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When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 3:35:48 PM

curiousPAlady

Posts: 8
Joined: 4/20/2008
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I dont know where to ask this, so I hope here is ok. I have read posts about what Doms do when the sub lies, disobeys, does something wrong, etc. She would be somehow "dealt" with, or released.

But I havent read a post about what a sub does when her Dom lies to her, or cheats on her, or breaks his promise or commitment to her. She can leave the relationship of course. But if he wants her as his sub, but wont acknowledge what he has done, what should she do? What are some options for the sub, to try to save the relationship? How can she ever trust him again?

I know the power dynamic is different, and its not him being "disobedient". But how do Doms "fix" things if they are the ones who lie, cheat, break promises, etc.? What is the equivalent response when its the Dom who has done "wrong"? How can the relationship be repaired when its the Dom who is at fault?

Post #: 1

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 3:41:57 PM

masterforRT

Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline

One bad thing about online relationships is that lots of people lie.

One great thing about online relatioinships is that every computer has an off switch.

Use it if you are lied to...

< Message edited by masterforRT -- 8/9/2008 3:42:34 PM >

(in reply to curiousPAlady)

Post #: 2

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 3:43:45 PM

zhouwuatsien

Posts: 60
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline

Patience is key... As a Slave you do have rights as a Human... But this is still the person that you submit to. You really shouldn't pursue the truth out of him unless you just stop trusting him altogether. If you stop trusting him altogether then it really doesn't matter if he did anything wrong or not... The relationship is already black.

Submissives don't punish Masters. The thing is, although I'm not sure if most people will understand the subtlety or irony to this. But a Master breaking a promise to a slave is it's own punishment.

Because when you do something like that, you carve and mold your slave in a certain way. Everything a Master or even a boyfriend does... Even a father or any kind of relationship does... Carves and molds the person that is submissive. Children to Parents. Sweet Girlfriends to Asshole Boyfriends. Slaves to Masters.

No matter what you do, him breaking his promises towards you will create an effect that is beyond both of your control. The punishment is already there.

< Message edited by zhouwuatsien -- 8/9/2008 3:44:11 PM >

(in reply to curiousPAlady)

Post #: 3

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 3:48:42 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
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How do Doms fix things? Just like someone in a vanilla relationship - apologizing, communicating, with both parties deciding whether this relationship can survive or whether it would be best if they went their separate ways. The Dom would have to earn trust back if his actions led to his submissive distrusting him. Just because a person is a Dominant it doesn't mean he/she is above reproach or apologies.

(in reply to curiousPAlady)

Post #: 4

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 3:51:03 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

no different than 'nilla stuff.. the dom needs to jump through whatever hoops the submissive requires to regain trust....assuming of course, that the dom WANTS to regain the trust, or that the sub is WILLING to trust again.

just sayin

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Post #: 5

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 3:56:47 PM

UR2Badored

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Joined: 2/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousPAlady

She can leave the relationship of course. But if he wants her as his sub, but wont acknowledge what he has done, what should she do? What are some options for the sub, to try to save the relationship? How can she ever trust him again?

The only thing you can do is communicate this with him. If you feel he will not acknowledge what he has done (lies) or you are uncomfortable communicating your concerns without feeling bullied, that may be all you need to know to move on. Good luck :o)

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/9/2008 4:16:07 PM >

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(in reply to curiousPAlady)

Post #: 6

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 3:57:27 PM

MasterAramis

Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

Oh my, this is right up my ally. While I am new to Collarme.com, I have been a lifestyle Master for over 20 years and am a property owner. I am a huge advocate of a Master's honor code. I am sure I will get flamed for this but that's okay. Just because one calls himself a Master does not give him the liberty to cheat on his Wife, his family or his property.

Honesty and integrity is the key. I despise those that cheat on their families because their wife does not put out in the manner he would like. Tell her what you are doing or leave her or better yet stay home and take care of them.

As for cheating on slaves. My property knows that I will fuck what I want when I want. (I am laughing as it sounds like I have a new wench every day or week, but I don't, it's the fact that I have the option to if I choose it!) If she is present or not. While I care for my property very much, she is my slave and this is how our relationship is set up. The point I am trying to make is that she knows it. It's open, it's out there.

If a slave has no such arrangement with her owner and he violates this, then he has given her up by the very fact he has not provided for her well being.

In closing, it may sound harsh, but Masters and those that call themselves must be honorable above all else.
Sincerely,

Aramis Duval

< Message edited by MasterAramis -- 8/9/2008 4:09:10 PM >

(in reply to curiousPAlady)

Post #: 7

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 4:04:51 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Aramis.. because she has agreed to this before hand, IMO, it cant be called 'cheating, lying" etc..

but kudos to you .. you seem to have well defined rules/guidelines.. I wish some of the so-called masters that post here were so consistent in their views ;)

eta: I do disagree with your last statement.. I don't think that anyone who is TRUE TO THEMSELVES and OTHERS is above being honorable...

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 8/9/2008 4:06:16 PM >

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Post #: 8

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 4:10:45 PM

MasterAramis

Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

eta: I do disagree with your last statement.. I don't think that anyone who is TRUE TO THEMSELVES and OTHERS is above being honorable...

GreedyTop,

You are quite right! Correction made! Thank you!

Aramis Duval

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 9

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 4:19:50 PM

BumbleBee2MsP

Posts: 37
Joined: 1/7/2006
Status: offline

Dommes are human, and as human They to can forget things. even things that are important to There sub or slave. i try to keep a fram of mind that my Mistress works hard and it is naturale to forget something.

But a relationship between a Domme and slave is one of trust. A Domme needs to trust that the slave will be obedient and respectfull and do the things that make their life easier. A slave enteres a relationship learning to trust their Domme for guidence and direction as well as their very personal needs to serve. Some times it is just curiosity and sometimes it is total junkie addiction. So the slave has to trust that the Domme will satisfy their curiosity or give their addiction the needed "fix" None of these things can happen without trust.

i think that you might need to ask for a sit down disussion on what can be done to build or re-build the trust between the two of you.

(in reply to zhouwuatsien)

Post #: 10

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 4:36:49 PM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

The D should lead by example. If they lie, cheat and are unreliable, then that sets the tone for the relationship. No?

C-D

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(in reply to BumbleBee2MsP)

Post #: 11

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 4:57:25 PM

DomDolf

Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline

I am kind of a hard nose about this and agree with C-D. If they are willing to lie then not own up to their mistake on top of that then they cannot possibly be trusted to do the right thing. They may swear that they will and even mean it, but if they cannot OWN their mistakes they cannot be good leaders. Dominants make mistakes, they recognize them and take them seriously.

Dolf

(in reply to CruelDesires)

Post #: 12

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 5:02:20 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousPAlady
But I havent read a post about what a sub does when her Dom lies to her, or cheats on her, or breaks his promise or commitment to her

Master doesn't lie to me because He doesn't have to. He's free to do as He pleases. Why would He need to sneak or lie? Just not necessary. Neither does He "cheat." It was understood from day one that if He wants to be involved in any way with another woman, He will do so without needing to ask my permission. There won't be any pouting, backlash or negativity from me in anyway due to His choices in that area. Break promises or commitments? Nah. He's kept every one He's ever made and just recently we made a commitment to be husband and wife as well. He's not guilty of any of the above. But......if He ever were to be........here's my thoughts on the subject..........

quote:

But if he wants her as his sub, but wont acknowledge what he has done, what should she do? What are some options for the sub, to try to save the relationship? How can she ever trust him again?

For me, He'd HAVE TO acknowledge "what he has done," whatever that may be. If He didn't, how could we discuss it and work past it? He'd still be lying and that totally inhibits the kind of communication that would need to happen. The only option I would feel I had was get across to Him that He had no need to lie ('cause obviously He's forgotten that fact) and encourage Him to spill His guts so that we could work past His dishonesty. Whatever He did is probably not going to make me have any urge to end the relationship, to be honest. I'd be very intrigued as to why He EVER thought He'd need to hide something from me. He can do whatever He wants. Why would He have lied?

quote:

I know the power dynamic is different, and its not him being "disobedient". But how do Doms "fix" things if they are the ones who lie, cheat, break promises, etc.?

No, it would be Him being "dishonest" and that's every bit as negative. Again, see above. He'd have to finally be totally honest and start the work from there. I really don't feel I would be as upset or angry as I would be totally puzzled as to why in the world He'd felt He needed to hide or lie. He's just not that type of man and I'm certainly not the type He'd NEED to hide anything from................luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 8/9/2008 5:04:18 PM >

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RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 5:24:00 PM

compassionatedad

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

The Dom would have to earn trust back if his actions led to his submissive distrusting him.

I am a firm believer that a Master should gain the trust of the slave just as much as the slave should gain the trust of the Master. In the situation above, the Master has lost the slave's trust. Tim

(in reply to NeedingMore220)

Post #: 14

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 6:40:10 PM

GreyGore

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

But if he wants her as his sub, but wont acknowledge what he has done, what should she do? What are some options for the sub, to try to save the relationship?

The way I see it, she has two options: attempt to communicate her need to have this acknowledged and possibly corrected, or leave the relationship. I can't imagine anyone staying in a relationship where their partner has lied, cheated or broken a serious promise and that offense hasn't been addressed appropriately, whether the offender was dominant, submissive or vanilla. I don't believe that threatening to leave or anything like that is particularly helpful. Sit down and say "This is really bothering me and my ability to trust you." and see where it goes from there.

quote:

How can she ever trust him again?

This is a question whose answer is unique and personal both to the persons involved and the cause of the mistrust.

quote:

But how do Doms "fix" things if they are the ones who lie, cheat, break promises, etc.?

Personally, I acknowledge I screwed up, I apologize for my screw up, I explain my screw up, and I offer to make things right/better or some way to prevent future screw ups. This is assuming we both agree that I lied, cheated or broke a promise and we didn't have some miscommunication that resulted in the hurt feelings to begin with.

Gregory

(in reply to curiousPAlady)

Post #: 15

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 7:35:07 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

If a Dom breaks his word and/or cheats on his submissive, that's serious. But if he comes clean about it and discusses it with her and apologizes, the relationship could be salvaged.

But if he then compounds it by lying, that's WAY different. That shows that he is not willing to stand behind his actions, and that he is a slave to her approval. A Dom who lies to try to get his sub's approval isn;
't worth submitting to.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 16

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 8:06:46 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousPAlady

I dont know where to ask this, so I hope here is ok. I have read posts about what Doms do when the sub lies, disobeys, does something wrong, etc. She would be somehow "dealt" with, or released.

But I havent read a post about what a sub does when her Dom lies to her, or cheats on her, or breaks his promise or commitment to her. She can leave the relationship of course. But if he wants her as his sub, but wont acknowledge what he has done, what should she do? What are some options for the sub, to try to save the relationship? How can she ever trust him again?

I know the power dynamic is different, and its not him being "disobedient". But how do Doms "fix" things if they are the ones who lie, cheat, break promises, etc.? What is the equivalent response when its the Dom who has done "wrong"? How can the relationship be repaired when its the Dom who is at fault?

By owning up to it and striving to fix whatever behavior caused the insecurity and the breach in trust.

If the goal of the relationship is for one partner to be vulnerable to the other, then that partner has to create a secure environment where there is no fear that such vulnerability will be trampled on. This isn't an entirely easy feat, because dominants aren't perfect and we're just human.

My own behaviors and my own baggage has caused and still causes problems with my partner and past partners. Each mistake I make, I learn more about me as a person and what I need to do to be "better." You take steps forward and you take steps backward.

I think it's highly unrealistic not to expect to take steps back with any dominant unless they are someone who has already invested a lot of time and energy into fixing their own baggage and issues. However, if they aren't willing to own up to what they did and take responsibility for it, then it's my suggestion to find another partner. Without that element, then you won't be able to take steps forward after going backward.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 8/9/2008 8:07:45 PM >

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(in reply to curiousPAlady)

Post #: 17

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 8:11:38 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
I think it's highly unrealistic not to expect to take steps back with any dominant unless they are someone who has already invested a lot of time and energy into fixing their own baggage and issues. However, if they aren't willing to own up to what they did and take responsibility for it, then it's my suggestion to find another partner. Without that element, then you won't be able to take steps forward after going backward.

I think this is true for any relationship. No relationship always progresses forward - both parties err and have issues that must be dealt with. To believe otherwise is to believe your partner, whether Dom or sub, is perfect, which obviously is a dangerous illusion and nothing to build a worthwhile relationship on.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 18

RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 8:14:59 PM

angaothsi

Posts: 242
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

To Aramis
I agree with GT, being as you are honest about your activities I don't see this as lying. Therein lies the difference.

To the OP:
In any relationship trust should be paramount, IMO it is even more important that an s type be able to trust his/her D type. Dishonesty comprimises this and he or she as the case may be, will have to do whatever needs to be done to re-establish said trust. There isn't a magic formula for a D type, it has to be the same way trust was developed in the first place or in the standard nillia type manner.

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RE: When Doms lie/cheat/break promises? - 8/9/2008 8:16:07 PM

angaothsi

Posts: 242
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

CD, with all respect , I like you more and more every day.

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Post #: 20

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