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RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 10:51:34 AM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

I think it's good to advocate intolerence at times, as much as it is to advocate tolerence.

Too many people hide behind BDSM or D/s or some other thing to excuse their behaviors and actions. 



I completely agree with this. It has become a very come one, come all situation where if someone calls it BDSM you are an elitist if you don't agree. I don't always agree. I don't accept a pile of sh*t with a candied BDSM emblem on top as chocolate cake either. I wish people would stop trying to spoon feed others with their crap. Some people come with shovels, some come with the fine cutlery.

That was my rant.

Dolf

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 10:59:49 AM   
subbisherri


Posts: 109
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline 		Two things I can't stand: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch.
(Austin Powers in Goldmember)

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 11:01:15 AM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subbisherri

Two things I can't stand: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch.
(Austin Powers in Goldmember)


LOL... was that your rant?

(in reply to subbisherri)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 11:43:37 AM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

I'm more of a WOLVERINE MAN... into a lot of animalist clawing! 


Great, just friggin great... now I'm pissed off AND turned on at the same time...

Thanks a lot for the post *grumbles*

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(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 12:00:17 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
What about "subs" who pull the same sort of shit?
Do you really think being an asshat is linked to a particular role?


Some submissives pull the same crap, I will give you that one.   However, there appears to be an abundance of people under the DOM orientation label that are pulling this crap constantly.   I would go out on a limb and dare make the remark, that I believe more DOMs compared to submissives are guilty of this madness.

Just because of the nature of D/s dynamics and those who abuse often seek it out using power of some form.   Hence why some pretty fucked up people that pull these games are on the D side of the coin.


I would have to disagree with you there Chaz.  I would suggest that just as many, if not more submissives, pull crap but that less men whine about it.  For two reasons - one men do not complain quite so much as women and two, because men are more likely to not want to openly admit to others(save those they are really close to)that they have been dupped.
 
Women - and submissive types (including males) - in general - are far more likely to play the 'poor me' card than men.  You only have to read the forums to get that bit of information.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 12:39:13 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I would have to disagree with you there Chaz.  I would suggest that just as many, if not more submissives, pull crap but that less men whine about it.  For two reasons - one men do not complain quite so much as women and two, because men are more likely to not want to openly admit to others(save those they are really close to)that they have been dupped.
 
Women - and submissive types (including males) - in general - are far more likely to play the 'poor me' card than men.  You only have to read the forums to get that bit of information.
 
the.dark.


I think, too, that part of the issue with those who present themselves as s-types and are really only 'users' is that there is a difference in expectations. Many of the d-types who are looking for someone are -looking- for someone that they can take care of... so having an s-type who drops into the d-type's life and who wants to be 'taken care of' while they take the d-type for everything xhe has sometimes gets put off as "what were you -expecting-... of -course- xhe wants you to do everything for her... you -are- the d-type, right... that's your -job-... and what is sad is that, even when a d-type has been very clear in saying "I want someone who is more of an egalitarian partner." or "an s-type with me will be expected to have a job, etc." the d-type sometimes begins to question hir own expectations: "Maybe I'm not being -realistic-, and I really -should- have planned on taking all of this person's baggage on."

The thing that we need to remember is that these mock s-type users are not truly s-types... they are -also- predators, and prey on the exact same thing that the fake d-type-users do... on people who are hungry for their desires and needs to be met, and are willing to take something that seems too good to be true on face value, without having anything in place to protect themselves.

In a way, it -does- bother me more when it happens to an s-type... only because it is true that the s-type's expectations are different and there is really no way of explaining away a drunken, lazy bum as a "misunderstanding in expectations"

Maybe it's a shame that we have to put up these kinds of protections -- but I don't think so. I think it is part of learning and teaching the responsibility of being in relationships, and how to deal with them as cognizant adults who have ultimate responsibility for their own lives and happiness. Honestly, it happens in the Vanilla world, too -- and not a lot less often (this coming from someone who provides pastoral care to battered spouses of both genders).

Calla Firestorm


< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 8/23/2008 12:40:04 PM >

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(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 12:40:20 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Power dynamics in a relationship come with the inherent risks intrinsic to the parties involved.  If either of the two are unstable, there is the potential for great harm.  That being said, there is a tendancy for like to attract like in this regard.

I prefer to see a level of self awareness that suggests, "Hey!  This person hurt me.  How can I improve myself to keep it from happening again?"  When I see that, I can honor the pain because it is producing needed change.  I can be angry that someone exploited another's weakness, but in the end self-accountability works better.

Yes, I hate there are folks out there giving D/s a bad name, but I hate it equally from both sides.  I advocate gaining as much personal durability as possible before bringing others along for the ride.  I was not in a good place when I first started dealing with my desire to begin this journey.  I chose to step back and deal with myself first.  I have dealt with absolutely NO nasty emails, met with NO unsavory characters, and so far have absolutely NO regrets for how I have proceeded.  I took and continue to take responsibility for myself.

I have met with some strange questions and situations along the way from others, but find that my personal experience is not at all the big bad scary ride I was expecting.  I have had to change my criteria for meeting or corresponding on occassion, but made those adjustments and did not whine about the consequences of having not had the right standards in place prior.  I learned, I adapted and will continue to do so as I find the need.  No one is perfect nor will they ever be.  I can only try to make myself better and, in turn, bring the right people to my door.

Abuse of power make me ill just like it does most of us here.  I just hope there is some wisdom in the old adage, "Physician heal thyself".

Just a brief opinion on not enough caffeine!

lovingpet

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 2:00:23 PM   
LadySilver0523


Posts: 99
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2
OMG, you mean you don't realize who I am?


I'M THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH



I love you! : heart : High five!


_____________________________

Um... What's going on??... Am I ALWAYS the last to know??

Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

The means justifes the ends ... Not the other way around


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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 3:23:19 PM   
softhearted


Posts: 21
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline 		What's even worse than having run into a predator is seeing him on the prowl again and not being able to warn anyone. Not that running into a predator is fun at all. :(

(in reply to LadySilver0523)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 3:31:53 PM   
LadySilver0523


Posts: 99
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline 		Personally, this is what i'm afraid of. How can you ever really know if you can trust someone? And the sociapaths (sorry, know i didn't spell that right...)  and the users and the ones that ruin your life... All of them are scary. I guess you just have to hope for the best. i mean, when i dated my boyfriend back in my senior year of high school and i told my parents that he lived in Pensylvania, i rationalized it by saying that just in so much as he could be a cerial killer or a freak, so could the guy next door. You never really know. So i guess the same applies here. Except... In my opinion it's much worse. There's so much more potential to get hurt especially if you've been talking to this person for a while and they know you're likes and dislikes. They could really fuck you up in person. Beat you to a bloody pulp, kill you, choke you to death, stab you with needles, cut you up, or blow your head off. It's not something i like to think about. But it happens. *shudders*
But as for the doms being more of the lame asses than the subs, i'd have to say that i would IMAGINE that it's about even keel there. That's all i have to say about that.

If you guys don't see me around for a week or two it's because i'm getting my computer fixed so just bear with me.

Much love,
Silver


_____________________________

Um... What's going on??... Am I ALWAYS the last to know??

Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

The means justifes the ends ... Not the other way around


(in reply to LadySilver0523)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 3:35:34 PM   
wellysub


Posts: 11
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		I just want to say that I think vanilla or D/s situations that take on an abusive dynamic are really complicated - and it is all too easy to say "don't put yourself in that situation" or "Don't stay in it" or "what did / didn't you do to allow this to happen."

I don't believe it is just or responsible to blame victims for the wrong doings of an abuser - it is the same faulty logic that says someone asks to be raped because they flirted / got drunk/ walked home alone / wore a short skirt etc .

I feel open and non-judgemental dialogue needs to be had in all communities so that this behaviour is not tolerated, and that there is awareness around the fact that it can happen.

I wonder if perhaps those in a D/s lifestyle are more reactionary about the power / abuse issue sometimes - because there are a lot of  misconceptions from the outside of what this lifestyle is about.

For me there is a world of difference between my Dom using me for his pleasure (which gives me intense pleasure of course), and being used full stop.

(in reply to LadySilver0523)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 3:51:07 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I was waiting for the blame the victim outcry to begin.  That was not at all my point.  I made it clear from the start that, in general, the issue begins with two people who are not well suited to a power exchange dynamic.  I am not saying horrible things cannot randomly occur in otherwise innoculous situation.  Any person who becomes the victim of another deserves justice and support.  My point was that in the aftermath,  I prefer to see someone brush themselves off and build themselves up better than before.

For example, if a victim becames such while drunk, he or she may decide to curb their drinking habits in response.  The crime was no less heinous, but the victim is taking back some level of control over his or her own life in such a way that is therapuetic to feeling safe once again. Mind you this was only an example.  Sometimes, there seems to be nothing that could be done differently; it was horrible and random.  Still a person may find ways to take back in one way or another.

If we are starting with two healthy people, they are not engaging in this foolishness in the first place.  One healthy person in a relationship is often enough to stop things before they get out of control.  Not always.  This post, as I read it, is not directed at random violence, but at those who knowingly stay long term in a bad situation.

I place the blame at the door it belongs, with the one doing these terrible things.  There was self contradiction in the idea of promoting awareness in the communities and not wanting to make people responsible for themselves.  If this type of education is offered, it is still only going to be taken up by those proactive enough to bother, the same that were likely not a high risk to begin with.  The victim is just that, a victim.  I would hope we would all embrace such people and help them recover from victimhood to stability and strength.

lovingpet  


(in reply to wellysub)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 4:00:27 PM   
softhearted


Posts: 21
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline 		It's all too easy to see in retrospect what one should have done or seen. When you're living it, it's quite another thing. Just because someone is vulnerable or (in retrospect) too gullible doesn't justify abuse. It's too damned easy to say "you should've known better".

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 4:24:17 PM   
wellysub


Posts: 11
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		I wasn't refering directly to your post,  lovingpet - in my post - it was rather my opinion  on the topic as a whole.

In saying that - I wasn't talking only of random acts of abuse, but long term situations too - I simply drew a parallel between this sort of abuse and rape in relation to a "blame the victim" mentality.

I will say that in a vanilla, long term past relationship - I stayed - in the face of horrendous abuse - even though at the start of this relationship I was eductated, intelligent, assertive, well adjusted, confident, and happy.

I was in no way "unhealthy" or "foolish," it was simply not what I had anticipated, and it was very gradual - I liken it to that anecdote about the frog in water - if you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out, but if you heat the water slowly, the frog will sit and boil to death....by the time I knew how bad it had become, I was so fucked up I didn't know what to do or how to leave.

For me one of the greatest challenges in leaving was worrying about how I would be judged - as foolish, as a victim, as unhealthy, for not realising, for not leaving.

I also think the very fact of dialogue being had - is good, and valuable - not neccessarily specific education on the topic, just awareness and understanding through shared experience.





(in reply to softhearted)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 4:53:35 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wellysub

I wasn't refering directly to your post,  lovingpet - in my post - it was rather my opinion  on the topic as a whole.

In saying that - I wasn't talking only of random acts of abuse, but long term situations too - I simply drew a parallel between this sort of abuse and rape in relation to a "blame the victim" mentality.

I will say that in a vanilla, long term past relationship - I stayed - in the face of horrendous abuse - even though at the start of this relationship I was eductated, intelligent, assertive, well adjusted, confident, and happy.

I was in no way "unhealthy" or "foolish," it was simply not what I had anticipated, and it was very gradual - I liken it to that anecdote about the frog in water - if you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out, but if you heat the water slowly, the frog will sit and boil to death....by the time I knew how bad it had become, I was so fucked up I didn't know what to do or how to leave.

For me one of the greatest challenges in leaving was worrying about how I would be judged - as foolish, as a victim, as unhealthy, for not realising, for not leaving.

I also think the very fact of dialogue being had - is good, and valuable - not neccessarily specific education on the topic, just awareness and understanding through shared experience.







My condolences for having gone through what you have!  I have been there and back and go with many people on that journey on a daily basis.  Often it is a gradual process that erodes what was once a stable individual, as it was with me at that particular time.  I did have to stop and figure it all out later.  There were warning signs I missed or ignored, there were areas in me on which I placed to much dependence when I really did not have the skill, ability, or strength I thought I did.  This came after much soul searching and professional assistance, but it was necessary for me to pick up the pieces and become whole, and better and wiser for the journey, again.

Walking away is the hard part.  Entering the gates again is one thing only the person can decide.  I am glad you came to the other side able to carry on.  Best wishes!

lovingpet


(in reply to wellysub)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 5:03:00 PM   
Briena


Posts: 196
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline 		My friend has a child and puts her child first, as should any mother... Well she had a Dom tell her that her daughter would learn her place in the relationship... She said "Yeah her place is first and foremost above yours" and left it at that.  I have found that in this lifestyle there are a lot of "Dom/mes" that are just abusers trying to find a way to abuse rather than have a real D/s relationship.  Thats part of the reason why it makes it so hard to find a real relationship with anyone in the life.  Dating is hard, but I think dating someone in this lifestyle is harder.  Just my thoughts though

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/23/2008 10:49:04 PM   
wellysub


Posts: 11
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		thanks lovingpet - and the same to you.

I wonder if it is harder dating /negotiating a healthy relationship in the lifestyle versus out of it.

All of my "bad" experiences with partners / lovers have been in vanilla situations - I feel as if more time has been spent explicitly discussing the terms and boundaries within my D/s relationships - so it has been clear where we were both coming from, whether we were compatable, and what we expected.of ourselves and each other.

I'm not saying there aren't abusers in D/s / BDSM - I'm damn sure there are, but more prevalent than in vanilla dating / relationships ? I don't think so, personally. and at least in my experience the opposite has been true...



(in reply to Briena)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/24/2008 11:16:46 AM   
Briena


Posts: 196
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline 		I once had a Master who I waited for to come home from Iraq.  I made every effort to come down to him to see him because I cared so much for him.  At first he was working really hard on trying to figure a way out for me to visit... Then it just stopped.  I wondered what was up... It turned out he had sex with this "Friend" who was a swinger.  Then tried to lie about it.  Well didnt try, did, and when I found out he tried to get angry at me as though I had done something wrong.  NOT A GOOD DOM!  I mean where does he get off trying to tell me that Im in the wrong because I caught him in a lie, because I caught him cheating.  Whatever LOL!  Loser.

(in reply to wellysub)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Dom Horror stories - 8/25/2008 6:39:02 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the submissives and even Dom men
Vowed never to start a fat thread again

Mary had a little submissive male
Her folks thought she was crackers
Anytime she wanted her sub would come
And she would... have fun with CBT

Georgy Porgy Pudding and Pie
Hurt some girls and made them cry
When more girls came he decided to switch
And cried because he was their bitch

Pussy cat, pussy cat where have you been?
I met a Dom on Collarme and had a nice scene

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
..The things you've got to say for these vanilla folk

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(in reply to Briena)
Profile   Post #: 59
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