Confused about what I "am" exactly

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elleelisa -> Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 1:37:03 AM)
I'm so happy I found this community-- I have so many questions about this lifestyle that I need help and advice on. Firstly, I am totally new to BDSM and my interest is mainly in DS. The first time I knew that I was interested in this community was when I met a Dom online about a year ago. We had a fling, but he lived 50 miles away and quite frankly I was scared of the newness and annoyed with having to check-in to someone. I also saw the movie "Secretary" and the word "intrigue" hardly describes my reaction. Am I a sub though? I'm not really sure. I'm definitely not submimssive in real life-- in fact I am a total control freak who loves independence and hates it when things don't go as planned. Once someone has my trust and love, they really have it though. I have high expectations and expect the same from those around me. Recently I had a multiple hook-up with this guy and I told him about my interest in submission and he was like, " I'm TOTALLY dominant." But then in the bedroom, I just sort of felt like I was in some sort of unfortunate, airbrushed porn. It wasn't as authentic as my previous experience, but probably because the guy wasn't really into the dominant lifestyle-- he just called me a slut and pulled my hair. The other man made me... respect him and allow him to take control of me. I suppose a lot of it has to do with love as well... ideally I want to be in a relationship with someone, first and foremost, and then I want to be his sub. Anyhow, on top of that there are a lot of "no"s on my list of things I don't accept in bed and a lot of issues with being someone's sub that make me question whether or not I'm "cut out for it." For example, I'm not the type of woman who doesn't mind not being pleased in bed... I MIND. And I have a phobia of blood, so anything involving needles, or extreme pain doesn't work for me. I wouldn't lick the sole of someone's shoe and am very much adverse to ingesting anything but food... there are other things and issues with having a relationship in general, but all in all I still feel like I am inherently submissive.. sigh it's awfully confusing. & I'm rambling.. Any help/ advice/ thoughts/ similar situation is greatly appreciated!

Shortbow -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 2:29:02 AM)
hi elleelisa, If I were you I wouldn't worry much about all those limits. When you find The guy to hook up with either he will be wiht you because of you and will respect them or he won't be the guy for you. And anyway, rare is the limit that is set in stone, when I started this journey there were lots of thing I told myself "Not in a million years!!!!!! " since then I've discoverd that my million years in lots of thing are very short indeed :P

BKSir -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 2:36:41 AM)
To be quite honest, you sound more like a pet, than anything. One would not mistreat or cut or kick or purposefully feed ones cat something other than food, would one? Pets learn to trust and respect their Master, and in return the Master cares for and, to a degree, commands his/her pet. As far as being a control freak in everyday life, that is very normal really. This could be the subconscious telling you "Stop controlling! Give yourself over to someone else for a while." What are you though? You're new, and curious, and learning. Let yourself question and learn, and you'll get there soon enough. And since I'm here, welcome, it's good to have you here. Play safe and smart, and know your limits, and that limits can sometimes change. And that limits also can sometimes still be something that you flat out say 'NO' to. Both are just fine, as long as you know yourself.

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 4:51:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: elleelisa Any help/ advice/ thoughts/ similar situation is greatly appreciated! As way of a disclaimer, let me just start by say no one is going to really be able to help you figure out what you "are" without really getting to know you, and a few posts and your profile really won't cover that. However, that has never stopped this community (or any other online community, for that matter) from trying. ;) From what I read, I would maybe guess that you are really looking for more of a "traditional marriage" type relationship. A strong male figure that dominates through respect and earned authority. You don't seem too edgy with your kinks, but even some of those elements could be negotiated with your partner. There is a evolutionary advantage to women seeking powerful men. A powerful man can protect the family and allow the offspring to reach breeding age. Perhaps it is this drive that you feel when you find yourself attracted to dominant men. Taggard

ownedgirlie -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 4:57:00 AM)
The following is a great piece written by a veteran of these boards, BitaTruble, which I feel is recommended reading to anyone who is new to BDSM, D/s, M/s, LMNOP, XYZ....you get the idea. Check it out: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1949734/mpage_1/key_new/tm.htm#1949734

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 5:23:29 AM)
personally, i don't know exactly what you are? what's wrong being a control freak, independent submissive? i know i'm an agreesive, detail-oriented, independent, opinionated, etc etc submissive and Daddy loves that about me. He adores having a strong woman who can hold her own. yet first and foremost, i'm a person, mother, daughter, friend, lover and more as well as submissive - many hats i wear on a daily basis. like that song says "getting to know you ...getting to know all about you". that should be first but anything else.

califsue -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 7:07:16 AM)
Welcome.... We all have been new and exploring and for some of us we may not have known what we wanted. The link OwnedGirlie posted is a wonderful piece as she stated. There are also several books you might want to look into reading including The Loving Dominant by John Warren. If you use the search function on the boards you will find enough reading material just on these boards to keep you busy for days. One thing to remember is that everyone's path is different and that there is no 'true' one way or path for someone. Decide what you would want in a relationship because it is no different from a normal vanilla or bdsm relationship. Be safe on your journey and have fun.

Viridana -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 9:01:02 AM)
FR Some people have the luxury of knowing exactly "what they are" and what they are searching for from the start. Other, like myself, had do delve a bit into the lifestyle before I could really point my finger on it. Don't worry too much of this, rather focus on trying as much as you can those things that intrigue you and soon enough you'll get a clearer picture. From what you've written in the OP I would say you were a bottom. A person, not necessary a submissive, that under certain circumstances likes to give up control or be on the receiving end of a sensation play within a given frame. I started as a sub but found out after a few months that it wasn't for me, but bottoming was. Pain was a limit for me in the beginning, but I found out after extensive playing that I'm a pretty hardcore masochist (which for me now is the main attraction of BDSM). It's pretty weird where life and experience takes you. Just enjoy it [:)]

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 9:08:06 AM)
i'll just add that most subs are perfectionist control freaks.

gypsygrl -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 9:33:01 AM)
You could try another take: Don't worry so much about what you are, but focus on what you want to be. And figure out how to become that person. When I first started, I wasn't especially 'submissive' in the bdsm sense of the word. But, I wanted to be. It took me a long time to figure out how to submit to something I didn't want, the sort of internal processing that allows me to overcome psychic resistance. Its gotten alot easier, but I still run into trouble. As you might imagine from the above, I don't think any of us are born dominant or submissive in the bdsm sense of the word. I have a submissive personality but prior to exploring this stuff, I had frequently been put in positions where I was given alot of responsibity and expected to take charge and neither of those two facts really have much to do with what I do within the lifestyle. [I think outside of the bdsm world, people are most comfortable handing 'power' over to people who dont especially want it and have no real interest in it. I'm kind of musing here, but I think that informs the oft cited 'fact' (probably more a stereotype) that s-types are often in positions where they have a lot of repsonsiblity and power over people (they're professionals!). Plato's republic is a good reference point here--and his reasoning behind 'philosopher kings.'] bdsm submission is very different from having a submissive personality. My thoughts are wandering all over the place, but what I'm trying to get at is that it doesn't matter what you are. What matters is what you want to be. :)

Lordandmaster -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 9:34:10 AM)
Well, it depends on what "is" is.

sfdrew -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 10:30:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty There is a evolutionary advantage to women seeking powerful men. A powerful man can protect the family and allow the offspring to reach breeding age. Perhaps it is this drive that you feel when you find yourself attracted to dominant men. Taggard I don't agree with this point of view at all. I am not disagreeing with the assumption that a strong male provider can help protect a mother and his offspring better than a weak one. You are talking about pychological factors driving the woman to a powerful man. While it is true that some species like horses and dogs have built in instincts to follow a hierarchy these are always species that stay in groups and it doesn't affect the females choice of mate. Even if that were the case humans clearly do not fit that pattern. In order for it to be true evolution at work the desire to find strong male mates would have to be passed down genetically. I think it is more likely social and cultural issues that lead women to have a submissive qualities rather than natural ones.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 10:36:02 AM)
this slave identifies as submissive, but there are also those who do, who don't resemble this slave, even slightly. and there is nothing wrong with that...each of us is an individual, unique in our understanding, knowledge, experiences, wants and desires. there are those who think this slave is in need of therapy, counseling or some form of medication to address her personality, relationship desires and sexuality...and then there are a few who don't believe this slave is defective and should celebrate!!! when this slave discovered this alternative lifestyle of D/s and M/s relationships, she identified herself as submissive because of the following. personality-wise: this slave has a submissive personality. it is how she reacts to the world around her, and those in it. she was trained, as a wee one, to obey without thinking of self as well as not to expect or desire control of anything, and she took to the training very well. before becoming Master's slave, beggers were never turned away, she'd have sex on the first date if that is what they wanted, if brother didn't take this slave's hand and lead her out of the subway, she would still be in it, letting others go first, etc. in terms of relationships: this slave did not want another relationship if it meant we were going to be "equals", or vanilla-based with a little kink thrown in. this slave sought out a relationship with another in which they are in complete control and this slave submits to their authority, completely. it doesn't really matter to her what is on the bottom of His shoe, or His cock, if He desires it be licked off, then it will. this slave has learned about/participates in many things that she had no interest or desire in learning about/participating in before, simply because they are important to HIM. doing another's bidding makes this slave all warm and fuzzy inside---as long as she isn't going to jail or dying because of it. sexually speaking: this slave is aroused, fulfilled and satisfied sexually by submitting to another for their use/observation. being objectified is HOT. this slave is also a masochist, and enjoys very much the pleasure/pain that is inflicted upon her by the sadist she is in a relationship with. the actual activities themselves are irrelevant---what is most important and THE turn-on is their desires and whatever this slave can do to fulfill them.

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 10:41:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross i'll just add that most subs are perfectionist control freaks. i'll admit i'm that too.

OnlyHisLovebug -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 10:52:06 AM)
Hi elleelisa... I really doubt that anybody here is going to be able to give you much insight as to whether or not you are a submissive. As I see it, there are a couple of reasons for that. First off, the traits that make someone a submissive is an oft disputed topic- and there are just about as many valid definitions as there are people that identify as such (although not everybody would agree with that statement!). Secondly, nobody else is in your head- they can't feel what you feel, or know how you respond to certain situations and stimuli. So, even to label you according to their own personal definition of the term would be suspect at best. My suggestion would be to figure out what being submissive means to you- by talking to others, doing some research, and some self examination. Once you know what it means to you, it's much easier to figure out if you identify as a sub or not. In the meantime, try not to worry too much about the labels. While some people really seem to live and die by their interpretion of such things, what matters is that you are true to who you are, and persue what makes you whole and happy. From my point of view- it does not matter nearly as much what you call that thing, as it does that you recognize, nurture and accept all the parts of you that make you uniquely who you are.

Asmodeus -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 11:04:28 AM)
Welcome to the BDSM lifestyle, where for 90% of the players (and I don't mean that in a bad way) absolutely everything needs to be labeled and categorized. Try to ignore that and just be yourself. Eventually you will find your own level as long as you don't allow anyone to pigeonhole you.

elleelisa -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 11:23:06 AM)
Wow, thanks for all the feedback everyone. I will definitely look around, read and inform myself more and I'm sure things will work out naturally. No one can tell me what I "am" but now I know that being confused about it doesn't make me an oddity. The "bottom" and "pet" suggestions makes sense and I'll look into them... And while I have limits I know that I bend the boundaries with them- I already have, ha. But that list is comprised of things that I've tried and haven't enjoyed after multiple attempts. Perhaps if the right person comes along it'll be a difference scenario. I suppose, bottom line is that I see myself involved in this lifestyle without question-- many things turn me on, but the thought of being submissive and having a Master affects me differently and more strongly than any other fantasy I have. I suppose time will tell though. When that right person comes along I think the details will work themselves out as well. :]

BKSir -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 12:05:44 PM)
I think Asmodeus put it very well indeed. Also, yes, read up on things, learn, but also know that, no matter how good a piece of written material is, there is no such thing as a definitive textbook on what a pet or slave or sub or dom or master or top or bottom or whatever IS. There are certain common characteristics, but even the most common ones will still not be shared amongs ALL. Every individual and every relationship will have its own rules and dynamics, and those are what will make them work. Labels aside, you are you, and you will find where you belong, even if it, in the end, is not in the bdsm community. And that's fine.

Prinsexx -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 4:39:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: elleelisa he just called me a slut and pulled my hair. well at least he didn't tie you up and just leave you hanging......... i'm sorry to sound flip but you know the way i read that i thought yes, i've had exactly that experience and it was orgasmic......

elleelisa -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/1/2008 5:24:00 PM)
ha, yeah but aside from that, the whole thing was very vanilla and average... there wasn't any substance to it. Anyhow, I know what some of you mean by some people being obsessed with titles... I just had this guy request a chat with me and he just kept asking what I wanted and how submissive I am... I was honest with him and said that I'm not sure yet but I want something long term. He just angrily told me that I was wasting his time, didn't want something long-term and blocked me. yikes!

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