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RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 2:21:23 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		i will never harm O/our relationship, i care too much for that... and as much as ive begged for a bit more pain in the bedroom, or kitchen or basement or..........., He still wont (and i applaud Him for sticking to his guns but), He wont leave marks... He gets my behind red and He is uncomfortable! sighs... He doesnt want to share and i dont think He will want me to go anywhere to get it done as well.... sighs... someone brainwash me now please. get these thoughts out of my head!! kisses

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 2:54:07 PM   
MizSexyVixen


Posts: 137
Joined: 6/6/2008
Status: offline 		Great topic, one that has been on my mind as well. I recently had a lengthy coversation about it just the other night.

Kinks, fetishes, needs, and desires, change and evolve over time. So I don't think finding the perfect "kink match" is possible or even disearable. Instead I look for compatibility in other areas, such as a similar willngness to explore, desiring the same intensity of play pain wise, and comparable hard limits.

It's been my experience that if the pair have a deep foundation of trust, the dominant can lead the sub just about anywhere.



_____________________________

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I was aiming for your balls.

check out my updated web site with five pages of photos

www.MizVixen.com

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 2:57:20 PM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

Thank you so much Ivy!
I enjoy reading your posts, softness, and many of
the younger "lifestylers".
I wonder how very different my life would have been if I had been
involved in the "alternative" lifestyle in my 20's?
Maybe it was a good thing, I think I might have lost my mind!
 
I feel there is so much that we can all learn from each other.
I really do enjoy reading the posts from the young kinksters!
Thank you again!

*smiles*
You're very welcome.

You also aren't the only one who wonders how different their life would be if they discovered kink in their 20s.  I often joke I grew up kinky.  I wonder what it would have been like to be "vanilla" first.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 3:21:20 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		Well .. I would say that DV is a considerably harder player than I am ... in terms of pain.. He likes causing really extreme and horrific pain ... and thats really not my thing at all, I would safe word out of plucking my eyebrows if I thought I could get away with it. Part of what excites me though ... is that even knowing how heavy a Sadist He is ... I still want Him and willingly put myself in His way. I think it says more about my need to be Owned by Him ... than my need to suffer pain.

I am however a sick little bitch ... and in that way we are matched. I know I can reveal my sickest desires to Him .. and rather than be shocked or repulsed ... I can see His brain ticking over a) how it will work b) how soon afterwards I can be up on my feet baking again ... and c) if there is a way to involve a cattle prod.

I think on paper we are actually a pretty poor match ... but in practice that mismatch adds to the dynamic.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to IvyMorgan)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 7/31/2008 3:27:02 PM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline
quote:

I know I can reveal my sickest desires to Him .. and rather than be shocked or repulsed ... I can see His brain ticking over a) how it will work b) how soon afterwards I can be up on my feet baking again ... and c) if there is a way to involve a cattle prod.

This is *the most* important characteristic I have in a SO.  I *must* be able to tell them all the sick things I want to do and not have them run screaming.

Ideally, they should have sick things of their own to add to the mix.

Next audition is the 9th August.  I = excited.

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/1/2008 7:59:36 AM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		Thank You Miz Sexy Vixen,
W/we are perfectly matched in wits, charm, friendship, loyalty, love, children, animals (and NO!) every conversation ends with laughter. W/we have taken our time to get to know each other, and there are other obsticals W/we have to hurdle through, but im sure W/we will. That is my biggest problem, what can i say a nice cane and im a happy sub. LOL i offered to go get one for him, and i think i still will. Just leave the damn thing in the corner on His side of the bed. W/we live apart and probably will till my kids are at least teenagers (God help us  all), thats another thing that bothers me, i miss that someone to hold, but again i can get over that as well. When He is here at my house, i feel alive again. So if i never get to experience welts and bruises that last a full month so be it. im lucky enough to find a Man so wonderful!   O and may i PLEASE have Your quote on aiming for balls, if You read my profile Youll know why, its a perfect fit. How i ever found MasterLink and kept Him ill never know! Maybe He is insane as well, cool beans jelly bean! kisses darling MizSexyVixen and as always Peace Love and Harmony to all!
quote:

 
A divine piece of artwork made for You. So beautiful so fragile, needing Your skillful touch and watchful eye. Not yet finished, in fact it may take a lifetime but that is why You wanted that divine piece, correct? Than the word broken, seems so harsh, yes?~Never break the spirit, the heart or soul of the most wonderful creature such as the submissive. She lives to please You.~   ~t~

_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to MizSexyVixen)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/1/2008 8:06:12 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Angel and I are terribly mismatched in our kinks. I am very sexual, he is a virgin and plans on staying that way. I am a sadist he has no tolerance for discomfort much less pain. We have foud a few niche things that we both get into, and that is what we base the D/s part of our relationship on. Personality wise we are very well suited to one another and make a great pair. We have been together this way for nearly 2 years.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/1/2008 8:17:33 AM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		O/our relationship borders on vanilla except with a 50's twist and bondage, but so be it, im totally smitten with that Creature!! kisses ~t~
quote:

A divine piece of artwork made for You. So beautiful so fragile, needing Your skillful touch and watchful eye. Not yet finished, in fact it may take a lifetime but that is why You wanted that divine piece, correct? Than the word broken, seems so harsh, yes?~Never break the spirit, the heart or soul of the most wonderful creature such as the submissive. She lives to please You.~   ~t~


< Message edited by tammystarm -- 8/1/2008 8:19:28 AM >

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/1/2008 8:21:44 AM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		im sorry hello to all that is on!! Hi Ivy, MizVixen!! and all others that are here!

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/1/2008 8:44:57 AM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		*smiles*

Hello, Tammy.

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/1/2008 8:48:00 AM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		Hey Ivy girl whatcha up to today?

(in reply to IvyMorgan)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/1/2008 9:00:46 AM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		Home from work, now happily finished for the week, and organising things I need to take down to London tomorrow for Kinkfest!

Phone calls and packing and the like.

But *does happy dance* my crop bag arrived in the post this morning, so I can transport kinky toys all over the place, all weekend, most discretely.

What about you?

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/1/2008 2:05:08 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Yup I have. I spent 4 years with someone who had no interest in bdsm, or kinky sex, and Now my current partner, has no interest in shareing his girl with any one, and I very much enjoy a third person every now and then. And being bi I'd very very much like to get to fuck women an play with them, but I respect that he's notinto me playing with others, so I very rarely push to play with others. infact I stopped playing with others just for him.

The first one it worked fine for a while untill I became so fed up with having to find others who was accepting of the rules of engagement , and would abide by them. It's very hard to get a third party to go along with someone elses rules.

And right now I am honestly really ok with not playing with others since he does spank me an flog me an fuck me an all the other stuff I like, unlike the x who had no inclination to do anything I liked and someone else had to do it ALL, not just some.

And since again it's really hard to find people who'll agree to play with in the base rules i almost entirely prefere to play with him an him alone . And if you do get people who initially agree some of those people will try to weazle their way under the rules, or try to negotiate them.

He does however allow me to flirt wth people and have fun and lust over them, either publically or when I am alone with him. And that's more important to me than if he will share or not, cause it's my nature to be flirty an fun and every now an then I get to grope a hot woman or even spank her if the moods right an the opertunity presents itself at a party.

Now, however if I found myself single and looking, I'd have to say that I would not become involved with someone who was not okw ith shareing, and not ok with sex play but not actual sex with others, because I do enjoy it very much, and if he didn't we wouldn't be compatible.
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia


Have you been or are in relationships with much different "kink" levels or activities and interests?
How has that worked out for you? 
**Especially, in terms of long term, committed/ relationships?**
I hope I have been able to articulate clearly the questions that I am asking.
Thanks in advance!



< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 8/1/2008 2:22:40 PM >

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/1/2008 9:47:57 PM   
Surrenderwithin


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

 I became attracted to this "lifestyle" because I love
the  Domination/submission side of the coin.
 I always state up front that I am heavily into the D/s side,
and less into the S/m side...to attempt to clear up confusion.
 
That said, there are a fair amount of activities that at this stage of the game,
that I have zero interest in.
 
A fair amount of "submissives" that I have run into and I have, what I am going to call
"mis-matched kinks", kink levels and/or activities." 
  In most cases, I don't feel that I am suitable for that type of person.
I would love to ask the following questions...especially in terms of committed/long term relationships.
 
"How many Dominants run into submissives
 in which you have mis-match kinks, kink levels and/or
activities that you both tend to enjoy?
and...
"How many submissives run into Dominants
in which you have mis-match kinks, kink levels, and/or
activities that you both tend to enjoy?

Have you been or are in relationships with much different "kink" levels or activities and interests?
How has that worked out for you? 
**Especially, in terms of long term, committed/ relationships?**
I hope I have been able to articulate clearly the questions that I am asking.
Thanks in advance!



It is funny that I ran across this topic tonight. Anna ( Masters other slave) and myself was just discussing this tonight. Anna and I are more alike in terms of SM compatibility than we are to Master. We are all heavily into the DS aspect, but when it comes to SM we are in completely different worlds.

Anna and I both are major masochist and truly enjoy SM in most forms. We would like to play everyday and never grow tired of scening. Master is a sadist but can go several years without ever scening. Now, dont get me wrong he expresses his sadism every day in one capacity or another, however the forms he chooses do not tend to feed our masochistic hunger. Anna and I both find this very frustrating and it even causes us to be angry sometimes.

It is a catch 22 really and I will try to explain why. Anna and I are slaves. We are both masochist, including emotional masochist. The fact that our " need" to play is willfully and knowingly neglected by Master feeds our emotional masochism and need for sacrifice to him. We both love him and would do anything for him, no matter how we feel about it. We will find the strength and ability to master our personal frustration and serve him yielding to his desires ( or lack thereof).

Sometimes we feel like we need an outlet, and prior to Master have used SM as that outlet. There are times that we feel jumbled and need a way to vent or release our frustration or emotions that have no other outlet. It is infuriating and makes us want to scream. Master believes, and has proven time and time again, that we are stronger than we think. We have an amazing amount of self discipline and time and time again find ways to cope with the emotional overload.

Although we feel like a ticking bomb on occassion, sometimes even frequently, we know this is what we need. We need to be challenged. We need to know that we can make mental and emotional sacrifices for him. The need for mental and emotional masochism and his control is a much deeper-seeded need than the "need" for physical pain and/or humiliation that we would achieve through SM.

On the rare rare occassions  that Master does elect to scene ( often years between times) we are elated and very grateful. The experience is spiritual for us and monumental for us on so many levels. The bond we feel and the completeness is more than we could ever have felt or feel if it were a common occurence... So, deep within myself I am grateful that play is anything by play when we are blessed with it.

The ability and willingness to cope and accept this difference in kinky desires makes me feel more complete in some twisted way. Through this I find a strength I could never imagined and find it to be a source of pride in sacrifice.

My words fall short of conveying my heartfelt meaning but the long and short of it is... YES! YES, our kinky desires are not compatible with Masters and our love to and for him surpasses those desires.
Maggi

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/1/2008 10:15:06 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		For Me there has to be a certain level of commonality to make it worthwhile pursuing the relationship on any serious level. I have played with boys whose kinks didn't necessarily match Mine, but while that has been a caring thing, it was clearly not intended as a permanent thing, more a matter of "itch scratching" on both sides. Ultimately I am looking for a good all-rounder ... someone who is satisfied at the everyday level being My servant, helping with cleaning, gardening and being a roadie for Master and I when We have gigs, but who also enjoys some SM play (especially a nice spanking!) and who is also happily sexual with Me! *goes off singing "To dream the impossible dream ....*

As a sub, i know i would enjoy more play and sex than Master is currently up to giving (health reasons). While that challenges me (and i'm not quite able to see it in the same light as maggi!), i know He is worth waiting for. i also know that if My Domme side finds a sub to play with, I as a whole will feel better and also, Master tends to get more stimulated to play with violet so i win on both counts! Still singing that song

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/2/2008 10:34:04 AM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia
I am speaking of people that have diametrically opposing kink interests.
I am wondering if there are any couples that are mis-matched in the "kinky"
department that stay together, for the long haul, in a long term relationship.


"Diametrically opposed" is a pretty strong term to use... i would expect that any relationship where the people involved are diametrically opposed on something important to them is going to be in serious trouble.

We have very different kink levels, and it's not easy. It requires a lot of understanding, making sacrifices, and most of all a commitment to making things work.

Honestly, i wouldn't recommend it to anybody. i wouldn't do things differently if i had to do them again, but for anyone else who feels that BDSM is a vital part of their life... then don't start out with something that needs to be compromised.

Edit to add: 14 years this November.


< Message edited by petdave -- 8/2/2008 10:35:36 AM >

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/5/2008 10:48:39 AM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		In my current relationship there's a bit of a mismatch, in that he's mainly interested in bondage, and I'm mainly intereted in D/s. But the emotional and personal connection's there, so that's not a deal-breaker for me. This is really where a a lot of the value of playing with others comes in, IMO.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/5/2008 11:29:05 AM   
MistressSybella


Posts: 163
Joined: 9/14/2004
Status: offline 		All the time!! I think this is one of the main reasons "we" blame others for being flakes or not "twue" submissives, dominants, etc.

A D/s or M/s relationship is just that, a relationship. And instead of just having the normal "vanilla" facets, we have more. With the addition of BDSM, we have more interests and  needs, to try to line up with another person's interests, and needs.

It isn't so much that people are flakes or phonies but that we find mucho mas mismatches than we do matches.


_____________________________

Miss 'Bella

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/5/2008 12:49:56 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSybella

All the time!! I think this is one of the main reasons "we" blame others for being flakes or not "twue" submissives, dominants, etc.

A D/s or M/s relationship is just that, a relationship. And instead of just having the normal "vanilla" facets, we have more. With the addition of BDSM, we have more interests and  needs, to try to line up with another person's interests, and needs.

It isn't so much that people are flakes or phonies but that we find mucho mas mismatches than we do matches.



Exactly, when you consider that for a "long term" lasting relationship, you will normally
need vanilla compatibility, and compatibile BDSM activities, the task is actually daunting.
It is hard enough for "vanilla" people to find a match, add BDSM to the equation?
 
"Playmates" and "play partners" can be had almost instantly, but relationships that
are going to go the distance, long term, serious, and lasting?  Not so easily had at all.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 8/5/2008 12:50:40 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to MistressSybella)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Dominants and submissives that have mis-match kinks... - 8/5/2008 1:01:25 PM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline 		hmmmm....He likes chastity control...i like sexual stimulation and play...He likes to sit and watch tv, i like to go running or be active...He is a Daddy/Dom and while i love that about Him, i also enjoy being controlled and 'used'...i guess we are mismatched in some ways but we always manage to have fun together!  :)

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 60
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