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An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 4:14:04 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		I often hear things like............................
'Mike and his sub will be attending'
'This is miss harsh and her slave'
'Oh you know her, peter's sub'
Words spoken that lead me to believe sometimes a sub /slave is only seen as an extension of the Dom / Domme.

When i go out to a munch, club etc and chat to Dom's / Dommes and subs /slaves, i often feel with the sub / slave i am only really getting to know their public / protocol sides. Could the same be said of Doms / Dommes~? Yes probably but i feel it is far more noticable in the s types.
 
Even here i sometimes see the s type referred to as an extension. For example i quite often see the line 'KoM and his girls'. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this per se and certainly not having at go at KoM or alandra or Kyra. So please don't flame me!
 
Where has this come from? Well a few years back i was involved in a poly relationship. There was myself, a Dom and two other subs. I really didn't have much to do with one of the other subs but i did spend a lot of time with the Dom and his primary partner. I got to know the other sub (or thought i had).
 
Then things went pear shaped and i left the poly arrangement. In the aftermath (it was a rough spell), i spent time with the Dom and Sub together and seperately trying to repair damage that had be done. Trying to form some kind of friendship with them. In the time i spent alone with the sub i felt i had now got to know the real person, not the extension of the Dom.
 
Bring it on a couple of years and the Dom and sub have now split up. I hadnt maintained much contact with the sub to be honest in this time. Now we are in regular contact and it appears getting to know each other all over again. She has become her own person and im finding i adore her. She is no longer what i would call an 'extension of her Dom'.
 
Was just wondering how others view what i have observed?
Am i wrong, am i picking up something that isn't there?
Just looking for others points of view in general really.

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 4:21:38 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Being "an extension of" does not negate being your own person. We are all "extensions of". I am my parents daughter, my kids mom. I was my ex husband's wife. I am my Sir's girl. My bosses employee. My siblings sister. My teacher's pupil. None of that takes away from me being my own person.

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~erin~

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 4:35:42 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Being "an extension of" does not negate being your own person. We are all "extensions of". I am my parents daughter, my kids mom. I was my ex husband's wife. I am my Sir's girl. My bosses employee. My siblings sister. My teacher's pupil. None of that takes away from me being my own person.

This was pretty dead on and close to what I would have said; only Erin said it much nicer

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 4:44:08 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Argh i wasn't negating anyone.
I was merely trying to ask if becoming an extension of someone is always healthy. As i stated in my op i got to know three versions of the same sub. Two as being extensions of her Dom and one as herself.
 
Hope this makes it a little clearer

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 4:50:35 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Argh i wasn't negating anyone.
I was merely trying to ask if becoming an extension of someone is always healthy. As i stated in my op i got to know three versions of the same sub. Two as being extensions of her Dom and one as herself.
 
Hope this makes it a little clearer

Well...I guess it's really in how you want to look at it. As Erin said...you are an extension of someone all your life; and I don't see anything unhealthy in that. On the other hand though, I guess that if you begin to identify ONLY as an extension of another, that could lead to being unhealthy.

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 4:51:39 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Argh i wasn't negating anyone.
I was merely trying to ask if becoming an extension of someone is always healthy. As i stated in my op i got to know three versions of the same sub. Two as being extensions of her Dom and one as herself.
 
Hope this makes it a little clearer


I wouldn't say healthy or unhealthy really comes into play...it just simply IS. I think that whenever we are an "extension of" we don't lose any of  who we are in totality....but there will be those who will only get to know us by that aspect. The rest is always still there for anyone wanting to know us further.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 5:16:34 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		I don't think it is always healthy or always unhealthy.  Frankly I see it as something that depends upon who is known and who is unknown.  A good friend of mine may introduce me as XXXX and her Master XXXX and that doesn't specifically make Master an extension of me.  When we go places where Master is the person known, He is introduced first and I as His slave or girlfriend or friend or cumguzzler, it doesn't matter.

When my son started high school he was dismayed to be "[my daughter's name]'s brother" and that lasted until my daughter and her friends graduated.  It really is just about who was known first, or who rsvp'd to the event, etc.

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 5:39:19 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		MY girl is My property. she isn't so much an extention of Me but her behaviour will and does reflect upon Me. There is no time off from Our Dynamic, no time where she doesn't belong to Me. Wether I am present or not she is still under My rules and is accountable to Me.

Part of why she chose this lifestyle in the firstplace is that she is more free to be herself within the control of another, she is slave, it comes with the territory. she is happier, more content, more secure.... more herself as Mine than if she where free.

The other side of that is that within My Dynamic she has room to express who she is as a person... it is just within limits, My limits.


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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 5:51:44 AM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

I was merely trying to ask if becoming an extension of someone is always healthy. As i stated in my op i got to know three versions of the same sub. Two as being extensions of her Dom and one as herself.



I think I get what you're saying.  I think it's fine and healthy unless the person becomes so wrapped up in her role and being the extension to allow her own self to shine through.

It's kinda like in vanilla dating - a girl will meet a guy who she digs, and then suddenly she *loves* everything the guy loves - she suddenly is into football, wears jerseys and drinks beer and only wants to do activities that he enjoys - rather than remaining true to herself and also enjoying what she's always done.  Her 'self' seems to disappear a bit, her star is less bright, because she's suddenly her boyfriend's extension.  There's nothing wrong with learning to enjoy what the man you love does, but there's sometimes a line crossed where the girl seems to morph into a stranger.  

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 6:02:24 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		missturbation, you say that you now adore this sub.

That's perfectly fine if she didn't have enough time/attention for you to know her when she was owned.  But if she became a different person and one that you prefer, I would say that there may have been something wrong in the dynamic between her and the Dom,  If anyone is a better person single than in a relationship, the relationship may not be healthy.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 6:06:13 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

quote:

I was merely trying to ask if becoming an extension of someone is always healthy. As i stated in my op i got to know three versions of the same sub. Two as being extensions of her Dom and one as herself.



I think I get what you're saying.  I think it's fine and healthy unless the person becomes so wrapped up in her role and being the extension to allow her own self to shine through.

It's kinda like in vanilla dating - a girl will meet a guy who she digs, and then suddenly she *loves* everything the guy loves - she suddenly is into football, wears jerseys and drinks beer and only wants to do activities that he enjoys - rather than remaining true to herself and also enjoying what she's always done.  Her 'self' seems to disappear a bit, her star is less bright, because she's suddenly her boyfriend's extension.  There's nothing wrong with learning to enjoy what the man you love does, but there's sometimes a line crossed where the girl seems to morph into a stranger.  


Yes !!!!!!!!!!!
Said so much better than i said it lol.


_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to NeedingMore220)
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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 6:08:18 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

missturbation, you say that you now adore this sub.

That's perfectly fine if she didn't have enough time/attention for you to know her when she was owned.  But if she became a different person and one that you prefer, I would say that there may have been something wrong in the dynamic between her and the Dom,  If anyone is a better person single than in a relationship, the relationship may not be healthy.


Agreed and this is what i was trying to address however clumsily in my op.
 

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 6:33:25 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		IME it's just as common to say "This is Jane, Sam's dom"

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 7:46:08 AM   
AdamTaylor


Posts: 57
Joined: 8/15/2008
Status: offline 		Well, I believe that a slave should still have her own life and friends and interests.
Of course she would learn all of mine. Any good slave would.
But that doesn't mean she has to lose her own identity. In fact, I actively seek a slave with a mind of her own. I encourage her personal growth.

She serves me, and her actions reflect on me. As well, her skills, her knowledge, all benefit me... which benefits us both.

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 8:17:56 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		It depends on the status of the one you are being assimilated by.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 8:29:53 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Argh i wasn't negating anyone.
I was merely trying to ask if becoming an extension of someone is always healthy. As i stated in my op i got to know three versions of the same sub. Two as being extensions of her Dom and one as herself.
 
Hope this makes it a little clearer


I think it can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on the mindset of the individuals involved. In general, as Erin pointed out, we are all 'extensions' of the interconnected people in our lives. It only becomes a problem if a person allows those extensions to define hir to the point where there is little or nothing of hir own personality showing in hir life.

As long as we retain our self-identity, even if it is only to ourselves, we are in no danger of being "lost" in our associations.

Calla Firestorm


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 9:03:28 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

I often hear things like............................
'Mike and his sub will be attending'
'This is miss harsh and her slave'
'Oh you know her, peter's sub'
Words spoken that lead me to believe sometimes a sub /slave is only seen as an extension of the Dom / Domme.

When i go out to a munch, club etc and chat to Dom's / Dommes and subs /slaves, i often feel with the sub / slave i am only really getting to know their public / protocol sides. Could the same be said of Doms / Dommes~? Yes probably but i feel it is far more noticable in the s types.
 
Even here i sometimes see the s type referred to as an extension. For example i quite often see the line 'KoM and his girls'. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this per se and certainly not having at go at KoM or alandra or Kyra. So please don't flame me!
 
Where has this come from? Well a few years back i was involved in a poly relationship. There was myself, a Dom and two other subs. I really didn't have much to do with one of the other subs but i did spend a lot of time with the Dom and his primary partner. I got to know the other sub (or thought i had).
 
Then things went pear shaped and i left the poly arrangement. In the aftermath (it was a rough spell), i spent time with the Dom and Sub together and seperately trying to repair damage that had be done. Trying to form some kind of friendship with them. In the time i spent alone with the sub i felt i had now got to know the real person, not the extension of the Dom.
 
Bring it on a couple of years and the Dom and sub have now split up. I hadnt maintained much contact with the sub to be honest in this time. Now we are in regular contact and it appears getting to know each other all over again. She has become her own person and im finding i adore her. She is no longer what i would call an 'extension of her Dom'.
 
Was just wondering how others view what i have observed?
Am i wrong, am i picking up something that isn't there?
Just looking for others points of view in general really.


Being the extention of another has been going on since the begining of civilised relationships.

Women were always Mrs Allen Laursen, or Mrs Tim Robinson. This is not a BDSM thing, it's a world thing.

Heck my ex husband got called by my last name more then once. It just is a fact of life.

because alot of my more distantly challenged friends have not yet met Master, they refer to him as "akisha's guy, or akisha's Master"  It doesn't mean they are any less a person, it means that is how the speaker connects to the person.

It ususally is referenced in regards to whom the speaker knows better. If i am more well known, then Master would be referenced as "well you know, akisha's Master"

In circles where Master is more well known, the reference would be "Well you know, Allen's girl"

I personally don't see it as a big deal personally

Tho I admit to finding it funny the look my ex got on his face when called by my maiden name lol



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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 9:11:38 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		echoing Needing's post

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RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 9:27:31 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		i understand what you are talking about very very well. My best friend and i spoke 3 times a day every single day while she was in a 26 yr vanilla relationship. Yet now that shes married and prior to that, living with her Dom...i really only know this other woman...his sub. There are suddenly things that we no longer talk about and times when i can not reach her, as when he is home, her focus is soley on him.
i am soo incredibly happy for my best friend. She deserves every bit of time she can get with her love. But i miss my friend and i really dont have the same connection to the girl she has become....an extention of him. In fact, some of her personal beliefs, political ideals and other opinions that i had burned into my psyche for 20 years of constant friendship have changed for no other reason than to align more with his thinking. Fine. Honestly. But comeon....i never pegged her for a girl to abandon her friends when shes in a relationship. Which she has not done...completely.
So, dealing with a person especially a submissive woman, who is in a relationship, and dealing with her when she is single are two separate things and i fully grasp what you are trying to say. Its not in your head. It happens. Consider it this way...if youre friends with her in the relationship and outside of it...you get 2 friends for the price of 1....what a bargain.

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And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

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Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: An extension of................... - 8/21/2008 10:03:27 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you stay in contact with her, and she forms a new relationship, you will see a different version of her. All these parts are real, but different facets are brought to the forefront by different people and circumstances.

I know people who are super organized at work yet the opposite at home. I'm not going to say that one is the true person because I don't believe that. I believe that both are facets of the same person.

If I start a friendship with someone and become their regular bridge partner, yet stop playing bridge when she moves away, it doesn't mean that I was pretending to be interested in bridge. It just means that she brought out my interest in it, and without her as a partner, I don't want to pursue it anymore. In a d/s relationship, which frequently can include personality modification, you will see even more different shifts. He may have not liked her tomboy side and suppressed it, the fact that she now owns tons of jeans doesn't negate her former closet full of girly stuff.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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