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How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 3:02:15 AM   
devil4sex


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/26/2008
Status: offline 		How do you know if you have just been playing at this lifestyle.  I met my ex Master 18 months ago on a dating site on the internet after around 2 months after that he introduced me to the lifestyle and then 1 month later collared me.  Ihave been vanilla all my life until I met him. 

He has taught me a lot and although sometimes I was scared I enjoyed all we did together.  On holiday this year in July after he had urinated on me 3 times and made me pee in the road I had a tantrum net result of many other issues was that he released me from my collar and told me that I was just playing at the lifestyle.

Am very confused  any ideas?
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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 3:08:59 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Issues in what way - with him or with the urination?  That could make a difference.  Personally, it just sounds as though he couldn't be bothered to move forward in your relationship.  One tantrum in itself doesn't amount to you 'only playing'.  Your post is too vague to comment properly, although when people throw out the whole, 'your not real' or'your just playing' it just means they do not have the ability to exert control and it's nothing more than a hissy fit on their part.
 
the.dark.

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 3:22:11 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		If you were submitting to his dominance then you were not playing at it, even if that just means you were taking sugar in your coffee when you like it plain.

Sounds to me like you hit an obstacle in what you were willing to submit to, and he didn't have the equipment to move you beyond it. There is no failure or shame in coming up against a limit of what you can take. There is faulire and shame in not being honest with your partner, and creating false bullshit to cover your own mistakes. Which is what it sounds to me like he did

th 

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 4:24:27 AM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		    That sounds very much like the type of thing that people say when they break up. People try and say the most hurtful thing they can think of...since telling you your submission "wasn't real" was so hurtful to you, that's some pretty good proof that your submission was very real to you.

In this case, it seems like your "dom" had no idea what he was doing...and was just happy to have found a willing participant. Many people who are NOT 'just playing' have limits and things they aren't comfortable with and occasionally even throw tantrums. I certainly couldn't see any heavy playing (as in the actual physical kinky stuff) with a dominant that I was angry with or upset with...eventually I'd throw a tantrum too. If the relationship is in the gutter, peeing on people probably isn't going to make things better.

I suggest that you take a little while to recover and learn more about the lifestyle. Pick up a few books like, "Different Loving", and ,"Screw the Roses, Send me the thorns". The only person who can decide if you are 'just playing' is you...so, were you?


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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 4:41:17 AM   
devil4sex


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/26/2008
Status: offline 		No was not just 'playing' at this lifestyle until I met him i had never heard of bdsm let alone bondage caning gagging blindfolding water sports nipple clamps etc I did learn all of this with him and wanted to go forward an extend my limits but i was not good enough for him.

problem i have now is that am frightened to find another Dom (for the moment) need time to find out my needs and find a suitable Master and my ex scares me cos he checks on everyhing I do.  He checked my posts on Slave Register and then went mad at me.

All i am trying to do is find out more and what about this lifestyle but for the moment he has frightened me of and he makes me feel guilty if i do anyting to help myself

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 4:44:30 AM   
devil4sex


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/26/2008
Status: offline 		no i dont think the urination per sei he has done it before and I have enjoyed it maybe it was the amount he did 3 times the heat etc I dont know why I kicked off.  It was the first time that he had made me feel humiliated and degraded maybe that was it

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 4:51:30 AM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:


All i am trying to do is find out more and what about this lifestyle but for the moment he has frightened me of and he makes me feel guilty if i do anyting to help myself


All of the things you said about your ex set off warning bells about abusive boyfriends. If you're broken up with him, it's important that you cut off all contact with him...particularly if he's behaving like a spoilt child who lost his favorite toy. Block his name online.If he sends you messages, don't reply. Don't see him in person. The best way to end a nasty relationship is to END it, don't linger around and give him a chance to get back into your life.

   If he's frightening you in person, don't put up with it. Get the police involved (if this is happening in person, not just online), get a restraining order, get a bunch of big male friends to "go and have a chat with him": whatever it takes. No one should have to live in fear, and just because he's a dom doesn't give him any right to control your life now that you're done with him.

  With time, you'll be able to see more clearly, and you'll decide what you're looking for in a boyfriend/master.


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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 5:02:24 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I just think he couldn't deal with the whole 'difficulty' that came up - that he didn;t have the tools or ability to work it through with you.  That's not your fault, but more an indication of what he was lacking.
It could be he is happy when things are riding cool and high, but doesn't deal well with difficulties and problem moments.
 
Did you talk about humilation and degredation and discuss it as part of your dynamic?  If not, remember to discuss this with your next partner ahead of time.
 
Just chalk it up to experience and find yourself a dominant who does and can deal and not stick their head in the sand.
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 5:05:54 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: katie978
All of the things you said about your ex set off warning bells about abusive boyfriends. If you're broken up with him, it's important that you cut off all contact with him...particularly if he's behaving like a spoilt child who lost his favorite toy. Block his name online.If he sends you messages, don't reply. Don't see him in person. The best way to end a nasty relationship is to END it, don't linger around and give him a chance to get back into your life.

  If he's frightening you in person, don't put up with it. Get the police involved (if this is happening in person, not just online), get a restraining order, get a bunch of big male friends to "go and have a chat with him": whatever it takes. No one should have to live in fear, and just because he's a dom doesn't give him any right to control your life now that you're done with him.

With time, you'll be able to see more clearly, and you'll decide what you're looking for in a boyfriend/master.



In all honesty, I see this post as nothing more than full of frightening and scare tactics.  The woman never said she feared him personally, but that it was about the degredation and humiliation and quite possibly, she hit a wall and frightened herself - he just didn't know how to handle it.
 
It's so easy to shout 'abuse' and make accusations and place someone in a positon of second guessing anothers intentions and that's not always healthy.
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 5:10:16 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think We have close to enough info here to make comment on the OP's individual situation. It could be a dim, copping out for his own short commings by blaiming her or equaly that issue maybe only one of a long line of incidents with her 'submitting' only when she felt like it and thus being the final straw for Him and the comment being an acurate one.

Only the OP herself can judge her actions and real situation. If she gave herself fully, tried her hardest then she wasn't playing at it just because she had one bad reaction.... but also she is the only one here in a position to look at the rest of her behaviour during that relationship and decide where she wants to or is drawn to go from here.


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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 5:22:34 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Domination isn't about ordering someone about, it is about inspiring a fellow human being to obey.  Seems he was good at the former but not so good at the latter. 

(in reply to RavenMuse)
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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 5:32:57 AM   
maat


Posts: 62
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		ok, now i dont think the problem was that you werent good enough for him, sounds more the other way around to me. its his responcebilety to make shure you are ready, that you are were you need to be when he push limits and bounderys. Ds relationships are as much about trust and respect as it is about anything else, and it goes both ways.

Sounds to me that its not you that were playing at beeing submissive, rather he was playing at beeing a dominant.

You dont need a Master to find out more about this lifestyle and about youself. read, talk to people, look at picturs, read novels to figur out what you find interesting. Figur out what it is you need in a Dom and what you can bring to that relationship. Beeing submissive isent about beeing mindless and just saying yes.

and NEVER feel guilty for doing things for yourself. Its always your responcebility to feel safe and good about youself. My biggest jobb is always to take care of my Masters property, thats me. So i have to take care of myself, if not im no only failing myself but also Him.

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 8:22:38 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		You two were mismatched-or he was just impatient.

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 1:17:41 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Love this. 
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Domination isn't about ordering someone about, it is about inspiring a fellow human being to obey. 

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 3:17:56 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		Yah, me too, kyst. Good one, Mike.

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 4:35:24 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Who the fuck is mike? 

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/12/2008 7:38:06 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		!. You were a complete newbie.  He showed you D/s and collared you one freaking month later.  That's WAY premature and shows he is a faker or doesn't know what he's doing.

2. I'm not following this well, but it sounds like he removed your collar for throwing a tantrum and at that time told you of a bunch of other issues that he'd never mentioned before?

Sorry, but if the issues are serious enough to break a relationship, they need to be discussed and dealt with.  If you had problems, it would have been your responsibility to bring them up.  Since they were his problems, it was his responsibility to do so.

3. It was ridiculous of him to say you were playing at being a sub.  You were following his lead.  If there were any ways in which you could have been more submissive, he could have taught you.

I suspect that he found someone else and wanted to get rid of you and wanted to make you feel bad about it.

It's hard to say if you are a true sub or just kinky, but who cares?  Do what you and your partner enjoy and the hell wth the labels.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/13/2008 12:20:05 AM   
devil4sex


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/26/2008
Status: offline 		Yes he did this was the second time he has taken the collar from me because he got angry.  He wont discuss stuff.  Before we went on holiday I went over to stay with him for 1 week late May bank holiday.  I found a purple dildo in amongst our other bits when i asked him about it he said he had come across it tidying up. I was dirty and it stank.  I made me feel sick to think he had had someone else.  He never did anything all that week aside from pee on me take vidoes of that and me peeing and then of me being fucked by him - he said he was taken up with his work cos he was very busy.

Maybe you are right he has got someone else - why not tell me.  I have always done what he wanted of me might have made noise if not keen but still did it because i wanted to please him and also improve in my positon as slave/sub

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/13/2008 1:20:18 AM   
subveritas


Posts: 25
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: devil4sex

Yes he did this was the second time he has taken the collar from me because he got angry.  He wont discuss stuff.  Before we went on holiday I went over to stay with him for 1 week late May bank holiday.  I found a purple dildo in amongst our other bits when i asked him about it he said he had come across it tidying up. I was dirty and it stank.  I made me feel sick to think he had had someone else.  He never did anything all that week aside from pee on me take vidoes of that and me peeing and then of me being fucked by him - he said he was taken up with his work cos he was very busy.

Maybe you are right he has got someone else - why not tell me.  I have always done what he wanted of me might have made noise if not keen but still did it because i wanted to please him and also improve in my positon as slave/sub

One way or another this doesn't sound very healthy. That is just my opinion though, I agree with everyone else take a step back find yourself. Personally from what I am reading of your posts he doesn't exactly have your best interests at heart. I may be wrong since I don't know the particulars, but your well being both physically and emotionally should be a priority and if what you say is true he isn't exactly looking after you. Not to mention to give and take a collar like that is at least odd. *hugs* As far as not telling you about someone else well there may or may not be, but think you need to figure out if you want to keep up this relationship. However communication and trust are the most important part to me as well as others and if he is unwilling or unable it might be best for you to call an end to it before you end up really really hurt.

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RE: How do you know if have 'just been playing' at BDSM? - 8/13/2008 6:29:45 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You do not take a collar away when you are angry.  You do it when the relationship has been irretrievably broken.  He gave it lightly and took it back lightly.  He has no respect for the collar or for D/s.

He won't discuss stuff.  So he just barks orders and throws a tantrum when you don't follow them?

NO WAY would any decent Dom put a dirty dildo into a toybag and let if possibly infect other toys.  I'd recommend dropping him for that alone - he could get you sick.  And. yes, the dildo shows that he's got someone else.

devil4sex, I suspect that you are in fact sub, but wait until you find someone worthy of your trust and see how it feels to submit to that person.  There's a lot more to being a Dom than peeing on you and filming it.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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