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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness"?? (8/28/2008 11:06:55 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ravenslaveheart
he didn't find religion, he already had one and still has it. but he's definitely analyzing himself, he's in therapy, he talks of how much self-work he's doing. i can appreciate that, and empathize. i just can not get my head wrapped around the fact that he thinks i was delusional, submitting to nothing, that he wasn't Dominating (when i know damn well he was), and that if we were to ever enter into a D/s relationship in the future, it would be because we're mentally ill.
{clipped}
maybe he just said it to hurt me, to kick me while i'm down? i know people in break-ups can get pretty mean-spirited, although i'm not one to do that. i'm more of a "let me process this quietly, ask some questions, and write you a note" sort of person.
i still feel confused, and very hurt. i can be logical and all that and tell myself of course he's wrong about me, that what he's saying applies only to him. my head can say that. it's my heart that doesn't listen to my head very often! my heart is breaking.
My suspicion is that there was some 'leading' by his therapist that got him thinking that his exploration of D/s was a 'crutch' and was 'hindering his progress', and from there, it wasn't a long haul to lead him to "this is sick and unhealthy". Unfortunately, although there are a fair number of therapists out there who recognize the changes regarding BDSM over the years, there are a whole lot -more- who have never embraced the new developments in this area (often because they're uncomfortable with the ideas themselves). I've done a fair share of pastoral care work with people who went into therapy to get themselves together, and were 'led' by their therapists to decide that their alternative spirituality, gender expression, or relationship dynamics were, somehow, to blame for all of their issues or were holding them back from progressing towards 'healing'. There is nothing you can do about this. He either has to accept who he is and decide that the information he's getting doesn't 'jive' with his experiences, or he can choose to suck up the pap and discard all of his own experiences in favor of someone else's "evidence" -- but in either case, you can't do it for him.
Now, as for you -- I can assure you that it is unlikely that he is doing this to hurt you -- if anything, he is probably worried about you, and concerned that you're still "sick" and not getting the proper help. In his own way, out of his own fears, he is trying to help you to 'find a better way'... probably in a way not too different from the way that his therapist "guided" him to let go of his interests in this area. There are plenty of texts available from a variety of well-known, and well-respected "masters" of psychotherapy who will provide 'evidence' that BDSM is dangerous and unhealthy. That's why it was considered a mental illness for a -very- long time. What you need to know is that this is not about -you-, except in a very peripheral way. I doubt that it is meant to intentionally hurt you, or make you feel belittled. It is, however, something that you may find yourself grieving over for a while, and that is OK. My only suggestion is that you gather supportive friends around you and work through your own pain where this is concerned before you go trying to find another relationship to 'replace' what you've lost. It is going to be important to resolve the questions that this incident brings up for you before you think about trying to be happy, healthy, and whole in another relationship.
My thoughts are with you.
Calla Firestorm
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