He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (Full Version)

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AAkasha -> He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 12:18:35 PM)


Ladies, have you ever been contacted by a sub here who clearly has a big fetish (that does not match your own), but he tells you "oh it's not really a big deal, I can live without it, I really want to get to know you."  For example, his name is something like "subluvs<fetish>", his interests are scarce except for those in the interest, his profile is about this fetish, and his few journal entries focus on it.  If he writes to you (talking about this fetish) and you respond to him that you think he's interesting but you have no interest in that fetish and never will- and he replies, "oh, it's not that important to me, I can live without it.." do you take that as fibbing?

Subs, are you able to get rid of your bigger fetishes completely (if you have one), for the right domina?

Akasha



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 12:26:50 PM)

At best, I take it as he wants to keep the door open, he wants to make a positive contact with someone to start a conversation.  At worst it's fibbing.  Depending on whether it's the former or the latter, I either have the impulse to want to cheer him up or to end communication. 

My limited experience with this scenario is that the person brings up their interest later (ha!  though sometimes not *much* later!), as if I will now be interested in AB, CD, etc ... [EFG?]

Mss



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 12:44:53 PM)

If it's so important that his entire approach to the lifestyle is based on it, to say he can live without it is dishonest.  Either he's lying to me or to himself.  If he could really live happily without it, he'd have other interests listed -- including vanilla ones.  When they say they don't really have to have X fetish, it sounds more like they're going to be the type to use whining, guilt trips, passive-aggressive behavior, or otherwise try to pressure me into fulfilling their desires.  Not gonna happen.



Steponme73 -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 1:13:14 PM)

If he is that involved with his fetish, I can assure you he will never live without it.



DMFParadox -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 1:23:18 PM)

Even if he is... it might be worth it.  Depends on the fetish and the quality of the guy, and a profile really isn't that much to go on when judging things like that.

Transpose he with she, and I've been there.  Very good sub overall, hot sex, and she had a fetish that was her big fetish, that I was not interested in myself.  We broke up for completely unrelated reasons, and honestly, her fetish wasn't that big a deal when it came down to it.   If we'd been together longer, I was already preparing to reward her with it, but things didn't get that far.

Thing is, her entire profile is pretty much dedicated to that fetish.  She too said that it wasn't a critical thing when the subject came up, just like your sub did.  I vote to give him a shot if you generally like his style in other ways.



E2Sweet -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 1:25:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


...are you able to get rid of your bigger fetishes completely (if you have one), for the right domina?...


Well, I suppose that would depend...ahhh... ummm...  probably not... [:)]

I can't imagine being OK with going though this whole process of finding someone, and in the end, never being able to give a major itch a good scratchin'...

To me it sounds like perhaps you've bumped into someone whose overall level of patience is less than his desire to submit to someone.

Uggh, Edited for grammar this time... I'm not on my game today...[:D]



tsatske -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 1:34:46 PM)

I was ready to give up what most people probably think of as 'Lifestyle' - if the relationship was right, and He was in control. I was not about to give it all up without trying to convert Him, I'll admit. And I feel very blessed to be owned by one who is more into the whole ball of wax than anyone in my past ever had been. But, yes, i would have given up a LOT of things - lifestyle social life, events and ect; public play at parties, dungeons and conventions; being beaten at all; being disciplined and punished; ect, ect. -
IF he was willing to be a true head of household and be in control.
So maybe what you need to ask is - what is it that is fundemental to him? What is it that he could NOT give up? What's the - as some people say - Bare Minimum?

I will mention - based on your OP - that it is important to me, when talking to anyone that I am considering - that they be able to talk about and show interest in a wide variety of things that have nothing to do with lifestyle, BDSM, or sex in general. They don't have to be the SAME interests as I have - but there has to be a passion for life in general that extends beyond the lifestyle and the bedroom. But that is just me - part of my 'Bare Minimum'.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 1:44:12 PM)

I was contacted the other day by a guy who signed himself "XX in panties".  Welllll.......no thanks.  There were other issues with what he wrote, and I was in the snark zone, so I wrote back and explained how we picky women like to deal with PEOPLE, not fetish collections.  I got the saga of Oh the fetish is No Big Deal.  [8|]

Please.  I have been down this road.  If the fetish was no big deal, you would not mention it, sign your name with it, or send an email to a lady whose profile you haven't even read.  I know that *I* would not give up my favorite activities, why would I reasonably expect someone else to? 

This is not to say that Sub XX is not a cool person, and that I might not become friends with him---it IS saying that I don't believe that he can or will happily give up a fetish for a STRANGER, that it's just a ploy tossed out there in desperation, frustration, or whatever "-tion" motivates these guys. 



littlesarbonn -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 2:01:52 PM)

I don't think my fetishes (although I don't really have that many) go away when I find a dominant. However, they can be suppressed if they're something she's not into, and I'm actually into her. But there's really only so much that can be all that great about her (to me) if she's really not into anything I am.



MysticFireTopaz -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 4:12:59 PM)

I would be leery of a sub who seemed very focused on a fetish that is not one that I enjoyed.  I don't think I would believe him if he said he could live without it if his screen name incorporated the fetish and his profile and journal entries were all about that fetish.
 
More commonly what happens to me is a sub will do an interest search, get a hit on one of my many interests, and want to focus specifically on that fetish.  For example, foot worship.  Sure, I love foot worship, but would become bored very, very quickly if that were the only thing on the menu.  I think there is the possibility of things working out if I happened to enjoy his core fetish and he was willing to explore other things.  If his core fetish was a hard limit for me (e.g. adult baby), I don't see things working out, regardless of what he says.  I'm not going to willingly enter into a relationship that I don't see working out in the long run. 
 
Lady Topaz



TNstepsout -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 4:21:46 PM)

Yes I have come across it, and no I don't believe him. I generally assume that he's hoping he can convert me into someone interested in his fetish and I feel his focus would be on that goal, not on really getting to know me. Fetishists are just plain irritating in their single minded obsession with their fetish. I steer clear of anyone who displays any form of fetish focus in their nic/profile/journal etc... 



jim64 -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/24/2008 7:33:54 PM)

My "fetish" interests are not that big in my relationship. "Latex, piercings, and tattoos" are not part of her repertoire. If you take the definition of fetish as something you must have, then pain is all I need. In that, she supplies me. I don't see pretending/fibbing to be an option I would pursue. "Well, if she was a tall, latex clad, pierced, and tattooed goth kinda chick",  Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I would at least like to talk to her. If my Ms did not like that, then she can do as she will........

jim sometimes bad



malloves69 -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/25/2008 1:34:04 AM)

couldnt live without my anal fetish [:)] i hope me and my mistress can grow old together [:)] can see it now ..when im 70 my mistress will still be fisting me ,,,maybe even past her elbow [:)] and i will still be writing about it how great it feels [:)] gosh i hope i dont get hemmirhoids ,,,sp check --lol ...51 years young and still having fun ..mal ...geez 19 more years of being fisted and strapons ..maybe by then more guy subs will be writing in and saying how great it feels to ..to let a woman have her way with your ass when shes in the mood [:)]..have fun ..mal



seababy -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/25/2008 2:17:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: malloves69

couldnt live without my anal fetish [:)] i hope me and my mistress can grow old together [:)] can see it now ..when im 70 my mistress will still be fisting me ,,,maybe even past her elbow [:)] and i will still be writing about it how great it feels [:)] gosh i hope i dont get hemmirhoids ,,,sp check --lol ...51 years young and still having fun ..mal ...geez 19 more years of being fisted and strapons ..maybe by then more guy subs will be writing in and saying how great it feels to ..to let a woman have her way with your ass when shes in the mood [:)]..have fun ..mal


I never knew you were into anal Mal!

[:D] (heh)



MistressOfGa -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/25/2008 5:18:07 AM)

~FR~
If a sub was to say that to me, I would tend to believe that he believes it at the time. It is amazing how fast they start complaining after they got their groove met. Would I give him a chance? Probably not. He may not be deliberately lying but he is covering an emotion, who and what he is, and that is not acceptable to me.



thetammyjo -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/25/2008 6:06:24 AM)

For the sake of this question I'll ignore the fact that we misuse the "term" fetish all the time -- if we used it correctly there would be no need to ask this question unless the relationship would not be sexual in any sense.

So let's just pretend that fetish here means a strong interest.

Yes, someone who is primarily inclined to Ds for example can serve without having their "fetishes" included in that primary relationship however in my experience that only increases the mental and imaginary appeal of the "fetish" for that person. I find it more reasonable to either use such "fetishes" as rewards or to open up the relationship (or be poly to begin with) so they find other partners who share that interest.

That is what works for me and Fox very very well. A few times a year he meets up with other rubber and mummification lovers and the rest of the time he has an online community.

His "fetishes" are part of who he is. If I'm attracted to him and his serve I need to accept that on some level or frankly I've set myself and himself up for failure in the relationship from the very start.



diaperedbaby -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/25/2008 7:23:12 AM)

I think honesty and up front is the best policy. Obviously I am into age play and things around it. It is a hard limit for many, but that is ok. I wouldn't want someone getting involved with me and not knowing that is one of my interests.



LadyPact -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/25/2008 8:15:58 AM)

Yes, it has happened and no, I generally don't believe them.  The reason for this is, as was written in the OP, that all other information leads Me to believe otherwise.  I have no desire to go down the road with certain folks who do have particular fetishes.  It's easier to tell someone from the start that we wouldn't match, rather than try to work through such an incompatibility.





MaamJay -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/26/2008 1:23:18 AM)

Been there, had the same response and no, it's generally not going to work out if it's the first thing they talk about! I'm looking for a generalist anyway, so someone who is really big on one aspect isn't likely to work out. So someone who says they live for panties, rubber, or humiliation, none of which are kinks that interest Me, are likely to get past square 1. Whereas, I know I need someone to pamper My feet so I would continue to chat with a foot fetishist ... but they'd better be very ready to provide all sorts of other services too!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



corysub -> RE: He's not that into his fetish..honest, give him a chance... (8/26/2008 7:34:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


Subs, are you able to get rid of your bigger fetishes completely (if you have one), for the right domina?

Akasha



Nope!...Don't believe I could Mistress Akasha...  Do I believe that a subbie could "fake" or "deny"  having a fetish...sure....it's more than just one kink that a subbie has usually.  It's a trap the "str8" community also suffers..."When we get married I'm gonna  change him"...sure!   Seldom works that way.  Least, I don't think so..



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