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Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/17/2008 6:49:10 PM   
OutlawBlue


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/17/2008
Status: offline 		Hi

I have a question or three that may sound ridiculous but I need to know.

Lately I've had a lot of fantasies about being submissive. That said, I love to control but I'm at complete odds with myself with these thoughts. And yes I've tried Switching with a dominant but it didn't feel right. I tried it in the past and it didn't work well either, though it did have a much better feel than it has lately.

I think it may have had something to do with the person I switched with, we had no connection. I rather felt as though I copped out with playing with her but thats another story. Switching doesn't seem to fit my comfort zone and better than subbing. It could be that its hard to find someone I want to switch with.

The problem is, do all dominants go through this or is it me? I read some where that we all have fantasies that we act on but don't act on others. Am I wasting my time with this exploration or making a mole hill out of it?

I like being me but this is very annoying.

Blue
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/17/2008 7:31:53 PM   
AdamTaylor


Posts: 57
Joined: 8/15/2008
Status: offline 		It could simply be that you have a desire to sub to someone... but as with any Dom/sub relationship... it won't just work with anyone.
You have to find someone you truly connect with.

(in reply to OutlawBlue)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/17/2008 7:57:12 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Blue,
quote:

  It could be that its hard to find someone I want to switch with. 


You know the answer...

(in reply to OutlawBlue)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/17/2008 8:42:28 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Keep trying, you'll figure it out. An don't find yourself annoying, it'll be therapy next.

(in reply to OutlawBlue)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/17/2008 10:52:56 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I know lots of people who are Dominant all the time, yes enjoy bottoming as much as Topping. I know people who like to switch role, too. Some switch within one relationship, taking on both roles with the same partner...and others who only feel on kind of energy with one person and so they have other people in their lives for the other energy.

Have fun exploring!

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to OutlawBlue)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/18/2008 3:36:48 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I'm 100% butt-kicking Dominant whose never "suffered" from submissive fantasies - so it's *you* rather than everyone else.... ;-)
 
Just to digress (we bad-arse Doms do that), I find it interesting (and funny) when the accasional elitist egghead finds their way onto BDSM sites and puts up a Dom profile because (I believe) they equate Dominant to superior etc and they proceed to rub everyone the wrong way with their arrogant ignorance before storming off in a frustrated huff.  This is not at you but an observation that many an ignorant lifestyle novice sees "Dominant" as being management or officer material and an opportunity to start at the top just by ticking the "dom box" in a profile.  Point is that for many of us (not me; I'm all DOM), how we like to see ourselves is at odds with who we really are....
 
There's no malice in your words but saying you like to be in charge is at odds with what your gut/conscience/feelings/whatever is projecting here and to yourself.  One of my favourite sayings is that "water always finds its own true level" and you're discovering that about yourself right now.  Or the alternative is to live in denial ("...not just a river in England, Miyah" - Nina Van Horn). 
 
Your instincts and fantasies don't lie to you - stay tuned....
 
Focus Uberious.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to OutlawBlue)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/18/2008 6:05:51 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		OutlawBlue, first I would like to applaud you for not being afraid to post your question.  You risked being ridiculed in order to find your own truth, and I admire that.

When I first joined CM I was 100% Domme.  I had a lot of Doms write to me and tell me that they had a secret submissive side that they would only explore with a Dom.  It can be very hard to switch with the same partner because it can lead to confusion and blurred lines in the relationship.  Most of these men considered themselves to be about 95% dominant but once in a while wanted to let go of the reins and have someone else take charge.  Face it - it is a lot of hard work to always be directing things and looking out for the welfare (physical and emotional) of your partner.  You need to make sure that they are getting some enjoyment or feeling of fulfillment or they will simply walk away.  At the same time you are trying to make sure that you get what YOU need from the relationship.  Depending upon how much of yourself you put into it, it can be exhausting.

In my case I realized that I wasn't getting the fulfillment that I sought.  I was trying so hard to make each session something special for my subs that I wasn't getting much pleasure beyond knowing that I had gotten into their minds and hearts and was giving them better experiences than they ever expected.  I explored my own submissive side and realized that I am truly a switch.  I do not switch with the same partner.  My Master allows me to Domme certain subs that meet His approval, and I ask His permission each time.  He is even having me train a novice Dom which means that I have to switch back and forth during each session with him going between the role of trainer and the submissive participant. 

You are not being untrue either to yourself or to the brotherhood of Doms if what makes you happy is to sometimes take the bottom position.  If anything, it may give you insight as to how to be a better Dom because you have the view from the bottom.  You may better understand the importance of communication, you will see what it takes to earn trust, and may learn some fun games along the way. 


_____________________________



(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/18/2008 6:28:53 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Could it be you have a desire to bottom and not submit? I know many Dominants who do and its quite common.

Good luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to OutlawBlue)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/18/2008 7:04:13 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Lately I've had a lot of fantasies about being submissive. That said, I love to control but I'm at complete odds with myself with these thoughts.


Your issue is with words not observable behavior. A casual look at the threads will point to a fact that is clear. Being 'submissive' does not stop you from being "in control". In fact you'll see that many submissives indulging their fantasies maintain all control; making sure that no facilitating sensation provider, often referred to as a dom, exceed their limits.

You crave the attention and sensation wanting to be sure never to experience anything you don't want to, find uncomfortable, embarrassing, or humiliating. At least not outside your control to say "enough", just remember the magic word; the universal one is "red". Christ would be alive today if he only could think of it living out his crucification fantasy.

So go ahead and indulge your fantasies, it isn't at "odds" with anything. 

(in reply to OutlawBlue)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/18/2008 11:53:58 AM   
bipainsubguy


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/8/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for the thoughts everyone.

This one was a provocative thought Merc.

Two things I have observed, submissives tend to bend to me and dominants  assume me to be dominant. Ofcourse thats in the real world.

Something that dawned on me last night was that, I seem to get bored with the search for the ideal submissive sometimes. Not that I dont think they exist but I like to keep from repeating past mistakes in what I look for and any I make.. It also makes me wonder that sense I have not yet found what I want, perhaps I attempt to switch or sub to cheat the search for what I want and try to live on the submissive side of what I want. I can't say its been a complete cheat when I do because I do learn from the experiences, especially in the areas of technique.

That sounds more than odd I suppose but consideing  I admire the more extreme dominants and thats what I also look for when switching, it seems pertinent. But likewise it seems pertinent to what I look for in a submissive.

One thing I factor in is what I've heard called the imbalance of submissives men to dominant women. I dont know that actual statistics but there do seem to many more submissive men. I only bring it up because I think that some of them if not many could be trying to be something they arent because they've not found what they want on the other side.

I will consider your idea, if nothing else while browsing submissive behaviours in the forum I may find one I like.

I hope my uniform is presentable.

< Message edited by bipainsubguy -- 8/18/2008 11:58:57 AM >

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/18/2008 11:59:48 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Do you want to submit or do you want to be topped? Because there's a difference. Sometimes my bad foot hurts and I want him to rub it. That just means I want to receive a sensation, it doesn't mean I want to be in control.

But if you are into exploring your submissive side, then just as exploring your dominant side means you need to find the right person, so does this. Some people can switch with their partners, others prefer to dom one and sub to another.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to bipainsubguy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/18/2008 4:45:00 PM   
Paulnz


Posts: 411
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I'm 100% butt-kicking Dominant whose never "suffered" from submissive fantasies - so it's *you* rather than everyone else.... ;-)



Kiwi Doms are more uber Domly that aussie ones.


(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/18/2008 7:28:35 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OutlawBlue
…fantasies about being submissive.
…[reality] I love to control but I'm at complete odds with myself with these thoughts.
…tried Switching with a dominant but it didn't feel right.

The problem is, do all dominants go through this or is it me?
Am I wasting my time with this exploration or making a mole hill out of it?
I like being me but this is very annoying.

Pretty much everyone has already said it but let me just bag it up in one reply. 

If you “didn’t like switching with a Dominant” but, you still have “submissive fantasies” and “love to control” you might be a Dominant that likes to Bottom/Switch.  You probably won’t know until you try it with a Sub Top/Switch. 

When I first discovered BDSM it took me a year of vigorous exploration to find my niche.  The exploration wasn’t a waste of time imo.  It’s worth the annoyance because, it usually takes longer to discover what you need than it does to get it once you know.   
                                                                                        

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to OutlawBlue)
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RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/18/2008 7:45:07 PM   
HeavansKeeper


Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		<QR>

I'm a dominant who finds the idea of submission or service sexy. While I take great pleasure in being the alpha of the home, I do get that submissive itch. Happens about 1-3 times, every 2 months. Usually its satiated with some fantasy and masturbation which creates large amounts of play material for Pet. Sometimes, I go out of my way to serve people (usually women). This often includes My Pet and the house slave. They don't really notice, but I do. I'll become something of a service top, which fills my "need" to serve.

Being dominant, which overlaps being a top, is quite demanding. Sometimes, I'd rather eat cookies and watch Science channel. Two lovely slave girls can be sapping to work with, mostly I do it for me. Sometimes I do it for them.

Its worth exploring. Remember, there are more ways to be submissive than finding a woman to beat you up.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/18/2008 8:22:40 PM   
E2Sweet


Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OutlawBlue
...do all dominants go through this or is it me?...


I'm right in the middle of working through this situation myself... So, yes it happens.

Its not easy for me to wrap my head around it either. I'm not all that used to viewing women as dominant in terms of a relationship or in a D/s situation, so I'm feeling a bit like a slightly confused noobie... But, I'm trying to use my head and draw from my experience on the high side of the kneel to try and learn more about where this all came from.... and where its going to end up...

I'm still working it out, I just don't have many answers at the moment...


_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to OutlawBlue)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/19/2008 3:30:50 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Paulnz

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I'm 100% butt-kicking Dominant whose never "suffered" from submissive fantasies - so it's *you* rather than everyone else.... ;-)



Kiwi Doms are more uber Domly that aussie ones.

Maybe in the All Black's front row (dammit) - but I'm personally wayyyyy more manly/macho than any of those blouses, anyway!
 
Focus. 

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Paulnz)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/19/2008 3:48:50 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

So go ahead and indulge your fantasies, it isn't at "odds" with anything. 

Hmmm...., an itch you can't scratch?  *wink*
 
Focus. 

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/19/2008 11:49:19 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

(not me; I'm all DOM), 
Focus Uberious.


Thank god

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/20/2008 4:02:38 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

(not me; I'm all DOM), 
Focus Uberious.


Thank god

Talk's cheap, girl - if you really meant it, you'd be flying over here to give me a back rub and cook dinner.     back atcha....
 
Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dominants with submissive fantasies - 8/20/2008 4:31:10 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		naaa never had the urge to submit.  Not in this lifetime.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 20
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