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.A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:27:17 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		In the UK this week, many students are receiving their exam results.
 
A number of posts this week and last couple, has prompted this thought.
We often get the posts that seem pretty negative about meetings and relationships blah.  We do get positive posts, but these tend to be a little rarer in their appearance.  So I am going to post something I was discussing the other week and have spoken with Darcy with before as well.
 
I met Darcy on the net.  We knew zero about each other apart from that we had one common interest.  Now, being 8 hours away from each other doesn’t exactly make it easy to get to know each other on a one to one basis or even confirm what each other was telling each other was true.  But we both had to trust and have faith that there were no lies being presented.
 
Now as some people know, I was married.  I still am pending divorce going through.  Was it worth lying about when I met Darcy?  Nope.  Yes I could have risked not being with him had he different ethics to me.  But I had to take that leap of faith.  Or face the consequences.
 
So after a few weeks we decided to meet up.  It took some time to arrange because our diaries clashed, but we did meet up and decided it would be cool to attend a fetish event together.
 
We did meet in public - well the station anyway.  We arranged the whole stay over would be together and that if we were not to feel obliged to be anything but friends.  Before we met, we never cybered, never had phone sex or any of the generic online things people seem to get involved with.  Just to note, I don’t find any of these acts inherently wrong, bad or stupid.  It just wasn’t appropriate for our relationship.
 
And within an hour (that is a guess because I wasn’t clock watching) we were playing.  There was no standard protocol, no safe-set ups.  I cannot and would not claim to speak for Darcy, but I certainly was aware of my actions and responsibility to myself and I was ready to accept the consequences should it of all been a terrible mistake.
 
We fluid bonded.  We played.  We have never used a safeword – not even from the very start.  We didn’t really have any kind of safety net set up.  We did everything ‘wrong’.  We did everything that people suggest you should not do.
 
The funny thing is, I would say that 90% of the people we know that have done the same as us, are in solid long-term relationships.  I know we are - living together, sharing our world with each other and the people around us.
So what does that say about all this great advice we throw out at people?  Fuck all, quite frankly.
 
The only real piece of advice that anyone can give another is that if you muck up and shit happens, that the mails you keep getting suck, that if someone lies to you, cheats on you, isn’t who they claim to be, loves you then leave you, disappear from the face of the earth once they have had you, fucks with your head, etcetcetc… then pick yourself up and learn from it and don’t repeat the same mistake.  If you keep making the same mistake and keep coming across the same ‘type of person’ then re-evaluate your personal criteria and search techniques.
 
Don’t place the blame at the door of someone else.
Don’t fixate and blame your childhood.
Don’t blame your own mental state.
 
Don't wallow in self pity and expect others to either - it's self defeating and unproductive.
 
You either know, or you don’t and if you don’t then learn first.
Just don't blame the 'exam' on your 'failiure'.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction
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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:31:06 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		have I mentioned that I adore you both?

This is one of the BEST pieces of advice I have seen posted anywhere...

TAKE RESPONSIBLITY FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR ACTIONS!\
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!

how hard is that??


(god,I miss you two...)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:34:45 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Meh.  Just to add, I was kind of interested on why people do set out the whole 'this is the safe way to do things' list that generically comes out on a regular basis.
I was also interested on who might 'fess up to not being 'the perfect first meetings' etc and who are in really good solid relationships.  Length of time the relationship is in isn't relevant - you can be in a relationship for 20 years and it can still be weak internally.
I was also interested on peoples general thoughts on the subject of not playing by the seemingly 'safe code'.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:37:31 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

have I mentioned that I adore you both?


Once or twice
But the feeling is mutual.

quote:

This is one of the BEST pieces of advice I have seen posted anywhere...

TAKE RESPONSIBLITY FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR ACTIONS!\
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!

how hard is that??


*just nods*
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:38:04 AM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		If you'd posted this next week, you could have had an A*.  This week, you'll have to settle for an A.

I met "sir" (otherwise known as Ben, withwhom I am not in a relationship, I'm just his sub) and within all of five minutes we were "playing".  It's still good, we're still friends, etc.

I've followed the same actions plenty of times before and since with far less positive results.

Sometimes, although you put the exact same things in, the cake just doesn't come out the same.

There's as much luck as good judgement, but the "take responsibilty" and "don't self-flagellate" advice still stands.

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:39:15 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I think the reason why so many tout the 'safecalls etc" thing is because (as is obvious on these boards) so many tops/bottom/doms/subs/etc seem to throw common sense out the window once the 'horny mode' kicks in.....

those who have been around a bit GET that the hormones/testosterone/whatever can cloud judgement.. andsometimes, hearing from a non-invested party might (MIGHT) remind someone to check the hormones at the door and LISTEN to the gut..

it doesnt always happen (again, as evidenced by so many threads here)..but one can HOPE

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:46:53 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		I say each to their own.
You wanna live by the 'safety rules', go for it.
You wanna say fuck it and just live, go for it.
As you say long as you accept responsibility for your own actions, who cares
I love it when you make threads like this one, they make me all twinky

Edited for a bad spelling day

< Message edited by missturbation -- 8/14/2008 9:48:10 AM >

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:48:09 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan
Sometimes, although you put the exact same things in, the cake just doesn't come out the same.

There's as much luck as good judgement, but the "take responsibilty" and "don't self-flagellate" advice still stands.


As a lover of baking and cooking, I also dont believe the cake analagy works well for this as a metaphor.  I would be interested in your reasoning behind it.
 
I also have absolutely no belief in 'luck'.  I don't believe it exists as a concept, only as a superstition and an excuse.
Everything I have I worked for.  Even when shit hit the fan, I worked to change it.  I don't see the point on blaming or crediting anything on external forces.
I do believe in fate and destiny.
 
the.dark.
 

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:48:14 AM   
DelightnDevotion


Posts: 45
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline 		Oh, I violated every darn safety "rule" there is out there when I met with my Dom the first time.  We met online and e-mailed, IM'd, talked on the phone for about six days.  Then I invited him to my house and we were fucking like bunnies within 10 minutes.  It's been a delight ever since.   

But then, I've worked my hiney off to learn how to make wise choices in relationship partners AND learn how to trust my intuition.  All that hard work definitely paid off.   

_____________________________

"Surrender yourself humbly;
then you can be trusted to care for all things."
Tao Te Ching, Chapter 13

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:50:15 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Awwww, now you got me wanting to know what happens when one is twinky!
Or is it too much for my sensitive ears?
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:56:56 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Brilliant advice. 
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

The only real piece of advice that anyone can give another is that if you muck up and shit happens,
… then pick yourself up and learn from it and don’t repeat the same mistake.  
 
Don’t place the blame at the door of someone else.
Don’t fixate and blame your childhood.
Don’t blame your own mental state.
 
Don't wallow in self pity and expect others to either - it's self defeating and unproductive.


(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 9:57:33 AM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan
Sometimes, although you put the exact same things in, the cake just doesn't come out the same.

There's as much luck as good judgement, but the "take responsibilty" and "don't self-flagellate" advice still stands.


As a lover of baking and cooking, I also dont believe the cake analagy works well for this as a metaphor.  I would be interested in your reasoning behind it.

 
I baked two cakes this week.  Both exactly the same cake, with the exact same ingredients (packets, quantities etc), in the exact same tin.  One was divine, the other was described by my dear father as "road kill".
 
That's what I mean with the analogy.
 
I've met more than one person, I've done the exact same series of actions, in terms of talking before, for similar lengths of time, about similar subjects/ranges of subjects, all of my actions have been pretty comparable, but, he and I didn't hit it off, we just weren't right, it was a very beige time.  Other times, he and I were so wrong, I've wound up having completely awful experiences that are only good for laughing about in hot tubs whilst eating chocolate cheesecake.  One time, I met Ben.
 
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  It's a bit about luck with who the other person is when you do meet up with them.  You can never, really, truly, tell whether you click til you see them in person.

 
quote:

I also have absolutely no belief in 'luck'.  I don't believe it exists as a concept, only as a superstition and an excuse.
 
Maybe "luck" was the wrong word, but I hope I clarified what I meant now.

quote:

Everything I have I worked for.  Even when shit hit the fan, I worked to change it.  I don't see the point on blaming or crediting anything on external forces.
I do believe in fate and destiny.
 
the.dark.
 
I belive in putting the work in first as well.  Hence talking, getting to know them, etc.  And if you think there is something there, putting effort and work in to see it florish.  Certainly me and Ben didn't just meet and have it all as a bed of roses.  Nor is it peachy perfect now, we work on it.

But, finding the person with whom there is the thing to be worked on, that's luck/fate/destiny/chance/whatever you want to call it.  Sheer persistance, if you will, by keeping plugging away at it til they do show up.

I'm not a blame the world/don't be responsible person either.  I think we just phrase things slightly differently.

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 10:01:15 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Thanks for the input D&D.
Something that stands out to me - is your point on 'hard work'.  I believe many laziness accounts for the majority of failed relationships.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 10:04:02 AM   
restlessdreamer


Posts: 60
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Meh.  Just to add, I was kind of interested on why people do set out the whole 'this is the safe way to do things' list that generically comes out on a regular basis.
I was also interested on who might 'fess up to not being 'the perfect first meetings' etc and who are in really good solid relationships.  Length of time the relationship is in isn't relevant - you can be in a relationship for 20 years and it can still be weak internally.
I was also interested on peoples general thoughts on the subject of not playing by the seemingly 'safe code'.

the.dark.



I hope you don't mind me offering my 2 bits on the 'safety list'. While I have no experience to speak of when it comes to meeting and playing, etc - I don't think that meeting people from online in a vanilla setting is that far off from the BDSM setting.

I think that both your posts are closely tied together. Some people like to have that 'safety protocol' list handy and use it like a magic formula to meet the partner of their dreams. This way, if things go badly they can happily sit back and say they did everything right and the blame clearly falls on the other person.

A good metaphor that comes to mind for me concerning this is, it's just like being a pedestrian in a busy intersection. There are traffic lights and laws to keep you safe. Everyone seems to know and follow the rules. As a pedestrian, you have the right of way, stepping away from that curb means that all the cars have to stop for you - so long as you are following the rules in that you have a green light and you're in the cross walk.

But your 'common' senses tell you that a screeching of tires, accelerating engine and even possibly the sound of a horn blowing means "Danger! Someone's not playing according to the rules!"

Do you step off the curb anyway because you have the right away?  Would you rather be right or be dead?

I think some people have that inherent need to be 'right' no matter what the consequences. I've seen it manifest in many friends who continue to stay in abusive relationships. They're right, their partner is wrong and some power of the universe will punish them greatly down the road. The thought of listening to their common sense and abandoning the 'rules' never occurs to them. They are right and that's all that matters.

So yes, having that 'this is the safe way to do things' list instills a sense of 'rightness' to cling to. Even if they get hurt, they are still 'right' and can justify the blame on everyone else.

I hope this post made as much sense here as it did in my head. I tend to ramble sometimes. Lol. If not, my apologies in advance!

Darcyandthedark, I do not know you well, but thank you for sharing your story and I am glad to see that some people still break the rules, follow their instincts, and jaywalk together into happiness.

-dreamer


< Message edited by restlessdreamer -- 8/14/2008 10:07:46 AM >

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 10:09:37 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan
I baked two cakes this week.  Both exactly the same cake, with the exact same ingredients (packets, quantities etc), in the exact same tin.  One was divine, the other was described by my dear father as "road kill".
 
That's what I mean with the analogy.

I've met more than one person, I've done the exact same series of actions, in terms of talking before, for similar lengths of time, about similar subjects/ranges of subjects, all of my actions have been pretty comparable, but, he and I didn't hit it off, we just weren't right, it was a very beige time.  Other times, he and I were so wrong, I've wound up having completely awful experiences that are only good for laughing about in hot tubs whilst eating chocolate cheesecake.  One time, I met Ben.
 
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  It's a bit about luck with who the other person is when you do meet up with them.  You can never, really, truly, tell whether you click til you see them in person.
 

 
Even a cake doesn't have the same ingredients, even if you follow it to the letter.  Time of day, humidity, water tempreture - even the egg itself - are never the same.  Even a packet mix would be completely different from one to another.  As a cook, it is generally accepted that you should never cook the same recipe and expect it to be the same each time - you have to notice the subtle changes in each procedure, otherwise it is totaly doomed to fail.  Luck doesn't come into it - skill does.
 
I am not entirely sure if we are phrasing shit differently or not though, but thanks for clarifying.
 
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 8/14/2008 10:11:02 AM >

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 10:12:20 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I have tried things the 'right' way and done things the 'wrong' way and I see no difference in percentages of things failing.  What I see that changes, is my attitude.  After doing them the right way and finding a year down the road, I kissed a frog... I was sorry I wasted my time. lol 

I think what is important, is feeling safe with yourself and knowing yourself and what you want.  You know what you need then and you know what you want and when you see that in a package that well... you just want to rip into... I say go for it!  The problems I think come when people don't know themselves or what they want or are emotionally struggling with something.  If it is online, I take my time in getting to know certain things before I will meet them, but after that point, I do what I want, when I want.  My way works for me and yes, I have had to answer for my own failure or mistakes.  Not listening to that inner voice I think was my biggest mistake in life.  I am a better listener now.

I had someone question my way recently when he didn't get his way and he pointed out that I am still single... I had to laugh at that.  The reasons I am single have nothing to do with how I did or do things.  It is a matter of choices and simply the circumstances in my life.  I want what I want and when I find it, I doubt I will be waiting the right way'ers length of time to do what I want.  As long as I am not doing it quickly and picking someone just to have someone and I am safe in me, there shouldn't be a problem.



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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 10:14:33 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Awwww, now you got me wanting to know what happens when one is twinky!
Or is it too much for my sensitive ears?
 
the.dark.

 
Welllllllll in general i get chained to the floor and ass fucked.
Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i get beaten real good.
Orrrrrrrr stabbed orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i think you get the picture lol.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 10:16:24 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

A good metaphor that comes to mind for me concerning this is, it's just like being a pedestrian in a busy intersection. There are traffic lights and laws to keep you safe. Everyone seems to know and follow the rules. As a pedestrian, you have the right of way, stepping away from that curb means that all the cars have to stop for you - so long as you are following the rules in that you have a green light and you're in the cross walk.

But your 'common' senses tell you that a screeching of tires, accelerating engine and even possibly the sound of a horn blowing means "Danger! Someone's not playing according to the rules!"
Do you step off the curb anyway because you have the right away?  Would you rather be right or be dead?

I loved this!  Totally rocks.
Thank you for responding hey, if people only read this analagy and 'get it' then that would be cool.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 10:19:51 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		*fans and drools*
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: .A,B,C,D,E or Fail. - 8/14/2008 10:24:54 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Hi .dark.,

Awesome post!  But then, well, you're awesome so no surprise you'd post something I love.

I've mentioned here before that four years ago I met Mr. Wonderful online and two months later we have our first meeting - overnight in a hotel room, where I experienced my first bdsm experience, ever.  He has been the love of my life, and our relationship was a beautiful experience.  I did have a couple of "safe calls" in place, but they were for my friends' benefit, not mine.  He wouldn't allow me that visit until we both were cetain I trusted him enough to have it.  No safe words and a LOT of "first times" later, it was an amazing experience.  A LOT of people told me I was nuts.  In fact, only one person I knew at the time supported my meeting him in person like this.

While I may no longer be owned by him, the love for each other has not changed, nor have possibilities for the future.  Time will tell.  I don't regret our first meeting, or any meeting thereafter.

I don't disrespect anyone's need to feel secure and to do what they feel is necessary to ensure their feelings of safety.  But I am also aware that everyone needs different things to make them feel safe.  Some take more precautions than others; some take less.  Frankly I was more injured in my marriage than by any one-night-wonder of a date.  Sometimes even the best of precautions don't protect us. 

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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