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RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 4:05:01 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

At times it's not a matter of Orientations or the type of relationship.  You have to remember a relationship is what Two people that are into each other make of it.




Thank you for your response, and especially this line.

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


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RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 4:09:56 PM   
SageFemmexx


Posts: 240
Joined: 1/2/2007
Status: offline 		I came out of a poly relationship and realized that in order to find my ideal relationship I needed to fix me. In essence I had to start evolving into the person I wanted to be in order to attract the person I needed in my life. So, I made a plan and stuck to it--I put myself in counseling, I enrolled in college, I signed up to be a patient at the dental school and I started going to the gym. I came out on the other side a different person with a different set of ideals for my next relationship.

Sooooo, I wanted respect, I wanted trust, I wanted security. For me this meant a wedding ring and a collar. It also meant a strong. self assured dominant who wasn't a sex addict and didn't suffer from insecurity and jealousy. I flew all over the US and met potential partners. It took three years but, I had the upperhand, my list and my self esteem.

I found him, we've been together for seven years and married for five. Never settle, it is always better to be by yourself and healthy than to be in a sick relationship.

Be well,
Sage.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 4:12:36 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress


The One...hmmm, can there be several of those?  I mean, in a world of 6 billion people, what if "the one" is in Turkey and is 75 years older? 


Again, you'd have to define what your perfect person is.  Is your perfect person someone who does not shower?  Someone who no matter what happened would always be a total slob...but hey you're compatible when it comes to BDSM.  Which if you are a couple who lives together 24/7 does not happen daily.

Reason I am bringing this to your attention is I was once searching myself.  I asked for release from my dominant.  It took me 5 long years to find the one I am with now.  Is he perfect?  Far from it.  Yet we have enough in common in I guess what you would call a vanilla life.  As well as a kink life and everything in between it works for us.  Did I settle?  I don't feel as though I did.  I merely found a man I fell in love with.  Yet, I don't believe he is the perfect one I was searching for.  I don't think we can achieve that.
We're celebrating our tenth year together here real soon.  Hopefully we have another ten..then another ten..so on and so forth. 
Yet, if I had to sit down and define exactly who I was looking for he was not it.  He did come close.  Close enough for me to be happy as long as it lasts.


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RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 4:13:27 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Thank you Sage, very sound advice indeed.  You did the work and you got what you wanted and deserved.  Awesome!

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 5:02:30 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		What is your ideal relationship?
The one I'm in. 
 
What is the dynamic in that relationship?
It's a marriage with full authority transfer.
 
Are you willing to accept something different (NOT SETTLE FOR LESS) if there is genuine love and affection?
Yes, I have a fair amount of flexibility.  There are probably zillions of different relationship patterns that I could happily exist in assuming the love and affection are there.  I would not thrive without love and affection and no I wouldn't settle for that.

Those of you in your ideal relationship...what makes it so?
I had to think about this a while.  I suspect the real answer is that the both of us place a very high value on "compatibility".  "Ideal", when looking at a relationship over decades,  isn't a static thing.  People change over time.  We remain highly pleasing to each other because, when the choices present themselves, we decide to grow together rather than apart.  Honestly, if you take two capable and flexible people bothwith a strong urge to be close and compatible with their partner... well... there's really only one way that can come out.  I could talk about all the ways I love her submission and she loves my dominance.  But that's only great for this year, next, 5 years?  It certainly isn't going to be what keeps it "ideal" over 20 years or 40.
 
~Jeff

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 5:09:13 PM   
impishlilhellcat


Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline 		For genuine love and affection and a chance to have a family yes, I would settle for less that what is considered ideal although honestly...


While my relationships have always been some sort of power exchange D/s type relationship even if they weren't specifically labeled that genuine love and affection are my ideal relationship.. Yes I'm a masochist... is it something I can live without yes... I am a natural nurturer. I tend to just naturally take care of those involved in my day to day life..... It's still so hard to explain and maybe I haven't figured it all out just yet.

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RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 6:22:20 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I don't have an 'ideal' relationship. I have lots of relationships, but there is no -one- kind of relationship that is what I fantasize as being 'perfect'.

I'm in a long-standing relationship with my Darling. I've knelt as her servant, guided her as her spiritual teacher, shared my 'headspace' as her medium, examined her teachings as her mentee, held her as her lover, bounced ideas off her as the other rollercoaster on our ride through Happy Tangent Land... but our relationship has mutated so much over the years that it is impossible to state what we are to one another -- and I expect that it will continue to mutate as time goes on. It is also not the be-all, and end-all of my relationships. I've had and will have lovers, companions, Keepers, friends, fuck-buddies, clients, offspring, mates, students, acolytes, servants, play-toys, spirit guides, and I've had them all together, one at a time, in small groups and large pods, and will enjoy those experiences again as via solo artists and living communes. I've experienced unrequited love, and been unable to offer more than friendship to some who loved me. Through it all, I have been shaped and have grown, I've loved, lost, loved some more... lusted, liked, learned, lived...

I refuse to create a box in my mind where any of these experiences would be diminished by some illusory "perfection" as yet unexperienced. I am happy just to have had the relationships I've enjoyed, and to experience each on its own merits.

Calla Firestorm

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(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 6:29:05 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

Thank you Nueva, you did answer my question, though the question I really wanted answered wasn't the one I typed.  It's awesome to hear that you are thinking about the relationship that you are in as it fulfills you or does not fulfill you.  And not if it fits into the idea you had in your head.
 


Thank you, MissTress.  For a long time what I was experiencing was ideal for me.  And then, as LaT said, we evolve and our needs and desires change.  While that was happening, I kept thinking, "but...but...but...I was always so happy with it this way...but...but...but...I thought this was what I wanted....Aren't I supposed to be fulfilled by this?  Isn't this the definition I was aspiring to?  I'll just try harder..."  It slowly became evident that we could no longer offer each other what was needed to fulfill each other. 

It's like when I was married to my husband.  I had this "ideal" of what a good wife should be.  I tried to fit myself to my own ideal, rather than just be.  Apparently I'm a slow learner!!    Now I no longer care about definitions or what I should be labeled as.  I just want to explore life and enjoy it.  An ideal relationship would be one in which I am free to do that, and so is my partner.

You mentioned something about "the one".  I believe we aren't necessarily limited to a "one" in our lifetime, but that people come in and out of our lives when we are open and ready for them.  We might have several "true loves" or "soulmates", etc. in our lifetime.  It's probably why I'll never marry again.  I am not convinced that committing ourselves to someone "forever" is always in our best interest.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  Lots on my mind these days, it seems!

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 6:31:33 PM   
christine1


Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline 		my ideal relationship is one where i can be myself and still be accepted for just that.  i want to be accepted for what is inside as well as what's outside.  i don't want to be embarassed to laugh out loud or tell stupid jokes or cry over movies.  i wont' ever again enter a relationship with, "in x amount of time this physical thing will be changed about you", etc.  never again.  if that means i never find anyone who really loves everything about me then so be it.  i'd rather be alone than constantly trying to live up to a fantasy in someone's head.

_____________________________

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He's the "boom" overwhelming...

He is my Master, my lover, my best friend my everything.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
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RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 7:15:57 PM   
Roselaure


Posts: 672
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Am I fed?  Am I fulfilled?  Am I happy?  Is he?  Are we open and honest and living in the present?  Can we be ourselves with each other?  Can we accept each other?  Are we both strong and independent and live full lives and open to possibilities?  Those are the things that are important to me.

I'm not sure if this answers  your question very directly, but it's certainly what's on my mind lately.


This is the whole point for me.  I've spent my life trying to fit myself into one mold or another.  This method seems to be working much better for me, as well.

_____________________________

Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul.
-Virginia Woolf

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 7:41:44 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
to being only sexually interested in women, THEN wanting to own their ass and do wicked wonderful things to them.



Sighssssssssssss... and there goes MY  Ideal relationship

Ward

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 7:48:36 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

What is your ideal relationship?

Hmm, I will be honest and say that I can not answer that. I am, quite literally, the kind that builds the relationship around the man. Not because I don't know what I myself want or need, but because it's my partner and I together who make the relationship 'ideal'.
quote:

  What is the dynamic in that relationship?

Violent and abusive  And yes, I know that you were asking more along the lines of D/s or M/s. I can't be in a relationship that does not have 'undertones' of violence etched into it. It's what I gravitate towards; the more violent the other person is, the more I respond to him.
quote:

  Are you willing to accept something different (NOT SETTLE FOR LESS) if there is genuine love and affection?


On the most basic level, no. Violence is what calms me and keeps me grounded. Without it and without the freedom to respond to it, I would become a loose cannon once again and I refuse to go back down that path.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 8:54:07 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Jeff, thank you for your response, and taking time to think about your answer.  I agree that ideal is not static, but your description of the changes that take place over time and the growth of a relationship certainly rank in my list of ideals.

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 8:57:41 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: impishlilhellcat

For genuine love and affection and a chance to have a family yes, I would settle for less that what is considered ideal although honestly...


While my relationships have always been some sort of power exchange D/s type relationship even if they weren't specifically labeled that genuine love and affection are my ideal relationship.. Yes I'm a masochist... is it something I can live without yes... I am a natural nurturer. I tend to just naturally take care of those involved in my day to day life..... It's still so hard to explain and maybe I haven't figured it all out just yet.


you would settle for less than ideal or different than your current description of ideal?
 
Wonderful answer, general enough to allow for aspects that you may not be expecting, but specific enough to be a guideline!

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to impishlilhellcat)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 9:09:04 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Thank you for your very thoughtful answer.  I'm happy for you that your relationship has the history and potential for growth and change.
 
I do want to clarify something and forgive me, I'm not picking on you, you are not the only person who misunderstood this part of my question.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

I don't have an 'ideal' relationship. I have lots of relationships, but there is no -one- kind of relationship that is what I fantasize as being 'perfect'.



1ide·al
Pronunciation:
\ī-ˈdē(-ə)l, ˈī-ˌ\
Function:
adjective
Etymology:
Middle English ydeall, from Late Latin idealis, from Latin idea
Date:
15th century
1: existing as an archetypal idea2 a: existing as a mental image or in fancy or imagination only; broadly : lacking practicality b: relating to or constituting mental images, ideas, or conceptions3 a: of, relating to, or embodying an ideal <ideal beauty> No one and no relationship are perfect.  However, we imagine things to be a certain way, we have a mental image of what we want.  This is what I am asking, what is the relationship you imagine to be what you want?

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 9:13:19 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

What is your ideal relationship?

Hmm, I will be honest and say that I can not answer that. I am, quite literally, the kind that builds the relationship around the man. Not because I don't know what I myself want or need, but because it's my partner and I together who make the relationship 'ideal'.
quote:

  What is the dynamic in that relationship?

Violent and abusive  And yes, I know that you were asking more along the lines of D/s or M/s. I can't be in a relationship that does not have 'undertones' of violence etched into it. It's what I gravitate towards; the more violent the other person is, the more I respond to him.
quote:

  Are you willing to accept something different (NOT SETTLE FOR LESS) if there is genuine love and affection?


On the most basic level, no. Violence is what calms me and keeps me grounded. Without it and without the freedom to respond to it, I would become a loose cannon once again and I refuse to go back down that path.


Irish, girl, you are all about the raw brutality.  I Love that about you!!!  I will never forget one of your descriptions of it, hot hot hot!  I was not necessarily asking in regards to M/s or D/s, some people here just have a little of that in their life to spice things up.  Thank you for your response. 

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 9:18:04 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

You mentioned something about "the one".  I believe we aren't necessarily limited to a "one" in our lifetime, but that people come in and out of our lives when we are open and ready for them.  We might have several "true loves" or "soulmates", etc. in our lifetime.  It's probably why I'll never marry again.  I am not convinced that committing ourselves to someone "forever" is always in our best interest.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  Lots on my mind these days, it seems!


I did mention "the one" I was responding to another post.  I don't think there is ONE for anyone.  I think we find many people through out our lives who fulfill certain needs in us.  Friends, lovers, what have you, all seem to fit with us in a certain way.  I think it's a matter of finding a person who fulfills enough of those needs/wants/desires, and you fulfill theirs and having an open mind, the desire to be together, and the willingness to work through whatever comes along.

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 9:19:58 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		christine,  thank you for your response.  Being loved for who you are, and all of who you are, is what we all deserve.

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to christine1)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Ideal - 9/4/2008 9:59:52 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

You mentioned something about "the one".  I believe we aren't necessarily limited to a "one" in our lifetime, but that people come in and out of our lives when we are open and ready for them.  We might have several "true loves" or "soulmates", etc. in our lifetime.  It's probably why I'll never marry again.  I am not convinced that committing ourselves to someone "forever" is always in our best interest.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  Lots on my mind these days, it seems!


I did mention "the one" I was responding to another post.  I don't think there is ONE for anyone.  I think we find many people through out our lives who fulfill certain needs in us.  Friends, lovers, what have you, all seem to fit with us in a certain way.  I think it's a matter of finding a person who fulfills enough of those needs/wants/desires, and you fulfill theirs and having an open mind, the desire to be together, and the willingness to work through whatever comes along.


I completely agree.  :)

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Ideal - 9/5/2008 1:01:14 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I don't have an ideal relationship. You see it all starts with a person, and with a friendship with that person, and develops from there.

A relationship might be the goal, but it wouldn't be an ideal relationship as I prefer successful relationships.

However I keep an open mind.

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(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 40
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