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BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 12:29:35 PM

bmtphoenix

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline

I have a problem.

I don't know if I'm schizophrenic or what, but there seems to be two mes. The one that is a Dom, and the one that is not.

When I'm in the "not Dom" mode, I want to be back in the Dom mode, but don't know how to get there. I need ideas that will keep me in that mode. I know who it is that I want to be...like, right now, I am him. If my wife/sub were home, I'd probably have her cuffed and kneeling beside me right now...and she would LOVE it. Her favorite thing is to feel used by me, to feel like she exists for no reason other than to be my toy.

Yet tomorrow I may not care. Tomorrow I may not care where she is or what she's doing as long as she is safe and feels loved. Binding her beside me will feel like an annoyance, an imposition.

So it's like I randomly switch from Dom to husband, but they somehow won't mix.

I've been with my wife/sub for 9 years and I've yet to figure out a way to conquer this, or even influence it. I wonder if it may be testosterone related, or something else chemical, because when I don't want to Dom, I still WANT to want to Dom, if that makes any sense.

Had I never experienced this "want to want to" thing, I probably wouldn't believe it exists. It's very frustrating to me, and I'm sure it frustrates my sub as well.

Post #: 1

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 12:34:33 PM

Solipsistic

Posts: 50
Joined: 10/19/2007
Status: offline

If I am reading you correctly, you go between feeling dominant and feeling like you should respect your wife's independence. This might be because a part of you isn't convince this is what she wants. You love her and don't always feel comfortable dominating her because secretly you worry she doesn't like it. I'd suggest asking for more encouragement from her. Begging can be a great motivator towards my dominant side.

(in reply to bmtphoenix)

Post #: 2

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 12:38:46 PM

bmtphoenix

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Solipsistic

If I am reading you correctly, you go between feeling dominant and feeling like you should respect your wife's independence. This might be because a part of you isn't convince this is what she wants. You love her and don't always feel comfortable dominating her because secretly you worry she doesn't like it. I'd suggest asking for more encouragement from her. Begging can be a great motivator towards my dominant side.

Well, no, quite the contrary. I always feel like she would rather be 100% controlled. There is no question about that...she is very clear and always has been.

(in reply to Solipsistic)

Post #: 3

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 12:46:41 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

I dont really get much about modes to be honest i dont know how you turn on and off the switch, however my sugesting would be some deep thinking, what do you do that makes you feel Dominant what do you enjoy etc, why do you want to be Dominant all the time, talk to your wife and think about it. Once you know what triggers that side of you then it will be easier to slip into it

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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(in reply to bmtphoenix)

Post #: 4

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 12:47:18 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Can't you just be you? People don't have to be "on" all the time. Life happens. Sometimes it is just ordinary. If things were on all the time pretty soon you don't notice. Special times are less special when it is everyday. I used to adore going to disneyland but when I could do it weekly it lost the sparkle. Now that I haven't been in a long time I really want to ride.
Kyst

(in reply to bmtphoenix)

Post #: 5

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 12:47:55 PM

Solipsistic

Posts: 50
Joined: 10/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bmtphoenix

quote:

ORIGINAL: Solipsistic

If I am reading you correctly, you go between feeling dominant and feeling like you should respect your wife's independence. This might be because a part of you isn't convince this is what she wants. You love her and don't always feel comfortable dominating her because secretly you worry she doesn't like it. I'd suggest asking for more encouragement from her. Begging can be a great motivator towards my dominant side.

Well, no, quite the contrary. I always feel like she would rather be 100% controlled. There is no question about that...she is very clear and always has been.

In which case, I wouldn't worry about it. You are the Dom, you do what you feel comfortable doing. Being annoyed by a bound sub is perfectly legitimate and doesn't make you not dominant. The trick is to make her understand that even if she wants more, she is going to get exactly as much as you want to give, because you are the one in control. In effect, make her feel like the time you are "not feeling dominant" is just another period of control; not you questioning the lifestyle.

(in reply to bmtphoenix)

Post #: 6

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 1:31:13 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bmtphoenix
I have a problem.

I don't know if I'm schizophrenic or what, but there seems to be two mes. The one that is a Dom, and the one that is not.

No you don't. I call that "being human". At least me personally, I'd like to believe there are actually dozens or thousands of "me's", each expressing in different contexts in my life. Why is it so hard to say, "Yup, sometimes I like to dominate my wife and other times I don't." Does there need to be any rhyme or reason to it? You know what? Randomly, I switch from liking french vanilla to liking cherry garcia ice cream. I don't analyze it all that much. I also consider myself my wife's master all the time, but we spend very little time doing anything even remotely resembling any sort of master/slave behavior. She's out making art in the garage right now (because I told her to have a piece ready for critique today). That's not exactly cuffed, bound, and stuffed full of objects.

I'm halfway wondering if the only problem is that you think you have a problem?

(in reply to bmtphoenix)

Post #: 7

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 1:43:29 PM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

i'm a submissive, and always will be. However, today i don't particularly FEEL like acting on it. Doesn't make me any less of a sub.

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 8

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 2:11:06 PM

bmtphoenix

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: bmtphoenix
I have a problem.

I don't know if I'm schizophrenic or what, but there seems to be two mes. The one that is a Dom, and the one that is not.

No you don't. I call that "being human". At least me personally, I'd like to believe there are actually dozens or thousands of "me's", each expressing in different contexts in my life. Why is it so hard to say, "Yup, sometimes I like to dominate my wife and other times I don't." Does there need to be any rhyme or reason to it? You know what? Randomly, I switch from liking french vanilla to liking cherry garcia ice cream. I don't analyze it all that much. I also consider myself my wife's master all the time, but we spend very little time doing anything even remotely resembling any sort of master/slave behavior. She's out making art in the garage right now (because I told her to have a piece ready for critique today). That's not exactly cuffed, bound, and stuffed full of objects.

I'm halfway wondering if the only problem is that you think you have a problem?

First off, "cuffed, bound, and stuffed full of objects" made me laugh... :)

No, there doesn't have to be a rhyme or reason to it...and if it were day by day that would be different...but it's more week to week, sometimes month to month. I just don't feel like I'm being me. I feel like there's something stopping it. I feel like the real me could easily and happily consider binding her to sleep a nightly, natural thing. But then, randomly, I just stop caring, and I can't figure out what it is that changes.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 9

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 2:18:06 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Hrrrmmmmmmm....

OK, well then the only thing I can do is look inside myself and say that similar behavior in me is largely influenced by both my mood AND by the current level of submissiveness of my wife. If she is distracted for whatever reasons, I'm probably going to feel less domly at that moment (not generally). Conversely, if she is demonstrating her submissiveness in ways that register to me (whatever that is for you), then it tends to spark my own domliness. So that makes me wonder... do you have any "trigger behaviors" of hers that ring your chimes and make you want to thump your chest and claim her and all? Is there any relation between her doing these behaviors and your current level of domliness?

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to bmtphoenix)

Post #: 10

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 2:35:27 PM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

dear Sir Pheonix,

it doesn't sound like a problem to me. you just have changing moods like most other human beings.

I have had one real time experience with a Master so far (and I still love him deeply as a friend), and when we were together he went through many moods and attidudes.. even at times he could be very passive, cuddly and agreeable and ask me to make decisions such as what to order at a restaurant.

Didn't make him any less Domly or my Master.. he just had a very varied and unpredictable personality, something I just adored.

Maybe you should find a way to be in a non-Dom mood without questioning or critisizing yourself.

scottish dove

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 11

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 4:01:37 PM

sweetNYsub

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: natasha66

i'm a submissive, and always will be. However, today i don't particularly FEEL like acting on it. Doesn't make me any less of a sub.

I am fairly new to all of this, so I am looking at this from the view of an inexperienced submissive. What concerns me about a D/s relationship is the seemingly unbalanced nature of such a relationship. When the Dom is not in the mood, he is not in the mood, and the submisisve is supposed to go in the corner and amuse herself until he IS in the mood to dominate her. But if the submisisve is not in the mood, too bad -- her role is to submit, whether she feels it or not, right?

I have read over and over again about submissives who ache to be touched, or dominated, or be shown some sign he is paying attention that she is there. I understand it is a power exchange relationship, but how do submissives endure those times when the Dom is not in the mood, and she is left alone without his attention, direction, or domination?

Being a submissive in a D/s relationship scares me because it sounds so lonely and empty so much of the time, just waiting until HE is in the mood for HER. Or am I missing something?

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 12

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 6:28:17 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetNYsub
I am fairly new to all of this, so I am looking at this from the view of an inexperienced submissive. What concerns me about a D/s relationship is the seemingly unbalanced nature of such a relationship. When the Dom is not in the mood, he is not in the mood, and the submisisve is supposed to go in the corner and amuse herself until he IS in the mood to dominate her. But if the submisisve is not in the mood, too bad -- her role is to submit, whether she feels it or not, right?

I have read over and over again about submissives who ache to be touched, or dominated, or be shown some sign he is paying attention that she is there. I understand it is a power exchange relationship, but how do submissives endure those times when the Dom is not in the mood, and she is left alone without his attention, direction, or domination?

Being a submissive in a D/s relationship scares me because it sounds so lonely and empty so much of the time, just waiting until HE is in the mood for HER. Or am I missing something?

Yes sweet... You are missing something. It's exactly the thing you THINK you are missing too... so good news there. You're question, in short, can be boiled down to fairness... so it's obvioius what the sub is giving, but what about the dom? There's a simple answer too. Consider yourself. Would you, in fact, submit to me if you couldn't see anything that you got out of it? Probably not I'm guessing. Neither would anyone else I know. What a sub gets is as unique as what a dom gets. But you have to assume that in any relationship that's gone on more than about 3 years or so, that somehow, "fairness" is happening. Somehow, the sub is perceiving good and sufficient value for whatever it is that she's contributing to the relationship. I can give you some insight into my relationship, which will be not particularly like anyone else's...

My role as the dominant is not to "get my way". My role is to understand what she wants and needs, what I want and need, and to craft a single unified view from that of what WE want and need. Then I give commands to that effect. I get to say both when and how my wife's needs will be met, but not if they will be met. Clearly, if they are NOT being met, then eventually we will get divorced. From my wife's standpoint, she gets to not have to make the decisions, plans, and strategies and, magically, everything works out. From my standpoint, I get my own wants and needs met when I choose and.... everythign works out.. which I also like.

Yes, there are some inexperienced doms who watched story of o one too many times. But for the most part, most of the doms who actually have held together a D/s relationship for more than 3 years or so understand that no matter what it may look like, the actuality of any successful relationship is that both parties are getting all of their needs met and some reasonable percentage of their wants. There are also a lot of subs that WANT the fantasy of "it's all about the master". That's fine and it's a wonderful gift that a dom can give such a sub... so long as the dom remembers it's a fantasy that he's enabling, not the reality of the relationship.

Even though my wife obeys me at all times... even when it's a pain in the ass for her... she would be the first to tell you that there is nothing unfair or one-sided about our relationship. All of which kind of makes sense when you remember that I LOVE THE WOMAN!! and would want nothing less for her. Insofar as sob stories from submissives, just remember that there are an awful lot of bad relationships, vanilla and D/s both. There's lots of neglected partners in the world.. males and females. That's not an indictment on D/s as a relationship strategy, it's just a statement about how poor most people are at having a relationship.

I hope that helps. If you have further questions, feel free to drop me an email on the other side.

(in reply to sweetNYsub)

Post #: 13

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 7:38:34 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Are you always horny? Aren't you sometimes tired and would rather watch the ball game?

Are you always interested in 3 course meals with superb matching wine choices per course? Or aren't there times you would rather grab a burger and fries?

Of course you aren't always into play. As far as being up for play, that's different than not being dominant. Dominant is about being in charge, having the right to make decisions or delegate them. As far as her always being ready to be used, tell her to deal with it and rub your feet instead. Or read a book.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 14

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 9:52:35 PM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

sweetNYsub, i can understand why you are feeling concerned.

there is a lot of confusing information here and other places about the D/s relationship.

i see a lot of Dom's and subs too suscribe to the 'it's all about the Dom' aspect and how the sub doesn't have to like it.

reality is, it is a relationship of give and take on both sides. the two people involved invent the relationship between the two of them according to what they both need.

if you don't feel cared for and listened to by a Dominant, stop talking to them. wait until you get a Dom who 'gets' you and is willing to do the work to reassure you, build trust with you, and show you that the relationship will work for you too.

the subs who come in here crying about neglect and poor treatement, probably didnt' have the experience or patience to wait for the right Dom and are facing the consequences of their choice. and the right Dom is the one who you have a good mutual match in terms of meeting each other's needs.

note: this advice is as much to myself as to you... *lol*

take care,

alice

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 15

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 11:48:16 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetNYsub

I am fairly new to all of this, so I am looking at this from the view of an inexperienced submissive. What concerns me about a D/s relationship is the seemingly unbalanced nature of such a relationship. When the Dom is not in the mood, he is not in the mood, and the submisisve is supposed to go in the corner and amuse herself until he IS in the mood to dominate her. But if the submisisve is not in the mood, too bad -- her role is to submit, whether she feels it or not, right?

In the fairytale world of Ds that might be the case. But in a healthy, established relationship that would not be the case.

quote:

I have read over and over again about submissives who ache to be touched, or dominated, or be shown some sign he is paying attention that she is there. I understand it is a power exchange relationship, but how do submissives endure those times when the Dom is not in the mood, and she is left alone without his attention, direction, or domination?

If you are not communicating your need, how can the dominant be expected to dominate? A lack of attention has nothing to do with Ds. If you are in a relationship like this and you are feeling ignored, the problem is not that it is Ds but that you are in an incompatable relationship OR that you are making your own bed and lying in it. You are settling.

quote:

Being a submissive in a D/s relationship scares me because it sounds so lonely and empty so much of the time, just waiting until HE is in the mood for HER. Or am I missing something?

I believe you are. Never in my relationship have I ever felt ignored or lonely. If I have a problem or a need, I request from Darcy. He will decide and communicate the exact reasons why I will or will not be receiving said need. His authority is always confirmed, as his love and care. Don't be under the impression that to be in a Ds relationship you are expected to settle...which is exactly what I am getting from your posts.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to sweetNYsub)

Post #: 16

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/1/2008 11:50:47 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

brillinat post, dark (you gorgeous woman! love to you both!)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 17

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/2/2008 4:22:19 AM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

<QR>

When I started spending long tracks of time with My Pet this became an issue - me (or her, but mostly me) not feeling the power exchange thing. By the time we stumbled into a 24-7 thing, it became crystal clear that sometimes she was slave, sometimes she was friend. Sometimes she was girlfriend. Sometimes she was hooker. Sometimes she was buddy. One time she was a naughty accountant from Utah.

Maybe 1/2 my time with Petgirl is spent goofing around, pretending to be animals, being vanilla, flirting with her having power (like when she points to the shower and says "GO!" but I grumble and drag my feet, so she pushes me).

It's normal. If it works for you, great. Sometimes you feel like putting a bitch back in her place. Sometimes you feel like watching The Dark Knight again before the "gone from theatre" gap. Sometimes you want your submissive to stick it to you with the strap on. Sometimes you want to hold hands and hike through the river. Whatever you want, if it works for you, it works.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 18

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/2/2008 6:42:44 AM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

Yeah HeavensKeeper for admitting Dom's can be goofy and not always in charge.

I get so sick of the 100% types...

alice

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 19

RE: BEING a Dom - 9/2/2008 6:53:49 AM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

Why would you think you are any different than the rest of us. Hell my last female called me silly because of the random things i did when i was in a good mood...Of course i had to body slam her for saying it...but still. Be yourself, who cares.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

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(in reply to bmtphoenix)

Post #: 20

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