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paperdollie -> references (8/22/2008 9:29:07 PM)

is it ok to ask to speak to potential Dom's former sub(s)? what if He refuses? would this mean He is hiding something or just private? is it best to go on my own instinct?
i am so full of questions and self doubts... afraid i will make mistakes... big ones. so i apologize for all the questions. i am just feeling my way around.



Leatherist -> RE: references (8/22/2008 9:32:34 PM)

Let me put it this way-they are generally exes for a reason.

And it's not always the Dom who is the "abuser".



kyraofMists -> RE: references (8/22/2008 9:34:17 PM)

What do you expect to learn from the former partners?

Do you personally (face to face) know these people?

Do you know their character?

Do you trust them?

Basically, what value do you expect to get out their reference and can you actually trust the perspective you are getting?

Knight's Kyra



mbes -> RE: references (8/22/2008 9:38:09 PM)

I wouldn't ask to speak to a man's ex-anything. Too much chance that there's some bad blood in which case you may not be getting any information that's valuable, and really, they DID split up.
I'd be much more inclined to want to meet his family and friends, although there's an even better chance of bias. At least it's more likely to be GOOD bias. [:D]
If I were in the looking stage, I'd be searching out a life-partner who is interested in what I'm interested in. The "rules of the hunt" would likely changed if I had a different type of prey in mind. [;)]



tsatske -> RE: references (8/22/2008 9:38:46 PM)

Some will disagree with me, here is my take on it.
Part of it depends on what you want and expect. Part of it depends on the claims he makes.
If you want need or expect him to be active in the local community, then refrences should work.
If He claims to be active and involved in munches and other community groups, to have decades of experiences, ect, then he should have some refrences.
Refrences are not just random exes who can be expected to have bad things to say about a person. They are hand selected by that person.
if a Dom says he has been in the lifestyle for decades, has had dozens of slaves - and he can't provide a single refrence, i am feeling hinky about it.
also, if you mostly want to know about his being locally active, there is no reason that refrences MUST be exes - they could be friends from a munch or other group.
I do not mind newbies. I don't mind people who have avoided local lifestyle - i like local lifestyle groups, but not everyone does. these people i would not expect to have refrences. My main concern is rather what they say rings true to itself.



paperdollie -> RE: references (8/22/2008 9:40:59 PM)

i was speaking with a Dom earlier and He seemed to think it is pertinent to speak to the former subs. says it will help to determine the type of Master He would be to me. so i thought i would throw it out there and see what the general consensus isn't



NumberSix -> RE: references (8/22/2008 9:45:23 PM)

sometimes yes, sometimes no...
and you really can't go beyond that, it is not a positive lemma; afterall.

Ron



tsatske -> RE: references (8/22/2008 9:47:05 PM)

remeber, these are hand selected by him. so, you are not going to hear a lot of negitive stuff.
but, i think it says something that he stayed on good terms with some of his exes. And, yes, i think you can get some info on his likes, dislikes, expectations, ect, so you can consider rather he sounds like a match for you.



Jeffff -> RE: references (8/22/2008 9:49:40 PM)

one mans ceiling is another mans floor

if you can't trust your own judgment, how can you trust another's?

Norm Abram



paperdollie -> RE: references (8/22/2008 9:53:35 PM)

its not really that i do not trust my own judgment, i just really kind of am paranoid that i am goin to make a horrible choice. i am forever second guessing myself.



Jeffff -> RE: references (8/22/2008 9:57:58 PM)

Well stop it!!..

we are not special.......... we are not different. ok ,maybe we are different......

this has the  whole, "Castle Realm" feeling........... you know what you want., go and find it.

Belive in you... or prepared to be mocked

Jeff



E2Sweet -> RE: references (8/22/2008 10:01:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske
...And, yes, i think you can get some info on his likes, dislikes, expectations, ect, so you can consider rather he sounds like a match for you.


I can't disagree, but wouldn't it be wise to get his likes, dislikes and expectations directly from the source? Seems that would eliminate any chance of mis-interpretation if the info is coming from a third-party...

The only real value I see from talking to the ex's is to be able to ask them questions about his character and such, hear their answers, and in the process, try to read whether or not each ex is actually being honest. Basically, my point is that just taking the ex's words at face value isn't really of any.... value

Paperdollie, overall, I get the feeling that you are hoping to gather enough raw knowledge in searching for a quality dominant, and perhaps use that in place of the experience you may not possess at this time to circumvent dealing with dominants who are poorly suited for you. From my experiences with submissives, and my friends' experiences: To some extent, you're going to have to run the gauntlet of unsuitable dominants to get to one that's right for you. You may land the right one right away, or alternatively, it may be a long, hard journey. But it is what it is. There are no shortcuts. Just remember and use what you discover along the way, apply all the skills you currently have, and do the best you can do in searching and in measuring up the candidates. It also doesn't hurt to hope for a little luck in the process.





patina -> RE: references (8/22/2008 10:02:27 PM)

Greetings All:

I actually once did contact a Dom's last partner he volunteered her email address to me.  I talked with her but the problem was he had changed to be a different man since she last knew him.  I wrote her afterwards about the things he wanted me to do she was shocked.  When she heard how he was abusive to me she said he was never like that before.. 

She and i are still friends but i told him not interested.  We parted friendly but just not my style.  People change, and each have their own side of why they left the other too.  you could check the munch's in the area and see if any there know him.  That may be the best way to find out about him, or just give him time to show his true self.  Hope this helps.

patina



KyttynTheMynx -> RE: references (8/22/2008 10:02:37 PM)

What if these women are vindictive bitter women who say the worst possible things about him because they know he is an amazing man and they want him for themselves?

What about the chance that he has created sub profiles, and is answering on his own?

And the chance that he is really a good guy?  Its all a gamble.  Just take it all slow, see where it leads, and do what is right for YOU, and not what WE would do.



paperdollie -> RE: references (8/22/2008 10:02:49 PM)

you make it sound so easy.....

i am OCD lol..... i completely stress out. especially over a life change such as this

i will prolly post threads from now till i actually am found, asking "what do i do?"



YourhandMyAss -> RE: references (8/22/2008 10:04:51 PM)

It's ok to ask but it's also ok for him* in my opinion * to refuse. I'd refuse too. My x's don't need their life re interupted by people bringing up unpleasant pasts and stirring around the muck.

Like leatherists said they're an x for a reason, and it was probably a painful and unpleasant ending for all involved.

Also I never kept in touch with any of the x's I can't tell you wherre  the first dom I ever submitted to is now or what he's doing. I also don't know how to get in contact with the dom after that one any more. Why should I know how to contact them, they're ex's and they're in the past, and the past is dead and burried, as far as keeping in contact went.
quote:

ORIGINAL: paperdollie

is it ok to ask to speak to potential Dom's former sub(s)? what if He refuses? would this mean He is hiding something or just private? is it best to go on my own instinct?
i am so full of questions and self doubts... afraid i will make mistakes... big ones. so i apologize for all the questions. i am just feeling my way around.



Jeffff -> RE: references (8/22/2008 10:06:45 PM)

Read the quote that is your signature.................no guts, mo glory

Jeff



marieToo -> RE: references (8/22/2008 10:07:07 PM)

Have you met him yet?  If not, you can meet him in a public place, then you will be able to get a "feel" for him with little or no risk.



YourhandMyAss -> RE: references (8/22/2008 10:08:52 PM)

And that's why I wouldn't trust referances as far as I could throw them, because they were hand picked, and who*normally* in the hell would pick referances who wouldn't give glowing reports if they wanted to impress the new potential?

quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

Refrences are not just random exes who can be expected to have bad things to say about a person. They are hand selected by that person.



paperdollie -> RE: references (8/22/2008 10:12:10 PM)

i am already feeling a bit more confident in myself. you guys are nifty lol. seriously, i guess no one can ultimately make that choice but me. i just wish someone else would do it for me so if it is wrong i can not be held responsible hehe



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