (though our kinks -are- synergistic), but at this point in time, I wouldn't take on a servant who wasn't well-matched in terms of interest level and kink activities for at least one of us. In fact, I weed out dozens of potentials a day, just because we don't match for interests and styles, and that's ok, because the alternative is difficult, I think, for both sides of the collar.

It may, however, make a difference in that we're not looking for a romantic partner with a kinky history. We are looking for the kink as a primary purpose for seeking.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 23

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:19:06 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Thank you for sharing!
I have not and have never even been "motivated" to get involved/play/scene whatever you want to call "it" if the kinks are diametrically opposite.

I guess you would say, it is a turn off??

I am not a Professional Dominant, nor a Top/ Service Top, and this is not Burger King,
where you can order things "your way."

So no kinks in common ===== no soup for you!

Humm, looks like having diametrically opposing kinks does not seem to work for
many of us, when it comes to long-term, serious, committed relationships.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/31/2008 1:30:02 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 24

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:32:32 PM

IvyMorgan

Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline

There are things I'm not interested in doing, that people who I have met, and who I have thought about relationships with, and who I have played with, have been interested in doing, and wanted to do.

I adapt. Give me long enough with an idea, and I'll get my head round it enough to get "on message" if you will.

That said, given that I'm not in a long term relationship with any of them... oh heck, I don't have long enough in the scene to qualify for your long term relationship criteria. The only thing that comes close would be the guy I met in week 2 of my "outness" and who I am still "with" in the same way as I was with him from the start.

He has kinks I don't, he has interests I don't. There are things he asks me to do that just flat don't do anything for me (and some that mildly freak me - strapons anyone?). But, overall, we match, and the little bumps in the kink aren't really significant enough to mess up what we have.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 25

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:33:40 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

Ok, I once hooked up with a male sub that was only into s & m... you know? Stand and model? His only real kinks were liquid latex and looking at women wearing latex. It didn't work out well.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 26

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:33:42 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Whenever someone talks about the romantic concept of "love conquering all"......I have to think.."What sort of a nutcase are you?"

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 27

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:37:33 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Well, Ivy you cute little "upstart"!
I will be honest, if I was 20 years younger, and was not seeking
something hopefully for the long haul, committed, yada yada yada...
.......I would be doing the same thing!

Have fun!

Have you seen or met any couples in your "travels" that were very different kink wise,
but very committed and involved long term?

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to IvyMorgan)

Post #: 28

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:44:15 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Whenever someone talks about the romantic concept of "love conquering all"......I have to think.."What sort of a nutcase are you?"

I am scared, really scared.....I have been agreeing with a lot of what you
have been saying lately!

From reading the boards, many people appear to "jump" into many relationships in which
even the "kink" levels and interests don't match.

Hell, I can see not being in love, but hell shouldn't the kink at least be compatible?

Going off singing "What's kink go to do with it?"...to the song "Whats love got to do with it?"

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/31/2008 1:45:12 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 29

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:45:31 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

Hello and thank You MzMia im sure it will be fine. My biggest problem is a horrid thought i have that wouldn't work anyway. My mind (so evil that it is) keeps saying ; Ok so keep Mr. Wonderful and fun, and find Mr. Seriously Twisted to fill in the gaps! Now You don't know me, but i could never do that, so SO sighs. My thoughts even run to the idea of He and i eventaully becoming poly (which when i kinda steered toward that He cleary stated no way in hell ~~rats darnit!!~) SO again ....... what's a gal to do...... make my own welts the moment He leaves and pretend that He is the one who made them when He comes back and exams them? No....... outta ideas here MzMia any thoughts? ~~many kisses darling~ O and how in the world do i get that disgusting lil cone of vanilla off and put something a bit more realistic on?

I don't know how your current situation lies, but if you have a kink group in your area, being a "demo body" works for some of the folks in our area with an insatiable high pain hunger. Another suggestion, if you're in an area where it's possible, might be a once-a-month (or so) "pain day"... sort of like a spa day... where a professional is paid to get you over the top.

Just a couple options,

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to tammystarm)

Post #: 30

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:46:15 PM

tammystarm

Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

So what do W/we do is the question. How do W/we deal with it.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 31

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:48:17 PM

tammystarm

Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

lol my God am i off today i swear im a real brunette!!! thanks Calli Yes i agree im gonna have to speak with Master and work on this some. i do have a few Doms that would love to fill in the gap so to speak. im thinking its more my mouth and my profile that makes them want to beat me, but who knows or cares ;) kisses to all t

(in reply to tammystarm)

Post #: 32

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:49:00 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

So what do W/we do is the question. How do W/we deal with it.

Hello tammy {you cutie pie}, I don't have the answers.
CallaFirestorm, just gave some great suggestions.
I am sure there are many here, with some great idea's

Good luck tammy, you have to report back how things work out for you!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/31/2008 1:51:23 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to tammystarm)

Post #: 33

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:51:17 PM

tammystarm

Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

But what if the LOVE is there but the kink isnt. And You must read my profile in order to understand my first reply to You. its hard for me to be serious around here, but i am. kisses t

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 34

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 1:56:00 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

But what if the LOVE is there but the kink isnt. And You must read my profile in order to understand my first reply to You. its hard for me to be serious around here, but i am. kisses t

I just read most of your profile and your journal!
It sounds like you all need to go to some good "workshops", "classes", "demo's"
and conferences.
It seems like your Master should be able to learn to inflict more pain.
You even make me want to beat you and I am not that sadistic!

Good luck to you tammy!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to tammystarm)

Post #: 35

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 2:00:39 PM

tammystarm

Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

Good golly mzmia, why You dont even know me yet.......:) but who cares i need it! i miss marks!!!! it was a novel wasnt it sorry...........

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 36

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 2:02:33 PM

tammystarm

Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

"workshops", "classes", AND "demo's"
damn will i ever find the time, guess i better lose my job lol

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 37

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 2:04:50 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

Good golly mzmia, why You dont even know me yet.......:) but who cares i need it! i miss marks!!!! it was a novel wasnt it sorry...........

tammy? Do you have any idea how many sadistic people are reading what you
type and salivating?
You can make time for the "classes" and "demo's" and "workshops", especially
if you are willing to volunteer for some of the demo's.
Think of it as "getting your itches scratched", helping to save your relationship and "adult education"!

Seriously, you seem to have a great partner and relationship, why give up if he is willing to grow and learn?
p.s. tammy, I sent you an email.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/31/2008 2:11:27 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to tammystarm)

Post #: 38

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 2:07:06 PM

IvyMorgan

Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

Well, Ivy you cute little "upstart"!
I will be honest, if I was 20 years younger, and was not seeking
something hopefully for the long haul, committed, yada yada yada...
.......I would be doing the same thing!

Have fun!

*Smiles*

I think, deep down, I probably am seeking something/someone for the long haul, I'm just not entirely positive as to what that thing/one is yet. So, I suppose I'm like the little girl in the icecream shop who can't decide which flavour she wants, so she takes a little spoon and tries a bit of everything til she does decide. Sometimes I have a good old natter with someone and figure it out, other times, I try something and see, and sometimes, I just *know* (mint choc chip icecream, just wrong). Either way, it's all about growing and learning in my book.

quote:

Have you seen or met any couples in your "travels" that were very different kink wise,
but very committed and involved long term?

I've met couples on the swinging scene where one partner really wants it and the other isn't so interested in playing with others. As long as the less interested partner is okay with their other half having fun, those couples tended to have good nights out together.

I've met couples (two that I can think of) where she wants a dom and he wants a mistress. He is therefore trying to fill the "dom" role for her. One couple made it work beautifully. They gelled together and there were no chinks in their relationship I could see. They made it work because she understood his nature, and was happy enough to let him wander off and play when he needed to, in order that he could then come back and feel fulfilled in being the person she needed him to be. Heck, the wife pushed him and me into a room together, bless her. The second couple don't work so well, because there isn't the same level of understanding and acknowledgement of needs on "her" part, so "he" is trying to force his round peg into a square hole and ignore key parts of himself.

I think that's the answer to "mis-match" to be honest. Being open and listening to your partner, and sometimes just admitting that you can't be everything they need and acknowledging that it's okay for them to get that need filled elsewhere, and it won't diminish the relationship the two of you have, but could ultimately strengthen it.

I really hope that answers your question *smiles*

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 39

RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 2:16:50 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Thank you so much Ivy!
I enjoy reading your posts, softness, and many of
the younger "lifestylers".
I wonder how very different my life would have been if I had been
involved in the "alternative" lifestyle in my 20's?
Maybe it was a good thing, I think I might have lost my mind!

I feel there is so much that we can all learn from each other.
I really do enjoy reading the posts from the young kinksters!
Thank you again!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/31/2008 2:19:27 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to IvyMorgan)

Post #: 40

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