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Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 3:19:53 AM

DarkSteven

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I get the feeling that a lot of Doms and subs consider pushing limits to be a goal in itself.

In my case, there are things I want to do, and I want my sub to do them with me. If this require pushing her limits to get there, I'll do it. Else I won't.

Is pushing limits for its own sake just a merit badge on the road to being a twue Dom/submissive? Please share your thoughts - I'm curious what others think.

To clarify - I did NOT intend to discuss pushing HARD limits. I meant pushing soft ones.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 8/26/2008 3:40:57 AM >

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RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 3:30:58 AM

colouredin

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I think sometimes it is because if all the activities you want to do are all things the sub wants to do then its not really submitting its just urm doing what you want

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RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 3:37:07 AM

RCdc

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Dominants end up pushing limits when they are with someone who is not compatable.
Many people just settle.

the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 3:55:42 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
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From: Leeds, UK
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Just to clarify .. what most people term a soft limit - I personally feel, for me, are requests of taste . I am happy for my soft limits to be pushd and broken by my play partners, because they are not deal breakers, or relationship enders. My soft limits are there to be pushed, else they would either be hard limits, or not limits at all. They are current bench marks, intentional markers for where I am now, not where I want to be forever.

Pushing limits is not the goal of my ideal relationship, it doesn't make me more or less "twue" but I want to be with someone who will work together with me on those limits and see where we can both be taken. I want to be developed to new places, not dragged there kicking and screaming.

pushing or breaking a soft limit, or as I think of it, leading me into places as yet unknown, is for me quite an enriching experience. I always made whipping and suspension things I requested pretty firmly did not happen. Both are things I have been introduced to in the last 6 months, and I got as much from being introduced to a new experience, pushed past a limit, as I did from the experience themselves.

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RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 4:48:54 AM

RCdc

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This is Darcy

If we're talking soft limits as opposed to hard limits, then I'm all for pushing them, but with us it tends to be a mutual desire to do so. We know what each other can stand, we know when and how to push these limits in a way that is mutually pleasurable, and we see this pushing of limits as a mutual journey of discovery and adventure, which has taken us both to heights that we may not have achieved without the specific input of each other - basically, our chemistry is unique and rocks for us, so we get pleasure from our mutual pushing.

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Post #: 5

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 5:23:06 AM

Abaddon2u

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Joined: 8/12/2008
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If one accepts soft limits and is content to live within them one has just defined the limit to their growth. This produces a state of stasis, with no hope of change or growth, a box, cell, cage or mental prison of one’s own making.

Soft limits are imposed , usually out of fear. It is by challenging this fear and overcoming it that we continue to grow as human beings. If one does not continue to learn, grow and have new and fresh experiences in life then what is the point of living? I view soft limits much akin to a child approaching a swimming pool for the first time, without guidance and someone they trust, they may never get in the pool, no matter how desperately they may desire it.
This applies to all areas of the relationship, not just the sexual aspect. It is not a case of pushing limits just because they are there, rather pushing limits to continue positive growth in a desired direction.

Just my spin on it.

Abaddon

“the only difference between myself and a madman is that I am not mad.” - Salvador Dali

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 5:23:46 AM

TysGalilah

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Joined: 11/21/2007
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Not intending to speak for him

but

I don't think Tyson ever really thought of it is "pushing a limit" nor was it done so he could say he did...
"limits" isn't something we really much talked about..
what are your soft and hard limits cyn? was never really a statement I heard from him. We did spend alot of time talking about our experiences both good and not so good and fears...and I think in knowing me on that level he knew instinctively what I was emotionally capable of or not.
He also knew I desired to grow and stop fearing so much in my life. I think him slowly taking me out of my comfort zone in some of those areas, was his way of helping me grow, fear less and conquer some of my demons.

heck, if he had never pulled me out of those comfy areas
I would still never have been naked in front of him
closed my eyes when he drives ( err the car lol )
trusted him to keep me safe
screamed and moaned outloud
wrote with passion and abandon....freedom
learned to let my tears flow and that they would be embraced
learned to find the freedom and release on the other side of pain
....and the list goes on

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Post #: 7

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 5:33:50 AM

chamberqueen

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Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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I also think there is a difference between the limits that a sub would allow to be pushed and those that a slave would. I have crossed into new territories as a slave that I would have considered to be hard limits as a sub or casual play partner. The biggest difference between a hard limit and a soft one is in your mindset.

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Post #: 8

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 5:55:03 AM

Missokyst

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I have discovered that soft limits are things I have for others. Those limits are crossed or not, over time as I get to know my partner and trust him. I pretty much know I am open to doing most things, but who I do them with, is learned over time.
So pushing limits for me, is perfectly ok.
Kyst

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 9

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 6:05:35 AM

genevieve66

Posts: 57
Joined: 7/8/2008
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Me too. Some of my favorite yummiest hottest things we do now are because they were limits he pushed. Thank god! Now when he says get in the shower girl...whew, hotttt! Yes, watersports. sighs~

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RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 8:16:46 AM

DarkSteven

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Thanks for your insight, folks!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to genevieve66)

Post #: 11

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 11:24:58 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I get the feeling that a lot of Doms and subs consider pushing limits to be a goal in itself.

In my case, there are things I want to do, and I want my sub to do them with me. If this require pushing her limits to get there, I'll do it. Else I won't.

Is pushing limits for its own sake just a merit badge on the road to being a twue Dom/submissive? Please share your thoughts - I'm curious what others think.

To clarify - I did NOT intend to discuss pushing HARD limits. I meant pushing soft ones.

I don't see it as a "goal" of a dynamic I would be in but rather, I see it as a way to expand the dynamic. That is why I communicate with a submissive on all levels...not just the physical BDSM levels but the emotional levels and the mental levels and I want to know where the ground begins to get a bit rough and uncomfortable not just at the BDSM level but at the D/s level, at the human level. Otherwise, you face what Abaddon put so well: "If one accepts soft limits and is content to live within them one has just defined the limit to their growth. (My addition here...in other words, you have just made your soft limit a hard one). This produces a state of stasis, with no hope of change or growth, (you have essentially created) a box, cell, cage or mental prison of one’s own making.

Comfortable with being flogged but not with having a belt used on you? Time to try a belt. Comfortable with a wide canvas belt but not a thin leather one? Time to try a thin, leather one. Comfortable with being on your knees and stroking "Daddy's" legs but not with kissing his boot? Time to try kissing it. Comfortable with kissing Daddy's boot but not riding it to orgasm? Time to go for a ride. Comfortable with eyes down but not being forced to look into Master/Mistress' eyes while explaining why you have done what you have done? Time to have your chin taken in hand and be made to look.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 12

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 12:29:33 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

... Comfortable with being flogged but not with having a belt used on you? Time to try a belt. Comfortable with a wide canvas belt but not a thin leather one? Time to try a thin, leather one. Comfortable with being on your knees and stroking "Daddy's" legs but not with kissing his boot? Time to try kissing it. Comfortable with kissing Daddy's boot but not riding it to orgasm? Time to go for a ride. Comfortable with eyes down but not being forced to look into Master/Mistress' eyes while explaining why you have done what you have done? Time to have your chin taken in hand and be made to look.

I don't know, CD... while I think I understand where you're coming from in terms of a relationship not becoming stagnant, this sounds an awful lot like never being satisfied unless there's some level of discomfort.

Constantly feeling the need to push and grow, I wonder when people take the time to savor what they have?

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 13

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 12:33:35 PM

simpleplan2

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Joined: 7/5/2008
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I don't necessarily agree with all that. I may be comfortable with a thin belt but a wide belt is simply too painful. What growth do I get from being able to be beaten with one instrument and not another? I had a very painful scene with a cane once and, as a result, prefer not to play with them. If I were to agree to be beaten with one...again, what growth have I achieved?

Having said that, I do agree that there may, in fact, be growth in other areas, but I don't see it in this one. May just be me.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 14

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 12:37:56 PM

Missokyst

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Joined: 9/9/2006
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I have to admit I don't understand the idea that there is growth to be gained from tolerating more or different pain. I grow mentally, intellectually, spiritually. But those are internal things that are not benefitted by how hard I can take a blow.
Learning to tolerate or enjoy more physical sensation is just a body thing. It will change with each man, each experience, and each situation. I do not grow from it.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: simpleplan2

I don't necessarily agree with all that. I may be comfortable with a thin belt but a wide belt is simply too painful. What growth do I get from being able to be beaten with one instrument and not another? I had a very painful scene with a cane once and, as a result, prefer not to play with them. If I were to agree to be beaten with one...again, what growth have I achieved?

Having said that, I do agree that there may, in fact, be growth in other areas, but I don't see it in this one. May just be me.

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 15

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 12:48:09 PM

circumference

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Great post! I am on this board right now (just joined) because someone took it upon them to push me on limits I had previously considered as "hard limits".

Now after having a good experience I was forced to examine where some of those limits originated. I had to admit to myself that I had never made a well thought out, concious evaluation of what I was comfortable with. Limits kind of just crept in somewhere through the normal negativity of life, things that I just assumed I was not okay with. Now that I've taken a hard look at things, I don't have any problems with things I had previously considered off limits... morally, emotionally or otherwise.

So after completely resetting my perspective, I am paying much more attention to my reasoning of limitations. At the moment all things in the out of bounds categories are there for reasons of safety, comfort-level (I can't go from zero to being nailed to a wall overnight!), and hygiene. The first two I imagine will be affected over time by the quality of people I meet. Oh yeah, if anyone knows some quality people in DFW send them my way :)

Thanks for putting this out there, it's been on my mind a lot lately

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 16

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 3:47:39 PM

lovingpet

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Funny you should make the distinction between hard and soft limits. I agree there are just some things that are untouchable for folks. I also agree that even among hard limits are walls that need to fall.

Let me say something that will have the capatability police screaming into action. The partner I met with just a few weeks ago is one who did "the bad thing". I had written to him first because our views of D/s and other things seemed to match well. He preferred to be a Daddy/Master, but had experience with other dynamics as well. I had NO interest in ageplay or any dynamic of the sort and it was on my short list of NEVERS and told him as much in my first email. He asked a few more questions about it in a few future emails and I explained to him all my reasons why not. Upon our first IM conversation, he asked me to attempt such a dynamic with him just to see how it would go. I said no. As the conversation went on, he managed to sneak past my radar and rip down that wall. He broke my hard limit the first time we ever interacted, and do not mistake and say it was not so hard after all. It shook me to my core. It was a risk he took based on having explored the issue with me prior and after this interaction followed up with me carefully as I worked through my thoughts and feelings. I now call him Daddy when we converse and I am perfectly happy with our dynamic.

Had limit crossing not been a part of what he was willing to attempt for the sake of an otherwise positive match, we would be penpals and nothing more. As it stands, he is the only person I have met for a session since I started this journey about a year ago. He did what he did carefully and with full consideration of me in the process. He valued what we could be together enough to take a very educated gamble. I am not saying such a thing should be commonplace or entered into lightly, or that it is right for everyone. It is not and, in most cases, is an utter breach of trust. Communication, respect, and an open mind made this particular instance work for US. It also built a level of intimacy and trust that had not existed prior through any communication I had with anyone else.

Crossing my limits is not the goal in and of itself, but it is necessary for both parties to be willing to go in new directions when the time comes.

lovingpet

(in reply to circumference)

Post #: 17

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 4:06:50 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I get the feeling that a lot of Doms and subs consider pushing limits to be a goal in itself.

In my case, there are things I want to do, and I want my sub to do them with me. If this require pushing her limits to get there, I'll do it. Else I won't.

Is pushing limits for its own sake just a merit badge on the road to being a twue Dom/submissive? Please share your thoughts - I'm curious what others think.

To clarify - I did NOT intend to discuss pushing HARD limits. I meant pushing soft ones.

I think that there are individuals who are looking to have their limits expanded, and individuals who are perfectly comfortable with their limits right where they are. Depending on how those attitudes fit into our household, we may or may not push limits. I don't consider pushing limits to be an end in itself for -me-. I do like servants with a great deal of flexibility, though, and who have the capacity for adventure and trying new things.

Calla Firestorm

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(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 18

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 4:29:10 PM

Sandyshores29718

Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
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*fast reply*

I don't mind my soft limits being pushed at all. It helps me better see what I enjoy or not and what I can or can not take. Once I've over came a limit of any kind I feel proud of myself that I went though with it all for his pleasure. So, if its pushing soft limits to make him happy then so be it. Having my soft limits pushed brings out the submissive in me even more.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 19

RE: Pushing limits - 8/26/2008 6:02:08 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

a lot of Doms and subs consider pushing limits to be a goal in itself.

Yup, many do.

quote:

In my case, there are things I want to do, and I want my sub to do them with me. If this require pushing her limits to get there, I'll do it. Else I won't.

That's exactly me.

I HAPPEN to be into a lot of things that a lot of people consider "edgy" and push limits.

But I don't actively seek to push limits. I could care less about that. Eventually you get to a point where there are no more limits or you're just bored.

For me it's about the connection we have, not how "much/far/deep" we are.

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(in reply to DarkSteven)

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