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Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 2:19:00 AM

berdachegirl

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/22/2008
Status: offline

what do you do when you are lonely and wanting to be held by your Master/Mistress? What do you do when you are hurting so bad you just want to be held? What if they don't want to be intimate right now, or would rather be intimate with someone else and leave you in the other room?

I have noticed that in my past relationship I took a lot out of the love my Owner held for me. It was the first time someone had ever done anything like that, and I really treasured those moments. Just sleeping together, cuddling, being held by another opened up feelings inside me I didn't know I had. But was it right for me to need that so much? I feel like I became a burden in that relationship, and that my desire for love actually drew her away from me. As a submissive type I feel like maybe it was wrong to have needs of my own, like maybe I should have just enjoyed the times I had and not felt anything during the times I was alone, but once you start feeling it is hard to go back. Down-right frightening really. I don't know, a lot depends on your relationship I guess, but is it wrong for a slave or submissive to have needs?

Post #: 1

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 2:33:05 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: berdachegirl

what do you do when you are lonely and wanting to be held by your Master/Mistress? What do you do when you are hurting so bad you just want to be held? What if they don't want to be intimate right now, or would rather be intimate with someone else and leave you in the other room?

I have noticed that in my past relationship I took a lot out of the love my Owner held for me. It was the first time someone had ever done anything like that, and I really treasured those moments. Just sleeping together, cuddling, being held by another opened up feelings inside me I didn't know I had. But was it right for me to need that so much? I feel like I became a burden in that relationship, and that my desire for love actually drew her away from me. As a submissive type I feel like maybe it was wrong to have needs of my own, like maybe I should have just enjoyed the times I had and not felt anything during the times I was alone, but once you start feeling it is hard to go back. Down-right frightening really. I don't know, a lot depends on your relationship I guess, but is it wrong for a slave or submissive to have needs?

Nothing is wrong if it is your dynamic.
And as for missing a Master? i miss mine every single second i am away from Him...and the logistics of a fairly long distance arrangement at the moment, two families each with their attendant difficulties AND both of us with gruelling separate work committments doesn't make it easier.
Of course both submissive sand slaves have needs: basic human rights which i call, and are known in some approaches as 'givens'.. A submissive's needs are negotiable. And as for a slave's needs? these are consensually transferred and determined by the Owner. (IMPO).
On needs see:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
and related sites
On human givens see:
http://www.mindfields.org.uk/?pid=31
and related sites
Prin xx

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 2

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 2:34:36 AM

angelslave77

Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

You are a human being first and foremost, you need love and affection that is completely right and completely ok FOR YOU....... so what you do is make sure you find a compatible partner. Some Dominants might not be into the whole cuddly thing but bottom line is then they are not right for you.

Sir and I are extremly cuddly and affectionate and thats what works for us

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 5:32:37 AM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

Although there's nothing wrong with being cuddly, there can be a point where it becomes too much. However, unless you're prohibiting him from doing what he wants when you're hanging onto him, or following him into the bathroom or some such, I don't see that it would be a major problem. One of the good things about having a Dom is that they'll tell us when they're annoyed with us. If you're following him around saying, "I love you more!" over and over again in a baby voice, then yes, you're probably being too cuddly and affectionate. Expressing your love is one thing....displaying it like a sickeningly-sweet, dusty display of "Precious Moments" figurines is another. Saying something too often eventually starts to rob it of any meaning. If ever I thought I was being too cuddly and affectionate, I would find something to do with my hands (knitting, embroidery, chainmailling, something) to address the first, and stop myself everytime I found myself casually baby-talking some declaration of "twue wuv".

As far as being lonely, I work hard to fill my life with my activities, so that I don't have lots of time to sit around being lonely. By having my own non-boyfriend related interests, I can immerse myself in something that doesn't constantly remind me of him ^_^. That doesn't mean that sometimes I don't find myself overwhelming yearning to be in his arms, but, although we can't physically be together all the time, I know I can call him at any hour. And, if I need to, drive the 3-hours to see him.

"This concept of wuv confuses and infuriates me!"

_____________________________

"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to angelslave77)

Post #: 4

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 6:02:26 AM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: berdachegirl

what do you do when you are lonely and wanting to be held by your Master/Mistress? What do you do when you are hurting so bad you just want to be held? What if they don't want to be intimate right now, or would rather be intimate with someone else and leave you in the other room?

I have noticed that in my past relationship I took a lot out of the love my Owner held for me. It was the first time someone had ever done anything like that, and I really treasured those moments. Just sleeping together, cuddling, being held by another opened up feelings inside me I didn't know I had. But was it right for me to need that so much? I feel like I became a burden in that relationship, and that my desire for love actually drew her away from me. As a submissive type I feel like maybe it was wrong to have needs of my own, like maybe I should have just enjoyed the times I had and not felt anything during the times I was alone, but once you start feeling it is hard to go back. Down-right frightening really. I don't know, a lot depends on your relationship I guess, but is it wrong for a slave or submissive to have needs?

{ Typing one handed and with a broken arm and so apologies upfront for: shortness or incompleteness of thoughts, typos, formatting..}

Having needs is human nature and we all have them. Making sure you are with someone who feels a priority that your needs are being addressed and met in the relationship, is not only OKAY...imo its essential to submission and complete trust....

Being needy or feeling neediness is different, imo.
Neediness comes from a place of insecurity...ie fear ...
which screws with trust as well as submission/surrender of emotions and self.

Some of our insecurities are internal and for us ( as in myself and yourself ) to deal with and correct . Some insecurities are external and due to something in the relationship or other persons actions or reactions.

Only you can determine if what you are feeling is a need or neediness.....

Trust me when I say that, from personal experience, I can tell you its very important to talk about this and these feelings together..always. And your D-type probably wants it that way too ( brought to them and talked about..dealt with ).
Keeping them inside, they fester and spread.

Your feelings are your feelings, they are neither right or wrong, they just are.

Its a very thin and narrow balancebeam that we s-types walk and balance on. They want us feeling all our feelings, raw, exposed, vulnerable and emoting, desirous and full of need for them and for their control..............BUT from a place of strength and security, trust and assuredness.

I think its a mutual effort that keeps that balance.

and so..sometimes after a triple sommersault topped off by a spreadeagle leap in the air landing on one foot in the middle of that bar> our balance might be a little wobbly and a hand to steady us is completely understandable.
( gearing up for the olympics apparently lol )

Feeling your feelings is natural
holding onto them and trying to control them = taking back the control
denying them = damaging....to you and to the relationship.

Talking about them all with your d-type and letting him/her help you regain the balance = feeling so much better.

Cyndi

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 5

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 6:26:04 AM

ChainedExistence

Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

Of couse, you miss someone that is dear to you when they are away! At the same time, it's not fair to be the human equivalent of kudzu -invading every inch of their space. Everyone needs their own quiet time, their down time, their chance to pursue individual interests and passions. It's part of what keeps us interesting! Being submissive is somewhat a balancing act in terms of being needy anyway- you have to find that level that can be satisfying to you both. That will differ in each relationship. As to what you do....that depends on you- can you be close to your Dom in some other way? Organize their backlog of mail? Do some research they need for their job? Take their clothes to the dry cleaners? ...I could make a list here...but you get the idea, I'm sure. What kind of loving service can you do to make their life easier, more comfortable, less stressful? Or perhaps you can do something creative that lets you you examine your emotional feelings-you could write poetry, compose music, or paint. If you aren't particularly skilled in these areas, almost anyone can keep a journal. Whether or not your Dom has the desire or time to read it, it can be a useful tool for you to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

(in reply to katie978)

Post #: 6

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 6:43:14 AM

hopelessfool

Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: berdachegirl

what do you do when you are lonely and wanting to be held by your Master/Mistress? I call them and say Daddy do yo have tim for xyz and usually they either come over I go there or we talk on the phone...What do you do when you are hurting so bad you just want to be held? I pick up the phone and say Daddy this this and this is happening, do you mind me venting/holding me What if they don't want to be intimate right now, or would rather be intimate with someone else and leave you in the other room? They learn in the one, I'm me, Now and again Im going to need held and one of his responsbilities is keeping me safe, even if its from him or myself, and he learns He might not like it, He might not want to do it, but he wants to keep a happy healthy loving serving kitten, he needs to put aside what he WANTS for the betterment of our relationship... My needs come before his whims....

Example: due to tramatic history, I can not engage in sexual activity at certian times of the year. He might want to fuck me all he likes but doing so would be mentally and emotionally harmful to me. Which is more important to him, my mental health for the next x number or years or him getting off?

As for being intamate with another, is a Poly relationship something you agreed upon? Have you talked to him about your needs and concern. And a slave and sub not having needs is bullshit. Everyone has needs, Some more then others, Some dont see somethings as needs. But Saying oh your a slave you only have the needs I say you have bullshit. You can say I dont need food or water, but guess what I do, you can say I dont need clothing or shelter, but guess what I do, you can say I dont need to be cuddled or kissed or told that I'm something more then a fuck toy, but guess what...

I can say whatever I wish doesnt make it true (Examples, 2+2 is 7 the sky is green, the grass is megenta), what is true however, is you need to figure out what you need, and find someone who can give it to you, your current partner cant? why stay with someone you arent fulfilled with?

_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 7

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 6:47:39 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Is it wrong for a slave to have needs?

I think it's the nature of human beings to have needs and desires both. Since I only train and own other human beings, my slaves obviously will have both needs and desires.

In my household, becoming my slave means relates in to ways to your question, berdachegirl.

First there needs to be a constant flow of information so that I can make the best decisions. If you don't tell me that you need or want a hug how I can make a decision about whether or not to do that?

The second is that in my definition and usage, a slave's job is to make the mundane life easier for the owner. If someone needs constant attention and direction they add to my stress level not make my life easier.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 8

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 7:49:21 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

i need love...
baby please hurt me
baby please hurt me
some more....

(pun intended here) cause i need love...in the spanking, flogging, etc etc way.

_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.

I am flawed.

Imperfect.

MUST SPANK!!!

SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 9

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 8:05:03 AM

berdachegirl

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/22/2008
Status: offline

I desired to make life easier for Her, but never really knew how. I became me-centric, wracked with insecurities and unable to resolve them with her, so I focused on them instead of her. *sighs*

Its hard. I need love and affection, its a vital, critical need for me at this point in my life. I think that's going to keep me from having a relationship, because I need too much to grow further.

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 8:30:31 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: berdachegirl

what do you do when you are lonely and wanting to be held by your Master/Mistress? What do you do when you are hurting so bad you just want to be held? What if they don't want to be intimate right now, or would rather be intimate with someone else and leave you in the other room?

I have noticed that in my past relationship I took a lot out of the love my Owner held for me. It was the first time someone had ever done anything like that, and I really treasured those moments. Just sleeping together, cuddling, being held by another opened up feelings inside me I didn't know I had. But was it right for me to need that so much? I feel like I became a burden in that relationship, and that my desire for love actually drew her away from me. As a submissive type I feel like maybe it was wrong to have needs of my own, like maybe I should have just enjoyed the times I had and not felt anything during the times I was alone, but once you start feeling it is hard to go back. Down-right frightening really. I don't know, a lot depends on your relationship I guess, but is it wrong for a slave or submissive to have needs?

Of course it is ok to have needs. But also keep in mind, your Dominant has needs, too. When your need to be hugged becomes smothering to your Dominant, it's time to ask yourself if this is a realistic need of yours or a desire to mask an insecurity rather than deal with it and grow past it?

Perhaps a change of perspective might help and, instead of focusing on your desire to be hugged, you can look at the idea of keeping yourself in a healthy frame of mind - hugs or no hugs - as a way of serving your Dominant's needs.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 11

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 8:38:52 AM

OnlyHisLovebug

Posts: 56
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline

I was reading your post...and while missing your Mistress is normal- what I am reading is that your Mistress was there with you ~while~ you were missing Her? That she either had withdrawn from you, or was off in the next room with another, and had left you alone when you felt needy and insecure? I may be off the mark, but, not so sure this was really a loneliness issue, or if the loneliness was a symptom of a dynamic that did not seem to be workng for you in the relationship.

We all have different needs; and needing to be loved, or needing attention, is not 'wrong'- submissive or not. However, it might not be compatible with what that particular Mistress was seeking. I suggest you talk to future potential partners about your needs in an open and mature manner, so that you can find someone that you are comfortable with.

_____________________________

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. ~Michel de Montaigne

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 9:46:12 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: berdachegirl
I need love and affection, its a vital, critical need for me at this point in my life. I think that's going to keep me from having a relationship, because I need too much to grow further.

This is the key statement here.

Sounds like you need to work on YOU before getting into a relationship. It's ok to have needs, it's another thing when a need becomes the only focus in your life and you start destroying the things in life that can actually provide for that need. I would suggest getting some counseling.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 13

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 7:45:55 PM

berdachegirl

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: berdachegirl
I need love and affection, its a vital, critical need for me at this point in my life. I think that's going to keep me from having a relationship, because I need too much to grow further.

This is the key statement here.

Sounds like you need to work on YOU before getting into a relationship. It's ok to have needs, it's another thing when a need becomes the only focus in your life and you start destroying the things in life that can actually provide for that need. I would suggest getting some counseling.

I acknowledge that, and she knew beforehand... I am trying to figure myself out. It was simpler when she was guiding me, but I still now and did then have to find my own way. I really don't have time anymore, I want to experience some of what life and love is before I pass...

I'm just stuck up on love, because I never really experienced it before~

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 14

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 7/31/2008 9:32:04 PM

metalmiss

Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline

The way i see it.. Everybody has needs whether they want them, are allowed them, or not.. So why would it be wrong?

my Master recognises my needs and they are cared for when His have been satisfied..

His needs -> my needs -> His wants -> my wants

The order of priority in our relationship.. When you put it like that, sure its rare we get as far as my wants.. Making those moments far more precious. But the important thing is that my needs are second on the list, because there's a big difference between need and want.

i've experienced something similar to what you are describing in the past and as far as i can see you have nothing to really feel bad about. The simple fact is, not everybody is suited to open/poly relationships..
My advice - Try not to see it as a fault in you, and take some time to consider what it is you're really seeking/suited to.

Hope that helps a little bit, good luck xx

_____________________________

"The longing to serve, to submit, to abandon oneself sexually, emotionally, and physically makes one a slave either to a Man, a Woman or to God. Submission to that passion is divine degradation." - Dorothy C. Hayden

Owned by RavenMuse

(in reply to berdachegirl)

Post #: 15

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 8/1/2008 12:04:55 AM

scarlettjinx

Posts: 117
Joined: 3/14/2008
Status: offline

sorry for the typos as I am also typing one handed. gotta hold on to the pump. Papa and I are extremly cuddly. He is the bigger cuddler though. I feel very blessed that when I am having a bad day I can tell him I need to be loved on and he is right here with a snuggle and a hug. I can't imagine being far away from him.

_____________________________

I'm not an artist, I'm a fucking work of art.
-MM

No longer knocked up. Proud mommy of a fourth of July baby!!!

***owned and operated by Newwacoguy***

(in reply to metalmiss)

Post #: 16

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 8/3/2008 10:49:01 AM

shiazn03

Posts: 90
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

i totally understand your situation and there is NOTHING wrong with needing your M's feel, touch, attention, etc. every second of your life. however, the question is, are those needs able to be met by your M? always speak truthfully about your needs to your M, that is what i think is the most important, first and foremost. as to whether it will be met after that, is a different situation altogether...

i've been there, done my own advices, and well, things turned out for the best.

< Message edited by shiazn03 -- 8/3/2008 10:50:05 AM >

(in reply to scarlettjinx)

Post #: 17

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 8/3/2008 10:56:17 AM

MasterKalif

Posts: 648
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline

To the OP....as a Master is nice to be missed by uour slave girl or submissive....and it shows you care

(in reply to shiazn03)

Post #: 18

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 8/3/2008 3:20:39 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

You miss Your master.
You think they miss the slave.
Then they don't...all of a sudden they don;t/
Then there;s something wrong....terribly wrong.
When something happends behind the scenes of which a slave is unaware....it hurts, really, it hurts in a bad way. especially when it's a pattern

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to MasterKalif)

Post #: 19

RE: Lonliness and your M~ - 8/3/2008 3:45:10 PM

MasterKalif

Posts: 648
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline

I am sorry to hear Prinsexx....in my case I know I miss my little slut

Even if we don't show it openly we always do miss our girl to some degree. I am sure you are missed to when you are away.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 20

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