Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

dealing with failure?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> dealing with failure? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 11:51:23 AM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		Just putting this out there , we all have our set backs and sometimes even failures in dynamics and bdsm .I try and learn from them , try not to repeat them , try have have better and better communications-etc , yet  some lessons need to be repeated .Growth through emotional pain is often tough yet its still growth ..right ?I mean as long as something is learned or gained in the end .How do you no matter the  head space role Top bottom , Master Mistress etc deal with personal failures ?
Thanks for your input .
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 11:54:11 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I allow myself some space to mourn the pain of it, and then I look at my part in the failure, take responsibility for it, and move forward, with a new life lesson under my belt.  Once I understand what I did to contribute to the failure, I am less inclined to repeat it, as I will be more aware in the future.

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 11:55:10 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		In my own head, I don't much care about failure so much as I care about failing the same way twice.  When I do fail repeatedly in the same way, I typically get down on myself first.  Then I realize that obviously, since I am not succeeding at this over and over, this is a personality trait thing.  So then I develop coping mechanisms that at least offset whatever the failing is if not correct it.  Then I keep checking over time to see if I can do better but I no longer get down on myself about it.  At this point, I've accepted it as a part of who I am that I am doing the best I can with.

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 12:07:14 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		thanks great thoughts thus far , and i do feel in some ways its like a death  and mourning should perhaps be done , along with reflecting and realizations so it may not be repeated .Sometimes the universe just seems to thump us over the head as  if saying " nope sorry , you did not fully grasp that  lesson ,here -Thawp whomp !over the head . try that one again "  . " being more aware in the future " nods for sure , No longer getting down on myself  well that  is a tougher one  .Time and refection seems to  work ..
Thanks again ..

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 12:23:53 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Nobody gets through life without major screw ups.  It's part of being human.  If you can forgive yourself for your errors, then you can get on with being human, rather than believing you're omnipotent and not allowed to blow it. 

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 12:59:42 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		To me, I haven't 'failed' until I've quit. Some things I try may not work, or may not work the way that I wanted them to, but that provides two things -- knowledge to enable me not to repeat a dysfunctional pattern and the opportunity to try something else.

I think that humans tend to succumb easily to fear, but I've been fortunate. I had people in my life who taught me how to transform fear into both motivation and creativity.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 1:15:34 PM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

.How do you no matter the  head space role Top bottom , Master Mistress etc deal with personal failures ?


How I deal with things not working out as I'd planned much depends on my level of involvement with the other person.
 
If it's someone with whom I never anticipated a serious relationship, I've tried to get past it by detaching myself emotionally, analyzing what I did and did not do almost as an outsider looking in would. In the past, I've been suprisingly (to me) successful with this approach.
 
Now...if it's someone with whom I was deeply involved emotionally and physically...hmmmmmmmmm. The last relationship I had like that some 13 years ago took me years to get over and move on. I'm much less successful in divorcing myself from such a situation.
 
My submissive lady and I are head-over-fetish-heels in love, and we plan to make things stay that way. I don't even consider how I'd feel if I lost her...because I'm not going to!
 
Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 1:27:55 PM   
MasterOfVenice


Posts: 14
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline 		Learn from one's mistakes, if possible. IMHO we are all able to be injured emotionally, and time is the only true way for it to pass. Commiserating with friends helps, trying to analyze it rationally helps. Kicking oneself doesn't help, but I know I do it. I amaze myself when I trust someone and get burned, just like a teenager in love.

(in reply to SirJohnMandevill)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 2:21:52 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am working on new ways of dealing with rejection, and it is a real challenge.  I am emotionaly guarded anyway, and a new "failure" is likely to make me crawl deeper into the cave.  I am learning to be more open, while still protecting myself.  I still don't "get over it" easily if there was any kind of emotion involved, it all gets into one big mess in my emotional memory, and I react to all the old misery all over again.  Fooey!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to MasterOfVenice)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 2:46:20 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		When I have failed, I have failed as a person and as a whole, not as a dominant.  I examine, let go, examine and learn or change, let go and move on determined to not let it happen again.  If it does in some way because I missed a little something or the situation has me off my balance, I see this new aspect and examine again and go through it all.  I learned a long time ago, that is it easier to isolate for a time and heal and grow rather than hold onto it or deny it and not address it and face what comes because of that.  It is hard being human, but accepting that humanness is key in not beating yourself up too much and hopefully in not beating someone else up too much.  It is so much easier to look back than in the midst of it all, but again... we are human.  Grace and love go a long way.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 2:50:49 PM   
TimeInEveryDay


Posts: 22
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline 		We try to allow ourselves the luxury of sometimes both feeling ridiculous and also acting ridiculous.  We've found (are finding) that not taking ourselves too seriously, and minimizing how much we attempt to measure up to others or ideals, has made life much more enjoyable.  The glass house thing, right?  It seems that anyone who seems to not make mistakes is just better at covering them up.  Just today I was teased about a mistake I made that lasted 8 yrs (the "big M")!  Three years ago it wouldn't have been that funny, but now I can't help but laugh.  We think the BDSM dynamic should be, or could be considered in the same way.  It can often hurt, but as long as you continue to learn and grow, it will work out in the end.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 2:58:39 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		I  know that i am not alone in this situation , yet seeing  the posts it has really been a help tome , and perhaps helped others too .Sometimes our roadblocks are small bumps in the road , some you have to skirt around them , while still others you may need a monster truck to put them in your rear view mirror .Very insightful postings  thanks again A/all 

(in reply to TimeInEveryDay)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 3:19:22 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I look back on my life and what do I see? A couple of successes, some really good friendships and relationships and a whole heap of misunderstandings, failures, mistakes, stupidity, broken relationships, missed opportunities, times when I didn't get it, times when I couldn't get it, loneliness, heartache and everything else which gos up to make a life.

However my intentions have always been good. Success to me isn't perfection, but fulfillment, satisfaction, happiness, and all the things that make me want to get out of bed in the morning and live.

failure can be both positive and negative. Positive failure is when you try something and it doesn't work out, and you try again and it doesn't work out, and you try something different and it doesn't work out, but each time you're learning something new. I'm loyal and faithful to my feelings, thoughts, ideas, ambitions and dreams right until success or I discover that they are either wrong or I have a better one. This applies to everything, including relationships. I don't have expectations. A relationship can last a week, a month, or for the rest of my life it never matters how long - all that matters is that we are both happy, fulfilled and both get what we want out of the relationship. You always learn from positive failure which is why I embrace it and encourage it.

Negative failure is when you learn something you already know. This happens every so often. Nothing can be done other than walk away, let go, and start again. Everything bad happens for a reason, and it has both a positive side and if you're patient enough a funny one too. I accept and embrace this too. I am human, imperfect and because of this I'm alive.

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to TimeInEveryDay)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 4:13:25 PM   
twilightblue


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline 		I haven't had a lot of opportunities to fail in the BDSM realm. But as far as in life, failing always leads me to do a re-evaluation of myself. I figure if I failed, I either wasn't paying attention to something important when I started, or something about myself or the situation changed that caused me to fail. So I learn something from it.  I hate failing. But I love learning. So luckily this really helps with the healing process for the big failures.

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 4:37:36 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		some setup us up for failure    in my years of come across a few dommes even doms who have told me that if a sub they did not care ful and just wanted to play with they would use them then dump them in a very harsh way   this why we have very few loyal subs  thanks to stupid dommes and doms and subs be honorable   take responsiblity   a good i mean very good domme or dom will help you to grow   if there is a deep connection will guide you as a dom domme should  we create our own desteny no one is perfect   but if people would just be freaking honest  pain emotionally would be a little bit easier to deal
it hurts more when your lied to  

(in reply to twilightblue)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 5:03:42 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TimeInEveryDay

We try to allow ourselves the luxury of sometimes both feeling ridiculous and also acting ridiculous.  We've found (are finding) that not taking ourselves too seriously, and minimizing how much we attempt to measure up to others or ideals, has made life much more enjoyable.  The glass house thing, right?  It seems that anyone who seems to not make mistakes is just better at covering them up.  Just today I was teased about a mistake I made that lasted 8 yrs (the "big M")!  Three years ago it wouldn't have been that funny, but now I can't help but laugh.  We think the BDSM dynamic should be, or could be considered in the same way.  It can often hurt, but as long as you continue to learn and grow, it will work out in the end.


This struck me as perhaps the most critical piece of information provided on this thread so far -- one reason that my Darling and I have done so well, I think, for the past decade, despite all of the challenges we've been through, is because we know when to laugh at ourselves, and when to let the absurdity of the situation just -be- absurd. It feels really good to just let go and laugh at the comedy of errors that can crop up on occasion, and being able to do so leaves us healthier and happier, and allows us to pick up and move on, without getting hung up on what others may think.

CFB

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to TimeInEveryDay)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 5:14:26 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		This is probably going to sound very arrogant, and please know that is not my intention. i've read this thread a few times and the same answer comes to my mind. i don't think i have failed recently. The only times i've failed is when i give up. When i stop doing what i know or believe to be in my best interest. When i stop making myself a priority. And the reality is, even then as long as i am capable/willing to learn something positive from it i don't see it as a failure.
Perhaps i've consumed too much pain meds,
Kali


_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 5:16:46 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

How do you no matter the  head space role Top bottom , Master Mistress etc deal with personal failures ?

Live an learn... pretty much that simple.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 5:39:43 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I mentally kick myself, beat myself up and chastise myself.  When it comes to dealing with failure, I'm one mean sadistic bitch with a strong penchant for masochism and self-mutilation.  I'm like a walking, breathing, twitching, epitomy of dichotomy!  Probaly why I'm single.  Who needs a Dominant/Top when one is so good at torturing onesel?

Seriously though,  I don't really consider making a mistake a "failure," and when I think back to any GENUINE failures on my part, they are few and far between.  Those actual failures, took a great deal of self-examination, evaluation and more often than not, readjustment in my way of thinking/acting. 

What is one of those definitions of insanity?  To do the same thing repeatedly, expecting different results?  Or soemthing like that.  To fail at something, and continue to do the same thing expecting different results - is simply not a prudent investment in ones energy or time. 

WinD

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: dealing with failure? - 8/31/2008 8:37:07 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

Just putting this out there , we all have our set backs and sometimes even failures in dynamics and bdsm .I try and learn from them , try not to repeat them , try have have better and better communications-etc , yet  some lessons need to be repeated .Growth through emotional pain is often tough yet its still growth ..right ?I mean as long as something is learned or gained in the end .How do you no matter the  head space role Top bottom , Master Mistress etc deal with personal failures ?
Thanks for your input .



Haven't read the others but....bud....chill....it's all good.

It's all good.

Everything is a learning game.



(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> dealing with failure? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109