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Safety nets and safe calls - 8/23/2008 3:58:11 PM   
mystiquenz


Posts: 330
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline 		I am sure this topic has been discussed many times before, but how many subs are still meeting new doms out of town with whom they have not met before and haven't made contact with a local group or a local dom or a local sub to where they are travelling to ensure a safety net has been put in place?
 
Case in point:
I was speaking to a sub who is 8 hours from me.  Involved in the local community.  He has a sub friend whose visiting a dom in my city.  How good is a safety net from 8 hours away?  What good am I to my sub friend if he receives a distress call when I don't know the whereabouts of the visiting sub friend? 

Ok so this young lady had a safety net in place but in my opinion, it was not functional should she not be happy and want out.   
 
Thankfully she has made two calls this weekend to say she is safe which were relayed onto me but still ... it pays to think a little bit past your immediate back yard doesn't it? 
 
What do others think?

_____________________________

blessings
~mystique~
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/23/2008 4:05:08 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Being I have a child my "safety net" if you want to call it that is the fact that my child always knows the address of where I'll be and I call her to always check up on her..plus my friends are always calling me and asking me what I"m doing and where I'm going.

If I have a hot date they'll call me and ask tons of questions :P

This whole idea of safety nets really to me is kinda ridiculous. I mean by the time you call someone and they arrive at certain place given, you'll be dead. No one's gonna be able to really save you. I think it's a false comfort.

(in reply to mystiquenz)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/23/2008 5:03:32 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I break such "rules" all the time, as do the subs and switches who have played with me, and for a long time I had a policy never to post that information on these boards, because I know people read what I write and often take it seriously.  I changed my position recently, however, because of a trend I've seen on these boards of ubersafety BS.

I've met a woman at midnight at a bed-and-breakfast, and we talked for five minutes and got busy.  Et cetera.  We both had fun.  I've got a cmail from her in my inbox that I feel a little bad about, because I haven't responded to it yet.  She has asked for another playdate, but the reality is that I'm looking for a relationship and she is not, so I have to prioritize my energies elsewhere.

Remember that the vast, vast majority of sexual assaults are perpetrated by people the victim already knows -- especially blood relatives and spouses.

I have a web site and a google footprint, and I am happy to send someone who is thinking of meeting me a scan of my government issued ID, and my address and phone.  If she wants references from some BDSM group, or other dorky things like that, I will move on.  I'm already willing to provide way more than someone gets on a vanilla date.  If she's afraid of her own shadow, she can find someone to cyber with -- and it won't be me.  There are plenty of women online who are genuine and looking.  I invest my time in people who are serious.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/23/2008 5:23:35 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I put whatever effort into safety as I feel I need.  Every non-play encounter involved absolutely no particular safety measures other than meeting in a public place.  That was enough to make me feel comfortable.  That may be more than some need and less than others need, but it was adequate for me.

On my one and only "play" encounter, we broke some of the "rules" if you will, but not all.  I put in place what I needed to feel I could continue with confidence.  We had not met face to face prior to that night, but we did have dinner prior to going private.  I brought someone along with me, not just for safety as there were other matters to handle that involved this individual.  Other than having that person check in on us from time to time, I did nothing else out of the ordinary.  Perhaps I am lucky and he was not some psycho out to kill me, but I believe this to be far more rare than the paranoia.

Safety is a matter of personal perception rather than a set of standard practices.  All safety procedures are susceptible to failure, so are more for comfort than actual protection.  Nothing replaces taking the time to know someone well and trust them to be who and what they say they are.  Of course, this is only my opinion and one that has worked out for me in the few instances I have determined someone worth meeting.  Play safely by the definition that best suits you!

lovingpet


(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/23/2008 8:06:49 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's not really.  But I don't endorse safe calls, so it's not an issue for me.  I'd say letting someone you know FOR REAL where you're going, a number to reach you and generally when you'll be home is reasonable enough- that's the basic procedure I learned growing up in my family and it's kept me well so far.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/23/2008 11:52:06 PM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		Did people not meet before the internet? Hell, I went home with guys years ago, and didn't worry so much as seems to be the fashion now.
Let someone know where you're going, and when you expect to be back, and you're better off than many of us were 25 years ago.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/24/2008 12:04:40 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well there is some change to risk factors- availability of easy and fast transport combined with anyone meeting anyone from long distances without the closeness of knowing your turf.  But, it's the same process and same judgement.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mbes)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/24/2008 2:50:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Neither of us were involved with our local groups. I had no safe calls. I took my time and got to know him first. Old fashioned way of dating, I know.

But then I'm old enough to remember meeting a guy at a party and going home with him knowing nothing more than his first name. Oddly enough, my own instincts proved fine back then also. After all, I'm still here.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/24/2008 2:59:59 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I've travelled overseas to meet, not knowing ANYONE else in the Netherlands except the guy I went to meet.  I had a name, copy of his passport, cell #, and an address.  Safety net? my neighbor had my return flight info so he could pickme up at the airport.

Personally, I trust my gut. 


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/25/2008 8:07:25 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I did not have a safety net when i first met my Master, but i insisted we meet in a public place.  My standing rule is to never play on a first meet. After 2 months of talking in the phone and 16 hours of talking(face to face) after 3 days i knew i could trust him.  I trusted my gut and was proved right.  My gut is pretty relaiable.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/25/2008 8:24:15 AM   
Plumpinthefatty


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/11/2008
Status: offline 		Usually I have someone know what I am doing,even if its the basis idea, trouble with me most of my close friends live about 2 hours from me, so even if something did happen they wouldn't be able to do anything. When I meet someone most of the time I go with my "piggy" instinct, that is why it takes me awhile to meet anyone on here being I need to feel in order to make sure they are good for me before it leads into real time

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/25/2008 9:21:57 AM   
burntcynder


Posts: 34
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		“If she's afraid of her own shadow, she can find someone to cyber with -- and it won't be me. There are plenty of women online who are genuine and looking. I invest my time in people who are serious.”

I don’t think that being cautious on a first meet is an indication that someone is afraid of their own shadow. And why would it reflect on being genuine?  I personally would be concerned if a Dom insisted on my taking their word that they were “safe”. If I take the time to insure my own safety by insisting on a safe meeting, check on the back ground of said Dom, and spend the time to get to know this person well, I believe that would make me serious indeed.

I never meet someone for the first time alone. (safe calls are not safe enough) I carefully check into the individuals back ground. And spend adequate time getting to know them. If a Dom isn’t at least as concerned for my safety and well being as I am, and encourage me to proceed in a cautious manner they simply are not for me.

I am worth the time I invest in my safety.


cyn

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/25/2008 9:27:49 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I always meet someone alone the first time, unless the plans were made for being at a bdsm venue.

I trust my gut.

If I trust them enough to meet them in the first place... *shrugs*

it's all about what you're comfy with.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to burntcynder)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/25/2008 9:31:06 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I believe if someone cannot take care of themselves then they shouldnt get into a situation. The only safety net I ever advise any friends of mine to have is a first meeting in public. beyond that, nothing is "proven" to help one way or another. Safe calls can fail, you call and THEN something happens. What happens if whever you go has no reception for your cell phone? Does anyone still carry an emergency quarter to make a call anymore? What exactly is someone you call supposed to do, if you miss you call? They cant legally do anything, and chances are if the 'bad guy' who made the friend miss th call in the first place is really intent on doing something wrong, they arent going to be staying where the 'bad guy' knows they told people they'd be.
Common sense is about the only reliable safety net. Beyond that, as others have said, we have been meeting people for a long time before the internet, before safe calls and text messages and cell phones and updates and amazingly we have survived.  I think sometimes some people take the dea of safety precautions overboard. I prefer a realistic outlook to a false sense of security. If you are really that concerned about your safety, take a few self defense classes so that you an honestly protect yourself if someone gets aggressive. A good kick to the crotch if someone tries to harm you still works, with or without training. Carry a small hairspray can in your purse (or pocket for guys) and if someone is trying to come after you, a spray to the eyes will definately stop that short.

The only safetynet that is surefire is one you carry on yourself. If you are depending on a phone call, even a closeby one, you are stll running the risk of something throwing a monkey wrench in the works.
DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to burntcynder)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/25/2008 9:31:59 AM   
FlamingRedhead


Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I've broken rules...some of them my own....but I've always had a safety call.  I guess I'm either damn lucky or just have good intuition.

_____________________________

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

(in reply to mystiquenz)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/25/2008 9:47:21 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Much like GT, I trust my gut.  And some basic fact-checking, including checking the sex offender registry.  After that, it's all the gut.



Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/25/2008 10:59:11 AM   
shivermetimbers


Posts: 2060
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline 		This sort of reminds me of a Halloween episode from Happy Days.  Howard is going through Joanie's goodies.  Mrs. C stops him from eating something unwrapped.  He says, "Marion, what's the big deal? These are our neighbors."  Marion replies, "Howard, people put all kinds of things in food, there are a lot of crazy people out there, so don't eat anything unwrapped."  Howard states, "But Marion, we gave away apples, and they weren't wrapped."  "Yes Howard" says Marion, "But I know we're not crazy."

Just like the Cunninghams, each person has their own level of trust in others. I think what each of us feels we need to or don't need to do stems from our general trust in our own judgement and what our comfort level needs to be.

Now I can't help but think about going through Joanie's unwrapped goodies.  Erin Moran filled many a teenaged fantasy for me!

_____________________________

I love you Deanna, you make every day a better day.

If we descended from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ3CJi0Ih9s&feature=player_embedded

http://www.thebuccozone.com/piratesong.htm

(in reply to mystiquenz)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/25/2008 11:18:03 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		I use safety calls, they've worked out for me quite well. 

_____________________________

HBIC



(in reply to shivermetimbers)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Safety nets and safe calls - 8/25/2008 4:26:52 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		  I've always had a safe call, but I have pondered the logic of that. If I don't answer my cell because I'm in a public place and don't hear it, the safe caller isn't really going to call the police. The same amount of safety could be achieved by having someone know where you actually are and who you're with.
  
  To be honest, I'm all for a little bit of self-responsibility here. While it's true that some shady people can be gallant and charming as fuck, there must be red flags when one goes out with a serial killer. Using common sense largely eliminates the probability that someone is doing to tie you up and bring you home and keep you in a pit in the basement (unless that's what you're looking for). I trust myself well enough not to get in the car or go someplace private with someone I'm not really comfortable with. While I'm sure there are those here who have been fooled, common sense had worked for me so far.


_____________________________



"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"



(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 19
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