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Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 4:58:09 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		i know we've spoken in other threads about what a submissive or slave looks for in an email; and we have a surprising degree of agreement on the topic. i for one do not adhere to the highest standards; if a Man contacts me in any way (apart from rudely) i will respond with questions prompting Him to reveal information about Himself -- just as my profile indicated was my primary area of interest -- His values. For some Men this is off-putting and the exchange between us dwindles to nothing; Others obviously do not understand my question, so i try to help Them.

In short, i end up with a posse of Men -- all of whom espouse values that are acceptable to me -- and many of Them i end up speaking to in Yahoo IM.

Some disappear after an IM or two; many of these Men i think are masquarading as something They are not...married in most cases i think. i resent the lying and time-wasting but there's no lie detector on CM.

Some linger and make intermittent contact -- i don't know whether this indicates a low level of interest or what, but after enough time, i forget everything They have told me and i end up deleting Them from my IM.

ATM, only one has indicated a desire to meet in real life. i find that very interesting. Considering the number of Men with whom i've been in contact, the fact that only one seeks a real life meeting suggests to me (and i could be wrong) that many of the others are cyber-only. Since i'm not interested in an on-line Dom, that's another set of lues and time-wasters.

i know we've spoken before about safety and rushing into things; i have taken that advice to heart. What i am curious about is whether anyone has any ideas about a better mousetrap -- a better way to ascertain early on whether the Man will ever be willing to meet in real life.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 11/27/2005 5:00:47 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 5:16:08 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Gosh candystripper I wish I had a pat answer for you but I don't. Unfortunately it does seem that this medium provides for a perfect atmosphere for people of low integrity and honesty and also for people who are just living out some sort of online fantasy.

I can tell you this. It is not exclusive to Dominants. In the last month alone I have seen two seperate couples who are very dear to me open their hearts and their homes to submissives only to be viciously burned by them. Some people are much better at dishonesty than others and it appears there is no distinction between male and female, Dominant and submissive.

I guess that when it all boils down we are really left with our instincts. We must just accept the fact that not everyone out there is as serious about this as we are or that they have the same degree of integrity as we do. They say that you have to kiss a lot of frogs.......well it seems that on the internet that statement tends to ring true to a higher degree. The best advice I can give you is that when you begin to have that feeling that all is not quite right....cut your losses at that point and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea......and some of them are even employed, in charge of their own lives and not still clinging to mommy.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 5:20:37 AM   
Driver1961


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Enters, smiles broadly to all,

Great point candy! A Dom can experience the same problems...

I racked my adled brain and came up with.......

A willingness to give a home number by the guy is the quickest pre-requisite. There's no need for you to do anything wih it straightaway. Play with the fact that you may leave a message on it for him to get when he's home from work. It's a pleasing event to come home to a phone message if you are unattached!

I dont subscribe to the 'chat for chat stuff' I like detail and thought more than the weather. If you're serious He will be too.

Bottom Line in my thinking; Everytime I further define my expectations, I limit the chaff and find the elusive 'grain'. That's time saving not wasting.

Your wishes will be in my dreams tonight, happy hunting candy!



_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 5:29:45 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

i know we've spoken before about safety and rushing into things; i have taken that advice to heart. What i am curious about is whether anyone has any ideas about a better mousetrap -- a better way to ascertain early on whether the Man will ever be willing to meet in real life.



For better or for worse, I tend to use one deciding factor - if they've gotten out and about in the local scene.

I'll be the first to admit it's not a perfect system and no doubt I've passed on some wonderful subs who just haven't done that. And no, I don't believe that having gone to a munch transforms that person into the most cluefull, intelligent, polite, legitimate kinkster.

What it *does* mean to me is that the person in question has turned off his computer, gotten off his duff, and gotten OUT there. It means that although *we* may have not met, then it's likely that we know some people in common.

It means that I don't have to deal with (yet again) the "dance of indecision" where the typically-novice submissive plays the game of deciding whether or not they might finally be able to get up the obviously huge amount of courage it takes to go out into the real world and <gasp> get a cup of coffee, which is obviously a dangerous and earth shatteringly scary experience.

It tells me that this person is interested enough in the lifestyle to take tangible steps towards exploring.

And you know - I almost NEVER hear from someone who has been out to local munches/groups/clubs about how they served a domme for 3 years but she moved cross country never to be heard from again when asked about experience/references.

As a Domme, it impresses me when a submissive gets himself out to educational functions, because learning IS important. I would think FOR a sub, s/he should be very concerned that a prospective dominant is taking steps to learn technique from somewhere other than a book or the internet.

It's also a compatability thing - although I am not especially active in the scene, I do enjoy going out to functions as my schedule allows, and anyone in service to me needs to be able to escort me and be comfortable with that.

In 10 years or so of experience of being in the lifestyle as well as on the 'net, I find that in a situation where someone's first contact with me on the 'net, that if they have not been out and about in the public scene, they are extremely unlikely to get off the computer to meet me - in that time period, I have probably only met a handful of people with no experience. However, *if* that person has, the chances that if we have some decent conversations online, it has a much higher percentage of meeting, even if just getting together for a few minutes at a club to say hello.

YMMV

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 5:39:56 AM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		candystripper,

No matter where you meet people, there is going to need to be that separating of wheat from chaff. Even for those met strictly in the real world, there is a high percentage of people that just aren't a good fit, or, for one reason or another, just don't work out. We ask to meet early, once we've figured out that the core of important issues is there, and still, it is all a numbers game.

We narrowed down the "search field" dramatically here. We were looking for someone who was local, and over 5 years, we looked at probably a few over a hundred possible individuals (most likely more, but I'm trying not to count the ones who didn't even bother to show up for the scheduled meeting time). It took us that long, and that much searching, to find our Sunshine, but it has been worth every bit of the searching and the wait. It truly looks like, this time, we've found the servant who will fit -and- will be as diligent, open, honest, and yielding as we require.

There is no "better moustrap". There is just the diligent plodding and tossing of the staves that yields the grain and allows the chaff to drift off in the wind. Though it is time-consuming and often frustrating, I can honestly say that it is worth every moment of due diligence in the separating phase. It seems to me that most people, either inside or outside of alternative lifestyles, don't spend nearly enough time determining if the person that they are involved with is going to be a person that they can grow with for years to come. They hurry, caught up in the joy of having -someone- (anyone), and then, down the road, they grieve over the poor fit, and hope for divorce or uncollaring to rescue them from the fruits of their haste.

Take your time, and cherish this time without another person in your life and the meetings with people who don't work out as an opportunity to further refine your ideals. Try to live in the "now", accepting that when the right person comes along, everything will fall into place. Acknowledge and praise your impatience -- then set it free to serve as notice to the Universe that you are really ready for this. Last, but not least, prepare yourself for finding that someone. If you're not ready to accept whatever meeting that person brings, do what you need to do to get yourself -into- that state of readiness. Then, when he (I am guessing from your previous posts that your chosen other would be a 'he' -- forgive me if I have misconsidered) arrives, you will be ready to focus on your part in shaping what the two of you will become.

Yes, it bites... we are an impatient race, with a constant need for satisfaction, but the patience and work now will serve you well. That is one of the few things in life of which I am sure.

Lady Zephyr

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 5:45:47 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

For better or for worse, I tend to use one deciding factor - if they've gotten out and about in the local scene.


quote:

What it *does* mean to me is that the person in question has turned off his computer, gotten off his duff, and gotten OUT there. It means that although *we* may have not met, then it's likely that we know some people in common.


quote:

It tells me that this person is interested enough in the lifestyle to take tangible steps towards exploring.


Excellent. I agree that the likelihood of scheduling a real time meeting definitely increases when you are dealing with someone who has already been "out there". "I'm not involved in my local community, nor do I want to be" is always a turn off for me.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 5:55:43 AM   
Patrick2005


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/27/2005
Status: offline 		All the internet gives us is another means of communication. What we communicate, and why, varies as much as the people here do. I have found that many people assume that if you have a profile here, you are "looking"- they equate profiles with personals ads. That isn't really the purpose of profiles; although they are often used that way.

I read your profile, Candystripper, and the only suggestion I have to make is that maybe you should clearly state that your goal is a real-life relationship, not cyber.

Of course, there are always lots of people who don't read profiles before making contact, so that is not the ultimate solution.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 6:00:38 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

i know we've spoken before about safety and rushing into things; i have taken that advice to heart. What i am curious about is whether anyone has any ideas about a better mousetrap -- a better way to ascertain early on whether the Man will ever be willing to meet in real life.

candystripper


Stripper... The way I see it is take it into your own hands. I see this in the exact
same light as the Nilla world. If I've spoken to one in long enough in the different mediums that they have passed my BS radar, I'll just ask if they'd like to do a cup
of coffee somewhere. It's simple and safer in my thoughts if I'm the one controling
that first meet. This has always worked well for me and I've made some friends.
Give it a shot............

Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 6:01:11 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		If it is your desire to meet a real time partner, it is always advisable to go where real time folks hang out in greater percentages (beyond the online dilution). Perhaps you'd benefit from joining some local munches, workshops, attending events, etc.

Just a suggestion.

John

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 6:48:24 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover
If it is your desire to meet a real time partner, it is always advisable to go where real time folks hang out in greater percentages (beyond the online dilution). Perhaps you'd benefit from joining some local munches, workshops, attending events, etc.


I used to always recommend the same thing, to those seeking to meet others. I still recommend it, but it's suggested with caution, as it's not the panacea to meeting a partner.

I've been active in my own local community for over eight years, and I'm only going to speak of what I've personally experienced.

The pickens are quite slim for those of us that are heterosexual and single. Most people, in this area, come to munches/workshops/parties as "couples." A huge part of the balance of folks may be bisexual or gay, seeking same sex mates, with many of them even being couples. The balance of singles are predominately married men (dom and sub), and submissive single woman. FemDoms are now becoming more prevalent in our public community though, and we have a group here (thanks to LadyHibiscus) that offers more of an opportunity to meet sub men, but again, many seem to be married. The last attempt at a BDSM singles group, in this area met with folks that either already knew one another, or was filled with many MANY folks too scared to venture out into real life. Many had the "intention" of being active and coming out to meet, but few actually did.

I find most of the folks in this community to be more than friendly, warm and welcoming. There are a few drones and predators, and hopefully the more seasoned folks keep an eye out, to prevent new folks from being scoped up by them.

Those that are out and about, know one another, and sadly too, many have "gone through" one another.

I see it being a bit more safe to meet someone that is "known" in the community, but with the pickens slim as they are, the best of the best is probably at home, sending e-mails to meet others privately.

I've taken to giving up hoping to meet a decent single man at munches or parties, and am sticking to vanilla, and meeting through scene friends. I have only met a few decent partners from online contacts, and they were only for casual playing. NONE were 'relationship' seeking, in spite of them implying they were interested in more.

Someday there will be a man that is sincere in seeking a "relationship" over just a quick fling. There is always hope.

Dare to believe!
K

(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 6:59:40 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		First of all, i cannot believe i wrote "shaft" instead of "chaff"; what a dim wit, LOL.

i greately appreciate Your advice, Lady Zepher; it reinforces some of my decisions/opinions. For example, i long ago decided if i did not find my One, i'd make a good life fpr myself alone...but settling is not an option.

Then i decided, given how deeply i wish to submit, that i would search only for my One; i would forego possible relationships which, for one reason or another, could never develop into what i truely desire.

Lastly, i decided to be as honest amd forthright with Men who contacted me as possible. There are some core values i must have, and there are some values/opinions/behaviors which i cannot abide. Sorting through these takes time and patience and the ability to observe a person's behavior, rather than relying soley on His words.

So i think i'm doing the best i can. i'm sure i coud tweak my practices regarding email, IM and phone (in fact i posted an Op about that, soloiciting advice, and really did not change my practices in light of what was said). However, it is reassuring to hear from someone like You, who searched for 5 years. There have been times i have felt surely by now i've spoken to every available Man and should give up.

candystripper

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 7:03:51 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		For some reason i cannot edit the above post. Please forgive the spelling errors.

candystripper

(in reply to candystripper)
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RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 7:05:11 AM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Candystripper,
The best suggestion I can offer is to follow your own heart. You know you have a good head on your shoulders and you seem to use good common sense so just continue. If a guy doesn't sound right or doesn't want to give you his home number then move on. You have your values and ideals and those are what's important. Continue to be honest and upfront with everyone and you will find the right guy for you.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 7:19:03 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

If it is your desire to meet a real time partner, it is always advisable to go where real time folks hang out in greater percentages (beyond the online dilution). Perhaps you'd benefit from joining some local munches, workshops, attending events, etc.

Just a suggestion.

John/Rover


Hi John; nice of You to post here. Thank You to everyone else, as well. There are a variety of resons why i do not attend munches, etc., but i do meet Men on occassion. Dated one for quite awhile. What i want/need/desire is a Dom or Master who has experience (not a newbie...that's a case of the blind leading the blind) and has been successufully involved in a marriage or LTR. At my age, if You've never been able to sustain a deep and commited relationship with a woman, You're probably not going to be able to do it with me.

candystripper

(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 7:19:19 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I used to always recommend the same thing, to those seeking to meet others. I still recommend it, but it's suggested with caution, as it's not the panacea to meeting a partner.


I am not aware of any panaceas to meeting a partner, regardless of lifestyle. However, one CAN improve their odds, regardless of lifestyle. No quick fix. No guarantee.

John

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 7:19:39 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		Deleted... already covered in notestream

< Message edited by JohnWarren -- 11/27/2005 7:22:42 AM >

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 7:26:46 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Quibble: It's wheat from the chaff.

JohnWarren


Yes, Sir; Lady Zepher pointed that out already...but my "edit" function is misfiring and i cannot make the correction. So now the CM world will know i mixed metaphors; a crime punishable by writing 100 times on the blackboard "i will not mix metaphors". First i'll need the blackboard though.

If You have any alternative punishment ideas, please pass them on.

candystripper

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 7:30:54 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I have a series of steps that someone who thinks they might want to serve me must go through -- in order, each one must be approached seriously and completely. These steps are formal and yet they don't require much money (stamps and phone calls, the price of a meal at a non-fancy place, and purchasing a journal later on).

What I've notice is that when I inform wannabe (not negative intention in term) of these steps and refuse to shake on them, the vast majority stop talking to me.

The one's that keep going have made great submissives, slaves, and friends.

The steps not only weed out those who are more interested in the sexual side than I am but also give both of us several opportunities to back out if something comes up in the "getting to know each other" phase. For me, it keeps me freer of unrealistic expectations -- I'll get an expectation when a training contract is signed.

And yes, Fox did do all those steps even though I met it via the local group. He tells me that he knew those were my rules and my philosophy and if he wanted to show he was worthy of training he'd best do them.

As to showing I'm worthy, I think having the steps but being friendly about them at the same time demonstrates my committment to myself and to a Ds relationship. Whether or not someone reads that as worthy, that's up to the reader.


_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 7:36:20 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		Obviously, we all "do" what we feel is "right" for ourselves. Just keep in mind that the most likely place to meet legitimate bowlers is at a bowling alley, golfers on a golf course, etc. When we endeavor to meet them in other venues, the chance of success is significantly diluted.

You have expressed an interest in a particular type of individual. I have noted where that type of individual resides in the greatest concentration. What you do from there is your own decision.

John

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 7:37:34 AM   
Delvin


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline 		before actually meeting... get the phone number... if you are allowed to only call during a certain time, that could be a flag...

Call, if the wife answers, walla...

From my end of it, it's a bit weird as I guess I fall in that low percentage of "Sure, lets meet if we have something going" though We too fall into that trap you are suggesting with girls that are married, looking for a fast rush or the that need to feel a little "dirty" while hubby is away.

Trial and error in the end, trust your instincts and hope for the best, with no real try and true method. I will use messenger a few times, with email, phone calls always, as people are more then welcomed to call me and in the end, meeting to continue the relationship.

IF someone is serious, they will in fact take the time to learn all they can, get to know you.... think of it as sitting in a coffee shop, if they look around, mummble things or just kinda walk around not talking to you, its the same thing. You would get up and walk out.

keep smiling girl, life is good and plenty of Us real ones out there very interested and you will find him

D

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 20
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