RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job?

RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (Full Version)

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Maxwell67 -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/8/2008 12:57:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Maxwell67 but in truth I think it would be a path to getting what you want here... . I came back to this thread when I noticed it updated and while I was here I re-read my last post and realized that even the last part sounded snarky, but it was too late to edit it. So here is what I WOULD have written, if I could have edited it. You made a change in the household routine and it is affecting your lives negatively, but you are caught in this sort of conundrum of not wanting to sacrifice face by going back the way it was. You need a way to circumvent that so you can adapt and survive as a couple. 1. He loves you (I assume..) 2. He's submissive 3. That is the role he is used to. He knows it works. 4. Things are already getting stressful for him. Most submissives working at home live relatively stress free lives. There may be lots of work but a powerful sense of purpose and access to what I think of as 'high quality validation' act very well to reduce the stress. 5. Seeing a good reason for returning to his duties without any urging on your part will spare both of you that bit of uncomfortableness. You avoid anyone coming out looking like a failure or like any sort of coercion was happening. There is no 'bad guy' Ok, this is not true in all cases, however, I think it might apply here. A lot of submissive gain a greater sense of accomplishment from being a contributor to the success of their doms than from their own success, but even if he is not among these subs, he could become one. Should the OP have to make sacrifices in her own career to pick up the household slack and her own success looks as if it will have to suffer. I am betting his value system ranks her success higher than his, so the opportunity to decide to junk the new career will not look like any type of failure if taken, but instead feed the subs ego. Everybody wins. Now perhaps you do not think this way, but it may be that he does. Of course for this scenario to work, his perceptions would have to be taken into account. If there is no problem with doing that, or with actually doing housework, it seemed like a sound suggestion whether it applies in your exact case or no.

LadyPact -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/8/2008 3:07:14 AM)
Aakasha, I'm going to tell you something that My husband tells Me on a regular basis. You're spoiled. [sm=rofl.gif] I hope you're going to take that in the nature it was intended. I don't mean it in a bad way. It means that your sub has been focused on you and only you for quite a while and you've become accustomed to it. Those ten hours a week are effecting you because he isn't at your beck and call. Believe Me, over these last six weeks, I've had to get used to it Myself. I do have a question for you though. Is it really so much that things are slipping around the house, meaning in his service to you, or is it more that you don't especially like sharing your sub with his "other boss"? I've been noticing those references that you made and I'm getting the feeling that it might be just as much the loss of his hours at home as you not liking that he has another authority figure. I'm not saying his other boss has the same kind of authority as you, but it is still an authority for those ten hours a week. I could be way off the mark with that, but if I'm not, have you looked at the part that might be some issues you have with sharing your sub with the other boss? As for the question, all of My subs have always had outside employment, so I've never gone from absolute 100% of their time to less. Truthfully, I've always encouraged it. Someone else said in one of their replies that working outside of the home tends to make a person more interesting and fulfilled. I've found that to be My experience. If things really are lacking around the house, or for your personal needs, I would absolutely suggest looking for a service submissive to fill them. Just for the errands or the things that you feel are slipping those ten hours a week. I'm sure you could make a submissive very happy with the pleasure of serving you.

Sylverdawn -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/8/2008 4:19:38 AM)
I have a friend who has a submissive/slave... the submissive currently is taking on the role of a service top with another person..I asked this friend doesnt that bother you.. I mean.. your ego.. impact on your service.. etc..etc.. the friend said.. how can I not enjoy watching the person I nutured grow and expand .. it liking watching a plant I watered and fed bloom for the first time.. its just one of the many flowers I will have the joy of ... I thought wow.. and I suppose in a way.. this is a flower for you Aakasha.. here is this person you have helped and supported flowering in one of the areas of his life.. you fed this now enjoy the bloom.. your relationship as expanded and grown ..perhaps ( if I am not taking the metaphor to far ) its time for repotting.. SD

AAkasha -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/8/2008 7:28:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Aakasha, I'm going to tell you something that My husband tells Me on a regular basis. You're spoiled. [sm=rofl.gif] I hope you're going to take that in the nature it was intended. I don't mean it in a bad way. It means that your sub has been focused on you and only you for quite a while and you've become accustomed to it. Those ten hours a week are effecting you because he isn't at your beck and call. Believe Me, over these last six weeks, I've had to get used to it Myself. I do have a question for you though. Is it really so much that things are slipping around the house, meaning in his service to you, or is it more that you don't especially like sharing your sub with his "other boss"? I've been noticing those references that you made and I'm getting the feeling that it might be just as much the loss of his hours at home as you not liking that he has another authority figure. I'm not saying his other boss has the same kind of authority as you, but it is still an authority for those ten hours a week. I could be way off the mark with that, but if I'm not, have you looked at the part that might be some issues you have with sharing your sub with the other boss? As for the question, all of My subs have always had outside employment, so I've never gone from absolute 100% of their time to less. Truthfully, I've always encouraged it. Someone else said in one of their replies that working outside of the home tends to make a person more interesting and fulfilled. I've found that to be My experience. If things really are lacking around the house, or for your personal needs, I would absolutely suggest looking for a service submissive to fill them. Just for the errands or the things that you feel are slipping those ten hours a week. I'm sure you could make a submissive very happy with the pleasure of serving you. Thanks LadyPact...you are absolutely dead on. I don't deny that I am very spoiled, and maybe too spoiled. The level of attention I used to receive was amazing. And yes, I resent on some level that he has another boss; pretty much, the "extra level of service" is what is missing most, which is how proactive he was. Now he just doesn't have the kind of time anymore, and things are done more with a sense of urgency and rush. I think also that's creating a sense of stress around me, and I'm picking up on that. In the past, it used to be that he cleaned, cooked, and operated in the background with such a sense of calm that no matter how intense my workday got, I felt a real sense of calm in the surrounding household. Now he's a bit rushed to get things done, and we're busily connecting on schedules. I do have to say though, for those that have brought up the fact that the growth and stimulation of a job/career for a "stay at home" is so important; keep in mind that when he didn't have a job, he still had volunteer work on a regular basis, and by his nature he's extremely self starting and driven, so boredom or sense of uselessness was never even an issue. He was always learning something, growing, studying, and had volunteer work, which was more at his leisure, to keep him very growth-minded. And he had a great deal of time to invest in hobbies - which is why one grew in a way over time to be something he developed a lot of skill at, and went from having fun to being paid. Others have suggested talking about it. We talk about it daily. I have to laugh when people ask if we talk. I forget that some couples (I guess) don't "talk." We talk an average of 20 minutes - 2 hours in bed each night, usually most nights its about 60 minutes. That's in addition to talking during the day about anything - the night talks are one on one without any distraction. It's an aspect of our relationship that made it so clear he was "the one" for me - I've never met someone I can talk to endlessly. We also are together 24/7 (until now, since he's working part time, soon to be full time) since I work from a home office, so our time together is very consistent, especially since he generally travels with me when I go on business trips. Ultimately, I think one of two things will happen. He'll realize his work is turning into a grind, and he'll want to go back to having it as a hobby. Or, I'll adjust to having him gone, and get an assistant and/or maid, and we'll adjust accordingly. But both of those things will take time to determine. I just hope we sort it out before hockey season starts, because that's a whole new layer of logistics :) Akasha

cloudboy -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/8/2008 11:09:01 AM)
Good for him.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/8/2008 11:42:30 AM)
After reading this thread through, I have to (eeeee!) agree with Cloudboy. Good for him, that he is able to take something that interests him and make money at it. I wish I could do the same! That you would even think of telling your SO that he has to stay home and take care of you....well, IMO the idea is appallingly selfish.

cloudboy -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/8/2008 2:21:27 PM)
I am watching MAD MEN the first season right now. Its a show that paints the 1950s in an exaggerated light, but one thing that's dead on is the claustrophobic, dependent world of homemaking. Women without a care in the world but raising the kids --- live lives unfulfilled in claustrophobic, suburban isolation. In the show, the happiest most interesting women are a divorcee and a single business woman. Staying at home and living in a small world is bad for the soul.

AAkasha -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/8/2008 3:13:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy I am watching MAD MEN the first season right now. Its a show that paints the 1950s in an exaggerated light, but one thing that's dead on is the claustrophobic, dependent world of homemaking. Women without a care in the world but raising the kids --- live lives unfulfilled in claustrophobic, suburban isolation. In the show, the happiest most interesting women are a divorcee and a single business woman. Staying at home and living in a small world is bad for the soul. Not even a close comparison. We don't have kids and never will have kids. We both are at home, my business is run out of an office here, so he isn't home alone all day doing chores. He had (has) freedom to mountain bike three times a week, play hockey four times a week, volunteer at our favorite charity 15 hours a week or more, plus read for more than an hour of day -- all freedoms that stimulate his mind and body - all while taking care of the administrative side of my business and spending a great deal of time cooking. Cooking, for him, is a form of relaxation, experimentation, joy - I really hate anything related to the kitchen, and he adores it. So cooking meals that take hours of preparation - not just for me, but for many people - gives him a great deal of fulfillment His old lifestyle wasn't one he complained about. We did it for 5 years without any trouble after all. We've actually come up with a really excellent tentative plan. He's going to work full time during my slow season, and not work at all during my busy season. He's good enough at what he does that he can go back to it when he's ready, and he still practices it as a hobby anyway. In a few years, if he makes as much as I do (not a bragging thing, I've been in my career much longer because I'm older than he is), then I might even take off from work entirely while he works full time, and we'll split the year in half that way. I can't imagine NOT working, but he thinks it would be good for me to do absolutely nothing (hahah) for awhile. Thanks to all who had great input in this thread - I think sorting through it all helped me come up with a few new angles, and now the solution seems fairly obvious. At least, we'll work toward that - who knows how it may go. He has never had a bad day at his new "job" or dealt with a nasty boss, so he may decide working for me is a lot easier, lol. Akasha

jim64 -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/8/2008 7:43:21 PM)
No disrespect intended, but I agree with LadyPact. I do the majority of all housework, but have always worked fulltime. If I had an opportunity to do something I really enjoyed, I would resent being told I could not. That is not what you are asking though. I think you already know your own answers. It's just that asking others can help sometimes. Let him follow his interests. Find someone to assist you in your daily routine. See how it goes! I think your relationship is strong and this is just a wave in the sea. jim the swimmer

cloudboy -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/8/2008 8:59:06 PM)
Having hobbies isn't the same as having some independent standing and influence in the real world. My post was just a general platitude, not a prescription for your situation.

dominalisa -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/9/2008 4:23:39 PM)
As for me, I've always thought that a live-in male sub should have a job, part-time or full-time. It provides some extra self esteem for him, he gets to meet more people and helps him do his part financially toward the household expenses. Plus it keeps him well-rounded and balanced. Akasha wrote: >"Or, I'll adjust to having him gone, and get an assistant and/or maid, and we'll adjust accordingly." --If that's ever the case, you might be interested in viewing my free site I created called MatchupMaids.com since it's a site where a busy Woman can find a free male maid and vice versa...a male can answer an ad from a busy Woman looking for a submissive male maid. Mistress Lisa

TexasMaam -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/10/2008 11:30:09 AM)
That's a tough one since we're not familiar with your lifestyle, whether it's a low maintenance condo in the city or a ranch full of horses in Arizona....but I'd have to suggest getting a housekeeper and a landscape company to do the gruntwork. That carries risk of exposure but you're better off having your inner sanctum to come home to than to try and pitch hit from the dugout. In your position I'd think you could network for a superb subbie houseboy 'presto!'. Who wouldn't be thrilled to have that opportunity to meet your needs? I'm sure this post will generate many a petition. I used to have the luxury of a housemaid and a yardman, which left me free for the administrative bookeeping and running My own business. I miss those days. Let us know how things progress? TM

pinktoesnow -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/18/2008 8:51:09 AM)
I'm sure it will not be easy but Mistress could have a slave/maid do the work that has fallen behind.This servant could do the house work and assit Mistress with her work.Sounds like a great position.

ShaktiSama -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/18/2008 9:15:38 AM)
Interesting thread. I have no real advice on how anyone else should live their lives, of course, but I can say from personal experience that all the partners in any loving relationship need to have a chance to achieve their highest potential. It's very easy to get too comfortable in a dominant role, and forget that along with receiving love and support, the energy that allows you to"be all you can be", you have an obligation to return it. Almost everyone in this world has a dream that would require time, energy, courage and risk to achieve--and the majority of dreams cannot be achieved without sacrifices from our loved ones, even if they are relatively small sacrifices. I think it's a wonderful thing that your man is able to take back some time and energy from the relationship when he needs it; if you cannot live without a maid and/or personal assistant, perhaps you can find a solution that involves hired help or another service sub...I'm sure there's an answer.

Huntertn -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/18/2008 5:08:14 PM)
sounds to me as if you got it under control and have got a good handle on it..

Pyrrsefanie -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/18/2008 9:39:27 PM)
The best thing I ever learned when I suddenly had to juggle housework, cooking, and a job was how to make bitchin', healthy meals in under 30 minutes. It is possible. I have two books of superfast recipes in my friggin' mind-boggling collection that I have been clinging to like Leonardo DiCaprio to that wreckage at the end of Titanic. One is kind of "meh" as far as the posh-ness of the recipes -- I'm a food snob and it's mostly casseroles and the like which the boy loves, but make me cringe at the thought of the sodium and the cholesterol in them. [:'(] The other one is a collection of recipes my grandmother's been gathering from the Publix grocery store, the Apron Collection or whatever they are. Definitely not just casseroles -- things like salmon with a raspberry glaze, long grain wild rice and herbs, and sauteed asparagus, chicken picatta, et cetera -- and I don't think any of the meals take longer than about 30 minutes to make from start to finish. They even lay out the sequence in which to follow the steps (i.e. do steps 1-3, then while that part's cooking, start on step 4, etc.) to maximize efficiency. I imagine other grocery stores may have similar things, and Hell, a trip to your local Borders or B&N will probably reveal a few cookbooks along this vein. If for nothing else, they're great inspiration when you're freaking out and trying to figure out what to cook and when to fit it into your schedule. I also highly recommend investing in a good crock pot. The 5-qt one is enough to do a whole chicken in, anything smaller than that is probably going to end up being too small. Bonus part to this is you can prepare things ahead of time or chuck them in before work, and by the time you come home, voila, dinner is ready! As for the cleaning, um... I have no words of encouragement on that. For me the only way I'm ever in the mood to clean is if I'm pissed off or upset, and even then realizing I have to clean to maintain a shiny household easily has that effect on me, so I guess it's a vicious cycle. Good God I live in a freaking apartment and maintaining less than 800 square feet of space makes me cry, I could not imagine trying to do a whole house. Oh, and Bath & Body Works makes this eucalyptus spearmint aromatherapy thing for stress relief if it all gets too overwhelming. They've got the massage oils, pillow spray, bath soak, I think hand lotion, body wash, the whole nine yards... at my old job between having to cook clean and work ridiculous hours on projects that our firm wasn't equipped to handle I swear they must have thought I was a cocaine addict the way I'd be sniffing the bottle the entire day. It works miracles. And at the end of the day, be thankful that you have a spouse who'd even be so thoughtful and sweet as to do the house-stuff in the first place. I'm still trying to convince mine that there are more meals in the world than sandwiches and that moving an extra two inches to put dirty plates in the dishwasher will not in fact kill him. [8\|]

ElanSubdued -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/19/2008 10:49:20 AM)
Pyrrsefanie, quote: The other one is a collection of recipes my grandmother's been gathering from the Publix grocery store, the Apron Collection or whatever they are. Definitely not just casseroles -- things like salmon with a raspberry glaze, long grain wild rice and herbs, and sauteed asparagus, chicken picatta, et cetera -- and I don't think any of the meals take longer than about 30 minutes to make from start to finish. They even lay out the sequence in which to follow the steps (i.e. do steps 1-3, then while that part's cooking, start on step 4, etc.) to maximize efficiency. I'm getting hungry just reading this! Being a bit of a kitchen whore myself (i.e. I love to cook), I'd love to see a few of these recipes. In the meantime, I think we all should come over to your house for dinner! Yum! quote: I'm still trying to convince mine that there are more meals in the world than sandwiches and that moving an extra two inches to put dirty plates in the dishwasher will not in fact kill him. [8\|] Put the PlayStation 3 in the dishwasher. Both the boy and the dishes will be in there in no time. Elan.

Pyrrsefanie -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/19/2008 10:53:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued I'm getting hungry just reading this! Being a bit of a kitchen whore myself (i.e. I love to cook), I'd love to see a few of these recipes. In the meantime, I think we all should come over to your house for dinner! Yum! ---- Put the PlayStation 3 in the dishwasher. Both the boy and the dishes will be in there in no time. The title of one of the books is called Fast Fixes with Mixes, and it's published by the people who run Taste of Home magazine. If you like more home-cookin' style recipes, it's definitely the one for you. As for some of the others... hmmm, maybe I should start another recipe thread in Off-Topic with a few of my favorites! I wish we had a PS3, but he's being a stinky poo-face and is all like "NOOOO 360 IS SUPERIOR" so I'm trying to use the new Metal Gear Solid game as leverage, since it's PS3 only.

ElanSubdued -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/19/2008 11:21:35 AM)
Pyrrsefanie, quote: The title of one of the books is called Fast Fixes with Mixes, and it's published by the people who run Taste of Home magazine. If you like more home-cookin' style recipes, it's definitely the one for you. Thank you! quote: As for some of the others... hmmm, maybe I should start another recipe thread in Off-Topic with a few of my favorites! This idea rocks! If you ever decide to do this, let us know. I'll add some of my own, favourite recipes from my queue cards too. quote: I wish we had a PS3, but he's being a stinky poo-face and is all like "NOOOO 360 IS SUPERIOR" so I'm trying to use the new Metal Gear Solid game as leverage, since it's PS3 only. (begin: geek mode) As far as technology architecture is concerned, I'd say the 360 and PS3 are equally powerful in different ways. For example, the 360 has a multi-threaded processor with three, general purpose, cores. Likewise, the 360 has a unified memory architecture (which is both a blessing and a curse). Contrast this to the PS3 which features a processor with 1 general purpose core and 8 specialized multi-threaded cores, along with dedicated memory for each of it's various subsystems and a slightly more advanced video processor. Neither, to me, is a clear winner technology-wise. This isn't like the last generation where the original Xbox clearly had hardware that was superior to all the other consoles. Developers must make different decisions and tradeoffs on each machine (360 and PS3) so as to fully take advantage of the unique architectures. The irony is that on cross-platform games or games that may become cross-platform in future (the new Metal Gear Solid, for example), it's wise to use only the hardware aspects that are common to both machines. Thus, as is the case with many, current generation games, these games only use hardware features that are common to both the 360 and PS3 (and, to some degree, common to personal computers too). Now, as to games... this is where the distinction between the systems actually lays. If you like shoot'em up, American-styled games, the 360 is a more obvious choice. However, if you want more variety and access to non-American games (especially to Japanese games), the PS3 is the obvious choice. Like you, I'd love to play the next Metal Gear. More than anything though, what will cause me to buy a PS3 is the next Final Fantasy title which is likely to be exclusive to PS3. Is there no way you can convince the "stinky poo-face" that a happy domina is to his benefit? :-) Edited to add: PS3 has the six-axis controllers and more wireless controller ports. This is one benefit to the PS3 over the 360. You might be able to hold this over your boy. Unfortunately, the PS3 controllers no longer vibrate - not such a disadvantage for games, but a big shame for other multi-purpose uses. (/end: geek mode) Elan.

pinktoesnow -> RE: What do you do when your "male wife" gets a job? (8/19/2008 1:31:16 PM)
May I suggest that Mistress obtain a slave/maid to do the work and ease the tension in the home and office.The slave should cook,clean,do laundry and iron.The servant could run errands and do the shopping for the Mistress and the home.Serving a Mistress like you,and pleasing her would relieve the pressure in the home,and help Mistress find the balance she is looking for.

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