How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are?

How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (Full Version)

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iwantdeepdaddy -> How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 1:39:52 PM)
Hi, New to the scene and I am trying to find a Master. However, I keep hearing all this stuff about hard limits and boundries. Well, since I am new I don't know what is out there that I will or wont do. I feel like leaving myself open to everything sets me up to fail as well as closing my mind to new things sets me up to miss opportunites. So, how do I explore without limiting myself and without giving up my right to decide in the future that something isn't for me? All thoughts appreciated.

HeavansKeeper -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 2:00:11 PM)
First and foremost, you can always change your limits. You always retain the right to say "No, this isn't for me. Let me out. Stop." (usually that's conveyed in a quick agreed upon safe word, many use "Red") You don't have to try everything to know its not for you, but at the same time, keep an open mind - You can always stop it, you have the trump card. Be safe, and don't let anyone coerce you into anything you don't want to do. Be aware of someone's expertise when it comes to breath play, needle play, knife play, etc. Also there are STD's to consider. Edit to add: Secondly, be wary of anyone who won't let you set limits. Although a good owner will discuss your limits with you to see if you're afraid of them simply because they're unknown, he will still respect your limits. That said, dominants have limits too, and it is expected you respect his. Limits are always discussable, always changeable, but when they are in place, need to be respected - The Constitution of your relationship.

celticlord2112 -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 2:10:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: iwantdeepdaddy Hi, New to the scene and I am trying to find a Master. However, I keep hearing all this stuff about hard limits and boundries. Well, since I am new I don't know what is out there that I will or wont do. I feel like leaving myself open to everything sets me up to fail as well as closing my mind to new things sets me up to miss opportunites. So, how do I explore without limiting myself and without giving up my right to decide in the future that something isn't for me? All thoughts appreciated. Easy. Be honest about what you know and don't know. And be honest about how you react when something new is suggested. In the end, there is only one limit. You reach that limit whenever you say "No". You have the right to put that limit wherever you wish, and to move that limit wherever you wish. It is neither foolish nor facetious to say that today's "No" may be tomorrow's "Yes". I had a slave once who initially said "HELL NO" to knife play, and six weeks later had the most intense orgasms whilst being taken with a knifepoint placed on her Adam's apple. Be open to saying "Yes", and do not be afraid to say "No".

ownedgirlie -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 2:24:57 PM)
In my case he explored my mind and in doing so, learned what things scared me, revolted me, excited me, bored me, etc. He took it from there. We talked talked talked about it and he didn't touch me until we both knew I trusted him enough to put myself in his hands. This worked for us because both of us wanted him to decide what the limits would be, if any. In other dynamics, the submissive decides, or they decide together - whatever works for them. He would have me think about various scenarios and journal how I felt about them. I would think about the most extreme scenarios I could imagine myself in (these have changed over time) and visualize myself going through them, and write about how I felt at the time of my imagery. While fantasy is a hell of a lot different than reality, it can also give you an idea about how you feel about certain things. Enjoy your exploration!

mstrj69 -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 5:57:03 PM)
It is always easy to change your limits and say I would like to try that today or this week. You can find out about your own by talking to others, both other submissives and potential dominants or masters. Ask them what their limits are and why. You may decide that you do not have any hesitation while they do or vice versa. As a dominant my opinion is do not play with her until I am sure I know what she wants and does not want when it comes to play. I also want to take her to a munch to see how she interacts with others. Limits would be whatever you might feel uncomfortable doing.

StrongSpirit -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 5:57:27 PM)
Start your limits very restrictive. Agree to do only the things you are sure you want to do. Then, as you learn more about yourself, open them up, agreeing to do more things. Truly, most people do this anyway - their limits 'grow' as they get more experience.

slavegirljoy -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 10:24:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: iwantdeepdaddy So, how do I explore without limiting myself and without giving up my right to decide in the future that something isn't for me? All thoughts appreciated. How have you dealt with life's experiences so far? Some people approach new experiences with a very open mind, a sense of adventure, and with a keen understanding of what feels right and what feels wrong to them, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. This has always been my approach in everything i do. Other people have different ways of experiencing life. You have to decide what's right for you. For me, knowing the character of the person i'm entrusting my health and safety to is key to my being able to let go of any and all desire to control the setting of boundaries and limits within my relationship with Him. And, letting go of control is key to my serenity and contentment. i chose a very good Master who values His property and takes very good care of me. i don't worry about limits. That's His job. It's my job to be obedient and go where He decides to take me. joy Owned servant of Master David

iwantdeepdaddy -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 10:41:59 PM)
I appreciate all responses so far. I am confused though. Aren't slaves not supposed to have limits? Or is it just submissives? How do I know what the difference is. I am not owned but I want to be and everyone I talk to seems to have a different idea of what is what. I just want to have fun. All these rules are a lot to take in.

RedMagic1 -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 10:48:55 PM)
If you search these boards for the phrase "no limits" you will find a TON of stuff about whether slaves have limits. I just looked at your profile. You are going to have an insane amount of mail for the next 30 days. After that it gets better.

ownedgirlie -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 10:50:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: iwantdeepdaddy I appreciate all responses so far. I am confused though. Aren't slaves not supposed to have limits? Or is it just submissives? How do I know what the difference is. I am not owned but I want to be and everyone I talk to seems to have a different idea of what is what. I just want to have fun. All these rules are a lot to take in. There are no rules. The only rules you need to give your energy to are the rules your future owner gives you. I bolded the part about everyone having a different idea of what is what, because nothing here is universal. Some people feel slaves should very well have limits. Some feel they shouldn't. Some think there is no such thing as "no limits." Some think there are. What is important is who you discover you are, and what works for you, and submitting to someone who you fit well with.

d1ll1gaf -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 11:13:52 PM)
Every relationship has a different set of rules, and as others have said they are dynamic and will change with time / experience. You are new to this lifestyle so I don't believe you should be expected to know your limits... in fact my experience has found that every time you start a new relationship it is imperative that time is spent finding out what your limits are (what is enjoyable with one person can be the opposite with another due to minor difference in technique). My advice to you would be to not set limits right now and instead be very honest upfront that over time you will set limits but first you want to explore the lifestyle to determine what those limits will be.

ElanSubdued -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/1/2008 11:47:03 PM)
iwantdeepdaddy, quote: I appreciate all responses so far. I am confused though. Aren't slaves not supposed to have limits? Or is it just submissives? How do I know what the difference is. I am not owned but I want to be and everyone I talk to seems to have a different idea of what is what. I just want to have fun. All these rules are a lot to take in. Ha! Ownedgirlie beat me to it! :-) I'll put a slightly different twist on her answer though. There are no rules except your own and the ones you negotiate with your partner. Most importantly, you choose who you communicate with and who you have relationships with. As other's have said, you can change your limits at any time. As for the notion that slaves don't have limits, that's fantasy BDSM stuff. All people have limits. What we kinksters engage in is consensual BDSM. Consensual means you have consented. It's important to remember that consent is ongoing. In other words, you can withdraw your consent at any time. Some would say the difference between a submissive and a slave is that slaves cannot withdraw consent. Bah. This is more fantasy talk. I repeat, a person may withdraw consent at any time. Here's the most important advice I can give someone new: This is no different than vanilla dating. If someone makes you feel creepy, avoid them. Communicate openly and do what you're comfortable with and what makes you feel good. BDSM relationships, despite the kinky, fun stuff, are still founded on a great deal of vanilla compatibility. Keep this in mind. The best dominants I know are wonderful, loving vanilla people too. They communicate and take things at a rate that is comfortable for their partner and themselves. Welcome to the forums iwantdeepdaddy. This is a great place to learn. If you've got more questions, ask away. :-) Elan.

angaothsi -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/2/2008 12:06:06 AM)
Way back in the begining, He gave me a questioneer of sorts that covered everything from A to Z and then some, every now and again he would make me do the same thing, always the same questions and for the longest time it just bugged the hell outta me! But even now more then 12 years later he has all of them and it is so funny to look over them and see how I changed. The whole point was to see what my limits were, just how "hard" those limits were and the best way He could help me explore them safely.

IrishMist -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/2/2008 4:35:39 AM)
There is not much that I can say that has not already been said. YOU set the limits for what YOU can and want to do; no one else has the right to do that...unless YOU decide to give up that right to YOUR partner; and I can only hope that if you do that, it's someone who YOU took the time to get to know and trust. Remember, you are literally placing your life in their hands; don't do it lightly or impulsively simply because you are DYING to be owned by ANYONE. As for the sub/slave thing...it only applies to what YOU feel inside...no one else can decide what you are or who you should be...AND, your actions or lack of actions ( meaning limits or no limits ) DOES NOT DECIDE who and what you are.

SimplyMichael -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/2/2008 6:50:04 AM)
quote: New to the scene and I am trying to find a Master. That is like going clothes shopping but not knowing what size you are or what colors look good on you yet. quote: However, I keep hearing all this stuff about hard limits and boundaries. Does having a speculum shoved up your ass and having your owner use that hole for a toilet in front of a dozen or so party goers turn you on? I bet you just found one limit or perhaps a turn on. Go forward one space and roll again. quote: Well, since I am new I don't know what is out there that I will or wont do. See above quote: I feel like leaving myself open to everything sets me up to fail as well as closing my mind to new things sets me up to miss opportunites. Go slow, watch more often than you play, talk openly and honestly about where you are at and what you are trying to explore and pick people who listen and ask questions before giving orders and demands. quote: So, how do I explore without limiting myself and without giving up my right to decide in the future that something isn't for me? In my rather broad experience, limits change, some come and go, some are always there and others depend on who you are partnered with. Relax, explore, and expand as you go. As for slaves, many relish that title because it sounds so hot. Just be yourself, you will be more slavish than some and less than others but if you do it right you will be happy which is more than most can actually claim.

Mercnbeth -> RE: How do you set limits and boundaries if you don't know what they are? (8/2/2008 7:17:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: iwantdeepdaddy Hi, New to the scene and I am trying to find a Master. However, I keep hearing all this stuff about hard limits and boundaries. Well, since I am new I don't know what is out there that I will or wont do. I feel like leaving myself open to everything sets me up to fail as well as closing my mind to new things sets me up to miss opportunities. So, how do I explore without limiting myself and without giving up my right to decide in the future that something isn't for me? All thoughts appreciated. In your situation there is only one limit I'd make 'hard'. Limit your trust. Make sure anyone you meet earns it before you give it. Have limitless expectations, limitless goals, limitless desires for sensation; just don't trust that people you meet have your safety and well being in mind when they say they will help you explore them. Ideally find someone who either has the experience, connections, and ability to take you to see as much as possible. If they don't have that experience be sure that they share your curiosity and have the confidence to disclose their limitations. Make sure they can share a laugh with you when they make a mistake or try something with you that doesn't go exactly as planned. Something else to keep in mind. The reasons that limits and/or preferences change is that they are rarely isolated. Most evolve within the person and consider the relationship partners. What is a hard limit within one relationship could become a daily occurrence in another. Once again, it comes down to trust. Within my relationship, my partner beth expresses that she has no limits about what she will do for me and what I can do to her. she can only represent that because she knows me and is confident in her trust that my limits protect us both. Strive for that broad brush approach to 'limits' and the small details will take care of themselves.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: How do you set limits and boundaries if you don't know what they are? (8/2/2008 7:30:38 AM)
When I met Fox, he had soft limits but since he had never actually tried much of anything he couldnt say for sure he had any hard ones. Think about what you THINK you might like, those are your interests, for a beginner. If you think about something and your first reaction to it is ick or hell no... thats a limit. Yours dont need to be set in stone, bt you do need to tell whomever you play with at first that you do not necessarily know what will and wont work. Things you thought youd love might be limits after you try them and things you thought youd hate might be huge turn ons. If you do have hard limits, they should be things you would never, under any crcumstances do, no matter what. For both boys, thats bisexual service and sharing. For Angel, thats any sexual service and any painful punishment. Thats about it everything else was up for negotiation. I told them both they will try everything I like once. If it works for them, we continue it on, if it doesnt we dont. But they had to try it once. Dont go gung ho for a Master until you find out if the lifestyle is even for you. You think you want it, but that might change drastically once you find out how it feels. Meet someone you click with that you can experiment with. Your first doesnt always have to be your last. If it works to collaring and ownership, fantastic, if not, its like dating... even though you click it isnt always a long term click. DV

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/2/2008 9:32:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: iwantdeepdaddy I appreciate all responses so far. I am confused though. Aren't slaves not supposed to have limits? Or is it just submissives? How do I know what the difference is. I am not owned but I want to be and everyone I talk to seems to have a different idea of what is what. I just want to have fun. All these rules are a lot to take in. The way that I understand it, (and I of course could be wrong) by definition, slaves have no limits. I felt the same way when I came here. Confused as to all the labels, definitions, should's, shouldn'ts... I hate looking or sounding like I don't know what I am doing... I have found that to me, all these questions were similar to those I had when I started dating boys as a (barely) teenager.. "What should I do? Should I let him do this? Shouldn't I be doing that? When is it ok to get to first base? etc.." What did you do then? Hopefully you went slowly, got to know the person for a long time and didn't go any farther than you felt comfortable going. (OK, that's the advice I will give my um's that I wished someone would have given me.) There are no special rules. Don't let anyone tell you that there are. If right now you just want to have fun, then just have fun. Stay here on the message boards. It's a great way to get to know people and learn alot about wiitwd (what it is that we do)...

dawntreader -> RE: How do you set limits and boundaries if you don't know what they are? (8/2/2008 10:02:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth In your situation there is only one limit I'd make 'hard'. Limit your trust. Make sure anyone you meet earns it before you give it. Have limitless expectations, limitless goals, limitless desires for sensation; just don't trust that people you meet have your safety and well being in mind when they say they will help you explore them. Beautiful advice...as always!

ElanSubdued -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/2/2008 10:48:09 AM)
BossyShoeBitch, quote: The way that I understand it, (and I of course could be wrong) by definition, slaves have no limits. This is one definition I've heard. To me, this is utter nonsense. Try telling your "slave" that you want to literally cut off their arm, that you no longer want them to eat - ever, that you want to out them at work, etc. I put it to the community that any sane slave would take action to protect themselves. And if a slave isn't capable or in a mindset that they can make decisions for themselves, then I'd also say they can't consent, in which case the BDSM relationship comes into question. All human beings have parameters and limits within which the live. These parameters can vary widely from person to person, but they are still there. quote: I felt the same way when I came here. Confused as to all the labels, definitions, should's, shouldn'ts... I hate looking or sounding like I don't know what I am doing... I have found that to me, all these questions were similar to those I had when I started dating boys as a (barely) teenager.. "What should I do? Should I let him do this? Shouldn't I be doing that? When is it ok to get to first base? etc.." What did you do then? Hopefully you went slowly, got to know the person for a long time and didn't go any farther than you felt comfortable going. (OK, that's the advice I will give my um's that I wished someone would have given me.) There are no special rules. Don't let anyone tell you that there are. If right now you just want to have fun, then just have fun. Stay here on the message boards. It's a great way to get to know people and learn alot about wiitwd (what it is that we do). About the rest of your post... I think you're spot on. Thanks for posting this. Elan.

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