Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life?

Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (Full Version)

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LittleWench -> Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 4:50:47 PM)
I hijacked my own "Being Bratty" thread with the following statement after seeing what I felt was an interesting dynamic appear... How do you know if a Dom/me is actually capable of being dominant without having that reinforced? Sure you meet, you are compatible, he tells you to do something, you do it. That's compatability, not dominance and submission. You're told to do something, and you do it, because you want to, because it's mutually beneficial to do so. That paragraph caused that thread to become muddied and confused, however I feel it is a topic worthy of further discussion. Naturally I received comments like "Do you test your bank by bouncing checks, just make sure they hit you with that $35 overdraft fee?" but that is completely different, has nothing to do with personal interactions between two unknown entities or exploring the potential dynamic between two people that could eventually form a relationship. A bank is a large body corporate with no personality that has rules in place that cannot be shifted by one individual, and if you break those rules (overdraft your account) then naturally you will face the consequences. A person is changeable, shifting, moody, non-constant and entirely capable of changing their mind according to any given situation. Now the dynamic that I saw was submissives stating that they didn't need their dominant to show any form of dominance in order to know they were dominant. I "just know" that my Dom/me is dominant, it's an aura about them, an energy, they inspire me, support me, motivate me... no they have never had to punish me, I would never do anything to make them want to punish me, I would feel too guilty or upset at myself for disappointing them... isn't that self regulation? Isn't that pushing yourself to be pleasing and obedient, rather than your dominant? There's nothing wrong with that, pushing yourself to achieve perfection or to be pleasing, but who is the dominant in that situation? The submissive who has the need to be obedient, is constantly the one punishing themselves, pushing themselves and striving to be such, or the person who simply gave a directive expecting it to be obeyed?

MadRabbit -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:10:23 PM)
Generally, I find people who need to make sure there partner is "dominant" and need to make sure they are "not dropping the ball" by testing them are people who need to grow up, but of course, there might be some greater reason that I am missing to wrecking the enjoyable fabric of the relationship with a power struggle. My dominance is something that "is" and girls either hear the music or they don't. The sheer fact that they are willing to please me and do what I want and the fact that I bring out that internal driving force in them is empirical evidence enough of that. If they aren't wanting to do what I want and are instead of having to test me to make sure I am this thing, then that is evidence that I clearly am not "dominant" to them and we don't need to be in a relationship. And if you were to test me, should I dominate you in your way in response? Administer the proper punishment for your disobedience that meets your criteria? Will you give me the "Dominant Stamp of Approval" or give me an "F" for not taking the proper "dominant" action? Bend me over your knee and give me a spanking for not properly expressing my dominance? My usual response when I find someone purposefully playing these games, is to do the exact opposite of the response they are anticipating or looking for by attempting to manipulate me into "being dominant".

slaveluci -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:19:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LittleWench There's nothing wrong with that, pushing yourself to achieve perfection or to be pleasing, but who is the dominant in that situation? The submissive who has the need to be obedient, is constantly the one punishing themselves, pushing themselves and striving to be such, or the person who simply gave a directive expecting it to be obeyed? I think this is an interesting point and I'm curiously awaiting the reply of others. For me, I would say it is still Master who is dominant in such a scenario because I don't have "the need to be odedient" to anyone else in the ways I am to Him. I don't "punish" myself, "push" myself and "strive" to be such to anyone else but Him. Yes, He may have "simply given a directive" EXPECTING it to be obeyed but He can't give those directives to just anyone and EXPECT (know, actually) that they will be obeyed. As a matter of fact, I don't know of anyone else on this here globe that follows His directives as I do. There is no one else who gives orders to me that they know will be obeyed, either. So, in just such a scenario, He is the dominant party. Just because I choose to be pleasing and obedient to Him always doesn't mean He's not dominant. Would it make Him "dominant" if I chose to be bratty and He had to "force" me to obey? I think that would indicate less dominance, indeed. I'm not being as clear on this as I'd like. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do have a need to be obedient to Him BECAUSE of His dominance. I push and strive to be what He wants BECAUSE of His dominance. He can know that, at the mere mention of something, it will be done because I submit to His dominance. I don't care about striving to please or obeying anyone else in the ways I do Him. Why? Because I have chosen to submit to His dominance and His alone. If He wasn't really the dominant party, I wouldn't be in this relationship to start with and I certainly wouldn't be worried about pleasing Him and living up to His standards................luci

aravain -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:21:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit Generally, I find people who need to make sure there partner is "dominant" and need to make sure they are "not dropping the ball" by testing them are people who need to grow up, but of course, there might be some greater reason that I am missing to wrecking the enjoyable fabric of the relationship with a power struggle. Hmmm... If I understand correctly a 'struggle' is like a game of rope pull. What you describe in your post isn't indicative of a 'struggle' though.

slaveluci -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:29:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit My dominance is something that "is" and girls either hear the music or they don't. The sheer fact that they are willing to please me and do what I want and the fact that I bring out that internal driving force in them is empirical evidence enough of that. And if you were to test me, should I dominate you in your way in response? Administer the proper punishment for your disobedience that meets your criteria? Will you give me the "Dominant Stamp of Approval" or give me an "F" for not taking the proper "dominant" action? Bend me over your knee and give me a spanking for not properly expressing my dominance? My usual response when I find someone purposefully playing these games, is to do the exact opposite of the response they are anticipating or looking for by attempting to manipulate me into "being dominant". [image]http://www.collarchat.com/upfiles/smiley/goodpost.gif[/image]. Once again, your wisdom shines through, MR. Great points! luci

Icarys -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:30:51 PM)
Why wouldn't it be, explain.? I think that's exactly what he's saying.

Icarys -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:32:52 PM)
quote: My usual response when I find someone purposefully playing these games, is to do the exact opposite of the response they are anticipating or looking for by attempting to manipulate me into "being dominant". That's my response as well.

aravain -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:38:49 PM)
Well... there's no struggle. Not really. There's someone doing stuff for someone else, essentially. There's no struggle, there's no force, there's not even a momentary thought of apprehension on either side in MadRabbit's explanation. I'm not saying it doesn't have BDSM qualities or dynamics (quite the opposite)... I'm just trying to understand how it constitutes a 'power struggle' in any sense of the words. There has to be a better label than 'power struggle' for a relationship where there IS no struggle with power on either side... I just can't think of it.

Icarys -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:42:23 PM)
If i'm getting you correctly you have missed what he meant. The power struggle was referring to what the op was posting. her situation was the so called power struggle. If the female did what was expected then of course there wouldn't be a struggle.

catize -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:48:33 PM)
I’m not quite sure what you hope to accomplish by starting a new thread that reiterates your stance on brattiness. You are in a relationship, you say, where that particular dynamic works for you and your dominant. Why not be happy with what you have? Just because it is right for you doesn’t mean it must be right for other folks. [sm=beatdeadhorse.gif]

Icarys -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:50:53 PM)
Maybe they will get more of the answers they are looking for?

MadRabbit -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:53:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: aravain quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit Generally, I find people who need to make sure there partner is "dominant" and need to make sure they are "not dropping the ball" by testing them are people who need to grow up, but of course, there might be some greater reason that I am missing to wrecking the enjoyable fabric of the relationship with a power struggle. Hmmm... If I understand correctly a 'struggle' is like a game of rope pull. What you describe in your post isn't indicative of a 'struggle' though. Because usually when someone is testing someone's dominance, it involves the submissive defying the other dominant's will and then the dominant taking some action to enforce his will.

stella41b -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:53:41 PM)
I think this is a case of trying to stretch the meaning of the word 'dominant'. What I'm getting here is the OP when he refers to the submissive being the dominant force is referring to self-discipline and self-control. I may be wrong but this is what I'm getting right now.

aravain -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 5:55:44 PM)
Re-reading it I'm pretty sure I got the context right... he said that 'testing' a dominant would be "wrecking the enjoyable fabric of the relationship with a power struggle." Which would indicate that he's calling a relationship where no such 'insubordination' occurs a power struggle relationship. We'll have to wait for him to call it :) EDIT: Looks like I was wrong. Ah well. Disregard me :)

Icarys -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 6:03:55 PM)
maybe so.. she's not being dominant because she's showing some self control or self restraint. I prefer my females that way..I don't think i should be that voice for them every step of the way. Don't do this or stop that..why would anyone want that. I shouldn't have to flex the ole dominant muscle for her to know her place either.

Missokyst -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 7:22:43 PM)
I push myself all the time. Yes it is self regulation, it is me taking me to what ever level is needed to do my job. BUT, the things I do for me, for my job, for my cash flow, or reputation are self serving. The things I did for him, I would do for no other man unless he was important to me. Sure I will work my ass off to take care of my needs, but I am not a servant. I don't have a desire to please all. But for that one in my life, I would do my best to be what he needed. It is not a matter of being punished if I wasn't successful. It is a matter of having someone in my life who inspires me to think of someone else. Someone who I would put before me and my needs. There are few people that can inspire that. And those that do are self confident, can see why I do what I do, and refocus me so the pressure is relieved. I am tough enough on me. I am a bitch of a self boss. Anyone that can make me secure enough to feel I can loosen the reigns has my vote as a dominant. Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: LittleWench Now the dynamic that I saw was submissives stating that they didn't need their dominant to show any form of dominance in order to know they were dominant. I "just know" that my Dom/me is dominant, it's an aura about them, an energy, they inspire me, support me, motivate me... no they have never had to punish me, I would never do anything to make them want to punish me, I would feel too guilty or upset at myself for disappointing them... isn't that self regulation?

DesFIP -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 7:42:39 PM)
The difference is that I don't feel like going to these efforts for anyone else. He's the only one who inspires me. I think basically it's chemistry, either you feel it or you don't. A guy could do/say all the right things but if I don't feel anything, then I'm not going to show up in a garter belt and stockings. He simply has to inspire me, hit the right buttons, for me to be willing to do this.

Wildfleurs -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 7:46:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LittleWench I hijacked my own "Being Bratty" thread with the following statement after seeing what I felt was an interesting dynamic appear... How do you know if a Dom/me is actually capable of being dominant without having that reinforced? Sure you meet, you are compatible, he tells you to do something, you do it. That's compatability, not dominance and submission. You're told to do something, and you do it, because you want to, because it's mutually beneficial to do so. That paragraph caused that thread to become muddied and confused, however I feel it is a topic worthy of further discussion. Naturally I received comments like "Do you test your bank by bouncing checks, just make sure they hit you with that $35 overdraft fee?" but that is completely different, has nothing to do with personal interactions between two unknown entities or exploring the potential dynamic between two people that could eventually form a relationship. A bank is a large body corporate with no personality that has rules in place that cannot be shifted by one individual, and if you break those rules (overdraft your account) then naturally you will face the consequences. A person is changeable, shifting, moody, non-constant and entirely capable of changing their mind according to any given situation. Now the dynamic that I saw was submissives stating that they didn't need their dominant to show any form of dominance in order to know they were dominant. I "just know" that my Dom/me is dominant, it's an aura about them, an energy, they inspire me, support me, motivate me... no they have never had to punish me, I would never do anything to make them want to punish me, I would feel too guilty or upset at myself for disappointing them... isn't that self regulation? Isn't that pushing yourself to be pleasing and obedient, rather than your dominant? There's nothing wrong with that, pushing yourself to achieve perfection or to be pleasing, but who is the dominant in that situation? The submissive who has the need to be obedient, is constantly the one punishing themselves, pushing themselves and striving to be such, or the person who simply gave a directive expecting it to be obeyed? I can only say that I know who's dominant in the relationship because I've fucked up... I'm human. I've actually disagreed with decisions and pushed back on directives. Its not remotely a frequent occurrence, but its happened over the ten years that we've been together. Despite those things, in the end he's gotten what he wants but through those experiences I have certainly seen what he's made of. Most basically I don't think there's any need to to test or act bratty on purpose... life with its twists and turns that include dominants with their authority to make some incredibly difficult decisions will put enough things before you that will show what both people are made of. I certainly don't believe in willful disobedience, nor do I think its appropriate but I also believe that people are human and sometimes we do things we don't really intend to do or in moments of confusion or pain act in ways that we really shouldn't. And regardless, I still strive to do what he wants, when he wants, as he wants it. C~

littlekitten1 -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 8:41:22 PM)
Man... I can see the whole defying-dom thing being tiring in the end if it keeps happening. But that said, one of the main factors that are important to me in bdsm, is that my dom will have an active influence on me. I wouldn't be able to live with having to direct myself, without him doing that 'extra' thing... Being the deviant being that he is [8D]. If I'd have to be my own dominant, I wouldn't need him. It all comes to what we need out of a bdsm relationship in the end. For me, I get fulfilled when a dom is active in his role... That way... It feels like I'm doing it for him, not me.

MrRodgers -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/1/2008 9:05:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit My dominance is something that "is" and girls either hear the music or they don't. The sheer fact that they are willing to please me and do what I want and the fact that I bring out that internal driving force in them is empirical evidence enough of that. And if you were to test me, should I dominate you in your way in response? Administer the proper punishment for your disobedience that meets your criteria? Will you give me the "Dominant Stamp of Approval" or give me an "F" for not taking the proper "dominant" action? Bend me over your knee and give me a spanking for not properly expressing my dominance? My usual response when I find someone purposefully playing these games, is to do the exact opposite of the response they are anticipating or looking for by attempting to manipulate me into "being dominant". [sm=goodpost.gif]. Once again, your wisdom shines through, MR. Great points! luci Again, if there are 'tests' and 'manipulation'...there is no dominance and there is no submission. Upon any recognition and with once "That will be just about enough out of you young lady" and that's not enough...then one should be looking at the beginning of the end of that affair.

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