How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (Full Version)

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UR2Badored -> How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 6:43:08 AM)

I know that emotionally distancing oneself from a loved one or family member is a human condition and not related to BDSM at all. In the course of life, it is bound to occur to most of us in any type of relationship albeit family, friends, or the more intimate sort.  If not, I'd like to hear from you, too.
(1) However, I'd like to know personal experiences or insight from "s" types who had to distance themselves from a family member.  Was it an accumulation of events, illness, or addiction?
(2) Because family events must occur, do you feel any kind of anxiety when you encounter them or do you get to a point where it does not bother you at all?

I wonder if it can be more of  a struggle with "s" types or not.  By this, I dont mean that all people dont have some type of struggle--just wonder specifically about "s" types.

Of course, any or all insights are welcomed. :o)



OnlyHisLovebug -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 6:52:37 AM)

1) I really think it depends on the individual "s" type, as we are all different.  I'd think that for someone that, by nature, feels the need to be accepted, pleasing, and generally compliant- it could be a real issue.  Obviously not all submissives feel that way toward  everyone, or even anyone *lol*.  So it's going to be specific to the situation.  If it was someone they were close to, someone they felt (still feel?) the need to placate- it could be downright unpleasant. 

2) It's a YMMV type thing.  Some people have thicker skin than others, and get over things quicker.  For others, it may never get any easier.  Only time will tell.



UR2Badored -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 6:59:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlyHisLovebug

I'd think that for someone that, by nature, feels the need to be accepted, pleasing, and generally compliant- it could be a real issue.  


I think your words pegged the heart of my question and the same attributes could negatively feed the relationship.......thank you for your insight.

I asked about family relationships because I believe that relationships that we cultivate as an adults can be different than the ones we inherit at birth because of the belief system and bond we had at younger ages...anyway



natasha66 -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 8:26:38 AM)

 I've had to distance myself from family members who are toxic to my peace of mind.  I made a concious decision not to be an active part of their lives.  I love them because they are family, but choose not to be involved on anything more than a surface level.  It's not an easy thing to do at times, but I find the older I get, the less patience I have for drama and chaos.  For me it's a matter of self-preservation.



UR2Badored -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 8:51:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: natasha66

I've had to distance myself from family members who are toxic to my peace of mind.  I made a concious decision not to be an active part of their lives.  I love them because they are family, but choose not to be involved on anything more than a surface level.  It's not an easy thing to do at times, but I find the older I get, the less patience I have for drama and chaos.  For me it's a matter of self-preservation.

Thank you for your response......It  was very well stated, and I can relate to it more than I would like..  One question if I may:  Did you convey your decision to them or was it a personal choice not divulged the reason to the family member(s)?  Okay, maybe a second question: Because of family events, did you ever gain a sense of closure?



natasha66 -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 9:45:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

One question if I may:  Did you convey your decision to them or was it a personal choice not divulged the reason to the family member(s)?  Okay, maybe a second question: Because of family events, did you ever gain a sense of closure?
 

I didn't really feel it necessary to divulge why.  I see this family member on occasion at family gatherings, and we are on speaking terms, but that's about it.  I'm not angry at her, I just choose not to be involved.  My other family members all know the reason, even though it was never verbalized.  As far as closure, there is none, because she is family.  I'm just choosing not to indulge in the insanity.



pixidustpet -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 9:47:56 AM)

its hellish to have to distance myself from 2 particular individuals.  i adore my mama, and th 2 i cant stand being around are my father and brother.  m brother because he's a dick....i tell people "my brother? you remember Mr Spock from star trek? yeah, like that but not such a warm personality."

and my father was abusive...emotionally, physically, sexually.  so to be around my mama, i have to be around him...my brother lives in another state.  its hard on me, its hard on her.

kitten,shrugging.



canupleaseme -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 11:47:29 AM)

9 years ago my cousin and I were very close friends.  We had our U.M's around the same time and spent a lot of time together while our partners were at work.  She got into money trouble and possibly drugs though I am not 100% on that.  She rang me up one day demanding that I help her out with some money as she had borrowed it from a loan shark and they were coming round to take the tv etc if she didnt pay them, and her partner didn't know anything about it.  I said no.  I didn't have much money myself as I was on maternity leave.  Out of pure spite she rang my mum and several other family members and told them she was concerned that I was abusing my U.M. That I rarely fed her or changed her nappy.  That I swore at her and was rough with her.  She then went on to phone social services and tell them the same.

That afternoon I had a knock at the door and found my mum and the social services there angrily demanding to see my U.M and asking me all sorts of questions.  It was one of the most embaressing, painful, hurtful humiliating experiences of my life.  Being questioned and checked etc.

In  nutshell she was cautioned by the police for wasting time and false accusations. She admitted making it up hoping to divert the attention away from her pending problem. I am ashamed to say I beat seven bells of shit out of her when I saw her next.  Its the only time I have ever been violent towards someone in such an uncontrollable way.  I hated how it made me feel.

Now me and the cousin are the apples of my grandparents eyes.  They love us both dearly and did not know what had happened between us as it would hurt them a lot.
I completely distanced myself from her and her family.  My mum knows why and supports me and so do all the other cousins.  It is very hard at family events though which is usually 4 get togethers a year.  I choose to just ignor her completely. 

My grandparents really pushed me this year to make amends with her as they knew something was wrong and she had indicated to them that I was the one with the problem.  I had to tell them a safer version of what happened and asked them to respect my decision.

I don't need her in my life, she has no bearing on what I do or how I feel and she doesn't need to.  In all honesty I wouldn't piss on her is she was on fire she caused me unbelievable paranoia and depression by her spiteful actions.  I feel that life is too short and if someone is bringing you down family or not then distancing yourself is the healthy choice to make. 

I still get anxious at family events and find my teeth clenched and hands in fists she makes my skin crawl.



UR2Badored -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 11:54:32 AM)

Much appreciation to each who have shared your stories or insights so far.  It has helped me more than I can express in words.



eyesopened -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 12:03:34 PM)

i guess i'm one of the lucky ones who enjoys the emotional closeness of my family members.  i am doubly blessed to have both parents still living.  i would actually like a closer relationship with my brothers but we have lived half a continent away for the past 30+ years.

i have had to distance myself from toxic friends and for me the easiest way was simply to say, "my friendship with you is no longer healthy for me so I will no longer be talking to you."  For some reason, stating simple facts as they relate to me works best for me.



NuevaVida -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 1:50:51 PM)

I have one sister who repeatedly caused me pain. My door is no longer open to her. Since she rarely shows up for family functions, it's not really an issue, but if she does, no, I no longer feel any anxiety toward seeing her. The reason is because I am secure in my decision to create the boundary I did. I neither like nor dislike her, in fact I rarely think of her. So when I see her, she is just another person in the room who I am cordial with. A gentle hug and kiss on the cheek, a smile, and polite conversation is OK with me now. In years past I did have a great deal of anxiety about seeing her, in fact I even skipped a couple of family functions because of it. But that is no longer the case for me. I see her as just another person who hasn't resolved her inner demons, and I have no animosity toward her because of it. I just don't need her in my world.



smilingjaguar -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 1:53:08 PM)

Sir and I have had to do that with one of his sisters.  She is, in his words, a snake.  Toxic to everyone and everything she touches.  For a number of years we didn't divulge why we were only civil at holidays and never took her up on offers to come hang out.  I gave her another shot after she had an UM as she was having a difficult time with GI problems similar to what my UM had, so I was giving her tips, etc.  The toxic stuff started showing up again and I just went back to civil kind of yes, no, maybe stuff.  She finally asked why and I told her in a very calm manner the type of behavior that we had a problem with and that if that changed we would be open to a closer relationship.  Has it changed?  Well, it's better, but I don't expect it to last.

As a sub?  I'm not really submissive outside of my relationship with Sir, and when you add that I'm a momma bear type with my UMs, I don't really have trouble distancing myself from people when I feel I've done my part to make things better.



DelightnDevotion -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 2:07:20 PM)

I cut off contact with my father, a pedophile who abused me as a child, 15 years ago.  He would not take responsibility for his actions and insisted on being treated as if he had never done the horrible things to me that he had.  So I just stopped all contact/communication with him.  I didn't tell him I was going to or try to explain myself to anyone.  I didn't feel I had to justify my behavior.  Unfortunately, because my mother decided to support my father rather vocally and vehemently I was placed in a very awkward place with her, as well.  I decided to cut off communication for her, as well, because her constant hammering on me to tell everyone I was lying was too toxic for me to tolerate.  I did write her a letter and explain why I was stepping away from our relationship.  I haven't been back to my hometown since I cut off contact with them--to be there and potentially run into either one of them would be awful, and an unnecessary thing to put myself through--no benefit to me at all.  

Has it been hard?  Oh yeah, it's been hellish.  As my Dom says, I'm essentially an orphan.  It breaks my heart.  And the difficulty was compounded by my naturally submissive personality.  I should have stood up for myself a lot earlier.  Walking away wouldn't have been so agonizing...the continued lack of communication wouldn't be as hard.  Yet that doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do.  So I acknowledge my emotions but stand my ground despite them.   Maybe someday it'll be easier--but for now, despite it being easy or hard, it remains the right thing to do for me and my mental/spiritual health. 



natasha66 -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 3:34:09 PM)

♥♥♥ 
People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
♥♥♥
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
or to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
♥♥♥
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
♥♥♥
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
♥♥♥
When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,
the season eventually ends.
♥♥♥
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

♥♥♥

by: Brian A. “Drew” Chalker



slaveforsure -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 3:36:57 PM)

I don’t think the difficulty in having to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one comes from being submissive; it’s difficult because they are a loved one. While we may have a greater need for “people pleasing” than the general population lets not lose sight of the fact that we’re strong enough to choose who deserves that submission and who doesn’t. A trait I don’t think any sub or slave should lose is that ability to recognize when a person or situation is toxic to them and be able to detach from it. Whether it’s a D/s based situation or a vanilla situation – it doesn’t matter, it’s really only a matter of self preservation.



UR2Badored -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 3:51:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
I see her as just another person who hasn't resolved her inner demons, and I have no animosity toward her because of it. I just don't need her in my world.


NuevaVida
Thanks for sharing a positive outcome with this dilemna.  Miss your former pretty picture though :(

quote:

ORIGINAL: smilingjaguar

...  She finally asked why and I told her in a very calm manner the type of behavior that we had a problem with and that if that changed we would be open to a closer relationship.  Has it changed?  Well, it's better, but I don't expect it to last...


Smilingjaguar,
I hope it continues on the right tract--thanks for your thoughts.

Delightndevotions:  Just a big hug for you!

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveforsure
I don’t think the difficulty in having to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one comes from being submissive; it’s difficult because they are a loved one.


Slaveforsure,
Largely, I do agree with you.  I was just curious is all. 

Natasha66,
Thanks for all of your posts and adding the loving quote about reason, season, and life.  Bless you.
Thanks again to everyone who has shared their insights with me.



NuevaVida -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/5/2008 3:53:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

NuevaVida
Thanks for sharing a positive outcome with this dilemna.  Miss your former pretty picture though :(



Thank you. That was sweet. :)



sub4hire -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/6/2008 6:09:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored


(1) However, I'd like to know personal experiences or insight from "s" types who had to distance themselves from a family member.  Was it an accumulation of events, illness, or addiction?
(2) Because family events must occur, do you feel any kind of anxiety when you encounter them or do you get to a point where it does not bother you at all?


S type hmm?  People are people.  We are all dominant in some phase of our lives.  Whether it be telling an employee what to do or running the household.  Raising the children...etc.

Anyway.  If we are a submissive we submit to someone.  Things are different then.  I am submissive to my dom only.  Because he has earned that.  To other's well, I don't care what they think.  That is me.

When my father died 21/2 years ago within moments my brother the addict started making death threats against me.  In the years prior when he had attacked mom and dad I had been in it with him.  He was about a hundred pounds heavier than me and about 6 inches taller.  I always held my own...but could I do serious damage to him?  Don't know and didn't want to find out.  Especially since my ex dom was a hunter.  I adore target shooting and I've very good with most any type of gun.  It would be very easy to just be done with it. 
I think in my life when things have happened like this...it is an accumulation of events.  I just get tired of the same old crap.  I was being sued within moments of my fathers passing as well.  My dom told me to figure out a way to handle it.  I did.  I said...I'm going to have to kill him off in my mind...otherwise I won't be able to fight him.  So, that is what I did.  I merely did some thinking about everything in my entire life.  The shoot outs I had been in to protect him from dealers.  The 3am runs to the local bar to pick his sorry ass up.  Raising his kids for him....well I could go on and on.  As opposed to what he had done for me in my entire life..which was nothing.  We had never had a single conversation in my entire 40 years on this planet.
I was successful.  I killed him off in my mind.  I went on to fight.  I didn't get the chance to crush him in court..we never made it that far.  Today if I got a call from one of his kids he needs a kidney from me to live.  I'd refuse.  Cold hearted maybe but he has pushed me this far.  To spite him...after he no longer needed my kidney for reasons.  I'd then give it to a stranger.
If he were to show up on my doorstep today.  There would probably be anxiety.  Althogh it would be fear of doing something to him if he tried something.  I can not live if I killed my own brother.  Regardless whether I walked away with a slap on the hand or did prison time.  It would still be in my mind forever.  It is that, I could not live with.
Though I don't know if I am your typical submissive type.  Some call me more slave like who really know me.  Those who don't know anything about me call me dominant.  I don't feel I identify with a slave. 
I've always stuck up for the underdog and not been worried about my own welfare. 



UR2Badored -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/6/2008 6:21:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

S type hmm?  People are people.  We are all dominant in some phase of our lives.  Whether it be telling an employee what to do or running the household.  Raising the children...etc.


I pretty much addressed it was a "human condition" and not a bottom-labeled (term dujour) issue.  However, I think there may be positive and negative aspects in "some" cases with "some" "s" types when dealing with family. (Note: by "s" types, I am not just referring to people in the BDSM community, but am asking/addressing 's" types in this forum).  Just an observation that really has nothing to do with BDSM at all, and I probably could not explain my observations very well in this format. It may not make any sense to posters, but this is helping me by sharing your experiences. Thank you for sharing such a personal story, and I'm glad that you are at peace :)


Eyesopened:  Yes, consider yourself very blessed! :) The closeness I share with most of my family members is priceless and the two I had to emotionally distance myself for my own preservation over a decade ago still leaves a hole in my heart--but life goes on..



sub4hire -> RE: How hard is it for you to emotionally distance yourself from a loved one? (8/6/2008 8:24:17 AM)

Tough love is never easy for anyone.  Which unless I am wrong here is what you are trying to justify in your own mind?



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