Femdom vulnerability

Femdom vulnerability (Full Version)

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AAkasha -> Femdom vulnerability (8/8/2008 11:21:28 PM)
Femdom vulnerability -- I'm not talking about a dominant woman who lets her guard down in a relationship, or cries in front of her submissive, or admits she is scared, or has moments of insecurity. I'm talking about actual femdom vulnerability right in the MIDDLE of intense power exchange (some people call it "during play" or "during a scene") - he is tied up, he is helpless, he is totally vulnerable - and the power exchange is such that he makes HER feel incredibly vulnerable despite his predicament. Paradox? Impossible? How does a femdom feel "vulnerable" when she's topping a man very capably? For one, it doesn't happen often. At least not in my personal experience. But there have been times it has happened and it's very intense, very scary, very exciting - and, to some submissives (I fear) - very UNDOMLY. But how does this actually HAPPEN? For me, it happens when a submissive is so in my head that he is making me feel overpowering emotions as a result of his reactions - and, most specifically, he's keenly aware of those dark places in my head that I might not be able to admit myself. And he either pushes me there, or makes me own up to it. It's a very sort of commanding place for a bottom to be - and a lot of the times if I have a sub (bottom) that tries to manipulate me in that way, I just shut him down or don't let it go that way. But if I do, it can be incredibly passionate, surreal. Clearly this is different from "pushing a femdoms buttons to turn her on" - that's all part of the standard operating procedure and being turned on doesn't make me feel vulnerable. It's when he is connecting with a much more emotional, more animal part of me, the sadist part of me, in a very kind of "in your face" - self sacrificing - brave - but fearful way. Sometimes it comes together in a sort of "it's ok, you can hurt me, I can take it" moment (most people know what I'm talking about here), but it's more intense than that, it's "come on, I know you need to hurt me more than that, I can take it, I trust you, but I'm scared. Just do it." The very odd thing about this incredibly intense moment is that I can't go there unless I am with a bottom that I feel can really take care of me, because it's a very vulnerable place to be. And when a submissive/bottom is in a position of total helplsesness, exhaustion, fear, pain, surrender - it's an incredible burden to also be a protector. So I have to get a sense from him that's not only capable of handling what he knows I need, but he's also capable of handling taking care of me if I am feeling really shook up about what ends up happening. In my entire life, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've gotten to this point - all incredible - all intense. Do I want to go there again? Absolutely. But I can't make it happen, it just does. The right combination of a lot of things. I guess the question I have for femdoms is this -- does this idea/desire resonate with you - a place so intense that you indeed feel totally vulnerable at the moment of being most in control (at the same time). And for submissives - have you recognized this "place" with your partner, and do you go there? And have you ever been in that caretaker role as a result - and does the clash of dominance and vulnerability - almost at the same time - mess with your submissive mindframe? Akasha

BiteGirl -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/9/2008 12:26:32 AM)
I've been in similar spots before and I loved it, although I have never been in any place so intence. I hope to be some day though, of course.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/9/2008 9:10:06 AM)
The first time this happened with me, it was with someone I was bottoming, while I got my feet wet with fireplay. Her Master was helping me with my sweeping technique, and he asked her if I could flash-burn a small area -- a high-intensity burn in a small area that almost -always- leaves a lasting 'feel' and redness, like a small, concentrated sunburn. She agreed, and I set up the flash-burn on her thigh. The control was incredible -- but at that point, watching the flame and her face in alternating "frames" to gauge her reaction and to control the burn, I realized that she saw the truly sadistic place in me, and it completely humbled me for just a moment -- it was at that point that I finally faced the realization that I -loved- inflicting pain and drawing blood and that it wasn't just something I allowed to be done to me -- I loved the intensity just as much when I was doing it as when I was getting tats or piercings. Yes -- that is a really intense place. Knee-weakening, even. I regained control quickly -- as soon as I saw the 'dark place' she was seeing, accepted it fully in myself, and realized that it was something she actually -liked- about me... not some evil demon I was going to have to figure out how to suppress or vanquish. And she saw when I -got it-, too... you could almost see the flash of "oh shit, what have I awakened" and then that "wow... this rocks" in her eyes! What a mind-blowing experience. If anything, though, it made me -more- the dominant -- it opened up entire new realms of domination for me... and I believe that is finally when I "got my sea legs" as a domina, after coming up through submission to earn my crop and having reached that point where I had yielded to the point where I fully accepted that I might not ever earn my crop.... it was a little tough making the transition after sliding so far down into yielding, and being on my honor to abide by the promises I made to enter there. Hope this is what you're looking for and I didn't stray too far off the OP. Firestorm

MISTRESSKUMA -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/9/2008 11:45:32 AM)
are you against female dominance outside of being a servicing top for a male bottom? the overall tone in all your post seems to subvert the authenticity in female domination and male submission.

AAkasha -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/9/2008 11:59:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MISTRESSKUMA are you against female dominance outside of being a servicing top for a male bottom? the overall tone in all your post seems to subvert the authenticity in female domination and male submission. Not at all. The situation I describe is a rare one. Like I said, I can count on one hand how many times it's happened in the 20+ years I've been dominating men (or topping them). However, I can't deny there is something incredibly attractive about it - but it's only organic, and can only occur when a lot of things are in the right place at the right time. Is a femdom not authentic if she's vulnerable while topping or dominating? If so, why is that? What if she willingly goes to that place? I like situations that challenge me emotionaly (in bdsm) and push me to be more of a sadist; that said, getting to a deeply scary place and in touch with very dark parts can be emotionally intense. Akasha

ElanSubdued -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/9/2008 3:09:27 PM)
Akasha, quote: The very odd thing about this incredibly intense moment is that I can't go there unless I am with a bottom that I feel can really take care of me, because it's a very vulnerable place to be. And when a submissive/bottom is in a position of total helplessness, exhaustion, fear, pain, surrender - it's an incredible burden to also be a protector. So I have to get a sense from him that's not only capable of handling what he knows I need, but he's also capable of handling taking care of me if I am feeling really shook up about what ends up happening. In my entire life, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've gotten to this point - all incredible - all intense. Do I want to go there again? Absolutely. But I can't make it happen, it just does. The right combination of a lot of things. I just can't imagine communicating intimately with a domina where this isn't the case. I have always considered myself my partner's protector (and I don't mean this in a macho, redneck kind of way). Likewise, I've always found I can't really submit to someone who doesn't show this kind of vulnerability. This is a level of mutual intimacy, communication, and love that transcends BDSM protocols and roles. For most of my life, I have not separated intimacy from BDSM play and BDSM communication. To a large degree, this is still the case. The vulnerability of which you speak, for me, is a foundation for any relationship I would want to have. It permeates BDSM for sure, but it also permeates vanilla interactions with my domina too. I find it very hard to have an intimate relationship with someone if they are unable to be vulnerable in front of me. This doesn't mean I want some kind of forced vulnerability. However, even when in a position of complete influence, authority, and control, I have yet to meet a domina who doesn't have concerns and fears, feelings of uncertainty or fragility from time-to-time, and an appreciation when her submissive looks after her emotional and physical needs. quote: I guess the question I have for femdoms is this -- does this idea/desire resonate with you - a place so intense that you indeed feel totally vulnerable at the moment of being most in control (at the same time). And for submissives - have you recognized this "place" with your partner, and do you go there? And have you ever been in that caretaker role as a result - and does the clash of dominance and vulnerability - almost at the same time - mess with your submissive mindframe? Have I recognized this "place" with dominant partners? Absolutely. Have I ever been in a caretaker role as a result? Honestly, I don't ever consider that I'm not in a loving, caretaking role with my partner. I just don't buy into monophonic, static, dogmatic roles. Does the clash of dominance and vulnerability (almost at the same time) mess with my submissive mindframe? Hell no. This is some of the most dominant, human, and trusting behaviour. A domina who is able to be this honest and open with me inspires my submission in many, many ways. Elan.

MamaDomme1 -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/9/2008 3:26:12 PM)
Wonderful question AAkasha! I've had two partners in which this has happened with me. The first time was in 1980. I was with that partner for 6 years and it was a very deep and loving relationship. When that moment hit me, I was scared. Truly scared as to the extent of what I was doing and enjoying. It did occur a few other times with that partner, when I would allow myself to drift there. I knew we were both safe and it would be ok. I also had a partner in 1992-94 in which we also had a very deep relationship and things reached that point again. There was tremndous trust between the both of us and so I allowed it again a few times. Other than that, no, I haven't. For me, I feel that I really need to be in a very trusting relationship with my partner to allow myself to actually drop my barriers to have that vulnerability surface.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/9/2008 3:32:16 PM)
I have had this kind of thing happen, but I never saw it as "vulnerability", I saw it as opening into a new kind of power, and a dropping of the veil, if you will. That sounds overblown, but it's the best description my memory can come up with. I suppose exaltation can lead to vulnerability, but I found the synergy enhancing. It's rare to have that kind of trust and connection with a playmate or partner, and it doesn't happen often.

MamaDomme1 -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/9/2008 3:34:08 PM)
Lady H-- "dropping the veil" is a perfect description of what it felt like for me!

thetammyjo -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/10/2008 10:00:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I have had this kind of thing happen, but I never saw it as "vulnerability", I saw it as opening into a new kind of power, and a dropping of the veil, if you will. That sounds overblown, but it's the best description my memory can come up with. I suppose exaltation can lead to vulnerability, but I found the synergy enhancing. It's rare to have that kind of trust and connection with a playmate or partner, and it doesn't happen often. This makes more sense to me. In the middle of a scene, I've never felt vulnerable, to me that would be coupled with fear or worry that something negative will happen to me, and that just doesn't happen in a scene because I'm very careful about what I do and who I do it with. That sort of feeling might happened down the road as I feel more dominant and the darker parts of myself start to come out -- what if he/she rejects that darker idea or aspect and then rejects me? In the middle of scene I might instead feel an intense feeling of pride in my sub or bottom and be driven to hug then or cry but that's not me being vulnerable but being proud.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/10/2008 10:06:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo <snippage> <bolding mine> That sort of feeling might happened down the road as I feel more dominant and the darker parts of myself start to come out -- what if he/she rejects that darker idea or aspect and then rejects me? In the middle of scene I might instead feel an intense feeling of pride in my sub or bottom and be driven to hug then or cry but that's not me being vulnerable but being proud. Exactly.

Madame4a -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/10/2008 10:57:56 AM)
I'm not sure I've experienced what you describe. I have had some amazing rushes -- really amazing rushes of both emotion and power, sometimes at the same time. They happen rarely and only with a play partner or partner of some type that I really connect with. In fact, I know its only happened with one person.. . it was wonderful, but I'm not sure its what you describe as I don't think I ever felt vulnerable. I miss that feeling though... it was very passionate... and intense

TexasMaam -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/10/2008 10:58:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MISTRESSKUMA are you against female dominance outside of being a servicing top for a male bottom? the overall tone in all your post seems to subvert the authenticity in female domination and male submission. lolololol....sorry, that triggered My funnybone. You must not know Aakasha very well, do you? TM

TexasMaam -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/10/2008 11:09:23 AM)
I've experienced this phenomenon, aptly labled 'Femdom vulnerability' (bravo, that!), only twice in My life. I believe the experience was triggered by a deep wave of love and emotion at the height of a scene (session in My vocabulary), on both occasions. I thought about it for weeks and months afterwards, and upon examination decided it was prompted by a deep rooted fear of rejection that was tied directly to the deep emotional and spiritual love I felt for the submissive. I think it is an instinctive self preservation 'reality check' that triggers the psyche to tell us 'watch out! you're getting in waaaay too deep here!' that is usually the result of previous relationships gone awry. I know that the depth of any truly inspiring session results in an ever deepening connection to the submissive on My part, and after pondering and wrestling with the dichotomy I decided that is what triggered it. I'm no analyst, though, so My introspective groping through the catacombs of My own mind and heart may be less than thesis material. Another Great post, I always love your insights, Aakasha. TexasMaam

ElanSubdued -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/10/2008 3:47:07 PM)
quote: thetammyjo: That sort of feeling might happened down the road as I feel more dominant and the darker parts of myself start to come out -- what if he/she rejects that darker idea or aspect and then rejects me? In the middle of scene I might instead feel an intense feeling of pride in my sub or bottom and be driven to hug then or cry but that's not me being vulnerable but being proud. LadyHibiscus: Exactly. From this boy's perspective, you're camouflaging the connection and intimacy in sharing a domina's tears. :-) Can't a domina cry or react emotionally without having to defend this and/or put a label on it? People react. Therefore I see no reason why a domina would be any different. Elan.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/10/2008 9:11:05 PM)
<boy! snort> Okay, it could be that I am totally missing the point, I am way good at that.

thetammyjo -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/11/2008 8:59:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued quote: thetammyjo: That sort of feeling might happened down the road as I feel more dominant and the darker parts of myself start to come out -- what if he/she rejects that darker idea or aspect and then rejects me? In the middle of scene I might instead feel an intense feeling of pride in my sub or bottom and be driven to hug then or cry but that's not me being vulnerable but being proud. LadyHibiscus: Exactly. From this boy's perspective, you're camouflaging the connection and intimacy in sharing a domina's tears. :-) Can't a domina cry or react emotionally without having to defend this and/or put a label on it? People react. Therefore I see no reason why a domina would be any different. Elan. I'm very confused by your reply to my post. Where do I say this is about anyone other than me? This was a post about me and me alone, not some imaginary sub with me. When you cry for different reasons they are different reason. Feeling pride is not feeling vulnerable at least not for me. No where in my post do I see any of this so-called "camouflage"... where it is again?

AAkasha -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/11/2008 9:16:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TexasMaam I've experienced this phenomenon, aptly labled 'Femdom vulnerability' (bravo, that!), only twice in My life. I believe the experience was triggered by a deep wave of love and emotion at the height of a scene (session in My vocabulary), on both occasions. I thought about it for weeks and months afterwards, and upon examination decided it was prompted by a deep rooted fear of rejection that was tied directly to the deep emotional and spiritual love I felt for the submissive. I think it is an instinctive self preservation 'reality check' that triggers the psyche to tell us 'watch out! you're getting in waaaay too deep here!' that is usually the result of previous relationships gone awry. I know that the depth of any truly inspiring session results in an ever deepening connection to the submissive on My part, and after pondering and wrestling with the dichotomy I decided that is what triggered it. I'm no analyst, though, so My introspective groping through the catacombs of My own mind and heart may be less than thesis material. Another Great post, I always love your insights, Aakasha. TexasMaam I have had to think about this a lot and really reflect to the few times this has happened to me. I really can't be 100% sure where it does come from and how I get there, I can only guess. You said a few things though that seemed to click with me. Fear of rejection, of losing him? Of pushing him too far, of pushing myself too far? There are times when I'm dominating a man where I am almost playing a role that is not me; I don't "roleplay" often unless it's super campy and very predictable (ie, 'pretend you're a virgin!' or 'pretend I just kidnapped you, be a very cocky businessman..') -- but when I get really, really, REALLY into being ME as a femdom, I start to go to a different place and can be very free with my cruelty. I don't do this all the time - and I only take it to a certain level. But if I am really getting into it and there's a great flow and I'm becoming more and more comfortable with how "cruel" I am (and I mean that in a very honest, consensual way - of course, I'm always ethical), I get closer to a capability that is very different from who I am. The capacity to be that mean to someone I care about (forget the fact that he wants it and is there by his own free will, and in many cases, is loving it even more than I am), can be very intense and downright scary. I think it's sort of that moment, when "real me" (compassionate, sweet, affectionate, full of empathy) comes back to the surface and sees what "sadist me" is capable of doing. I guess that's where the other thing I have talked about in threads here ("the good feeling of guilt - not the bad feeling") comes into play. I also think back to when I've had a partner who knows the kinds of things to say to me that really get me to this place, and I realize, he's saying to me what my inner conscience says to me - but at just the right time. "You're really hurting me, but you need to do this," or "I never thought you were capable of this" (but not in a bad, accusing way). I'm not quite sure - it will take more thought. I think it's also a matter of timing - it's an 'intensity of the moment' situation, when I really am probably being as absolutely cruel as I possibly can be, really at a moment of "femdom orgasm" (emotionally) when it all comes together. I'm glad to know I am not the only woman that has had this though. It's crazy-intense-wild-amazing-emotional bliss - and yeah, afterward, I'm emotional on a level that's quite intense. Which is odd, because 5 minutes prior, I was probably as cruel as I had ever been. Akasha

ElanSubdued -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/12/2008 1:40:22 PM)
thetammyjo, quote: I'm very confused by your reply to my post. Where do I say this is about anyone other than me? This was a post about me and me alone, not some imaginary sub with me. When you cry for different reasons they are different reason. Feeling pride is not feeling vulnerable at least not for me. No where in my post do I see any of this so-called "camouflage"... where it is again? My post wasn't actually a direct reply to you or to LadyHibiscus. Reading it again though, I used the phrase "you're camouflaging the connection and intimacy..." so I can see why my thoughts came across as a direct reply and perhaps as criticism. Sorry about that. It is more the case that your thoughts, LadyHibiscus' thoughts, and a few others who posted prompted me to ask "why does a domina need to justify her human reactions"? I'll admit, an aspect of the thread triggered me somewhat because the notion that a dominant shouldn't show vulnerability reinforces what I feel is an unhealthy, unrealistic, fantasy stereotype. About your response. In the situation you described, you felt pride. Other dominas in the same situation might have different responses. I see nothing wrong with these varying responses. We all go through varying degrees of holding onto and letting go of control on a day-to-day basis. I don't think this impacts the broader agreement between domina and submissive vis-a-vis who has authority and control in their relationship. Mind you, having said this, I'll make an exception. I've had dominant partners who, for varying reasons, were very much not in control of themselves and therefore it was difficult for them to be in control of me. Indeed, as the submissive, I ended up more in a dominant role out of necessity. Case in point, if the captain you've sworn allegiance to is inebriated and the ship is sinking, are you going to let the ship sink? Are you going to let yourself and the captain go down with the ship? For me, the answer is "no". Now it may well turn out that once I've rescued the captain and the ship, I won't "crew" with her again, but, none-the-less, if the captain isn't steering and the necessity to steer (out of preservation for both the captain and myself) arises, I'll steer. Call this a protection instinct, if you will. :-) Getting back to the Akasha's questions to submissives, which are (paraphrased): 1.) Have you recognized vulnerable places and mindsets in your domina? 2.) Do you go to places with your domina that cause her to feel vulnerable? 3.) Have you ever been in a caretaker role as a result going to places that cause your domina to feel vulnerable? 4.) Does this simultaneous experience of dominance and vulnerability from your partner mess with your submissive mindframe? My answers to the first three questions are all "yes". With regard to the fourth question, my answer is "no". In fact, I'd have to say my submissive mindframe is more negatively impacted by a domina who doesn't show and/or communicate her feelings, regardless of whether these are of vulnerability or not. Elan.

MzticStormz -> RE: Femdom vulnerability (8/16/2008 2:32:26 PM)
I am not sure I see this as a "vulnerability" so to speak but perhaps more of a moment of realization that I can be as cruel as I wish and this man is willing to take it for me. This is a very emotion filled deep understanding between two people that is rare but when it happens it is .. well, I have no words that aptly describes the depth. The fear I have at that time is "am I going to break this man?" and being as I generally play under the personal rule of "I don't break my toys so that I can play with them again another day" rule then perhaps this is the "vulnerable" place being as at that time I have to be more sure of what I am doing than at any other - lighter play times.

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