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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/19/2008 8:14:16 PM   
jim64


Posts: 86
Joined: 10/21/2007
Status: offline 		My father had an extreme temper/anger problem. I had this problem when I was younger. It lasted into my mid-twenties. Learning to control that was one of the greatest things I have ever done. I can still get angry, but I do not lose it and do stupid shit. Learning a little Zen had a great effect.

A Dom/etc that could not control their temper, has a problem. I would consider this a weakness. I would not wish to play with someone that had these issues.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 7:29:17 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b


quote:

ORIGINAL: honour3

How can a Dom have control of a sub if he does not first have control of him self?

Self Control is a must in any life style and especaily if you are in a position of responsability like a Dom is.

If you cant control your self you do not belong in a Dom position.



Speak for yourself. I feel the same can be said about submissives. Any relationship is a position of responsibility on both sides and both should have control, not one, both. It's also called self-discipline.

And guess what? Doms make mistakes, sometimes they're weak, sometimes they misunderstand, they cry, they burst out laughing, they have bad days, and..... they're human.


NICELY said, stella...points that too often get forgotten.

I have the ability to feel anger and to display a temper.  I've spent a lot of time learning to control both and learning to express my anger appropriately.  But if you think that every time I correct you, whether it be emotionally or mentally or physically, that it is coming strictly from a place of cool and calm and clear, then you are living in a fool's paradise.  Any more than you are coming from a place of calm and clear and cool when you say something to your dominant that you should not have said or do something you should not have done.  And I would be willing to bet that holds true for most of us.

If you want a dominant that is not passive-aggressive, if you want a dominant that is full of life and passion and emotion, if you want a dominant with the courage to face reality and not run from it but not allow it to run him over or send him scurrying, if you want a dominant with the balls to stand up to you and control you as well as nurture you and guide you and care for/about you, then expecting that same dominant never to display bad emotions as well as good emotions is not only demanding, it is unreasonable.  Expecting to be able to fuck up because you are the submissive and laying it off on the dominant to have control of you and your behavior and your emotions...as well as his own...at all times, is blatantly unfair even within a D/s dynamic.  I state it in my profile and I will state it here...if you want fair, then BE fair and remember that, just like you, he IS human.  He thinks, he eats, he sleeps, he eliminates and he FEELS.  If you want him to be patient and understanding with you when you mess up and forget yourself, then be patient and understanding when he does.  Hopefully, if he is the kind of dominant you are seeking, he will control himself better than you control yourself and he will understand that this is the way it is a great deal of the time.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 8/20/2008 8:20:42 AM >

(in reply to stella41b)
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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 8:43:01 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		CD,

Great post.  Anger is a sign of a deeper issue.  In my case some deep insecurities I hadn't seen that a long distance relationship seems to highlight.  Which is good because if I can see them I can work on them.  However, doesn't make it fun for the person on the other end.

I am far from perfect, I have my talents but being Mr. Perfect isn't one of them and I can be reactive and when I get reactive I get angy and lash out.  I rarely do that anymore but rarely is not the same as never.  However, I also quickly realize it and work to fix it and unlike in my past I do not get angry to use the fear a 6'2" bear like can invoke to control my partners.

Unfortunately, that reactivity and the insecurity behind it prevents me from being able to step back and use my skill as a talented dominant to analyze and deal with the very problems that most need to be deal with in a constructive way. 

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 8:47:45 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


Anger is a sign of a deeper issue. 


I do not agree with you. Anger is a normal, natural human emotion. If someone tells me they do not get angry, or do not have a temper, I am going to head in the other direction.

How is anger is handled is another story...


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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 9:02:48 AM   
girlivy


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Getting angry is just another choice one makes towards a situation. As humans we all have the ability to get angry, however, the CHOICE is ours to allow the anger to manifest in a good or bad way.  ONLY for myself i can speak here, and say that i am rarely if ever angry. i may not like things, but getting angry over whats going on just seems a waste of good emotion... As far as it being a sign of weakness, NO, i do not think so, it is just lessons not learned Yet......I have a very strong belief that Karma takes care of injustices, and love does conquer all. .... A dreamer? You betcha! but oh so happy :)

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(in reply to sirsholly)
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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 9:08:10 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: girlivy

Getting angry is just another choice one makes towards a situation. As humans we all have the ability to get angry, however, the CHOICE is ours to allow the anger to manifest in a good or bad way. 


exactly. Anger in and of itself is not a bad thing. In fact..it can be a good motivator for change. Anger becomes a negative when it is used that way.


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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 9:12:46 AM   
SimplyMichael


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Status: offline 		Anger isn't a core emotion is what I was refering to.  Something else is the root cause.

(in reply to sirsholly)
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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 9:16:33 AM   
vield


Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with your point, sirsholly.

Anger is an emotion. Emotions are facts in human life. Anyone who claims not to have emotions is one who it will be difficult for me to believe.

Now in my own life, I have found three emotions to be very corrosive to my own emotional health, and so I work hard on recognizing and controlling these three when I detect them. Anger is one, jealousy is another, and guilt is the third.

It is not possible to eliminate emotions, they are going to turn up as they do. However I can and do control the influence these emotions have over me. I try not to give, to take, or to to harbor any of these three.

Jealousy was not that hard, for when I got into kink the only contact for meeting new folks was swinger's publications. If one wishes to play with committed couples, one must not allow jealousy to influence your thoughts.

Guilt was harder, because I was raised catholic with guilt as a major factor of life. LOL, there should be a 12 step program, but I managed to get control of that too.

Anger is the hardest to control, for I am a very passionate person with strong feelings and strong emotions, and thus anger can be difficult to deal with when it happens. And it WILL happen, there are too many non-consensual evils in this world to avoid it entirely.

So I control my responses to anger, and try to keep my mind open to many points of view.

I certainly feel that those who can not keep control of their own emotions do not have a future trying to be in charge of others, whether in politics, in the work place, in the bedroom or in a kinky dungeon party.

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As always, your mileage may vary!

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(in reply to sirsholly)
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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 10:06:11 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Anger isn't a core emotion is what I was refering to.  Something else is the root cause.


I fail to see this as a bad thing, Michael. Anger always has a root cause, or a trigger. One example i can give personally is someone parking in a handicapped space who is not handicapped. I was married to an amputee who needed those spaces and it greatly angers me to see an able bodied person hogging the space (there is the root cause).
It is what i do with the anger that is the issue. If i were to run up to them and physically drag them back to their car then the anger would be to the negative. If i call mall security or the local police it is anger used to the positive.
The bottom line is anger is a normal human emotion that will give you a bleeding ulcer if denied. The choice we make is how we channel it.


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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 10:24:22 AM   
SuchAGirl


Posts: 27
Joined: 8/3/2008
Status: offline 		I think as a Domme I have a responcibility to keep my temper in check. The minute I let my anger get the best of me I have lost control. My sub is putting themself (and thier safety)in my hands and I simply can not let that happen.
 
It's natural to get angry - it's all in how you handle that anger. 
 
- Lady J

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 10:43:16 AM   
UR2Badored


Posts: 506
Joined: 2/3/2007
Status: offline 		Fast Reply~
I do not view temper as neccesarily a bad thing.  I equate temper with temperament. Every one has one with varying degrees.  Though I would not want someone who had to find a new job each week because one walked off the job because of one's temper.  I dont think many people I come in contact with are of that extreme. With a healthy does of temper comes a healthy dose of passion and with it someone who stands up for themself and others.  If I wanted a stepford Dom, I would order one from robots.com.  I want a vibrant human being who has flaws and one who can accept mine.  

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/20/2008 10:47:58 AM >

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/20/2008 9:19:17 PM   
PoppaLarge


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/31/2008
Status: offline 		 
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Anger isn't a core emotion is what I was refering to.  Something else is the root cause.


I fail to see this as a bad thing, Michael. Anger always has a root cause, or a trigger.


I agree....the anger that you have to worry about is the one that doesn't appear to have a trigger.

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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/21/2008 12:28:40 PM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline 		A temper, like any other trait, is just a convenient excuse not to like someone that you've already made up your mind about.

People will forgive anything if they're attracted to someone, and people will nit-pick anything if they aren't. Trying to figure out what the "good traits" are in a dom/sub are ultimately futile - if one has to ask, the answers probably won't help anyways.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/21/2008 12:41:40 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

A temper, like any other trait, is just a convenient excuse not to like someone that you've already made up your mind about.





A temper is ones response to anger. That said...i do not need an excuse not to like someone. And if i do not like them...it is highly unlikely my energy is going to be used tossing a hissy fit in their general direction.


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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/21/2008 12:46:49 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Anger isn't a core emotion is what I was refering to.  Something else is the root cause.


Every emotion that exists has something that triggers it. By this standard, there is no such thing as a "core emotion" -- there is nothing that a human being "feels" where that feeling does not have some cause, and, in turn, bring about some effect.

Anger is just anger. It is just another emotion. It is neutral. It exists, just like joy, affection, hunger, need, anxiety, lust... it is how an emotion is handled and expressed that determines the impact/effect of that emotion on others around -- but the emotion itself is without judgment... it just IS.

Calla Firestorm


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(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Dominants with a Temper......sign of weakness or not? - 8/21/2008 12:55:03 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

A temper, like any other trait, is just a convenient excuse not to like someone that you've already made up your mind about.

People will forgive anything if they're attracted to someone, and people will nit-pick anything if they aren't. Trying to figure out what the "good traits" are in a dom/sub are ultimately futile - if one has to ask, the answers probably won't help anyways.



I would have to call bullshit on this. People generally start out on neutral territory with me. The more traits they have I find endearing, the more I like them....as time goes on that either waxes or wanes depending on the qualities that pop up I either like or I don't. All too often, things go downhill rather quickly. Then again I am not overly fond of most human beings.

I do not nitpick, people do well enough at making fools of themselves without me wasting time and energy enough to find it.

As far as forgiving anything, definate bullshit. I could direct you to several people that I still love dearly, but will not allow in my life on a constant basis, because of some negative characteristics I don't want in my life.


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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
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