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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/18/2008 4:50:21 AM

Nikolette

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Joined: 10/2/2004
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AquaticSub:

Couldn't agree more. And I am certain that my slaves could benefit from something similar if they ever found anything like it. So while I can relate to their issues and help them weed through issues there are many times where I send them off to seek advice and support from people in a similar, slave/sub, perspective. Occasionally they've found the whole "leave your fake domme now!!!!" type of BS but for the most part its thoughtful and helpful, sometimes insightful support, and empathy. And offered some legitmate solutions to help their perspective improve rather than just a bunch of hashing and re-hashing negativity. So I think you guys all should go for it.

Sunnyfey: I think a site could be a very nice idea.... email me on the other side if you are serious and really would want to actively participate in such a thing. One of my slaves could easily build a site with the things you mentioned. He's busy in the immediate future since we're going on vacation, but free after the first week in Sept. ..... I took a second and even found that subsupport.org was avaliable for use (and now own it). I talked it over with my slave (who'd be doing the work building it) and he agrees its a nice resource to at least TRY to create. So with that in mind....

Everyone: If you are interested in volunteering in some capacity to create/manage this, or offer tips advise or suggestions message me on the other side and we can get the ball rolling as soon as I'm back in town (after Sept 9th).

MRandme: That is a very clever idea, to have the Doms visit!

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/18/2008 5:26:37 AM

NeedingMore220

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I do get what everyone is saying about how a support group for submissives could be very helpful. I imagine it would have to have dedicated oversight to keep it from degenerating into a 'that awful Dom' type of thing.

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/18/2008 8:13:28 AM

KatyLied

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There was a period of time where I met with a few subs from my geography, it was a dinner/drinks sort of outing. Contrary to what you might think, we spent more time talking about our lives, work, families than we ever did about lifestyle issues.

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/18/2008 9:43:13 AM

chamberqueen

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Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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I totally agree that most issues should be brought directly to the Dominant and discussed. Having said that, I know that some issues are hard to discuss such as:

"What do I do if I no longer feel fulfilled in the relationship?"

"Am I the only one that feels this way?" (whether positive, negative, or confused)

"I have been given the task of ... and I have not been given much direction. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do it?"

Some people are naturally better communicators than others, whether on top or bottom. Sometimes having someone give you advice on how to start a conversation that will bring about the best results is helpful. (For instance, maintain humility, show the top how this action would also be of benefit to them, sandwich a request or complaint between compliments, etc.)

Every group has whiners, and that isn't at all what I was encouraging. I see slaves that are doing their best and yet feel that they are failures - not even being able to absorb the compliments of the ones that they serve. I see others barely being able to hang on because they feel that they are going through the actions but that their top no longer seems to care about them as a person. These aren't people that are looking for the door or are ready to throw in the towel but those who don't know how to get what they need from the relationship any more.

What I figured is that even if nothing formal is established that at least those who responded favorably to this post could let others know that they have a listening ear and are willing to help. Help could come in the form of telling someone to stop whining and grow up - or it could be in honest advice about how they can make their situation better. I'm very pleased to see that there are quite a few that are willing to help others. : )

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/18/2008 2:53:28 PM

julietsierra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MRandme

i host a subby munch in NE Pennsylvania. The last thing i and the other two founding members want is what is described above. One way we fight that is to have a meeting every three or four months where the Dominant halves of the group are invited along. It keeps things in perspective. Also, membership is not a right. Any of the three of us can un-invite someone if they begin Dom-bashing.

Our group is a friendly meeting of minds, more than a support group. We wanted a safe place where someone who was new could ask questions or sit with like-minded people and realize that they aren't the only one in the world who likes these kinky things. A place where we could share the little triumphs and giggle over the blunders. i will do whatever it takes to make sure it stays that way.

That's pretty much how we run our pokeno group as well, not that it's happened so far, but the possibility is there. And yes, while it was me who had the original idea (I used to play the game when I lived in Texas and had such a good time doing so, I wanted to start it here too - so I did), I didn't want to be SOLELY in charge of the invitation list. So now, there are three of us who do most of the inviting. It keeps things honest.

Then again, I never wanted a "support" group and if I'd attempted to start one, I already know that I'd have been told I wouldn't be allowed to initiate something like that.

juliet

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/18/2008 3:27:48 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

There was a period of time where I met with a few subs from my geography, it was a dinner/drinks sort of outing. Contrary to what you might think, we spent more time talking about our lives, work, families than we ever did about lifestyle issues.

Makes perfect sense to me. In my experience that is often what is discussed at BDSM gatherings. You've just got the option to talk about lifestyle issues as well which is lovely and you don't have to hide anything. I feel more relaxed when I know there won't be trouble or confusion because of a bruise or if I say that I have to call Val/be home at a specific time.

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/18/2008 3:52:45 PM

XaviersXian

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Joined: 9/8/2007
From: Australia
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greetings g,

You took the words right out of my mouth!! (I was going to suggest fairer's thread here as well).

well wishes,

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/18/2008 6:35:56 PM

NeedingMore220

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Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

There was a period of time where I met with a few subs from my geography, it was a dinner/drinks sort of outing. Contrary to what you might think, we spent more time talking about our lives, work, families than we ever did about lifestyle issues.

This I could understand. I suppose it might be nice to be among others who completely 'got' what I was about. My vanilla friends either have a very basic understanding and we don't talk about it because they're uncomfortable with it, or others have no idea. It's usually not an issue because I'm rather private about my relationships, but if I'm upset about something, they would have no idea how to relate to me.

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/19/2008 3:22:15 AM

julietsierra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

but if I'm upset about something, they would have no idea how to relate to me.

Actually, I find this true regarding others who do what we do as well. I've never found that simply calling myself a submissive or slave has made what I do - what my Master and I do - any more palatable to others who call themselves slaves and submissives if what it is we do goes against what they think is appropriate for a relationship.

Let me give you a for-instance. (obligatory qualifier included)

For instance, we read on here all the time about the "horrors" of getting involved with a married man. Yet, people do it all the time (*sigh* and yes, for the sake of argument, the wife knows). Now, if that submissive/slave involved with that married Dominant/Master has a problem and goes to talk to someone she trusts who just happens to be very opposed to those sorts of relationships, I guarantee you, she's not going to get any support from that person beyond "Kick him to the curb!!" No matter what she's trying to gain some insight on, for that person she tried to gain some support from, it's likely to all come back to the fact that the dominant is married - the "evil cur!!" And far from being supportive, that person will, can and has done more damage than dealing with it on one's own ever would.

And that's not to mention that very often - all TOO often - what is discussed with one submissive is also the information of that person's dominant, so at least in real life, the damage that is done in the search of support is significant. If I speak to a submissive, whether the topic is cats, family members or relationships, if that person has a Master, I presume I'm speaking to him as well, and I structure my conversations accordingly. LOTS of people get in trouble presuming that what is discussed will never be brought up between submissives and their owners.

juliet

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/19/2008 4:09:22 AM

MRandme

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Joined: 9/24/2007
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greetings g,

You took the words right out of my mouth!! (I was going to suggest fairer's thread here as well).

*grins*

Greetings Xian,

i think fairer had a wonderful idea, i just don't think most subs would fair well on that particular thread, in that particular forum. Nor would i wish it to be overrun.

i think the best bet would be such a thread in this forum, where the standards of behavior are more lenient and the protocol less formal.

Wishing you well,

g

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/19/2008 7:26:25 AM

FlamingRedhead

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I volunteered on another forum and never once received a PM from anyone. I'll volunteer here, too, but I expect people will just continue to start new threads rather than contact anyone personally.

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/19/2008 7:49:17 AM

NeedingMore220

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You make some very good points, Juliet.

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/19/2008 8:05:38 AM

TheTXRanch

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Joined: 8/18/2008
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I have an alternative opinion. From my experience, I think that support groups in general have a natural tendency to move away from their general purpose. They can become click-y and if someone comes with a differing opinion (like the married example above) they are more likely to be shunned or debated on their relationship than supported.

When I first got into the ls, I met a wonderful switch who did not judge me and helped me explore my new feelings, overcome my embarrassment over these feelings, and safely ride the rollercoaster we all experience as new subs. She was Domme to women and sub to men, but she and I NEVER played. She got to know me personally and emotionally. She was able to teach me warning signs when talking to potential play partners and I trusted her when she said "get out now". If I wanted to continue to persue someone she felt wouldn't be a good match, she would give me advice on how to take extra safety precautions. But she NEVER judged.

My point is that group think can be very detrimental to those new to the lifestyle. They are already struggling with coming to terms with their curiosity about the ls and are in a very vulnerable position. My advice to new subs we train or anyone for that matter is before you seek a Dom, first spend the effort seeking someone who is experienced and not a potential play partner. I give them several ways to do this, but actually the easiest way I've found is for them to go on the cm posts and find someone who posts answers they like to questions they have. It is likely that someone who posts often will be receptive to a new sub trying to get advice.

A personal mentor is a much better option than a group of people that may only share a title (slave/sub) in common. A mentor will get to know you individually and provide well informed answers based on your individual situation/needs. After 7 years in the ls, I still maintain a mentor in addition to Master and I encourage all of my girls to also have a mentor other than me.

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RE: A Slave Support Group - 8/19/2008 8:59:59 AM

goodpet

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lots of good points have come up, and i somewhat lean in the LA direction.. Too many on-line or real time groups turn sour..

We have a Submissive SIG that meets once a month.. and it is a job to keep it on track.. we focus on topics and share our experiences and insights..

they can work and give general support to someone.. but it seems that for a group experience it does better as a general topic type group, not a true support group.. too easy to become all the negative mentioned above..

i have seen and found the best support comes from a smaller group, even one on one. My Master has approved of a female peer to him to act as my mentor.. my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on and someone listen to my rants and vents.. she gives me feed back, and lets me know when she see my needs for improvement or change.. She does very little of the "poor you, bad dom" thing.. but does laughingly like to point out .. "well he is just a guy after all.." sometimes when the issue is a typical male action..

so yes sub groups can work with the right set up.. focus is on topics and general sharing and not a bitch and moan session..
support is usuall best in small or one on one settings..

~ann

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