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I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/23/2008 9:22:48 PM

TLTEDDY2

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/23/2008
From: ERIE
Status: offline

In my earley twenties,im am now 43,I devoloped a liking to spanking and bondage.I was involved in a few relationships where spanking,paddling and lite bondage seemed to be frequent.I married a woman who thought sex was done at night,under the covers with the lights off at the age of 29 and divoreced 7 years later.Now Im back enjoying my old ways but did not realize who or what I was until recently.I am a new DOM with past experience.My problem stems from not knowing the proper terminology.The difference between owenership, property a troll, a munch and collard.What do I call a sub/slut that has agreed to session with only me,and I have agreed to protect and instruct her.Would I be seen as her Master.
I was living this lifestyle for years before my marriage and want to continue now with the proper knowledge.I was lucky enough to talk with a female SWITCH with years of experience and she helped me alot,but need more imput on my responisablities as a DOM and the responisabilties of a sub,a slave,a master or mentor.

< Message edited by TLTEDDY2 -- 8/23/2008 9:36:52 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/23/2008 9:35:17 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Ownership, and property are pretty much the same deal. I own my car, it is my property.
Collard.. is a green which is cooked and eaten with a nice rack of ribs.
Collared <== note the word collar and the suffix ==>ed at the end indicating being the one who wears a collar.
Kinda like going steady, but with a kinky twist which many take very seriously as a committment to the person who gave them the collar.
And for some of us, collars are nice attachment points for play. If I was committed I wouldnt require a symbol, nor the idea of being owned to keep me loyal.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to TLTEDDY2)

Post #: 2

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/23/2008 9:37:49 PM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
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when u spank your car....does the car hurt more than you do?

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Post #: 3

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/23/2008 9:41:24 PM

TLTEDDY2

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/23/2008
From: ERIE
Status: offline

Thank you Missokyst....collard....geeeezzzzz

And faerytatoodgirl.....Thanks....Iguess...

< Message edited by TLTEDDY2 -- 8/23/2008 9:44:24 PM >

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/23/2008 11:01:46 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

I am a new DOM with past experience.

Actually, I'd more say that you are a new Dominant with some past kinky experience. Spanking, paddling, bondage ... those are all kinky activities. Being a Dominant to a submissive means a lot more than sharing kinks. You seem to be on the right track with this in wanting to learn about your responsibilities to your submissive, and vice versa.

I'd suggest doing a lot of reading on here, and looking up MasterFireMaam's posts or profile to look at her signature line, which contains a listing of recommended BDSM reading.

A troll is a poster, usually very new, who seems to post only for wanking material - asking very sexually pointed questions or being annoying in general.

A munch is a get-together of a local BDSM group, usually held at a diner or restaurant on a monthly or semi-regular basis as a social gathering. Fetish dressing is not done since it is usually held in public, and the topics can range from BDSM related topics to anything vanilla that you can think of. It's a social mixer, and some suggest it as a way to get out into your local community. Local communities often have classes and workshops also which you may find of interest.

quote:

What do I call a sub/slut that has agreed to session with only me,and I have agreed to protect and instruct her.Would I be seen as her Master.

Seriously, using the term sub/slut on a message board is rather rude - I am my Master's slut, no one else's. Just an FYI.

How can you agree to instruct a submissive when you're still figuring out pretty much the basics of all of this? And what is it you're protecting her from?

I'm a submissive, so obviously I can't speak from the Dominant POV. I don't know the type of questions that run through a new Dom's head - the kinds of things he has to figure out. I would suggest taking it slowly, don't rush into any relationships while you're still figuring out what it is you want out of the relationship. And again, look around here for some good discussions. There is a search button where you can look up virtually any topic you can think of and get tons of information.

Edited to correct something I read incorrectly.

< Message edited by NeedingMore220 -- 8/23/2008 11:03:18 PM >

(in reply to TLTEDDY2)

Post #: 5

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 5:48:48 AM

TLTEDDY2

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/23/2008
From: ERIE
Status: offline

Thank You NeedingMore220,
So would I be correct to say that if a sub commited herself to me alone ,than I am her Master.And that she is my slut(she wants me to call her that)but I shouldn't address her that way in a public setting.
My "instruction" if thats the right term,stems from me teaching her what and how to do the things that please me.What to wear to sessions and how to verbalize....or am I wrong there too.

(in reply to NeedingMore220)

Post #: 6

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 6:09:24 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TLTEDDY2

My "instruction" if thats the right term,stems from me teaching her what and how to do the things that please me.What to wear to sessions and how to verbalize....or am I wrong there too.

There are no rules to follow (other than SSC)...it is what works for each of us.

Relax and have fun!!

_____________________________

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TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
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(in reply to TLTEDDY2)

Post #: 7

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 7:06:50 AM

TLTEDDY2

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/23/2008
From: ERIE
Status: offline

SSC.....Sane,SAFE,Consensual....Right.....high five myself....see its the abbreviations that get me as well as some of the terms

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 8

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 7:10:21 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

There are no rules to follow (other than SSC).

Oh dont start that debate (RACK)

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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 9

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 7:11:36 AM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

Labels are labels. Some prefer being called Master, Daddy, or Dom or many variations. I know there was a recent discussion of Master/Dom and you might search the boards or look in the Ask A Master or slave/sub forum. For some there is a difference between Master and Dom and others there isn't. NeedingMore had excellent information. If you attend a munch you might find a mentor who can help you develop your skills.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 10

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 7:45:37 AM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

So would I be correct to say that if a sub commited herself to me alone ,than I am her Master.And that she is my slut(she wants me to call her that)but I shouldn't address her that way in a public setting.
My "instruction" if thats the right term,stems from me teaching her what and how to do the things that please me.What to wear to sessions and how to verbalize....or am I wrong there too.

Sorry - I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't call your girl whatever pleases you in public or private - slut, whore, whatever. You will find that those terms' meanings change for a lot of women when you put the word 'my' in front of it. In other words, 'my slut and I went to the store today' versus 'slut and I went to the store today'. The 'my' implies a lovely possessiveness which a lot of women would embrace. I'd blush if I told you what my Dom calls me. lol But he chooses to not do so in public - you certainly could do so in public, if you so wish. But when on a message board and in general referring to submissives - I wouldn't include the slut part. lol

Labels in a relationship should be defined by the people within them - submissive/slave/slut/Master/Daddy/Dom. These all mean different things to different people. A search on 'labels' will explain a lot more about this, but it's pretty simple. Pretty routinely someone will post asking, say, what's the difference between sub and slave or Master and Daddy. The consensus seems to be that it comes down to how the people within the relationship feel about it, how they relate to one another. There's no rule book - do what feels right and good to you both, but make sure you both understand. Some relationships are Dominant/submissive; some are Master/slave; some are Daddy/little girl.

Your instruction sounds right on the money as you explain it. I think a lot of relationships that work don't pay attention to what some people will say about how a D/s relationship should work (as though there were a manual somewhere) and just forge ahead themselves under the Dominant's leadership to do what works for them. Go with what feels good for you, keep her needs and desires in mind and communicate, and you should be good.

One area that you might need some instruction (and I don't know this for sure, depends on your experience) on would be how to use various implements/techniques on your girl. For example, there are ways to go about learning how to use a single tail, and I wouldn't advise practicing on her until you've become adept at it. Things like fire play, wax play, even how long clamps should stay on safely - before you do anything with her that might be outside your knowledge but sound hot, be sure you are well-versed and confident in your abilities. Again, a search on here can bring up a lot of information.

Lastly, one tip that always comes up on the boards too ... be sure you communicate with one another. It sounds like a simple thing, but so often problems within relationships stem from perhaps the sub feeling she can't open her mouth to ask her Dom a question or for guidance for fear of a bad reaction on his part. Or a Dom will feel it isn't 'Domly' to take the time to explain himself to his submissive.

< Message edited by NeedingMore220 -- 8/24/2008 7:49:47 AM >

(in reply to TLTEDDY2)

Post #: 11

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 9:04:55 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I wouldn't worry so much about all the words and definitions TLTEDDY. In the end, few if any of them have any agreed upon meanings anyway. You are whatever you are and so is whatever partner you hook up with. The words you two employ are meaningful to you alone. The symbolism such as collars etc. are meaningful to you alone. If you want, you can simply sidestep the whole thing and simply refer to yourself as a "dominant" and whoever you are with as either "a submissive" or "your submissive" depending on the nature of the relationship.

Insofar as your responsibilities... they go hand in hand with whatever authority you get. So you are responsible for any area of her life in which you've claimed authority. And yes, that means if you claim 100% authority, then you just bought 100% responsibility for the entire maslow's hierarchy for that person.... all the way up to self-actualization. In my opinion, as the dominant, you are also responsible for reasonable transitional work should the relationship break up (reasonable being the catch word there and highly dependant on the nature and duration of the relationship).

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to NeedingMore220)

Post #: 12

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 1:55:57 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Just one quick comment... when you play there is the Top and the bottom. Essentially, the Top does things to the bottom.

A D/s or BDSM relationship exists OUTSIDE the bedroom as well as inside. If the relationship is simply kinky bedroom play and equals outside, I would say it's not genuine D/s. However, I'm sure that there are others who will disagree with me...

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 13

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 2:43:38 PM

TLTEDDY2

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/23/2008
From: ERIE
Status: offline

This is all great advice and I thank you all for your comments...after 3 months of training a sub she said that she only wanted to have sessions with me.That she wanted me to be her MASTER.Thats when I started to refer to her as MY sub/slut (sorry NeedingMore220)....she likes to be called a slut,and loves being called MY slut in my profile..I show her great respect when we are out in public and only she can hear the comment....I then wrote in my profile on another site that she was my PROPERTY and I had OWNERSHIP.(She loved it and I was very proud to write it) I also wrote that she was free to TALK with anyone as long as they talked to her with respect and kindness.(She loved it)And any DOM wishing to ask her about meeting would have to talk to me before asking her.(She didnt care for that"I said that I have no interest in meeting another"was her reply)I wrote that I was her Protector......Well I recieved a message from an experienced Female SWITCH that told me ..Property and Owenship was the equivalent of a marriage...."would you marry someone you only knew for three months" was her question to me....Now is that basiclly true Im alittle confused... If she is my PROPERTY and I have OWNERSHIP...should I deny her the right to talk to other DOMS and deny meetings?Should I just not be using these terms even if training takes place in and out of the bedroom.Does this mean that I have to stop training other subs...AM I "HUBBY" Please GOD NOOOOO.If so does anyone know a good bdsm divorce lawyer?

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 14

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 2:52:32 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

lol 'good bdsm divorce lawyer....'

If the two of your are comfortable with what you call each other... and you're both comfortable with the dynamic as it is (and will become)...

be happy :) Learn each other, laugh, have fun! Don't worry about what others say.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to TLTEDDY2)

Post #: 15

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 3:12:46 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I own my car, it is my property, and support it, care for its needs, I own its papers, yet, it owns no part of me other than to keep me secure within its doors when I enter it.
I have driven other cars. I have allowed others to drive mine on occasion.

Whether or not you wish to deny her the right to talk to others is up to you. Whether she chooses to accept those limitations is up to her.
Cars have no rights. People, slave or not, have the right to choose unless they have been incarserated.
What you two do together doesnt have to be that hard. Go with what works.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: TLTEDDY2

Well I recieved a message from an experienced Female SWITCH that told me ..Property and Owenship was the equivalent of a marriage...."would you marry someone you only knew for three months" was her question to me....Now is that basiclly true Im alittle confused... If she is my PROPERTY and I have OWNERSHIP...should I deny her the right to talk to other DOMS and deny meetings?Should I just not be using these terms even if training takes place in and out of the bedroom.Does this mean that I have to stop training other subs...AM I "HUBBY" Please GOD NOOOOO.If so does anyone know a good bdsm divorce lawyer?

(in reply to TLTEDDY2)

Post #: 16

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 3:21:05 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Whether or not you can play with other women as well as her depends on her. If she's fine with it, then you can. If she finds that to be something she cannot and will not do, then you'll find yourself without her.

Some of us are monogamous. If you knew ahead of time that you aren't ever going to stop looking for other women, then you should have made this clear upfront. Waiting until she commits to you to spring it on her is lowdown and unethical. Some women are fine if their men play/sex with others, and some aren't. Ask before you get into a relationship and that way you won't waste anyone's time nor hurt people unnecessarily.

If all you do is meet for play/sex once or twice a week then I'd call you fuck buddies. But dominance requires a lot more than that IMO.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

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Post #: 17

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 3:52:48 PM

blacksword404

Posts: 2068
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline

I'm imagining a commercial in which a guy goes out to his car for work and the car locks it's owner out. The radio turns on and the car tell the man to go away, he will no longer drive her because she can smell his buddies porche he drove the night before.

< Message edited by blacksword404 -- 8/24/2008 3:54:51 PM >

_____________________________

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Tu fellas magnus penum meum...iterum

Genuine catnip/kryptonite.
Ego sum erus.

The capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn a skill, the willingness to learn a choice. Dune HH

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 18

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 3:53:39 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

LMAO

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to blacksword404)

Post #: 19

RE: I HAVE ALOT TO LEARN - 8/24/2008 4:03:34 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

...If the two of your are comfortable with what you call each other... and you're both comfortable with the dynamic as it is (and will become)...

be happy :) Learn each other, laugh, have fun! Don't worry about what others say....

...and if I may, don't accidentally kill her or anything. When you do stuff to her, know what you are doing or wait until you do know what you are doing. There are many sources to finding out how to do stuff without having it go terribly wrong. Books, videos (bdsm instructional, not porn), internet sites (a grain of salt applies often), ect. Asking questions is good too.

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 20

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