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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 12:27:42 AM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		I would surround myself with friends and have always gone to different places including the munches and play events. I would write poetry just to get out my frustrations.  I know when it is over, to walk away with dignity, you cannot change or try to get the ex-dom to love you.  I think the best thing to do is to keep busy and when I felt really upset, I would always put on my shoes, get comfortable clothes and start taking a brisk walk on the treadmill.  It is great to be stomping out your frustrations that makes you feel good and keeps you in shape.  Oh yeah, and listening to some music is also good as it keeps you focused to look positively ahead for the future.

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 12:32:58 AM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

And also - what does a Dom do after a breakup - what is His way of healing?

I would love to hear more on this. I keep saying to myself, if you are looking in the rear view mirror, you may hit what is in front of you..and kill it.

God help me..my heart is filled with pain. I sometimes think I will never laugh again, and then, bam! I am laughing at something Geoff says..or I am laughing over something my little poodle does. I keep praying for laughter, as this is what will get me through this, eventually.

I am reminded every single day, just how human I really am. Tears have a way of doing that to someone.


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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 2:24:15 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

i was released suddenly, and i wonder how other submissives or slaves deal with the various things.

PS get dating again?


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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 2:27:47 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

I am reminded every single day, just how human I really am. Tears have a way of doing that to someone.


You know i understand. I make lots of tea with sugar actually and write. The writing takes on a life of it's own. Thank god for writing. And i also post on here because i am not worried about looking conformist or being part of the club.
It hurts like fuck-the-fuck and i think it hurts on both sides. But i guess the tough guys aren;t owning up they are just being flippant (as usual).


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Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 6:07:21 AM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		How does anybody deal with a loss, Dom, sub, vanilla?
I guess that depends on how much of yourself you have invested in the relationship or the person.
After a relationship failure, I tend to withdraw and become more cautious. I concentrate on my family, my work and rethink my future.
Human interaction is not a something to be taken lightly. Whatever the cause, the end of a relationship leaves a void, some pain and self questioning.
I see life as a journey with many roads possible. When we have losses,we are given choices on which path to take at that point. It's a serious choice, because I've found it's almost impossible to retrace a path once taken but left.
I don't think most people approach a relationship with the same seriousness or commitment. This imbalance is what leads to most of the pain caused by breakups. It's also why the breakups occur. It's why I've become much slower to commit. Is that good or is that bad? Most likely, some of both.
Take the time to look at yourself and what you want out of life. Try and understand why that last relationship didn't work.
Take strength from family and friends and go on.

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I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 6:58:07 AM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

quote:

And also - what does a Dom do after a breakup - what is His way of healing?

I would love to hear more on this. I keep saying to myself, if you are looking in the rear view mirror, you may hit what is in front of you..and kill it.

God help me..my heart is filled with pain. I sometimes think I will never laugh again, and then, bam! I am laughing at something Geoff says..or I am laughing over something my little poodle does. I keep praying for laughter, as this is what will get me through this, eventually.

I am reminded every single day, just how human I really am. Tears have a way of doing that to someone.


When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
Helen Keller
 
Edited spelling

 
C-D

< Message edited by CruelDesires -- 8/10/2008 7:18:36 AM >

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 7:16:51 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I see human beings in a constant state of growth and development, and -- outside of death, maybe -- I don't think things really end.  They transition.  I don't like a woman because I'm sleeping with her; I sleep with her because I like her.  Those qualities that caused me to like her, to be glad she was my friend, didn't suddenly disappear just because we're no longer getting nekkid around each other.

There's an ego slam if she decides she's more sexually attracted to somebody else, sure.  But there's a lot of things I refuse to compromise on/negotiate about.  My choice to live that way and take the consequences.  However, I think the all-or-nothing attitude many people have is just silly.  "Either we're in a relationship or you're a loser and dead to me."  WTF???  How about making friends for life, and expressing affection and love with your bodies when it's appropriate?


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 7:34:30 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		It totally depends on the circumstances as to what my initial emotional reaction is. Sometimes it's just pure relief, sometimes sadness, sometimes anger......just depends. Whatever that is, it usually doesn't last long. I've mourned more heavily for the loss of a beloved furry companion than that of any relationship.

After the initial emotion, I take stock, try to do some self analyzation and own up to my own responsibility in the problems. Then go on living life.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 7:54:31 AM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida



* Snuggling with my kitty a lot. :)
*hehe...my male cat is more or less on my lap/couch as soon as i sit down...my female cat got enough of the forced cuddling..*L*..and is a bit perturbed*...

We are still communicating and figuring out how best to work out this transition.  I am being honest with myself at all times, and with him when we talk.  I have already received a handful of emails from people suggesting I immediately find another relationship - No thank you!!  This is a perfect time for me to get to know myself even better, and to learn what I want in the future, and what didn't work in the past.  It is an opportunity to grow, and I intend to do so.

*He did get in touch with me also - finally. I have a journal (we shared it - so i just changed a bit, but kept the password as is just in case He needed to read or comment), and He wrote me there. That will be all communication - but it will help us both with the healing process*.


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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 7:56:54 AM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

i was released suddenly, and i wonder how other submissives or slaves deal with the various things.

PS get dating again?



*No...*smiles*...that is not the way i function...i need time to heal and find myself again. Last time it took 3 years....i have good friends around - things to keep me busy - so no dating for me.  *hugs*


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.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 9:15:53 AM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears



Maybe make up a ritual for yourself, a committment to yourself and your future dom/master, something that has meaning and will bring you a goal and purpose, like learning a new skill or writing to your future D what you are doing right now to prepare yourself for him.... just some thoughts. Hope you feel better soon *hugs* 

i do write - naked and honestly - i am the only one reading that blog anyway (well...and my ex if He so choses). i speak from my heart there, and this has always been my release when i hurt. No drugs - no alcohol - just words or work with my designs...i also write and design when i am happy, and those knowing me well - knows exactly what mood i was in when they see my work...s...in my webdesigns i am constantly learning new things and that has always been my safe place. i am feeling good, btw - sad, yes - but i just have to move on. There is no other choice..and my smile is with me...


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.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 9:20:08 AM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1



However, I think the all-or-nothing attitude many people have is just silly.  "Either we're in a relationship or you're a loser and dead to me."  WTF???  How about making friends for life, and expressing affection and love with your bodies when it's appropriate?


*some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break, and have no more contact. That does not mean they think the other is a loser. We just deal with things a little differently*


_____________________________

.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 9:21:10 AM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		Oh, and for specifics:
For the worst breakup, I lay down on the living room carpet, played Henry Rollins 'Liar' on 'repeat' as the tears rolled into my ears, volunteered, and took a B&W photography course.

And now I still volunteer, still develop my own pictures, but now I smile when I hear Henry Rollins ;-)

(in reply to silkncarol)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 9:31:38 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang
*some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break,

Then did you really love him, or just how he made you feel about yourself?


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to badlilthang)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 9:47:49 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

*some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break, and have no more contact. That does not mean they think the other is a loser. We just deal with things a little differently*


I make clean breaks because of the D/s stuff.  I need to, in effect, de-program myself.  This isn't an issue of 'love' but of re-training so I'm no longer subject to the influence of that particular dominant.  I don't mind if the feelings of love persist so long as I can get rid of the feelings of submission.  And, in order to get rid of the feelings of submission, I have to eliminate contact for a while.


< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 8/10/2008 9:49:08 AM >

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 9:48:59 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1



However, I think the all-or-nothing attitude many people have is just silly.  "Either we're in a relationship or you're a loser and dead to me."  WTF???  How about making friends for life, and expressing affection and love with your bodies when it's appropriate?


*some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break, and have no more contact. That does not mean they think the other is a loser. We just deal with things a little differently*



Oh wow, I just cannot imagine NOT being friends with them.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to badlilthang)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 10:06:16 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I dont think a lot of people get that.  At least in my experience it seems like women will jump in the sack with some one thinking they like us.  And from what I hear of the younger set, is that if they dont do it, someone else will.  Some time ago  there was a preteen sex party thing in our town which was a huge scandal.  But for the kids it was not sex. it was bj's.  I kept thinking ok.. the guys are getting some thing out of it.  whats in it for you?  Then it dawned on me.  that was affection to them. 
Times have changed. 
It does make it difficult for those of us who still want to like our partner before bedding him. 
But as for that all or nothing attitude, while I always remained friends after, I can see how it might not work for all.  Great emotion leads to great loss at the end.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
I don't like a woman because I'm sleeping with her; I sleep with her because I like her. 

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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 10:09:34 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

quote:

*some people can not keep a friendship after the "love" is gone. They have to do a clean break, and have no more contact. That does not mean they think the other is a loser. We just deal with things a little differently*


I make clean breaks because of the D/s stuff.  I need to, in effect, de-program myself.  This isn't an issue of 'love' but of re-training so I'm no longer subject to the influence of that particular dominant.  I don't mind if the feelings of love persist so long as I can get rid of the feelings of submission.  And, in order to get rid of the feelings of submission, I have to eliminate contact for a while.



I like what you said about "re-training."  That's what I meant when I wrote about "taking my power" back.  It's difficult, because I still love him so much, and we parted on good terms so there is no animosity at all.  He misses me, too, and wants to remain in my life.    We're still in communication, but I have really pulled back and distanced myself, in an effort to take ownership of myself back.  It is not an easy process.

I believe (and hope) we'll always be in each other's lives, as good friends, but what RedMagic1 said about "expressing love with your bodies when it's appropriate" - I don't think I could do that, without all those feelings of submission coming back.  I think that would rip my heart out.  To even fantasize about it makes me feel like I still belong to him, and then reality hits and - - wow.  Hard stuff to work through.

Oh and badlilthang, about the kitty - - when I was released I took off for a few days, to hang out with my brother and his wife.  When I came home, kitty was starving for love and affection, so that worked out to my benefit!  He hasn't left my side yet, except to totally crack me up with his playing.  :)

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 10:31:18 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

I have really pulled back and distanced myself, in an effort to take ownership of myself back.


Yup. :) This is exactly what I'm talking about.  Unless you've been there, I don't think its possible to understand how all-consuming a focus a d can be for the s.  When the D/s dynamic breaks down, for whatever reason, the s remains vulnerable to the d until s/he can 'get her power back.'  As I experience it, this is an internal thing, and re-covering of what's always been there.  To 'remain friends' through this process would only perpetuate the vulnerability/ dependency of the s.

It doesn't mean friendship isn't possible at some later date.  For me at least, there's important work to be done first, though.


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“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


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RE: after it ends...how do we deal with it? - 8/10/2008 10:44:02 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Exactly, Gypsygrl, and I think for as difficult as it is for the "s" to not fall into submissive patterns with the "d", the "d" likely has difficulting in not stepping into familiar behaviors with the "s".  Right now Mr. W wants to help guide me through the transition of not beloning to him, and I'm thinking, "No No No!!!  Don't DO that!!!" 

The whole thing is a bit confusing.  He wants to help, but in helping, he isn't helping.  Make sense? 

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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Profile   Post #: 40
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