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online D/s relationship... - 9/1/2008 11:34:38 PM

illuminateme

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i am new to this.... what are people's thoughts about having D/s relationship online. Is it possible to have one? What is expected f rom the Dom and the sub? What can both do to achieve this kind of relationship?
thanks

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 12:31:05 AM

L8bloomer

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I know this isn't an answer and certainly not the answer you're looking for, but why on earth would you want a cyber relationship in D/s? How unfulfilling is that? *sighs*

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 2:31:07 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: illuminateme

i am new to this.... what are people's thoughts about having D/s relationship online. Is it possible to have one? What is expected f rom the Dom and the sub? What can both do to achieve this kind of relationship?
thanks

Hello illuminate.
As you can see, you are very likely to get negative feedback when it comes to online relationships. Collarme tends to be more people in realtime relationships as opposed to virtual time.

That said, people tend to negate the fact that the majority of people who meet online have a online relationship for a short while. What you personally need to decide is if this is how you want to start, and if their is a goal at the end of it... such as meeting and progressing onto real life.

Another consideration to take on board is that for some people online is a fetish, just like any fetish.

You have to realise that online is completely different to non online as realistically, there are many things that can be easier - there are many things that will be much harder. If you are using it as a tool for introduction, I wouldn't let a few naysayers put you off as many people started online and then progressed into visiting munches and group participation.

If this is a permenant activity you want to participate in, just remain realistic - knowing that what you do online is different to reality and fantasies can be talked through that cannot always be done in reality.

the.dark.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 2:33:16 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: L8bloomer

I know this isn't an answer and certainly not the answer you're looking for, but why on earth would you want a cyber relationship in D/s? How unfulfilling is that? *sighs*

Way to go to encourage a new poster - apart from negating the relationships of others - including many people here who post regularly and as far as I have seen by the 'popularity threads' - some of the most respected.

the.dark.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 2:43:09 AM

L8bloomer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: L8bloomer

I know this isn't an answer and certainly not the answer you're looking for, but why on earth would you want a cyber relationship in D/s? How unfulfilling is that? *sighs*

Way to go to encourage a new poster - apart from negating the relationships of others - including many people here who post regularly and as far as I have seen by the 'popularity threads' - some of the most respected.

the.dark.

Read into it what you like, but I'm not negating the relationships of others. What I understood the OP's question to be was in relation to a solely online relationship with no intent for anything else. Perhaps that is my misinterpretation, but then again, misinterpretation is definitely common online, as indicated by your post as well.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 2:50:46 AM

RCdc

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My 'interpretation' is pretty spot on for your post. You jumped to a conclusion without asking or defining the OP - you made a judgement for yourself - which is absolutely cool - but in that, it negates others relationships. Even if you don;t see that, doesn't make it not true. There are plenty of online relationships that moved into realtime or that become positive influences in their lives.

The OP was specific in asking the expectation of either orientation. I gave it. You gave the information that it is unfullfilling full stop. My belief is that you are projecting your personal belief onto everyone with such a wide generalisation.

the.dark.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 3:08:46 AM

lusciouslips19

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To be perfectly honest...well you both are projecting your own beliefs. Thats life!

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 3:10:12 AM

RCdc

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*snogs*

the.dark.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 3:17:56 AM

lusciouslips19

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I admit, this comes from my personal perspective and experience. I think online is akin to a LDR which in my experience is unfulfilling. I did a lot of cybering about 4 years ago. It was the segue before getting out and finding a real relationship. I had just left my marriage. But it does work for others. I found it unfulfiling and i kept pineing for more.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 4:08:38 AM

HeavansKeeper

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quote:

ORIGINAL: illuminateme

i am new to this.... what are people's thoughts about having D/s relationship online. Is it possible to have one? What is expected f rom the Dom and the sub? What can both do to achieve this kind of relationship?
thanks

I consider myself quite knowledgeable when it comes to long distance and online relationships. I keep promising myself not to get into any, but one after another, they keep falling into my lap - And while they work, are the best relationships I've ever been in.

It is certainly possible to have an online D/s relationship. It's difficult, though. Being online allows a more candid posture, and hence more truth. (The same factors that allow for added honesty and openness also allow for lies and deceit. It depends on if the person is using their power for good or evil.) The true trouble of long distance is making oneself feel "there."

My Pet and I have a long distance relationship, which started online. (By the way, I'm a bit self conscious about that and have lied about it - saying she was a friend of a friend. Not so proud =P.) Every day, My Pet and I battle to feel physically there.

Some things I do: I put her on written, physical, and mental assignments. Her disciplines are sometimes easy, but some are very taxing. I've sent her to pick up doughnuts under the name "James Master" so she has to look someone in the eye and say "I'm here to pick up Master's doughnuts." I have her imagining everyone who says "please" at work is saying "bitch." She works in food service: "Can I have some more bread, bitch?" "More lettuce, bitch." "Bitch, get me some salt." etc...

These are mental tasks she does for me. Why? Because whether I'm sitting at home 2 miles away, or sitting at home 2,000 miles away, she feels the same sense of pride and fulfillment.

She has written assignments, her and her mistress (and occasionally I) write stories together. She is often required to respond to topics on this forum (she rarely publicizes the response, but emails it to me).

She has physical disciplines as well. She has learned to deep throat under my instruction. She cums only with her owners' permission. This is where long distance (and online) relationships linger. I can have her spank herself, but I can't spank her. I can have her gag herself with a dildo, but I can't gag her. I can have her dress anyway I so choose, but I cannot peel her stockings down. I can have her tug her pigtails, but I can't tug them. Then there are more creative adaptations. I can't cum on her face from 2,000 miles away, but I can have her spit in her hand and rub it on her face.

Physically as well, UPS has made it possible for me to give her things. Trinkets. Small reminders of my love for her and my power over her. While I cannot be there, she wears a collar on her wrist, or carries her tag, or cuddles our teddy bear. It's not a replacement, but it helps. (Yea, we have two teddy bears we cycle back and forth - scent is a hell of a drug.)

All of this makes her feel my presence a tiny bit more. It's enough to hold things together until I get to see her next. And those times are... heaven, Heavan.

I feel a long distance deal requires a submissive with exceptionally strong will. I know she's not cheating on these assignments. Her tone proves her honesty. If she didn't struggle to be mine so hard, she would. She'd cum without permission, fake the spanks and hair pulling, ask for "Mr. Master's doughnuts." I trust she isn't.

I'm not saying the long distance submissive is better than the local one, but I am saying a weak submissive, one who needs to be wrestled into place, is not going to do well. The punishment/correction/bondage (of all types) they seek will not be strong enough.

Who would want to have this? Over a 'normal' (I love when the word normal comes up in a BDSM website) relationship? No one. I'd love if Pet was here. It would have its own difficulties, but it would be so great. I love my time when I'm with her.

I am very fulfilled in my relationship. We set the rules. If she needs a real spanking, we can get her a play partner. If I really NEEDED a blowjob, I'm sure My Pet would (against her true will) support my choice. She's a very good slavegirl. One in charge of her own submission, one wanting to be owned. That is what it takes.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 4:21:34 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I admit, this comes from my personal perspective and experience. I think online is akin to a LDR which in my experience is unfulfilling. I did a lot of cybering about 4 years ago. It was the segue before getting out and finding a real relationship. I had just left my marriage. But it does work for others. I found it unfulfiling and i kept pineing for more.

I believe that deciding whether taking on an online relationship will eventually lead to reality interaction is a key to being fulfilled or not. Darcy and I were very specific when we first began interacting. We never cybered, we never played online. It was important that we balanced online with reality with an eventual goal. There was occasional frustration but being unfulfilled was never an issue because we had a goal and each other.

the.dark.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 4:22:41 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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Heaven's Keeper said it eloquently and beautifully than i would have described the fulfillment received being in an LDR/online relationship with Daddy.

like he said, it does take a strong submissive to handle the distance and separation. i don't need to physically feel that He loves me. i know He does but not by saying "i love you". He shows it by sending small tokens to sharing His favorite music files. it's a special kind of Daddy-daughter love and relationship which i never had with my real father.

sometimes i do get punished and Daddy's quite creative about that - from writing lines to no communication (hardest of them all). He does it not only to correct me but show that He care when i'm bad while hoping i've learned a lesson as well.

though some may say it wouldn't last more than 3 months. mine with Daddy just turned into 2yrs last month and we're looking forward to many more as we grow old together.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 4:23:43 AM

camille65

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quote:

.

quote:

ORIGINAL: illuminateme

i am new to this.... what are people's thoughts about having D/s relationship online. Is it possible to have one? What is expected f rom the Dom and the sub? What can both do to achieve this kind of relationship?
thanks

Absolutely it is possible to have one. As to whether or not it succeeds depends upon the expectations of the parties involved. You have to understand that you will be going to bed and waking up alone. For me, that is the biggest hurdle.

We meet every 90 days or so for a week which is what keeps me going. For the first 3 years it was strictly online but we did have the goal of eventually meeting. I probably would have continued the relationship even if we didn't plan to meet but knowing it would eventually happen made a difference for me.

Your question 'What is expected from the Dom and sub?' really can't be answered by anyone else. The expectations are set between the people involved.

He watches me go to sleep on cam, and typically he is watching me before I wake up (unless I just happen to wake early). So we do spend that time together, plenty of phone calls during the day too. I'd bet that we make more phone calls to each other than people that live together and work during the day.

I'm so glad that unlimited long distance is a part of my calling plan lol.

I think one of the main things is the possibility of unhappiness due to the lack of physical contact. In the end I am happy with him, being owned by him. He has kept me for over 8 years... so yeah these things can and do work.

In fact I just made flight reservations to go see him in 15 days!

My long term dream seems to be working out. We will be spending much of our time together looking for an apartment or condo for me to move into.

(however, until the closing papers are actually signed I refuse to say that my house is sold lol).

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 4:28:05 AM

camille65

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I admit, this comes from my personal perspective and experience. I think online is akin to a LDR which in my experience is unfulfilling. I did a lot of cybering about 4 years ago. It was the segue before getting out and finding a real relationship. I had just left my marriage. But it does work for others. I found it unfulfiling and i kept pineing for more.

I believe that deciding whether taking on an online relationship will eventually lead to reality interaction is a key to being fulfilled or not. Darcy and I were very specific when we first began interacting. We never cybered, we never played online. It was important that we balanced online with reality with an eventual goal. There was occasional frustration but being unfulfilled was never an issue because we had a goal and each other.

the.dark.

In the beginning neither one of us had the end goal of being together, I was really quite okay with it being an LDR. Then things started to fall into place, unexpectedly. I was scared that it would cause some kind of shift towards things not working anymore but the opposite happened and omg he is ecstatic that I'm moving.

I'm terrified lolol. I don't like change and moving across the country is a damn big change!
He just keeps reinforcing that he wants me there (which really helps).

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 4:46:09 AM

chamberqueen

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My first D/s relationship was online only. I took training from a Dom and learned a lot. He really got inside my head, and made me feel like he truly understood me. We communicated many times a day, and one of my tasks was to write a journal for him each night. He had many physical tasks for me as well. I finally ended the relationship when I realized that we would never meet, and I needed a man in my life who wanted to touch me. He admitted that because I was such a good learner that he took me too fast and wasn't careful enough to make sure that my emotions had time to catch up. We still stay in touch, years later, and he checks on me to make sure I am doing ok.

Online experiences and expectations are just as varied as those in real life. I have had many online relationships since as a Domme. Some men want a woman that they can pour their heart out to, others want physical pleasure only, some care about pleasing the Domme and others only themselves. Some want contact several times a day while others want contact only for a session. It is the same mix as you get in real time.

If it is something that you are looking into doing, keep in mind that it is easier to hide things from others - both from your side and from theirs - when you are online. It is easier for me to put some things in writing than to say them aloud, but for others it is the opposite. They may never be able to tell you exactly how they feel. They may lie about their gender, marital status, or any other pertinent fact. Some people play out cons online, either for affection or for money.

An online relationship CAN be very fulfilling. You would have to ask a potential partner what they are looking for to know the true expectations, but for many it is a great stepping stone - either to a real time relationship later or while waiting for the right "one" to come along.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 4:52:46 AM

RCdc

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I probabaly wasn't very clear camille... I apologise. Obviously when we first met we couldn't make a decision there and then that we would have a goal. That came a while later. If our decision had not been mutual (or even if I had not submitted in such a way to his desire) then I can see how online would have been unfulfilling for us at that time. I believe people just have to be realistic to change.

And by the way - this...

quote:

He watches me go to sleep on cam, and typically he is watching me before I wake up (unless I just happen to wake early).

...made me go all gooey.

the.dark.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 4:58:12 AM

TNstepsout

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Online relationships can be just as intense and in some ways, as fulfilling as real life, it is just different. For obvious reasons, the relationship is more mental than physical, so if both parties really invest in the relationship, it can create a very deep psychogical bond. I think everyone should try it at least once. It's very illuminating to experience how people bond and connect to one another when physical touch and the ability to see/read body language etc.... is not available.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 5:06:21 AM

barelynangel

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I appreciate the honest answers of this thread. i am not an advocate of online relationships shy away from them with all rush lol but as many have said sometimes prior to meeting, this may have to occur. If i may, I have a question regarding happenings i have recently heard about for those who have experienced an online relationship that was to be a concept of D/s prior to meeting, how do you stop a downward spiral that started with the Man losing the trust of the woman based on his actions, or visa versa, then it seems that every conversation had after that tends to end up in a fighting and childish tantrums of both parties no matter that the parties were trying not to have that happen and blame for same being cast by both parties? Is there a way to get beyond that and move to a point where the parties aren't constantly braced for negative reactions or actions from the other person and it always coming to pass or is it best to just move on?

Thanks for any time, this is a curiosity of how people online without the physical connection heal wounds and get past declined trust online.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 9/2/2008 5:07:26 AM >

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 5:13:02 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

If i may, I have a question regarding happenings i have recently heard about for those who have experienced an online relationship that was to be a concept of D/s prior to meeting, how do you stop a downward spiral that started with the Man losing the trust of the woman based on his actions, or visa versa, then it seems that every conversation had after that tends to end up in a fighting and childish tantrums of both parties no matter that the parties were trying not to have that happen and blame for same being cast by both parties? Is there a way to get beyond that and move to a point where the parties aren't constantly braced for negative reactions or actions from the other person and it always coming to pass or is it best to just move on?

Thanks for any time, this is a curiosity of how people online without the physical connection heal wounds and get past declined trust online.

angel

The part I highlighted in red is a bit squiffy for me, could you explain what you mean ?

Other than that, if actions are not meeting words, then I don't believe it can be resolved. The question is a bit too vague to answer properly though in my opinion. You are either people who can either start a fresh slate or you cannot.

the.dark.

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RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 5:17:44 AM

Aileen1968

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quote:

ORIGINAL: illuminateme

i am new to this.... what are people's thoughts about having D/s relationship online. Is it possible to have one? What is expected f rom the Dom and the sub? What can both do to achieve this kind of relationship?
thanks

It's quite possible to have an online d/s relationship. Whether or not it's fulfilling is a whole other question. For me, it wouldn't be. I require touch.

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