RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not?

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 3:22:25 PM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan

Having been around people, dominants and vanilla, who have expressed anger, just normal healthy anger, around me, I've noticed I have a tendency to run and hide.

I don't do well in situations with angry people.

And yet, I work well in customer service.

Regularly being angry would be an issue for me

yep, I was in customer service for a major ins company for years......and could defuse an angry customer with no problem.

maybe its the manipulation/control with anger thing?
with a customer> they are just angry at a situation and I have the answers to help ( usually)
but with a raging spouse or person I'm in a relationship with and who is using the anger to make me afraid....................it just feels different and I react differently.

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to IvyMorgan)

Post #: 21

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 3:27:30 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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Some of the responses here have caused me to expand my thoughts on anger-issues.
It doesn’t matter to me if one is dominant or submissive or non-BDSM. If a person gets angry and frustrated over everything that doesn’t go right, they have a problem even if they express it appropriately. I don’t like being around anyone who can’t roll with life’s little punches; the ones who will suck all the air out of the room over a dropped glass, etc.
Again, anger is a valid emotion; but if it is one’s first response most of the time then I would not be hanging around that person.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 22

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 3:48:35 PM

MasterHermes

Posts: 136
Joined: 5/23/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

To me, temper is a negative. It instantly leads me to think of temper tantrums and insecure, out of control, behaviour. Something that is, to me, a huge weakness of character.

Not to confuse anger with temper. Anger is a natural response, but again to me, temper is an immature and negative way of handling temper. A big negative.

I am a HUGE advocate of communication. I want to know the what's and why's and how's of solving the problem. A temper is not condusive to that. It only alienates and throws up walls. Puts people on the defensive.

The temper is the shortage of controling the anger. You can not divide it as anger is natural and temper is unnatural. Too much anger , or getting angry too often always carries the risk of having a temper. Since the anger is the cause of the temper, then one should understand the root of this anger. Seperating them from each other and accepting one while condemning the other may only create different conflicts in the future.

Hermes

< Message edited by MasterHermes -- 8/17/2008 3:50:51 PM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 23

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 4:20:36 PM

Maxwell67

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On the rare times I do get angry, I do not have anything resembling a temper. In fact I get more calm, my breathing slows, my voice gets softer and less expressive. I become a coldly logical machine, which tends to get the attention of people around me far more than I think it might if I had lost my temper, started yelling and breaking things. However, this is apparently my response in any crisis situation... it is how the 'fight or flight' response works for me, and in the past, when I was much less mature, these were the only times my natural dominance asserted itself. Those times when other people would 'lose it' are the times I shined brightest as a leader in the past (possibly, though this is because everyone elses minds minds have numbed from the shock/panic of the situation). When I am angry, unless a punishemnt is merited, I deal with the problem immediately in a calm and efficient manner, and when it is done, it is over. I do not hold grudges. I do not forget though, either, I just take time to reinforce the lessons learned so that whatever got my ire in the first place is not repeated.

If I am angry at Mine over something, even in this state I will not punish her. I wait until I am past that and ready to be compassionate before I mete out any punishment, if one is even needed (fact is I almost never have to do any such thing, but I have the rule in place for myself just the same).

I have said before that I beleive that violence borne of anger is a sign of impotence in the face of adversity... The proper thing to do when a problem rises is to deal with the problem, not fly into a rage. I honestly think that such rage is triggered by inability or unwillingness to do what actually needs to be done.

_____________________________

Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to IvyMorgan)

Post #: 24

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 4:37:38 PM

leadership527

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OP: yes, inability to control oneself is a bad thing in doms and subs both (although there's probably an argument for it being even worse in doms than in subs given the nature of the roles). How bad, depends on how much of a problem it becomes. EVERYONE loses their temper sometime in their life.

Maxwell: You and I are cut from the same cloth in these regards anyway. I pretty much could've written your entire post all except for the one time I was, in fact, not level-headed enough to punish at the moment, I declined punishing later. I wasn't comfortable with the time lag between event and response.

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~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 25

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 5:11:26 PM

mztresn0w

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Joined: 1/12/2008
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When I am angry my speech slows down and the southern accent comes out. I deal with things in a calm manner and only the people closes to me know that I am not happy. If it is my submissives that have upset me. They know it that when I am no longer angry. We will discuss what the problem is or was depend on what has upset me. I never deal with punishment when I am angry except to tell them to leave me alone until I have calmed down. I would never use a punishment implement in anger. My boy and My lil one have learned that I don't argue. It was hard for them at first but now they have grown to understand me and realize that arguing isn't healthy. We can discuss any issue with out anger and find terms of agreement.

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Becareful what you ask for you may get it and then realize it wasn't what you wanted.
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(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 26

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 5:24:59 PM

Nitefalls1000

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Joined: 5/22/2008
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a Dom not in control of his temper in play isnt a Dom. a Dom that plays while angry is a child. a sub with a temper....well there is a cure for that..i use a strap myself

(in reply to IvyMorgan)

Post #: 27

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 5:25:33 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I am curious what other's points of view is on this. Is there a difference in anger and temper to others? Do you feel there is ever a good time to have a temper tantrum?

Talk to me people!

Anger is a feeling. Losing ones temper is a way of expressing anger. Being a word-freak, I break the phrase down... to 'temper' something is to modify it -- to refine it, and to make it stronger, smoother, more calm. To "lose one's temper" is losing the capacity to refine oneself or calm oneself. It is rarely productive, and doesn't make what one is working on or with go any more smoothly -- in fact, it often stirs things up so much that nothing valuable is accomplished and often, hard-won progress is lost.

Do I lose my temper? I am 1/2 Sicilian and 1/2 Irish. On occasion, my passion gets ahead of my common sense, and I lose my grip. It has never served me well to do so, and I am grateful that, for the most part, I am capable of managing my intemperate extremes (or saving them to be worked out in the gym). I have been known, though, to blow a gasket every now and again. I do my best not to explode at people -- but I've even screwed that up on occasion.

I don't think that losing one's temper is any worse for a dominant individual than it is for a submissive individual or a vanilla individual or a boss or an employee or whatever. A loss of temper destroys an opportunity to work towards a common resolution and tends to result in people digging in their feet even harder... but it is not a rational response, and does not always respond to rational direction... or perhaps it is only my anger that occasionally slips a gear. *Shrugs*

The biggest thing, for me, is to take responsibility for the side effects when I lose my cool. Usually, there is lost ground to make up, people to apologize to, and triggers to figure out.... a lot of work for a five minute ballistic attack, but hey, in the not so original words of my Uncle Salvy, "you want's the fun, youze gots ta clean the kitchen."

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 28

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 5:32:04 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
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Anyone who loses their temper and has a hissy fit shows weakness - no matter what side of the slash they are on. If one does it regularly, something must be examined and changed, because that person is being controlled by his emotions, not controlling himself. I think it can also show some passive-aggressive behavior on the part of a Dominant - making a submissive afraid because of temper tantrums and never knowing when he/she will lose it makes serving well very difficult indeed. If it's the submissive having the tantrum ... well, the Dom should know ways to handle that. lol

The thing with tantrums - the person having it has to be willing to admit that there's an issue and be willing to examine the how's and why's of it all.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 29

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 5:34:08 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I'm the opposite. I think of anger as abuse, as a way to control people around you, to force them to walk on eggshells for fear of awakening your anger, as nonconsensual. Temper is what made him rant for two minutes at the rubberneckers who all hit the brakes to watch some poor guy change a flat on the camper he was towing.

To me, temper is short and unimportant. A release valve that doesn't bother anyone else much if at all.

But I think we agree on the actions and attitudes we dislike, we simply call them by opposite names. Terminology yet again.

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(in reply to IvyMorgan)

Post #: 30

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 5:48:08 PM

masterofdrkness2

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Joined: 3/17/2008
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We all have anger ,it's an emotion, how any one handles it is what determines weather it is abuse or not , for me yes I get angry , no I do not hit anyone or anything ,while I am angry , how do I handle it when I get angry ? I usually state my feelings on the matter and I am done , on the rare occasion I do go off on a rant about how I feel about things ( no this is not a temper tantruim I do not kick and throw things). I may be wrong but we all have a temper and it takes different things to set each of us off. but pushed enough we all show it in some way or the other .abuse is when the person can not control the anger and yes it is a sign of weakness to me.

_____________________________

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
(Pink Flyod)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 31

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 5:55:07 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: masterofdrkness2

We all have anger ,it's an emotion, how any one handles it is what determines weather it is abuse or not , for me yes I get angry , no I do not hit anyone or anything ,while I am angry , how do I handle it when I get angry ? I usually state my feelings on the matter and I am done , on the rare occasion I do go off on a rant about how I feel about things ( no this is not a temper tantruim I do not kick and throw things). I may be wrong but we all have a temper and it takes different things to set each of us off. but pushed enough we all show it in some way or the other .abuse is when the person can not control the anger and yes it is a sign of weakness to me.

Ok, I have to ask a sort of silly question. I consider a "temper tantrum" to be something akin to what one deals with in a 2-yr-old -- kicking, screaming, throwing things... essentially non-verbal... just loud and disruptive when one doesn't get one's way.

I'm getting the impression from some of these posts that what I call "loss of temper" (a rant, with the occasional bout of strident or raised voice) other people are calling a 'temper tantrum'. In the interest of clarity, what, exactly, are people calling a "temper tantrum"?

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to masterofdrkness2)

Post #: 32

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 6:03:19 PM

Maxwell67

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*FR*
I wanted to add one other comment about weakness in general. Everyone has weaknesses.I suppose if someone found the right combination of buttons I might fly off the handle. I certainly have a number of other traits aside from my anger management skills that need work. It is important to acknowledge one's weaknesses and to work on them, either by way of discipline or adaptation and to do that you must be honest enough to be open about them with those closest to you... those most likely to be affected by them. We all have vulnerabilities, and we should be able to trust our partners enough to let them see us in that exposed state. If your relationship is going to have any lngevity it is going to happen. If what you have can survive that, then you have something to be proud of. IMO it is essential to have a partner with whom you can work on your weaknesses. Compassion and understanding are preferrable responses to rejection. When people tell you "relationships take a lot of hard work, THIS is what they are talking about (well, this and children).

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 8/17/2008 6:27:56 PM >

_____________________________

Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 33

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 6:08:46 PM

Maxwell67

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Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
I'm getting the impression from some of these posts that what I call "loss of temper" (a rant, with the occasional bout of strident or raised voice) other people are calling a 'temper tantrum'. In the interest of clarity, what, exactly, are people calling a "temper tantrum"?

I am as well, but that is not what I consider a tantrum. One must pass beyond rationality to have a tantrum. Either violence or throwing some sort of fit would do it, but simply yelling would not meet that criteria, IMO. Those of us who get very calm when angered will tell you our responses get just as uncomfortable a reaction from those around us as your yelling does for you. That is simply showing your emotion, not giving yourself over to its control.

_____________________________

Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 34

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 6:10:30 PM

masterofdrkness2

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I guess I am like you Calla I see a temper tantrum as what a 2 year old does . kicking, throwing things,hitting what ever you see, screaming ( not raising your voice to a slightly louder level) screaming at the top of your lungs I can see that being one .

< Message edited by masterofdrkness2 -- 8/17/2008 6:11:40 PM >

_____________________________

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
(Pink Flyod)

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 35

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 6:21:20 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
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quote:

I'm getting the impression from some of these posts that what I call "loss of temper" (a rant, with the occasional bout of strident or raised voice) other people are calling a 'temper tantrum'. In the interest of clarity, what, exactly, are people calling a "temper tantrum"?

Same thing as 'loss of temper' for an adult.... semantics at play.

Any adult who threw 2-year-old type temper tantrum would have too many issues for me to deal with, in any kind of a relationship! lol

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 36

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 6:26:59 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

IMO it is essential to have a partner with whom you can work on your weaknesses. Compassion and understanding are preferravle responses to rejection. When people tell you "relationships take a lot of hard work, THIS is what they are talking about (well, this and children).

I think you're right - it's just that when it's a temper, someone who is quick to anger, on a regular basis ... that sort of issue is very difficult to deal with, and could be frightening from a submissive's point of view. If the person that controls them who flies off the handle often, it would make life difficult. Now if the Dominant concedes that he has issues and works with the submissive on those issues and they communicate, make progress, etc. ... more power to 'em.

The first Dom I met face-to-face had a temper which surfaced when I couldn't find the meeting location for our third date - the restaurant was hard to find, and he'd given poor directions. He handled this by yelling at me over the phone during several phone calls as I drove around. He was short on time and was angry that I wasn't where I was meant to be at the proper time. He made me a nervous wreck, something a little out of character for me. That lunch was the last time I spoke with him. I don't know if he had a temper or just thought it was 'domly' to act out that way. And I didn't stick around to find out.

quote:

Those of us who get very calm when angered will tell you our responses get just as uncomfortable a reaction from those around us as your yelling does for you. That is simply showing your emotion, not giving yourself over to its control.

I know exactly the kind of calmness during anger that you're speaking of, and yes, it is both chilling and attention-getting for me. But you are in control. Yelling, to the point where spittle is flying, feels like an attack of sorts to me, and definitely feels like the person is out of control. Which makes me want to get some distance between me and that person, which could be difficult in a D/s relationship.

Of course I've yelled in my lifetime - usually at my kids, and I usually apologize (unless they're really, really deserved it) because it shows I've lost my reasoning and temper when I'm in that mode. Rationality isn't in charge then - pure emotion is.

< Message edited by NeedingMore220 -- 8/17/2008 6:31:07 PM >

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 37

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 6:44:22 PM

MadRabbit

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I'm an intense, passionate person and with that tends to come a temper.

It's not so much a simple black and white question of "losing or not losing control of one's temper". I've never once physically lashed out or struck someone when I have gotten emotionally charged, but depending on the circumstances and stress, I have handled situations in a much different and stupid way then I would have handled them if I was in my normal logical state of mind.

One of the things I have had to learn and slowly get better at is not fueling and feeding the emotion and just letting it go and avoiding action. I'm naturally stubborn and hard headed and don't like to back down when I am being challenged, particularly by other alpha types. This just leads to escalation and continues to fuel my anger until it becomes rage.

Overall, I don't consider myself to have a problem with my temper, because such incidents can be counted on one hand, but still I am very much aware of who I am and what I am capable of.

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(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 38

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 7:03:45 PM

sweetnurseBBW

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With someone that continually throws temper tantrums then I see that as a sign of immaturity and ineffective coping. That can be worked on but if they are not willing to change than then I probably won't stick around.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 39

RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/17/2008 7:50:37 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I was just reading a thread about submissives with a temper.

To me, temper is a negative. It instantly leads me to think of temper tantrums and insecure, out of control, behaviour. Something that is, to me, a huge weakness of character.

Not to confuse anger with temper. Anger is a natural response, but again to me, temper is an immature and negative way of handling temper. A big negative.

I am a HUGE advocate of communication. I want to know the what's and why's and how's of solving the problem. A temper is not condusive to that. It only alienates and throws up walls. Puts people on the defensive.

I am curious what other's points of view is on this. Is there a difference in anger and temper to others? Do you feel there is ever a good time to have a temper tantrum?

Talk to me people!

My family is somewhat famous for our temper as is many Celts. Having a temper is nothijng to be ashamed of for temper is part of us and is the emlement of Fire in our nature. However it is how we handle our temper and anger which matters.

I am a voical person when my temper is fired up and the entire neighbourhood will know that I am displeased. I direct my temper at the subject ot issue in a voice which would make any one of Nelson's officers proud but I do not target an individual. The act of venting my displeasure lasts a few seconds and clears the decks of flim flam and clears any accumulating pissed off feelings and so leaves the area ready to start looking at fixing the problems.

IB
(The incorrigible, irrepressible and irreverent Bear)

< Message edited by IronBear -- 8/17/2008 7:51:11 PM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 40

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