Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "coming out"?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "coming out"? Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "coming ... - 8/27/2008 6:25:19 PM   
winoverme


Posts: 67
Joined: 3/26/2006
From: Montreal
Status: offline 		Hi everyone,


It's been at least 3 years now since i had to recognize i can't fit in a conventional lifestyle within the society..I mean that the fact that i am submissive to women combined with the need & wish to grow and push more in this direction has made me do steps, to get closer to my inner feelings. But...One of my biggest problems is not with the acceptation of this fact..My biggest problem with it is that i don't want my friends, family and acquaintances to know about it. I just can't face the idea that people of my regular surroundings may learn it...It's like for me it's to embarrassing...I want them all to think i'm not submissive and that i lead a "normal" life..I don't know exactly how to deal with this situation..For years i was so upset about people i know finding it that i closed totally at times the possibility to live out my fantasies or will to get involved in new kinds of relationships that would be far more like me and what i am. I wish to know if some of you have been confronted with the same problem and how you dealt with it? Would someone have an idea how i should deal with it? I wonder if it's absolutely necessary to reveal my submissive BDSM "orientation" - i'm 100% hetero by the way to the conventional people i've always known.. Do some of you simply don't tell it, living every part of it in total privacy? First of all, i don't think that they could understand and secondly, i'm pretty sure i'd be more comfortable and at peace of mind if i'd never have the obligation to tell it...Amongst the BDSM community i feel totally unashamed...even somehow a little exhibitionist about myself...I realize it's totally another side of me i don't want anyone to know about. Is my preference not to tell it legitimate? I hope i'm in the right forum section this time to post this..I presently am in two worlds totally at the extreme at both ends..I stay comfortable in the "normal" world, but it's not enough...I know i belong more and more in the BDSM world of lifestyle. But can these two possibilities stay away from each other, not having to reunite them? I doubt i will ever feel comfortable or sure enough of myself to finally appear like i am (ex: wearing a collar in public)...Any suggestions will be more than welcomed...

_____________________________

Being humiliated, belittled and taken advantage of makes me feel worthy, useful and honored. I would like to meet the right kind of Mistress that would see the advantages of having at her feet a proud natural born submissive.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 6:37:11 PM   
Sandyshores29718


Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline 		All my close friends know and a rare select few family members know. I don't see the need to share with everyone, but the ones that mean a lot to me I would like for them to know.  Also, you can educate them that way.  Some people will never feel ok wearing collars in public and to be honest thats something I'll struggle with when the time comes.

Also, maybe when you better understand your need for certains things you wont be so embarrassed. You don't HAVE to tell people about how you choose to live your life. It is YOUR life after all.  :)  If you want to keep things private no one can really blame you. For a great deal of people this is a private part of their life.  For me, its only private from those that would not understand or think I'm mentally ill.


(in reply to winoverme)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 6:44:18 PM   
servantforuse


Posts: 6363
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline 		I keep this part of my life very discreet, with family and everyone else... 

(in reply to Sandyshores29718)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 6:57:06 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		No one knows unless I tell them.  I have told people in the past who had no real business knowing what I do.  I even quit a job and probably will never be re-hired in that highly religious based company again.  Later I figured what the heck did I do that for?  Was I trying to validate myself by being accepted by all and sundry?
Phhhhhhhhhhhttttt.
It's no bodies business what I do. 
I see no reason to wave a flag of ME ME ME to feel good about myself.
I initially told just two people in that company.. and by the next day it was around a store with 160 employees.
My question to you, is do you feel a pressing need to have people accept your kink?
Kyst

(in reply to winoverme)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 6:58:40 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		Why does the world have to know, what I believe is a matter between you and another person. I'm sorry, but why do some have to parade it in public. I think that cheapens what, to me, is a private matter.

I have enough confidence in myself ... I don't care if anyone other than the lady I'm involved with, knows about our personal life and interactions. I've had friends ask. Those that I believed were close enough, might find out about it, but I consider my relationships to be a private matter. If asked, I just smile. Do you ask your parents what positions they use in the bedroom? Why should your relationship be any more public?

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to Sandyshores29718)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 7:01:42 PM   
curvyslavegirl


Posts: 134
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Do vanilla couples share with their friends and family which person does the taxes, who holds the checkbook or which partner prefers to be on top during 69?

My friends who I discuss sexuality openly with know and those who I do not discuss it with don't. :)
Just like any other facet of life.

When I do activism in the sex educator community, people assume that I am in a BDSM relationship but many don't know which side.
The whole closet idea suggests that it is something to be hidden. I prefer to just think of it as another aspect of my life that gets shared when I feel like it, with people that I want to share it with.

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 7:06:57 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		It is something I struggled with as well. I couldn't figure out how the two could work side by side. It is not something I share with others. My co-workers, friends, family understand I have a male friend. How we define that and what we do together or as part of our relationship is only between the two of us. All I know for me, is I am glad I decided to go with it as Master makes me very happy.

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 7:09:54 PM   
winoverme


Posts: 67
Joined: 3/26/2006
From: Montreal
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst


It's no bodies business what I do. 
I see no reason to wave a flag of ME ME ME to feel good about myself.
I initially told just two people in that company.. and by the next day it was around a store with 160 employees.
My question to you, is do you feel a pressing need to have people accept your kink?
Kyst



No i see what you mean! Many people just couldn't understand...And some become cruel and nasty when they hear something like that..I think that just answered my question..I've many times felt the need to feel appreciated or validated by others...But to that extent: NOPE

_____________________________

Being humiliated, belittled and taken advantage of makes me feel worthy, useful and honored. I would like to meet the right kind of Mistress that would see the advantages of having at her feet a proud natural born submissive.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 7:12:31 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've never felt a need to "come out" OR "hide" who I am. My life is like anyone else's. I go work, I raise a family, I eat, sleep, etc...the only difference is in who I answer and defer to.

If someone wants to know something about me all they have to do is ask. I don't go around flaunting the fact that I submit to one person either. It doesn't make a difference really.

(in reply to winoverme)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Has everyone in the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 7:21:59 PM   
cinderella221972


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		Many of us cannot be open with families or those we work with so we simply learn how to be who we are and still fit in with the vanilla world where we live and work.  I wear my collar daily everywhere but it is not the obvious leather style.  Master had is specially made of chain that looks a bit like rope and black onyx beads.  Sometimes He switches it out with another that has leather and pearls or a silver band that has our initials on beads with a bead that has a heart with a key on it.  He does have a leather collar that He locks in place when we attend lifestyle events. 

We do little things like my sitting on the floor in front of Him even around my family which they do not notice since i've always tended to sit on the floor a lot.  i try to serve Him some even in front of family but not so much they are puzzled by it. 

i suppose depending on the views of friends/family/co-workers, it might be more challenging if a same sex relationship.  However, i suspect there are many out there who can explain ways to be you and still maintain family connections. 

Best wishes.  Jon's girl, cindy

(in reply to winoverme)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 7:22:29 PM   
SavageFaerie


Posts: 4377
Joined: 12/3/2004
From: NYC
Status: offline 		Long befoer I found this lifestyle, I was always kink oriented. Coming from an open minded family, I never hide anything, my mom knows, as well as my siblings and grown kids.  They totally accept me for who I am. Which was precicely how I raised them, and my mother before me.

My daughter 29 has even found her way into a submissive lifestyle several years ago. LOL How proud could a mom be.

Before I found the term bdsm lifestyle, I had already stopped working so there was no matter of keeping quiet about myself there either.

So I have always really been me. Even way way back in my wild teen years, when some of the male youths in and around my age found me a bit too open LOL. I wouldnt call that kink back then, more of a free wild hippie girl of the 70's LOL   And for the most part still am ;)

_____________________________

Disclaimer:If its the wrong word or misspelled I blame on my fingers and brains refusing to interact.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 7:59:51 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

Why does the world have to know, what I believe is a matter between you and another person. I'm sorry, but why do some have to parade it in public. I think that cheapens what, to me, is a private matter.

I have enough confidence in myself ... I don't care if anyone other than the lady I'm involved with, knows about our personal life and interactions. I've had friends ask. Those that I believed were close enough, might find out about it, but I consider my relationships to be a private matter. If asked, I just smile. Do you ask your parents what positions they use in the bedroom? Why should your relationship be any more public?



I couldn't agree more with your post Mich.
I live my life and what I do with my "partner" is my business.
I think often the need to be "open" to any and everyone has a lot
to do with getting external validation or acceptance from other people.
It would not be to many people's advantage for their personal life to
become public knowledge for MANY very obvious reasons.


I often chuckle at many of the vanilla couples that engage in what we would call  D/s
styles of interaction "naturally and normally", and I can tell you of many women that are
"wearing the pants" and calling most of the shots, in their relationships.

You can live this lifestyle very subtly and many people won't even notice.
I can think of several female family members that tend to be the Dominant partners.

The men appear to be very submissive, and that is just "how they are!"
Many of us would call the men "submissive", but we just call them loving and dedicated, when
they are running around, following orders, fetching drinks, etc.




< Message edited by MzMia -- 8/27/2008 8:28:18 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 8:11:52 PM   
EdBury


Posts: 33
Joined: 8/21/2008
Status: offline 		I believe it is a case of being comfortable in your own skin, winoverme. There is actually no need to share your private feelings with anyone. You know who and what you are, what turns you on and what doesnt - so long as you are happy with that, than who cares really what others think.
Some of my closest friends know my desires and beliefs regarding the lifestyle, but only those I would recognise as broadminded. I once got called a 'sad bas***d' by a person I believed was non-prudish, and I learned my lesson. "I" know who and what "I" am and am proud and comfortable with it. Thats all you need, my friend.
Ever wonder who the 'real' sad bas***ds are? I would guess those who deny the need for experimentation in their relationships and eventually end up alone!

Best wishes,
Ed

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 8:16:55 PM   
UmbraDomina


Posts: 491
Joined: 7/22/2008
From: SE Michigan
Status: offline 		years ago, when my beloved hubbypet and I started seeing one another, he was so happy and so thrilled by his new life, and how happy he was in it he wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I warned him this was not a good idea, but he had to learn on his own.... he told a old friend, who he thought was very open minded.......she promptly told him she would watch for us to show up on the jerry springer show and he was a sick phuck, bla bla bla.

This does however remind me of a funny story....... I used to have a leather pride licence plate holder on my car, I was pumping gas one day dressed in normal business wear, minding my own business, when the guy at the car next to me out of the blue told me I was going to hell, and I should be ashamed of myself. I had forgotten all about the plate holder and was like huh???? he then told me, I was a lesbian and had "the wierd rainbow plate thing to proove it"  You should have seen his face when I said, no dear that plate is black and blue that means I like to dress up in leather, chain up boys and beat the holy hell out of them...... if your going to be predjudice know what your being predjudice about......



_____________________________

Alexandra ~

~~ And I will show you something different from either your shadow at morning striding behind you Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; I will show you fear in a handful of dust..... T.S. Elliot ~~

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 8:17:49 PM   
realtuffdom


Posts: 108
Joined: 7/16/2007
Status: offline 		I'm so in the closet that even I don't know I'm into a kinky lifestyle.

_____________________________

Always, Ram Ford Tough....

I have lots and lots of experience at domination. Now I'd just like to try it with a partner....

(in reply to winoverme)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/27/2008 11:50:46 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia



I couldn't agree more with your post Mich.
I live my life and what I do with my "partner" is my business.
I think often the need to be "open" to any and everyone has a lot
to do with getting external validation or acceptance from other people.
It would not be to many people's advantage for their personal life to
become public knowledge for MANY very obvious reasons.


I often chuckle at many of the vanilla couples that engage in what we would call  D/s
styles of interaction "naturally and normally", and I can tell you of many women that are
"wearing the pants" and calling most of the shots, in their relationships.

You can live this lifestyle very subtly and many people won't even notice.
I can think of several female family members that tend to be the Dominant partners.

The men appear to be very submissive, and that is just "how they are!"
Many of us would call the men "submissive", but we just call them loving and dedicated, when
they are running around, following orders, fetching drinks, etc.


MzMia
My friends know I love strong, intelligent women. They also know I am an very strong minded individual (hell, I tell my boss what to do at work). There is nothing sexier than having a woman who scares other men, kneeling at my feet while I play with her hair while she is intimidating those woosie men. Interested in that position MzMia? (I really do like strong women, they fight back so nicely)

(You know I love you MzMia )

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 12:28:37 AM   
E2Sweet


Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winoverme

...It's been at least 3 years now since i had to recognize i can't fit in a conventional lifestyle within the society..I mean that the fact that i am submissive to women combined with the need & wish to grow and push more in this direction has made me do steps, to get closer to my inner feelings. But...One of my biggest problems is not with the acceptation of this fact..My biggest problem with it is that i don't want my friends, family and acquaintances to know about it. I just can't face the idea that people of my regular surroundings may learn it...It's like for me it's to embarrassing...I want them all to think i'm not submissive and that i lead a "normal" life..I don't know exactly how to deal with this situation..For years i was so upset about people i know finding it that i closed totally at times the possibility to live out my fantasies or will to get involved in new kinds of relationships that would be far more like me and what i am. I wish to know if some of you have been confronted with the same problem and how you dealt with it? Would someone have an idea how i should deal with it?


I really can't sit here at my PC and tell you how you should deal with it. I will, however, share with you how I do it and maybe that'll help in some way...

I have simply come to the understanding that there are facets of my life that certain people close to me can hear about and certain people close to me that can not. Why would friends and family members who are not affected by my kinks, that would either not approve of my life choices, or would likely not understand them really need to know about them? Would dumping all of my taboo interests onto them improve our relationship or just strain it? If it would strain it and not do anyone any real good, then I absolutely do not share those areas of my life with them because there's nothing substantial to be gained by it.

If you had friends or family that were into kinky sex, would you really want to know all about it?

Now if we're talking about a spouse or lover, then that could be a little different, as engaging in your kinks really can affect his or her life in a very direct way.

Also, if friends or family were to find out about your interests through other means, well, there's not a whole lot one can do about that except damage control. That's a whole other topic entirely...

quote:

...Do some of you simply don't tell it, living every part of it in total privacy?...


Pretty much.

quote:

...Is my preference not to tell it legitimate...


You're an adult, so yes, you have the right to make that choice.

quote:

...I stay comfortable in the "normal" world, but it's not enough...I know i belong more and more in the BDSM world of lifestyle. But can these two possibilities stay away from each other, not having to reunite them?


I don't really view 'normal' and 'BDSM' as two different worlds. Perhaps you're placing too much meaning onto BDSM? To me, BDSM is a normal part of my life... among many of the other rather unusual things I choose to explore.

I could only suggest backing up and looking at "BDSM" and "normal life" from a different perspective. Try to find a way to bring them together in your mind so they can coexist in the same world. Simply make room in your life for BDSM rather than attaching so much significance to it that you aren't able to imagine it as a normal part of life.

quote:

I doubt i will ever feel comfortable or sure enough of myself to finally appear like i am (ex: wearing a collar in public)...


As they say, some fantasies are better left unexplored... So, yea I wouldn't do that either.. Except for Halloween perhaps... and if it matched my shoes...

Edited for grammar!

< Message edited by E2Sweet -- 8/28/2008 12:33:19 AM >

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to winoverme)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 12:38:28 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		If you're embarrassed by it, you've not accepted it fully. That's not implying that only those who are "out" are fully integrated, but just an observation about feelings.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to winoverme)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 12:51:41 AM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		As someone said, I don't see the world that way; a BDSM world and a normal world. I mean unless you hardcorely want to go shopping for dinner or to the bank in full leather/chains/whatever, pretty much everyone is in the same world. BDSM is just part of it.

I also don't see a need to tell anyone about my private life. My love life, my sex life and other things aren't people's business. There are certain people I talk about certain things with. I discuss soap operas and shows like Big Brother with my mom. I talk about anime and comic books with other friends. And other friends I talk about BDSM with. I don't need to share EVERYTHING with everyone and I don't. I tell people what I want to tell them and they accept the level of knowledge I choose to share and life goes just fine.

Oh, and it's not that hard to wear a collar in public. Or, a simple necklace or something discreet; even a bracelet.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 12:59:27 AM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		Some of my close friends know that I'm into BDSM, however they don't know the full details of what I am or not exactly into.  Some just think it's all about kinky sex, and they are pretty alright about that.   D/s tends to be a hair trigger topic of sorts, so I generally avoid it, unless asked about it.

For the most part, people in general realize that I'm a little kinky and twisted because of the jokes I tell.  Also that I'm comfortable in talking about sex and sexual things.  Be is spanking ass, pulling hair, talking dirty, and etc..

For the most part, I don't catch too much grief or shame over these things.  However the D/s aspects is something that I tend to not go there with other people.

BDSM itself is a pretty general, and well I have no shame about admitting to all the kink aspects of it.  :-)  

(in reply to winoverme)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "coming out"? Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.234