RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one?

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 8:41:38 AM

camille65

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

I have one sister who repeatedly caused me pain. My door is no longer open to her. Since she rarely shows up for family functions, it's not really an issue, but if she does, no, I no longer feel any anxiety toward seeing her. The reason is because I am secure in my decision to create the boundary I did. I neither like nor dislike her, in fact I rarely think of her. So when I see her, she is just another person in the room who I am cordial with. A gentle hug and kiss on the cheek, a smile, and polite conversation is OK with me now. In years past I did have a great deal of anxiety about seeing her, in fact I even skipped a couple of family functions because of it. But that is no longer the case for me. I see her as just another person who hasn't resolved her inner demons, and I have no animosity toward her because of it. I just don't need her in my world.

Ohboy I have real problems in setting boundaries with people that hurt me. I don't know how to do it, there is this huge thing inside of me that overrides the ability to say no. Its like a panicky fear of being disliked or being the bad guy.

There are two family members and several 'friends' that I really need to set boundaries with but can't seem to do it. The lines don't stick, they know that I have a history of forgetting and forgiving no matter what they do.

Even with my ex husband I struggle, he spends at least 5 nights a week at my house when I honest to god need him to not be here. But..he is lonely and hates where he lives. He blames me for putting him in the position of having to live in a crappy area because I was the one to divorce him etc etc. I also need his help at my house (god that is an entire entry about power struggles and my lack of spine all on its own) so there is this fear that if I say the wrong thing I will lose the help he gives me for free.

While the rational part of me says he is an adult that made his own choices, the irrational part says 'well it is true. He is miserable because I forced him out of this marriage knowing he still loved me'. So the pattern continues even though we are divorced. I do everything I can to smooth things out for him because his anger scares me and he is an angry man. I try and take care of him because I worry (rightfully so, even though he is not my responsibility) that he can't manage his life and he has no one else.

Over the weekend a few friends stopped by to say happy bday to me, one is the guy who had been planning to buy my house. He too is an angry unhappy guy and he spent 5 hours making snide and rude comments to me. I did say something to him about it and he got very apologetic, but it is habitual with him. Using me as his um.. verbal punching bag. I know why he does it, I know it isn't truly personal but that he is super unhappy and I'm an easy target.

Your last line 'I see her as another person who hasn't resolved her inner demons' hits the mark.
The people that hurt me do so because they haven't been able to deal with their own problems, so I end up understanding why they do it and end up letting them continue to do it.

All because I am scared to say no, to say stop hurting me.
If I say no to them then I lose my purpose with them. I'm actually terrified of conflict, of making waves. I want want want people to be happy and okay so I convinced myself at an early age that bearing the brunt of someones misery is actually good because it deflects them from hurting themselves or someone else.

What a timely thread for me since I'm in the midst of all this right now.
I've been staring at this post for almost half an hour debating between the 'ok' button and the 'cancel' button.

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 11:20:50 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65
If I say no to them then I lose my purpose with them. I'm actually terrified of conflict, of making waves. I want want want people to be happy and okay so I convinced myself at an early age that bearing the brunt of someones misery is actually good because it deflects them from hurting themselves or someone else.

Hi Camille,

What is your purpose with them? To be their savior? Did you read Erin's recent thread about having tried to save her ex Master? If not, I really suggest you do. If you did, I suggest you do again.

My ex husband holds me responsible for everything wrong in our marriage, and for leaving him. He is now destitute and homeless. Because of me?? No, because he refused to work, and refused to be accountable for himself, and insisted on living on the handouts of others. Where did that get him? Everyone (including myself) enabled him, making him more and more dependent and needy. The thing is, doing that was taking me down with him. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to let them go. There doesn't even need to be conflict about it.

Here's an example - I had a friend who had a difficult time with me discovering happiness. She only knew how to relate to depression. Last year I took a very needed month-long trip by myself to get away from everything and learn what I'm all about. In doing so, I would email close friends little travelogues about my trip. She wrote to me, saying she didn't like hearing about all my fun, because she was too depressed. This is a woman who saw me go through a breakdown and who resented my picking myself back up.

I told her I understand how she feels, and I respect who she is, and I love her. But right now I need people in my life who can encourage the changes I'm trying to make, and who can support my discovery of life and happiness. I understand that she can't, but she will probably hear from me less as a result. I wished her love and I wished her well. No conflict. Just a simple truth.

It is more important for me to know and be who I am, and to be true to that, than to fill the roles unhealthy people want me to fill. I guess the question is, do you want to be healthy or unhealthy? Because that's a choice, too.

I really wish you well in this. I know exactly where you're coming from. I lived it for years.

~Hugs~

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 11:31:49 AM

UR2Badored

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

Tough love is never easy for anyone. Which unless I am wrong here is what you are trying to justify in your own mind?

Unless I am wrong, perhaps I am coming off negatively to you and possibly it is as you say. However, I do appreciate the insights and personal stories being shared. My situation was somewhat prompted as a child not being able to set boundaries. As an adult, I made boundaries thus the problem or the "justification" whatever you want to call it. It still occassionally haunts me that I cannot have a relationship that was relevant in my youth. This may well be one of the many, many flaws in my personality. The details of why I chose to end the relationship have not been shared here, but I feel it was the right choice for me (then and now) given the situation. Again, I am glad you found peace in your situation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Oh boy I have real problems in setting boundaries with people that hurt me. I don't know how to do it, there is this huge thing inside of me that overrides the ability to say no. Its like a panicky fear of being disliked or being the bad guy.

What a timely thread for me since I'm in the midst of all this right now.
I've been staring at this post for almost half an hour debating between the 'ok' button and the 'cancel' button.

Thanks for your contribution, Camille. I am glad you hit send :)

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/6/2008 12:09:55 PM >

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 11:45:39 AM

onestandingstill

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If you choose to leave behind family or friends who don't get you, that's up to you to decide
If someone else tells you not to speak with your family or vanilla friends that's unacceptable in my opinion no matter who you are.
BDSM has actually taught me how to leave behind unhealthy people in my vanilla life I had carried over 30 years.
Learning to respect myself and not let others use me in unhealthy ways was the key for me to be free.
suzanne

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 11:55:46 AM

UR2Badored

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ugh! double post

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/6/2008 11:57:18 AM >

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 12:05:03 PM

UR2Badored

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triple post.........argh!

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/6/2008 12:06:17 PM >

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 12:24:49 PM

batshalom

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~fast reply~

It is rarely difficult for me to distance myself from toxicity, whether in family members, friends, or acquaintances. I have a will of iron and can be stubborn and inflexible when it comes to people who do more harm to me than good.

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 1:14:51 PM

UR2Badored

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quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Ohboy I have real problems in setting boundaries with people that hurt me. I don't know how to do it, there is this huge thing inside of me that overrides the ability to say no. Its like a panicky fear of being disliked or being the bad guy.

Camile,
A question if I may, do these feelings apply to mainly people that entered your life at a younger age, or basically applies to everyone around you regardless of how recently you've met the person? For me, I changed my ways, like many, a lot in the last decade and so in how I handle situations (among other things I've seen an expansion of my wrinkles, hiney, and midrift--pfft) However, I do understand that "panicky" feeling you speak of to some extent.

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/6/2008 1:57:41 PM >

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 3:31:57 PM

greenearth21

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Joined: 7/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored
I know that emotionally distancing oneself from a loved one or family member is a human condition and not related to BDSM at all. In the course of life, it is bound to occur to most of us in any type of relationship albeit family, friends, or the more intimate sort. If not, I'd like to hear from you, too.
(1) However, I'd like to know personal experiences or insight from "s" types who had to distance themselves from a family member. Was it an accumulation of events, illness, or addiction?
(2) Because family events must occur, do you feel any kind of anxiety when you encounter them or do you get to a point where it does not bother you at all?

I think distancing of oneself from a loved one can be a healthy thing and doesnt have to have or carry teh negative connotation of abandonment that most think. I dont want to say that its easy to distance myself because it is an emotional deal, but i tend to think logically in such situations. It all depends on what the person does that disrupts my life and whether its somethign that has been discussed (how much) and if anything has changed. If it is still a toxic or unhappy situation, i cut my losses and move on. My life is trying enough that the last thing i need, whether its family, a lover or a friend, is another difficulty. I make my point clear that i no longer wish to continue the relationship and give my reasons (i think its the only courteous thing to do) and tell them they have to be respected; which cuts off the numerous calls of "why aren't you talkign to me"? And i believe that tiem helps ease things and at that point if its worth it and do able i try to re open those doors.
I had a best friend from high school who i still think of and miss at times, but her negativity towards me after my marriage and having my um was way too much and i could only tolerate it a few times. It hurt becaue we'd grown up together and were more liek sisters and to let go of that wasn't easy, but the way things were going...the relationship was going to turn into a competition which i find to be very stupid, therefore it was destined to doom. I miss her a lot, but my life has been much happier without her. I only try to surround myself with optimistic people...not necessarily those who bend with the wind, but those who know their limits and arent the type to put you down to make up for their shortcomings.

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 3:39:45 PM

natasha66

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Letting friends and/or family walk all over me for the sake of "keeping the peace" is something I will no longer do. If something someone is doing rubs me the wrong way, I have the right and the obligation to walk away if I want to keep my serenity. Just my opinion.....

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RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance your... - 8/6/2008 3:40:48 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
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From: Austin Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

A question if I may, do these feelings apply to mainly people that entered your life at a younger age, or basically applies to everyone around you regardless of how recently you've met the person? For me, I changed my ways, like many, a lot in the last decade and so in how I handle situations (among other things I've seen an expansion of my wrinkles, hiney, and midrift--pfft) However, I do understand that "panicky" feeling you speak of to some extent.

I'm doing some thinking about your question. My first reaction was to say that yes it applies to those that have been a large part of my life but on closer examination that doesn't hold true. Its something that is way over balanced on the side of wanting to please others, make sure others are happy without concern for the cost.
There are those however that I go too deeply with and yeah they are people that have been in my life for a very long time.
(thanks)

Yes NV I did read that thread but need to read it again. It struck a nerve in me and I ended up skimming it rather than really think about it.
It also goes along somewhat with that thread on absorbing the pain of others. I do that, sometimes when I shouldn't.

BTW, I miss your picture but love the new nick.

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