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RE: Finding subs - 9/5/2008 1:15:58 PM   
submale26uk


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		It's natural for a man to want to be macho and stand up for himself, all men feel this way even if some are unable to express this, if he is outing himself as a submissive he cannot be this way and woul probably feel ashamed of himself even if it is easier and feels nice to be submissive at times, no man can be 100% of the time unless he is blocking his feelings at some level.

(in reply to TermsConditions)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Finding subs - 9/5/2008 1:41:54 PM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submale26uk

It's natural for a man to want to be macho and stand up for himself, all men feel this way even if some are unable to express this, if he is outing himself as a submissive he cannot be this way and woul probably feel ashamed of himself even if it is easier and feels nice to be submissive at times, no man can be 100% of the time unless he is blocking his feelings at some level.


I will encourage you to question these assumptions...

(in reply to submale26uk)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Finding subs - 9/5/2008 3:11:53 PM   
Coupleofwhats


Posts: 280
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		Plenty of submissives out there: it's the good ones that are hard to find.

_____________________________

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm6JgZ35w8w

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Finding subs - 9/5/2008 3:26:19 PM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett
But does that hold true in the 'real world'?  It just seems that everyone I know is a Dominant.  Male or Female.  I've only been to a couple of Lifestyle events... but it seemed like everyone I ran into was Dom or at least a Top.   When I went to FroliCon, I was whining that I was looking for a nice pain slut in the consuite.  The resounding answer from the group was "Aren't we All?"  *shrug* 


Dang, when I was in the consuite everyone was just wondering where they could get ice cubes for the soda. Timing, timing, timing.

quote:


This weekend, I was at Dragon - A science fiction / media - convention and realized that every single one of my friends, even those who used to be my play partners, are now claiming to be Doms or at least are a great deal less shy and submissive.  I often wonder if it's just a case of 'birds of a feather' or that subs are by nature less aggressive when approaching people and tend to get over looked... or are they actually more rare than one is lead to beleive on internet sites?


Well, I think a lot of the submissives that go on the Internet and complain about "never" meeting any Dommes are the ones that don't have the social skills to be "hanging out with the group", don't have the confidence to go out to events, approach people, can't afford to go to events, etc. So, the people you end up meeting are the more Dominant personalities, and the top-quality subs, who are of course already taken.

< Message edited by OneMoreWaste -- 9/5/2008 3:28:40 PM >

(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Finding subs - 9/5/2008 3:47:41 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		I agree with the good ones are hard to find , in submissive -bottom ,slave  OR Domme Mistress  Dom Master .And to go a step further , define "Good ones " its all subjective to taste 's ,distance ,amount of training or lack there of , the real factor VS cyber  online types ,ones that just speak with out deeds or actions , those factors and more play into it .Then there is the creepy factor , the high maintance factor , and i am sure it can be broken down further  by ones own personal definitions .
It would be so much faster if there was a Good and Bad stamp lol

(in reply to OneMoreWaste)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Finding subs - 9/5/2008 4:09:36 PM   
rookey


Posts: 100
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submale26uk

It's natural for a man to want to be macho and stand up for himself, all men feel this way even if some are unable to express this, if he is outing himself as a submissive he cannot be this way and woul probably feel ashamed of himself even if it is easier and feels nice to be submissive at times, no man can be 100% of the time unless he is blocking his feelings at some level.


You're essentially correct self-image is a key factor in this discussion.  Nobody likes to feel ashamed, inadequate or embarrassed.  I feel whether or not a male would personally feel uncomfortable upon being outed as a submissive depends to a large extent on the opinion of his peers as to why men need to act macho.  It is after all the opinions of those nearest to use that matter most; family, friends, colleagues, etc.   We tend to like to such folks to have favourable opinion of us. 

I'll take my own opinion as an example:

Many moons ago I remember watching a BBC programme about this 'tough guy' who basically made his living acting tough, repro man, bouncer and all that.  A salient scene was where he threw out some squatters, he kicked down he front door and barked out that they had only one chance not to get hurt.  This guy bent over backwards to act tough, in doing so he looked stupid and like someone who had deep-seated insecurites.

Another TV programme I once watched concerned a D/s couple in London who were attending some ball or another.  The guy was dressed in a PVC maids dress, wore make-up and was lead by his superior half on a leash in full public view to an awaiting taxi.  To me it seems this guy is happy with who he is and doesn't have any deep-seated insecurities.

I know from personal experience at work just how dangerously irresponsible 'macho men' can be.  At best they are only poor teams players.  For the sakes of their over inflated egos they must rule the roost and to hell with what other folks think, even if their ideas are patently better.  At worst...

It is because of this I've no problem with men who a submissive disposition and don't care a jot about the opinions of the unenlightened. 

_____________________________



(in reply to submale26uk)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Finding subs - 9/5/2008 7:14:35 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		As I said recently on another thread, any time I go to a lifestyle event or even to the club, I don't exactly see a shortage of Dominants of either gender.  Where folks get the impression that the lifestyle is so lopsided is beyond Me.  I've never particularly noticed it Myself.  The only place that is seems apparent that things are so greatly out of balance is, you guessed it, the internet.

Finding play partners?  That one's easy.  There's no shortage there.  I could never possibly find the time to play with all of the bottoms who have offered their services to fit My sadistic needs.  It happens whenever I go out to play somewhere.  I usually take home more offers than what I came in with.  It happens to Me all of the time.  In fact, I have a running bet that I could walk into just about any club, with just Myself and My toy bag, and I would have no problem finding willing bottoms.

Finding subs?  That's a bit harder.  That's because I skip the bottom category for that, and I don't have much interest in bedroom subs.  I'm talking about submissives who actually want to submit.  That really want to serve.  Whether that's rubbing My feet or cleaning the cat box.  They don't have to be prancing around in a maid's uniform or Me wearing a strap-on to do it.  The ones that please just because My approval and smile are the beginning and the end of the earth to them.

Yes, those are quite hard to find.  I can't tell you how happy I am to have Mine.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Finding subs - 9/6/2008 10:53:53 PM   
subexploring


Posts: 103
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline 		Well, in vanilla dating I've stumbled across several women who I thought had real sub potential -- active, very strong, submissive fantasies that they loved loved loved to play out. I think those fantasies could easily have been built out into a broader outside-the-bedroom submission if I had wanted to go in that direction. But I've never had that experience with dominance. I've actually never met a woman anywhere but the scene who had strong dominant sexual fantasies. That suggests to me that submissive fantasies are significantly more common than dominant ones among women. Maybe it's socialization, maybe something else, dunno.

Of course, this is just one guy's experience. I can hardly claim a random sample (although I do tend to go for strong, together women). Not to mention the sample size issue.

< Message edited by subexploring -- 9/6/2008 10:59:51 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Finding subs - 9/6/2008 11:53:10 PM   
Coupleofwhats


Posts: 280
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

As I said recently on another thread, any time I go to a lifestyle event or even to the club, I don't exactly see a shortage of Dominants of either gender. Where folks get the impression that the lifestyle is so lopsided is beyond Me. I've never particularly noticed it Myself. The only place that is seems apparent that things are so greatly out of balance is, you guessed it, the internet.



Whenever I go anywhere-- be it a workshop, a weekend event, a party, etc -- it seems that there are always more submissives than dominants. Namely, more hetero male submissives than female dominants: hence the all-too-familiar feeding frenzy that takes place when a dominant woman enters the event.

The ONE time that I saw dominants outnumber submissives was at a private party for female dominants to meet with male submissives. A good chunk of them chickened out and didn't show after being told there wouldn't be any unprovoked begging and groveling allowed.

I suspect that the lopsidedness comes from a large number of men who like to fantasize about being submissive, but wouldn't actually be able to live it. They just turn up at events to try to get their rocks off on the idea of femdoms, and make things harder for everyone.

_____________________________

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm6JgZ35w8w

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Finding subs - 9/7/2008 2:13:53 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		When I lived in a bigger city ... plenty of play partners and bottoms. In a smaller country town ... fewer of them! But wherever I am, there are not very many male submissives who are actually willing to serve and are wanting to put themselves out to a degree to relocate to a permanent position in a family. Result: Increasing Dominant frustration for Me!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Coupleofwhats)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Finding subs - 9/7/2008 1:20:59 PM   
ScarlettStangata


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/5/2007
Status: offline 		Get used to being alone sister.

I actually left a vanilla marriage at age 27 - beautiful, young, succesful. I could have any vanilla guy I wanted. I left my vanilla marriage to live a D/s lifestyle because I felt that it was more true to who I was. I went and joined D/s lifestyle groups, discussed the finer points of living it, became friends with hardcore lifestylers who lived the life many years, took classes, etc.

Then I started D/s dating. I have found it almost impossible to find a submissive man who wants to be a slave AND a healthy partner to a Dominant woman. They have a fantasy in their head of what they want to be and they project that on the female Dominant. If the female Dominant doesn't live up to those expectations (usually to humiliate and objectify and fulfill HIS fetishes) they take off.

They yearn to be NOT be loved. Yeah they'll let you walk all over them, spit in their faces, whip them til they bleed but god forbid you ask them for a fucking hug - HARD LIMIT!!!!

I am now 29. Have been single for two years and I cannot find a partner who can see me as both their Dominant AND their partner. This is something that makes me INCREDIBLY sad. I have given up hope. I use service slaves to keep my apartment clean but do not allow myself emotional attachments anymore because I know they will just turn tail and run. Because most submissive men cannot handle their own emotions. They run from them . They use their submission as a way to not deal with them. So fine. I have seriously been debating just dating normal healthy minded vanilla guys and not telling them who cleans my apartment and hiding all my leather.

Who knows.

MS

(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Finding subs - 9/7/2008 2:03:42 PM   
subexploring


Posts: 103
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScarlettStangata

Then I started D/s dating. I have found it almost impossible to find a submissive man who wants to be a slave AND a healthy partner to a Dominant woman. They have a fantasy in their head of what they want to be and they project that on the female Dominant. If the female Dominant doesn't live up to those expectations (usually to humiliate and objectify and fulfill HIS fetishes) they take off.

They yearn to be NOT be loved. Yeah they'll let you walk all over them, spit in their faces, whip them til they bleed but god forbid you ask them for a fucking hug - HARD LIMIT!!!!



Well, a healthy partnership is exactly what I'm looking for and I'd never date someone I couldn't hug or kiss. There must be many others like me. Perhaps you're focusing your search in forums where there are a lot of do-me or service-only subs -- your ad here seems targeted at service subs.

Alternatively, maybe you have fairly high vanilla standards in addition to looking for a sub. Which is a good thing to have, but it makes the search much harder, since seriously kinky types are a minority of either sex and then adding on "vanilla" compatibility requirements makes things really tough. I should know, I'm the same way.

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Finding subs - 9/7/2008 9:43:41 PM   
subtex


Posts: 129
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Dallas
Status: offline 		I hadn't thought of if before but the small group I go to doesn't have a large ratio of sub men to dominant women as I would have expected.  I was thinking as far as finding single subs in groups you're probably not going to be seeing many players there.  That's because they can't disappear on someone and then show up in a group the next week.  

Several years ago I saw a break down of a study by the Kinsey Institute.  There really are a lot more submissive males than Dominant women.  Sub males were the largest group, Dom males next, then sub women, then Dom women.  I don't remember the number but the percentage of sub males in the population is pretty high.  I remember thinking there's probably a few more sub guys where I work.  I spent a few minutes looking for the info but didn't see it.  I did run across this link though. 

http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html


< Message edited by subtex -- 9/7/2008 9:56:39 PM >

(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Finding subs - 9/8/2008 1:40:05 AM   
E2Sweet


Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline 		Wow it is definitely sobering to sit here and read post after post about how difficult some dominant women are finding it to meet submissives who are willing to pull their weight, and not be emotionally detached. I mean seriously, am I going to have to just go out on the hunt with a big stick and drag a femdom back to my cave?

All kidding aside, those of you domly-types who feel this way definitely aren't alone, as its equally frustrating on the other side...

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to subtex)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Finding subs - 9/8/2008 2:00:59 AM   
underHisWing


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/21/2008
Status: offline

The single most common question in BDSM is, "How do I find a submissive?" 

~John Warren, Ph.D., in The Loving Dominant



(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Finding subs - 9/8/2008 3:29:27 AM   
houseboy001


Posts: 29
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline 		As an older submissive male it is an on going quest to find a Dominant Female who is seeking a true submissive. A person whose pleasure is derived from the the act of servitude. The joy of doing a job to the satisfaction of the Mistress.  Many of the ads here on 'CM' have definite overtones of Women seeking men but after a few emails find that these Dominant Females are more interested in marriage than in a true D/s lifestyle. Not all the Women here but as indicated many!!! (Do not want to anger any of the true Dommes that post regularly post here and are truly into FemDom). 

Another problem which is exclusive to my situation is that there is still some time before retirement allows me to pursue this dream of subservience on a full time basis.  I am not naive enough to think that there are total and absolute 24/7 opportunities out there for submissives.  It is also understood that there are times for the sake of social standing outward appearances have to be maintained.

Here is one sub whose not only has to wait a few months to be free of career responsibilities, has no interest in marriage, but nevertheless seeking a Woman who is committed to FemDom.  

Hope that this has made some sense in the thread??? 

(in reply to underHisWing)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Finding subs - 9/8/2008 3:51:22 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: termsservice

Maybe subs are a dime a dozen but good subs are hard to find? As to attending events, maybe they are waiting for someone to give them permission.

After much soul searching I have decided I am not submissive any more; I simply want a powerful woman to order me to dominate her laundry and top the clutter in the family room. Afterward I will mercilessly massage her feet until she uses her safeword: "Go freshen up my drink."


Hot Damn!  Where are you?


_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to termsservice)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Finding subs - 9/8/2008 4:38:24 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScarlettStangata

Get used to being alone sister.

I actually left a vanilla marriage at age 27 - beautiful, young, succesful. I could have any vanilla guy I wanted. I left my vanilla marriage to live a D/s lifestyle because I felt that it was more true to who I was. I went and joined D/s lifestyle groups, discussed the finer points of living it, became friends with hardcore lifestylers who lived the life many years, took classes, etc.

Then I started D/s dating. I have found it almost impossible to find a submissive man who wants to be a slave AND a healthy partner to a Dominant woman. They have a fantasy in their head of what they want to be and they project that on the female Dominant. If the female Dominant doesn't live up to those expectations (usually to humiliate and objectify and fulfill HIS fetishes) they take off.

They yearn to be NOT be loved. Yeah they'll let you walk all over them, spit in their faces, whip them til they bleed but god forbid you ask them for a fucking hug - HARD LIMIT!!!!

I am now 29. Have been single for two years and I cannot find a partner who can see me as both their Dominant AND their partner. This is something that makes me INCREDIBLY sad. I have given up hope. I use service slaves to keep my apartment clean but do not allow myself emotional attachments anymore because I know they will just turn tail and run. Because most submissive men cannot handle their own emotions. They run from them . They use their submission as a way to not deal with them. So fine. I have seriously been debating just dating normal healthy minded vanilla guys and not telling them who cleans my apartment and hiding all my leather.

Who knows.

MS



According to your profile, you are looking for service subs only. 

"What I am looking for is to make new friends, gather service slaves and possibly (and this is a REAL long shot) potentially find a LTR that would also be my submissive/slave."

So if I were looking for a LTR partner, why would I bother contacting you? You just said it was a REAL long shot. Why would I waste my time, when so many others say in their profiles they want a RLT?

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Finding subs - 9/8/2008 4:58:36 AM   
Sylverdawn


Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		After ten years as a married dominant in this lifestyle I can tell you .. finding a LTR submissive poly service oriented slave .. IMPOSSIBLE.. Ive long since given up the search. I hold not a single expectation of interest or commitment from a submissive male type person.. they contact me we chat meet a couple three times for dinner maybe coffee.. and they disappear.. oh well says she.. I think it would be easier for me if I were bi.. so.. I smile politely nod in all the right places and am never surprized when the door hits them on the ass on the way out.. lol.. call  me a cynical jaded bitch.. perhaps that will get them all hot and bothered for me..who the fuck knows what it takes anymore I couldnt thats for sure .. the mindset of any given male submissive is beyond my comprehension.


SD

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to thishereboi)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Finding subs - 9/8/2008 7:38:37 AM   
spiritwarrior4U


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScarlettStangata

I have found it almost impossible to find a submissive man who wants to be a slave AND a healthy partner to a Dominant woman. They have a fantasy in their head of what they want to be and they project that on the female Dominant. If the female Dominant doesn't live up to those expectations (usually to humiliate and objectify and fulfill HIS fetishes) they take off.

MS



As a submissive who not only hopes to find someone who will enslave me and yet simultaneously allow me to be a healthy partner to, i have found just the opposite to be true.  i have met FemDommes who only wanted to use me as a "play partner" but had no interest in forming an emotional attachment.  Call me a prude if You wish, but although i enjoy "play" just as much as anyone, that is not at all at the core of a D/s relationship.  i could not play with anyone without having some sort of emotional and/or mental connection with Her.

Like many of the FemDommes here, i see so many male submissives (and female submissives) online who are here for fantasy purposes only. And if that's something that is mutually satisfying to both sides of the D/s equation, then good for them. But i believe...yes i truly believe...most of us...Dom/mes and subs alike are looking for intimacy...true intimacy on a deep level.  Love?  Yes? But within a D/s context.  It is possible. i've seen it work. i know a couple who've been together for over 30 years, and She and her subhusband are just so much in love.

Ms. Scarlett, please don't give up.  i've learned that patience is what's necesary. 

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 40
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