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Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:11:08 PM   
Noella


Posts: 33
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline 		I need advice. I am a young sub, soon to turn 20. The legal age in my area is 19, and I want to go out and about to clubs, play parties, and munches. My problem is that I live with over protective parents. They don't know about my BDSM preferences, or even that I have a sex life. Should I tell them the truth, little white lies, or just do my thing? We have a good relationship, and they're open to a lot of things. My dad's sister is a butch lez domme. But I'm really afraid of how they'll react to me coming out that way. Should I let things lie, and pass it off as just going out? having dinner with friends?

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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:13:54 PM   
Sandyshores29718


Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline 		I don't see the need to lie. When it comes to munches why not just tell them you are going out with friends for lunch? Thats not lying.  Its the truth.

(in reply to Noella)
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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:16:44 PM   
Alumbrado


Posts: 5560
Status: offline 		Telling people about your activities is one thing... telling them about activities such as munches and play parties would seem to violate the wishes of everyone else there for discretion.

(in reply to Noella)
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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:24:33 PM   
Thadius


Posts: 5091
Joined: 10/11/2005
Status: offline 		Have you thought about talking to your aunt about it?  Getting her advice may be better than anything we can add, as she knows both you and your parents.

Good luck in your journey,
Thadius

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When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." ~ Japanese Proverb

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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:24:55 PM   
XaviersXian


Posts: 525
Joined: 9/8/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline 		greetings to the OP,

Tell your parents you're "going out with friends".  That's all I ever did when I was off to a munch or play party and anyone asked where I was off to.  It's not a lie, but it saves offending anyone who might be confronted by BDSM events or activities, and saves exposing others who are into the lifestyle to criticism.

well wishes,

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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:26:45 PM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alumbrado

Telling people about your activities is one thing... telling them about activities such as munches and play parties would seem to violate the wishes of everyone else there for discretion.
Erm... how does telling my parents that I'm off to CMunch violate discretion? 

(in reply to Alumbrado)
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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:27:05 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Tell them you're going out. Why do they need to know more than that? If they ask with who, just say friends. If they still need to know more then just tell them..."you have my cell #", I'll  be back later and then leave.

If you feel this is a major problem in your life then maybe it's time to start thinking about getting a place of your own.

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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:27:16 PM   
E2Sweet


Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline 		Not knowing your parents and how they react to such a discussion makes it hard to offer anything substantial.

I've posted a reply on another site to a very similar question. Perhaps ask yourself, "Would they really want to know something so personal?". What good could come from them learning of your interests in BDSM? What turmoil, if any, could it cause within the household? Would they lose respect for you or perhaps begin to mistrust your judgment if they knew?

If you step back and take a good look at this, you may very well find that keeping this all a secret from the folks is the right thing to do. Secrets do suck, but sometimes they're just... necessary.

I know what I would do, but I don't know what you should do. I feel it should be all your decision here, since you are the one that's going to have to live with the consequences...

-Edited for spelling...


< Message edited by E2Sweet -- 8/24/2008 7:28:15 PM >

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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:28:24 PM   
blushingflower


Posts: 144
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		You're going out with friends.  You're going to a party.  Not a lie.  Also not any of their business beyond that, generally speaking.

(in reply to XaviersXian)
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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:28:52 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alumbrado

Telling people about your activities is one thing... telling them about activities such as munches and play parties would seem to violate the wishes of everyone else there for discretion.

Like Ivy...this has confuzzled me.

HOw could telling a parent that you are going to a munch violate the wishes of everyone else ( in regards to discretion) ?

edited because I just can not make my fingers work worth a dayum tonight

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 8/24/2008 7:32:13 PM >

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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:33:04 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I don't agree alumbro, cause unless you're saying names like bettey and ginger and page and laruence are gonna be there, or come home and report back about who came and who didn't an who said what, saying I am going to a munch tonight, doesn't  violate the wishes of everyone else there for discretion.

Plus munches are no w here near close to being comparable to play parties, since most munches are at a common dinner in town and there's nothing going on but eating and talking.


< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 8/24/2008 7:35:22 PM >

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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:34:31 PM   
Noella


Posts: 33
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the advice. It was all reasonable, and I'll think about contacting my aunt. I just wanted to ask, see what other people thought. I'm a bit too close to the problem to trust my own judgement. My parents aren't anal retentive about being informed on my life, but they are the kind to want to know where I'm going, who I'll be with, when I'll be back.

littlewonder: I'd love to move out, but I can't afford it. Most okay places, even tenements charge around $800-$1500 in my area. I just can't afford to move out (I'm a FT student).

Thanks all!

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"He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command."
~Machiavelli

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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:41:35 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Expesially when most munches and play parties are listed publically on a group somewhere and any one inclined can go look and see not only the date and the time but the location in most cases.

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

HOw could telling a parent that you are going to a munch violate the wishes of everyone else ( in regards to discretion) ?



(in reply to IrishMist)
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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:41:54 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Noella
I need advice. I am a young sub, soon to turn 20. The legal age in my area is 19, and I want to go out and about to clubs, play parties, and munches. My problem is that I live with over protective parents. They don't know about my BDSM preferences, or even that I have a sex life. Should I tell them the truth, little white lies, or just do my thing? We have a good relationship, and they're open to a lot of things. My dad's sister is a butch lez domme. But I'm really afraid of how they'll react to me coming out that way. Should I let things lie, and pass it off as just going out? having dinner with friends?

Do you have your own method of transportation?

It is the sad truth that most parents have to be trained into doing what they should train their children to do- become independent mature adults (and then we wonder why your generation will take until 30 to move out with all the school loans).

I can tell you that I chose to lie to my mother throughout college.  I was not ready to face the possible expulsion from her protection and financial help (although I only needed that during holidays as I had a full scholarship).  I was not yet independent enough and strong enough in myself to make that risk.  So I lied.  Going to munches was "going to dinner with friends."  Going to see my 43 yo master on vacations was "going with a bunch of friends."

But if you start now by making small steps- saying that you WILL go out, and being responsible in other areas, they will come around to the fact that you are an adult.  It might take a few years to train them properly, you'll likely need to move out on your own for awhile and show them you're capable of that and being happy before you can really have enough power to get them to stop intruding completely- but the day will come, if you are willing to make some hard choices at some points along the way.

But for me, personally, lie well, be reachable and responsible, and don't trust them NOT to get into everything in your room.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Noella)
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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:44:44 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		See if it was me and my parents still wanted that much of their nose in my business, even if I did live at home* which I did at 20 and still do at almost 26* I would of politely told them I am an adult and it honestly isn't any of their business outside of their home what I am doing with and whom I am doing it with, But that's just me. Fortunatly I never had to have that particular talk with them. They've always taken the position that my private business is none of theirs.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Noella

Thank you all for the advice. It was all reasonable, and I'll think about contacting my aunt. I just wanted to ask, see what other people thought. I'm a bit too close to the problem to trust my own judgement. My parents aren't anal retentive about being informed on my life, but they are the kind to want to know where I'm going, who I'll be with, when I'll be back.


(in reply to Noella)
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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:55:03 PM   
jim64


Posts: 86
Joined: 10/21/2007
Status: offline 		LA always gives great advice. This is no different. I am still in a state of transition. My family has always known that I'm a little kinky and strange.  This does not mean they need to know that i like my wife to beat the shit out of me. You will need to tell lies. I am a big fan of  honesty.  This is still a problem with me. Be creative!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 7:58:24 PM   
kittengirl8


Posts: 120
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		Noella, obviously no one can give you perfect advice without knowing your family dynamics specifically. At the moment I simply have it worse. For one, I've never been the type to "go out with friends" (because I generally don't have many), so that sort of lie is hard for my parents to accept. ;) I'm 18, almost 19, and living at home as well. To add insult to injury, I'm the youngest and only girl, so they tend to be very paranoid about me.

If you come up with something brilliant, share with the rest of the class, okay?

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 8:39:59 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		  Personally, I don't see BDSM as something I'd ever need to tell my parents. It's not that I'm ashamed, it's just that it isn't something I feel needs to be in the public eye. Many of my friends know of my proclivities, but if I don't tell a specific friend for whatever reason, it doesn't mean that they don't truly know me...they simply don't know everything about me.
  Mom and Dad don't need to know my favorite sex position or how often I masturbate. While BDSM does touch considerably more of my life than either of those two things, it's still something too personal to tell. I doubt many parents could tell the difference between a Goth club and a Kinky club, so I don't really see that you'd need to ever tell them your tastes.


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RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 9:11:46 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well with protective parents it doesn't matter WHAT you do, it's the fact that they haven't personally put their fingers in it and approved it that becomes the problem.  For me, the fact that my owner was 44, living in NC (I was in Baltimore), and that I had to ask permission for things BEFORE doing them each would have been enough to cause major damage.

I don't need to tell my mom what I'm doing out at night in order to freak her out and get her very worked up and worried about my safety.

Not to mention as a poly person, it's not about the sex but the relationships.  When something gets serious enough now, my mother is told because my family is important to me and if an emergency occurs, everyone needs to be aware of who they can trust.  Again- nothing to do with sex or kink, just basic life practicalities.

I've never come out to my mother as being kinky, but now I don't hide the books and the movies and the toys and the clothes when she comes to visit.  I HAVE come out to her as poly, being with older men, and in long distance situations.  Those are things I feel reasonable for anyone to handle and for her to know, again, in case of emergency.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to katie978)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Question to young closeted subs - 8/24/2008 9:27:19 PM   
Alumbrado


Posts: 5560
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Expesially when most munches and play parties are listed publically on a group somewhere and any one inclined can go look and see not only the date and the time but the location in most cases.



Then you should have no trouble providing a link to the time and place of the next Memphis Munch, should you?

Or the exact location of the major private bondage clubs and hosted play parties?

After all we have your word that 'most' of these post the details publicly.



What utter bullshit...if people decide that they want to keep their activities a secret, and they invite you into those activities on condition of discretion, (a requirement that you will find at more than a few places), then 'deciding to be out'  does not provide a convenient excuse to violate their trust without their consent.

Discretion means exactly that, discretion, not 'I'm going to the munch/private dungeon' followed by parental grilling on who, what, where, when, and why.

< Message edited by Alumbrado -- 8/24/2008 9:34:47 PM >

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
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