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How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 11:21:21 AM

sujuguete

Posts: 263
Joined: 7/3/2008
From: DC metro area
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For those of you with subs who suffer from mental illness, particularly depression, how do you handle it?

What do you do when you notice the first symptoms that a bad slump is coming? What do you do if your sub is already in the "black hole?"

_____________________________

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For this reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Post #: 1

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 11:30:24 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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For depression - hopefully they would pack them off to the doctor, sooner than later!

(in reply to sujuguete)

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RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 11:46:03 AM

LifeisgoodSFLA

Posts: 21
Joined: 7/9/2008
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(this is hejira)

When my ex-husband died last year, it hit me much harder than I expected. Master was completely supportive and when I wanted to go to a grief counselor, He supported my decision.

I went a bit off the deep end- so many regrets, so many loose ends and questions that would never be answered....

This went on for months. Master was very patient with me, but one day He sat me down and explained that the people who are still here- namely Him and my children- need me to be here, too for them, not lost in past regrets and sadness.

He gave me a dose of reality and helped me come around.

So, what my Master did with a depressed sub was - encourage and support her getting help, listening as much as possible and, when it became a cycle of negative thinking, He broke the cycle.

He will still listen anytime I need to talk about it, but I think I have come a long way towards getting over it.

_____________________________

Cuffkinks and hejira92

"Heart, mind, body and soul- All are His"

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 12:10:44 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Grief therapy. Regular therapy. Medication. Light boxes. Exercise program. Regular massages also.
As many of the mix as is needed.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LifeisgoodSFLA)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 2:21:00 PM

DelightnDevotion

Posts: 45
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline

--Fr--

Encourage her to get into therapy and talk with her doctor about medication. Talk with her about her therapy sessions, encourage her, support her--get her out of the house, exercising and eating right. And, perhaps most important, educate yourself about depression so you can understand what she's going through and how to help her.

_____________________________

"Surrender yourself humbly;
then you can be trusted to care for all things."
Tao Te Ching, Chapter 13

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 2:21:21 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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Help them understand the problem. Have them write it down as clearly as they can. Add my own notes. Package the whole thing up as "Goals for counciling". Help the sub find and interview appropriate professionals - giving them the "goals" upfront to discuss. Ensure sub actually attends scheduled sessions and participates actively and postively. Give lots of love and support.

That's what a friend of mine did recently in this situation and I thought it was the most well thought out and comprehensive plan I'd ever seen. And it's working out quite well so far. The sub in question is, I think, not only responding to the therapy but also to the positive assertion from the dom that "she matters". Not surprisingly, I think she's also plumetting into the depths of submission to this man faster than a falling meteor.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 7:06:36 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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Generally I start with a good hug. Then I see about getting to whatever is causing the depression and resolving that.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to sujuguete)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 7:46:02 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sujuguete
What do you do when you notice the first symptoms that a bad slump is coming? What do you do if your sub is already in the "black hole?"

As someone who suffered through a severe depression for years, I could only hope that he would kick my ass (figuratively) until I started engaging in the behaviors that I know will get me out of depression. I know that he will not enable me and he will not tolerate negative behaviors that will only perpetuate the problem. He will expect me to do the work to either stop it or get out of it.

If the person does not have the tools they need to manage their depression, then they need to learn them.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to sujuguete)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 8:02:55 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

If the person does not have the tools they need to manage their depression, then they need to learn them.

a couple key things that people need to understand....

What exactly is Depression and how it manifest in general and as well as specifically for the individual in question. How do you watch for it coming on

What are the tools available to manage and/or divert a person from this destructive path and what tools are effective for the person in question and why.

Lastly, How do you use those tools to be effective.

As Kyra has already indicated... I take a very proactive approach. I watch for changes in behavior that is a shift from the norm. The change can be extreme Positive or Negative... but besides comparing to the to the baseline, I look at the situation as well. for example, sudden extreme excitment because they found a dime is out of sync and unjustified for the sitaution. Radical Swings in mood are also signals or flags.. well unless its that time of month *G*. as far as a proactive approach... I look to reinforce the behaviors towards the baseline...

This is just a few of the things ... I do suggest that a person educate themself... and don't try to be doctor either. It's very much like knowing when to bring your kid to the doctor for stitches or just throw a bandaid on. If in Doubt... bring to Doctor!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 8:04:44 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sujuguete

For those of you with subs who suffer from mental illness, particularly depression, how do you handle it?

What do you do when you notice the first symptoms that a bad slump is coming? What do you do if your sub is already in the "black hole?"

Male / Female ? (Yes....it's different....sue me....I'm not an equal opportunity sub).

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 8/31/2008 8:05:09 PM >

(in reply to sujuguete)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 8/31/2008 8:38:34 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

When I was in these situations with a sub, I would put play time on hold and give the sub their own space. I then assured them that I would be in the next room.

It really depended on what the depressed sub was thinking. It also has to deal with what brought on the depression to begin with. Having a bad day, the world sucks, or thinking about suicide. In most cases, I would give time for them to decide when they wanted to talk. During conversation, I would throw in a few jokes.

Each person is different. If I'm dealing with clinical depression, it's important to know if the sub is following all treatment plans laid out by there therpaist/dr/specialist etc... As long as I know the sub is doing their part, I know to keep things on a chill factor on those bad days. As you grow with someone, you learn when and when not to do things as most couples form understandings with one another.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to sujuguete)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/1/2008 2:20:38 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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As a sub

I would want a Dominant to do ummm nothing really I have had people say "well ill just flog you when you are like that" umm no because that would just add dependancy so it wouldnt work I wouldnt want them to tell me to go to the doctor or any of that shit because surely if they need to tell me im totally not ready for therapy, mental illness is largly something that the individual has to come to terms with, being told to 'deal with it' wont make them deal with it just like if a Dom tells you to give up smoking chances are if the relationship breaks up you go back to your own habbits, it has to be something that YOU want to deal with. If in a relationship all the Dominant needs to do is be understanding of it, realise that surley behaviour or isolation or whatever isnt 'acting up' or anything like that its something differant and not somthing that can be trained out of them its an illness and their are health professionals to deal with it.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/1/2008 3:55:13 AM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline

I'm kind of confused. Do you mean clinical depression? Or just 'being sad for a little bit' depression? There's a major difference.

I'll treat this as though you mean clinical...

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

As a sub

I would want a Dominant to do ummm nothing really

I agree whole-heartedly.

And the main thing to remember is that it IS a part of them, even if it's temporary, so don't treat it like something that's just fleeting. I can promise you, from experience, right then and there it is the biggest damn thing in their life. Even the most intelligent person can become depressed and *know* that it will end... but be unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, if you catch my meaning. Just because it's not affecting you, doesn't mean it's not entirely real to them.

Above all: listen. Don't make assumptions, don't tell the sub your opinions unless asked for... and above all else don't push them.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/1/2008 3:58:29 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

I meant clinical, not being a bit depressed everyone gets that from time to time

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to aravain)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/1/2008 4:10:13 AM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
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I was talking to the OP, I figured you took it in the clinical sense too :)

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/1/2008 5:59:44 AM

sujuguete

Posts: 263
Joined: 7/3/2008
From: DC metro area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aravain

I'm kind of confused. Do you mean clinical depression? Or just 'being sad for a little bit' depression? There's a major difference.

You are correct, there is a major difference. I was referring to the clinical depression, not the normal episodic depression that everyone gets.

So is it safe to say that leaving the sub alone to deal with it on her own is not a recommended course of action?

_____________________________

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For this reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

(in reply to aravain)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/1/2008 6:28:33 AM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sujuguete

quote:

ORIGINAL: aravain

I'm kind of confused. Do you mean clinical depression? Or just 'being sad for a little bit' depression? There's a major difference.

You are correct, there is a major difference. I was referring to the clinical depression, not the normal episodic depression that everyone gets.

So is it safe to say that leaving the sub alone to deal with it on her own is not a recommended course of action?

If I'm reading correctly, what everyone is saying is to pay attention, watch, learn and listen. Don't try to force your way into it but don't keep yourself too distant either. If it is clinical and they are not yet in treatment, you will have to help this along covertly as opposed to ordering specific treatment. Maybe gently guided conversations will work? I think it also depends on the person and how long its been going on.

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to sujuguete)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/1/2008 6:42:49 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I suffer from severe depression but I don't expect my partner to take that on. I don't expect him to fix me. I expect myself to fix me.

If your partner has depression encourage her to seek therapy, speak with her dr, make sure she takes her medications as prescribed if given any. She needs to get regular doses of sunlight, to socialize with friends and/or family, get regular exercise even if it's just walking which is what for me does it..fresh air. She should do things that make her feel good, go to a good movie and there are times when she just needs to be alone to get over her own thoughts for awhile.

You simply need to be there for her and to encourage her throughout life. Be her rock...but don't be her "rescuer". She has to do that herself.

(in reply to PsyVamp)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/1/2008 10:27:42 AM

DesertRat

Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aravain
And the main thing to remember is that it IS a part of them, even if it's temporary, so don't treat it like something that's just fleeting. I can promise you, from experience, right then and there it is the biggest damn thing in their life. Even the most intelligent person can become depressed and *know* that it will end... but be unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, if you catch my meaning. Just because it's not affecting you, doesn't mean it's not entirely real to them.

Above all: listen. Don't make assumptions, don't tell the sub your opinions unless asked for... and above all else don't push them.

(Bolding added by me for emphasis)

Bang! I've dealt with crippling major depression for most of my adult life, so in order to survive, I had to acquire some tools to get me through. So I did. When I was in my depression, I knew it. I knew it would pass and that, at some point, I'd be happy and laughing again. It made no difference. Someone pointing out the true fact that "time heals all wounds" or "don't worry, it'll get better" would likely get a "no shit Sherlock" from me, possibly with a "fuck you" thrown in.

Still, words and a shoulder from a good friend could help me. Also, a certain amount of judicious pushing from the right person at the right time has helped me, but it's hard for me to say who should do it, how, or when.

In that spot, I would (and do) give space, listen, support, not smother, and do it all in a matter-of-fact way. No need to make things heavier than they are, right? Also, I believe that most people do not want to be treated as "designated patients" or bugs under a microscope.

Bob

_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!--Chief Dead St. Knockout, 1933, Liverpool
Damn the crops. I'll only find peace at the end of a rope.--Winston Van Loo, 1911

(in reply to aravain)

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RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/2/2008 8:14:58 AM

silkenfire

Posts: 130
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aravain

And the main thing to remember is that it IS a part of them, even if it's temporary, so don't treat it like something that's just fleeting. I can promise you, from experience, right then and there it is the biggest damn thing in their life. Even the most intelligent person can become depressed and *know* that it will end... but be unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, if you catch my meaning. Just because it's not affecting you, doesn't mean it's not entirely real to them.

Above all: listen. Don't make assumptions, don't tell the sub your opinions unless asked for... and above all else don't push them.

I would add from my perspective...

I think it is necessary to act a LITTLE differently. Depending on the form of the relationship. Some people like to play mindgames and totally mess with people's minds in ways that could seriously depress/etc a clinically normal person... and playing games like that with someone clinically depressed is a terrible idea IMHO without being extremely careful.

Once upon a time I was in a seriously depressed state. It was a dom treating me "normal" that brought me out of it. I know that clinically things can be wrong enough that a person can't just bring you out of it and I'm not trying to say they can... but if he had not started me on the path to submission, I would have lost myself. And if he had been the type for psychological mindgames, I probably would have lost myself permanently before even getting to my college years...

So I think it's important to tiptoe around those pieces, at least until reactions are understood -- but it's the ONLY thing I believe in holding back on.

-Silk

(in reply to aravain)

Post #: 20

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