leadership527
Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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Congratulations Grey. I'm glad for you that you've found someone who clicks with you.
The good news for you is that this isn't really a problem at all, it only seems like one. Let's take a look at the parameters of the problem...
a) You don't know enough to be good at everything yet.
See, here's the good news. I don't either. Neitehr does leatherist, focus, or [insert experienced name here]. And all those people, experienced as they are, would still be starting from close to square zero with YOUR sub. This should be a special and wonderful time for you where the two of you openly communicate your wants and needs. You two should be talking about your hopes and fears -- including your fear of your own ignorance. You two should be helping each other over the inevitable mishaps and mistakes. This is where you should be learning TOGETHER and helping each other past the hurdles and mistakes TOGETHER. Last time I checked, togetherness was really good for relationships.
One time, I made a mistake with mine and I was crushed. I was morose and thinking about maybe putting a stop to the whole M/s thing. She came to me and knelt in front of me asking what was wrong. I spilled out my fears and worries and insecurities ending it with, "...I just don't know how I can pickup my end of the leash now." There it is, right? Your very fear materialized. My own ignorance and weakness exposed in front of my slave who surely would then begin to doubt my ability to control her, no? She looked up at me in deep thought for a moment, got up, came back again with the leash in hand. Then she knelt, clipped the leash to her collar and said, "It's not really all that hard. See? You just hold it like this." as she gently put the leash into my hand.
Now let me expand this a minute. I've been in various kinds of leadership positions since I was about 24. In all that time, I have never, ever, felt compelled to put up that "I know everything and I'm infallible" exterior that some other leaders seem to favor. Oddly, not once, in all that time, has anyone ever referred to me as either weak or incompetent. I've spent 20 years openly admitting my failures, shortcomings, pesonality defects, and god knows what to my subordinates and bosses both and nobody has ever felt that that made me less of a leader. Here's the dirty little secret. See, your sub already knows that you are not perfect... she's human also. She has deep and intimate personal knowledge with the fallability of humans. Now, if you as the leader start trying to project an aura of infallability, guess what? Your sub suddenly knows, for an absolute, 100% incontrovertible fact that you are a liar. How's that for a trust killer for you? Many people are confused about this and they think they want a leader who lies to them like that. They are wrong though and over time, the sense of mistrust grows, typically expressed in ways such as, "I don't know, I just don't trust him." or "He's such an arrogant bastard" or "Why won't he ever listen to me?" or....
If you're worried about her trust... I'd strongly suggest starting with a foundation of truthfulness which is a great way to build trust *laughs* If this girl is so confused and lost in fantasy that she does not want a human dom, then good for you for finding that out right now before disaster happens. Send her packing on her merry way to find her fantasy man somewhere else. You NEED to be able to trust your sub (see my story above for an example why) and nobody who is lost in fantasy land is trust-worthy with reality.
b) You're feeling rushed to learn quickly
OK, you didn't say it, but I know you gotta be feeling it. The thing to ask yourself is "Where's the fire?" Look, I collared my wife with me at 44, her at 52, and us at the 11 year mark in our marriage. I have a lot more reason to be rushed than you seeing as, by your lights, I'm virtually dead already *laughs*. I take a different approach. My theory is that I've got another 40 good years with my wife give or take. That's PLENTY of time to accomplish anything. So I am going very very slowly for two very important reasons. The first and least important is that I'd like to take the time to smell the roses. As I indicated above, this is a beautiful time and I'd like to experience it fully rather than rush through it. Secondly, and much more importantly, I have a lot riding on this. For me, at least, I'm gambling with an 11 year marriage. So I'm going SLOOOOOOOW. I'm building my foundation one brick at a time. And each brick is carefully and lovingly molded, fired, and inspected by me to ensure that it is exactly the right brick.
Really. Honestly. There is no rush. Start with the things you DO know how to do insofar as kink activities. Insofar as extending control, I was married to my wife for 11 years with all the trust, communication, and respect that you'd expect to be built in an 11 year long [good] relationship. But still, it is maybe just recently where her obedience is really getting to be unquestioned. I've been fine with that to. If I attempt to take control, I risk everything by her resenting it. If I let her give me control, but she goes too quickly, then god knows what sorts of mistakes will happen but I see no reason to suffer them. So I let her give me control, but no faster than I'm willing to accept it and that acceptance has come very very slowly as I was convinced that the two of us and the relationship were ready for the next step.
Have fun exploring with your new partner.
~Jeff
_____________________________
~Jeff
I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael
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RE: GAAAAKK!! what the hell... - 
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