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professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 6:38:58 PM

subbisherri

Posts: 109
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline

My last experience/experiment/enjoyable time left a lot of questions, thanks to a number of people I've chatted with before and after and about it (esp TopLoader and Bolon, thank you!), but there's a big issue I need to deal with. I love my job/career, very rewarding but it takes a lot of focus and it's the kind of gig that's almost a lifestyle unto itself. How do people deal with a submissive nature whilst also needing what almost amounts to a dominant bent at work? Is it possible to park one's sexual nature until in the boudoir, so to speak? Can one be truly submissive solely to one's partner, or a select group or peoplethat they know are of a particular orientation, and not to to others? Is that tantamount to hiding, or should it be viewed as just being selective?

Is it possible for someone to meld subbing and job conflicts, but only because they are in a monogamous relationship and only are subby to one person? Or a poly household, but still only subby to those partners?

This is something I really need to work out, because it may be that my job is really interfering with my ability to explore and understand my subby curiosities and desires.

Post #: 1

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 6:45:54 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Perhaps it's more that you have a fixed notion of what "submissive" is? Are you really not being submissive just because you're in charge of a meeting? Submission isn't about action or personality, it's about who you are inside, what your motivation is.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to subbisherri)

Post #: 2

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 7:15:30 PM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbisherri

How do people deal with a submissive nature whilst also needing what almost amounts to a dominant bent at work?

How do I deal with it? The same way I deal with life. I'm submissive to my dominant, but I don't let other people push me around...
How do I deal with it at work? The same way I deal at the grocery store. I'm responsible for myself, and I'm not going to let people cut me in line, steal things from my cart, or bother me in other ways.

quote:

Can one be truly submissive solely to one's partner, or a select group or people that they know are of a particular orientation, and not to to others?

You're a submissive, you say. Send me all of the money in your bank account, sign me over the deed to your house, and buy me at least 4 funny hats. What...you won't? But...you're a submissive, you must obey the commands of anyone who knows you are submissive, right? I know your orientation, and I demand that you submit!

Oh wait...submission doesn't work that way. Damn.

quote:

Is that tantamount to hiding, or should it be viewed as just being selective?

It's neither of those things. Although being submissive may color other sections of your life, it does not define you entirely.

For example, let's assume you're heterosexual. Because you're heterosexual, you enjoy sex with men. That does not mean you enjoy sex with every man, nor does it mean you'd offer to have sex with every man. Although occasionally an attractive man might get you a bit red under the collar, you are not attracted to every man.

Now, let's assume you're submissive. Because you're submissive, you enjoy submitting. That does not mean you enjoy submitting to any person, nor does it mean you offer to submit to every person. Although occasionally an attractive dominant person might make you strive to be just a bit more obedient, you are not submissive to every dominant person.

_____________________________

"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to subbisherri)

Post #: 3

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 7:30:54 PM

charlie63

Posts: 36
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline

I must be very dominant in my job, but it was a long process to separate my submissive nature from the need to function more strongly in life. What I've discovered is that in the D/s dynamic I've chosen to be submissive and subordinate, and that is a gift acknowledged and appreciated by Him. Whereas before He came into my life I just felt like I had to give to everyone, and, thus, was often taken advantage of. Instead of enjoying and embracing my nature, I usually resented what I did for others eventually. All of that to say, now that it is compartmentalized in that I freely submit to one, it is easier for me to stand up for myself and be dominant when it is appropriate at work or with my children or friends, but when I come home to Him at the end of the day it is a relief to let that go.

(in reply to katie978)

Post #: 4

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 7:54:34 PM

suessub

Posts: 71
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline

First and foremost, it is my relationship I am submissive to my partner. Secondly, socially, I like to be submissive when the context is right. Definitely with scene friends or at play spaces. To a lesser degree in the vanilla world; around those people that are of an accepting nature. Only at work when I can snick it in.

As I move out from the closest relationships to those I have at work, the most distant, my submissive side inversely is tapered. But it would be that way for for anything. Work is work and I don't care to mix work with the personal too much anyway. I don't need the drama where I earn my livelihood. Having a family and morgage will to that to you.

On the other hand, as I have accepted my submissive nature more, my confidence in myself increases. And this helps me professionally. So, in a way, there is less conflict between being submissive and the demands of the job than first are appearent.

_____________________________

"Cause people often talk about being scared of change
But for me I'm more afraid of things staying the same
Cause the game is never won by standing in any one place for too long "
- Nick Cave

(in reply to charlie63)

Post #: 5

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 8:08:46 PM

roughleather

Posts: 232
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

How do people deal with a submissive nature whilst also needing what almost amounts to a dominant bent at work?

That's common. Many sexual subs have strong personalities out of scene. Speaking as a top, subs who don't are usually not that interesting.

(in reply to subbisherri)

Post #: 6

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 10:00:34 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

The same way a dominant man bows down to his real life boss.

Doms love to brag about how dominant we are, subs love to brag about how submissive they are. (Hence the 'true', 'real', etc.)

In reality, people are not that simple. We are complex creatures with conflicting personalities. We all have dominant parts and submissive parts. You don't have to bury part of your personality in order to enhance the other.

Work is in my opinion the PERFECT place to exhibit the part of yourself that runs contrary to your sexual orientation. If you are dominant, your job is a great place to be a little bit less opinionated. If you are submissive, your job is a great place to stand up a bit more for yourself.

(in reply to roughleather)

Post #: 7

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 10:11:36 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

Yes, there are undoubtedly people you need to relate to in an assertive or even an aggressive manner, and that can be very taxing for a submissive. However, if you look around, doubtless there are some people to whom you must relate in a subservient manner....and since in most fields, success depends in part on pleasing these folks, if you concentrate a great deal on that aspect of your work it does help.

It also helps to find a dominant mentor....it really doesn't matter whether they are kinky or even if there is any sexual energy between you...someone who rides your ass to make you excell is a source of comfort during the daily grind. If no one you know today can fulfill this role, engage in some professional networking and seek someone...eventually you are likely to find someone as people of this character enjoy having someone fulfill the protege role.

The only other advice I can give you is to stay in touch with your sexuality, especially when circumstances force you furtherest away from submission, by the clothing you wear, the underwear you wear, etc. Whatever tokens help you feel sexually and subsmissively alive.

Best wishes.

candystripper

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 8

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 10:15:46 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Actually, you are indeed required to buy Katie at least 4 funny hats. Because all the rest of us want pics.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 9

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 11:40:05 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbisherri

How do people deal with a submissive nature whilst also needing what almost amounts to a dominant bent at work?

Precisely because one role's power balances the other....

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to subbisherri)

Post #: 10

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/11/2008 11:52:54 PM

DomDolf

Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline

Your dominant should want you to be strong and able to consider yourself submissive to only him or those you have agreed to submit to. There should be little confusion in this area after this thread is done with you!

If you submitted to everyone you would be worthless to me.

Dolf

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 11

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/12/2008 9:15:25 AM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbisherri

My last experience/experiment/enjoyable time left a lot of questions, thanks to a number of people I've chatted with before and after and about it (esp TopLoader and Bolon, thank you!), but there's a big issue I need to deal with. I love my job/career, very rewarding but it takes a lot of focus and it's the kind of gig that's almost a lifestyle unto itself. How do people deal with a submissive nature whilst also needing what almost amounts to a dominant bent at work? Is it possible to park one's sexual nature until in the boudoir, so to speak? Can one be truly submissive solely to one's partner, or a select group or peoplethat they know are of a particular orientation, and not to to others? Is that tantamount to hiding, or should it be viewed as just being selective?

Is it possible for someone to meld subbing and job conflicts, but only because they are in a monogamous relationship and only are subby to one person? Or a poly household, but still only subby to those partners?

This is something I really need to work out, because it may be that my job is really interfering with my ability to explore and understand my subby curiosities and desires.

First off, my sexual nature has nothing to do with my role at work. They are two completely different sides of the coin.

My sexuality is apart of me and that will never change but because I am not a sexual being when I'm at the office there should be no confusion of role.

At work I am incharge, I run the office, I organize my boss and make sure things are done how and when they need to be done.

At home, I am there to serve my Master. I make sure the house and the kid and Master are taken care of and that our life is organized and running as smooth as possible. Not really much difference actually.

Except at home i want to not only be pleasing in a domestic sense but in a sexual sense as well. At work I only want to be pleasing in the fact that everything is done and done correctly lol

Being a submissive does not mean you cow tow and bow and kiss the feet of everyone. Not in my world anyway.

I utilize my more submissive traits (need to please, need to do a job well, anticipating the needs of others) at work very effectively. It actually makes me extremely good at my job.

My more dominant traits (overly organized, perfectionist, bossy hehe) also help me at work because I'm not afraid to stand up and demand that things get done, on time and done right.

I am not the type of person to back down, if i belive in something then i fight for it. At home with Master that means repectfully making my point clear. At work that means respectfully making myself clear.

If you are not the type of person that can stand up for yourself and your views, or you can't be in charge of people with out feeling "wrong" Then choose a career that is geared towards your strengths and not your weaknesses.

I find that being able to go home and let Master be in charge is a much needed release for me from being in charge at work all day. It balances my life and calms the chaos.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to subbisherri)

Post #: 12

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/12/2008 10:49:23 AM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

I'm a collared submissive and i am a nurse. i have a responsibility to my patients to be their protector and defender, at home I'm a married and devoted spouse and with my M'Lady i am a submissive. this lifestyle and my job allow for full expression of my passive aggressive tendency's. it really is the best of all the worlds complementing and strengthen each other. my advice to you is to find the balance in your life job and partners to obtain the happiness you will enjoy.

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 13

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/14/2008 1:14:54 AM

Sundowner

Posts: 2549
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbisherri

.. it may be that my job is really interfering with my ability to explore and understand my subby curiosities and desires.

I suspect you need not worry; posts so far all support the "concurrent separate personalities" concept.

Not the best analogy, but you can love say your mother and your sister or [insert relation's category here] deeply and yet in quite different ways. Chances are in your job you control your staff in different ways too - a firmer hand with some, a lighter touch with others.

One common problem you may face is not "I want to be submissive to my staff" - doesn't usually happen; it's "I should be submissive to this dom but he's not bright enough to command my respect and I feel an urge to tell him what to do"! Always a potential tricky one for intelligent subs.

(in reply to subbisherri)

Post #: 14

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/14/2008 2:11:22 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sundowner

One common problem you may face is not "I want to be submissive to my staff" - doesn't usually happen; it's "I should be submissive to this dom but he's not bright enough to command my respect and I feel an urge to tell him what to do"! Always a potential tricky one for intelligent subs.

*pats his hand* ... yes but I thought you took it so gracefully .. I *almost* changed my mind!

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to Sundowner)

Post #: 15

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/14/2008 2:27:37 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

I have to be very dominant in my job, not just in the classroom, but also in my role outside in the school as a whole. I have to lead a team of people who are 10-15 years more experienced that I am and believe me they never allow me to forget it.Now, I freely admit to using secret submissive mind voodoo to get what I want out of the people (I squeezed an extra £1000 out of the Bursar by making big blinky lost puppy eyes at him in a budget meeting and pretending to be helpless and overwhelmed in the face of high finance) I have no shame in this, Sundowner uses his big bossy Dominess to get his way, may way works but no one has to go and cry in the toilets afterwards.

There is a huge difference in behaving submissively to the people who inspire you to do so, and being everyone's doormat. Being submissive isn't doing what you are told, that is being compliant and obedient, just like being dominant isn't barking out orders. My head of department is not dominant to me because she yells that she wants the analysis of last years exam results on her desk by tuesday, neither am I being submissive by doing that.

For a long time I felt conflicted because the person I was at work, and with my friends and family, in fact the person I was everywhere else was very very different to the person I was alone with my sexual partner. There are probably 4 or 5 people on the planet right now that I feel genuinely submissive towards, everyone else I interact with day to day, towards them I feel neutral or Dominant. I always thought that made me not a "twue" submissive, until I realised that was just bollocks and I was who I was.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 16

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/14/2008 4:16:04 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

Servant Leadership is a leadership approach espoused by Robert Greenleaf and Stephen Covey and is totally in tune with my submissive nature. I have never felt a conflict between being submissive and being a manager, supervisor, team leader, or assertive in my career. All careers serve in one form or another the client/customer, and even the CEO ultimately reports to the shareholders. Since my career does not include having sex, my sexuality is never an issue and never creates a conflict.

My service to my Master includes providing an income toward our future plans so that all that I do and how well I preform at work is serving my Master and our Relationship. It all boils down to focus.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to subbisherri)

Post #: 17

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/14/2008 5:46:28 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

some time ago i watched this really interesting programme about pro-dommes and their punters... bear with me here...

most of their customers were people in high profile, high pressure positions of authority and responsibility - it doesnt mean just because you hold down a high profile job that you are living a contradiction.

i own my own business, i run it effectively (most of the time) i am a single parent and run a home and all that that entails. i dont have a conflict of interests runing here. i have to do what i do to keep my life runing smoothly.

truth to tell, being a strong, self determined, self aware capable woman makes your submission to your D all the more valuable because you are relinquishing that determined, capable strong woman into his hands. look at it that way.

_____________________________

even doves have pride (Prince)

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 18

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/14/2008 11:26:43 AM

Sundowner

Posts: 2549
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sundowner

One common problem you may face is not "I want to be submissive to my staff" - doesn't usually happen; it's "I should be submissive to this dom but he's not bright enough to command my respect and I feel an urge to tell him what to do"! Always a potential tricky one for intelligent subs.

*pats his hand* ... yes but I thought you took it so gracefully .. I *almost* changed my mind!

If I weren't grinning so much I'd swat you young lady. Do note, however, that the problem only arises for intelligent subs.

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 19

RE: professional career / submissive sexuality conflict? - 8/14/2008 11:28:30 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

and so the super intelligent ones like me ... what do we do?

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to Sundowner)

Post #: 20

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