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How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intents are? - 9/5/2008 10:03:36 PM

usemekinky

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/9/2008
From: Aloha OR
Status: offline

I'm really new at meeting people thru online sites so I need your advice please.

I'm a submissive an I had been talking to a Dom pretty regularly, we were getting along fine. He is funny, smart and intelligent. We were talking almost daily. I would look forward to speaking to him. He asked for a photo, he waited longer than most guys do to ask for a pic. I sent him one. I had been honest with him when I described myself, so I was only a little nervous. (we girls are always a little nervous). I heard back from him an all was well.

Shortly after sending him a pic he suddenly isn't answering my emails as often, an when he does they are very brief. He still talks like he is interested in me, but I am confused. I don't expect him to spend all his free time on me, I realize he has a life, I just thought he wanted me to be part of it.

I really like him, but I don't want to get further attached if he isn't into me. What do I say, I want to ask him, but I"m not sure what to say. How do I ask him what is up without seeming to forward?

Post #: 1

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/5/2008 10:09:08 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

I would suggest you say to him what you just said here:

quote:

ORIGINAL: usemekinky
...I am confused. I don't expect him to spend all his free time on me, I realize he has a life, I just thought he wanted me to be part of it.

I really like him, but I don't want to get further attached if he isn't into me."

You spelled it out pretty clearly here. Express this to him as only he can answer your questions............luci

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Post #: 2

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/5/2008 10:09:11 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Well, the simplest way to avoid that issue is to put a clear picture of yourself on your profile. That way if appearance is that important to them they will know immediately if you are someone they want to pursue anything further with. Saves a lot of wasted time.

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Post #: 3

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/5/2008 10:23:33 PM

zakkan

Posts: 606
Joined: 4/15/2008
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This will probably draw some flak, but I recommend setting up a completely different account and approach him from another angle, and check how he responds. From his replies it will be easy to know if he's serious or just playing. And your true profile will be hidden behind this mask!

I frequently do this to err... "test the water".

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Post #: 4

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/5/2008 10:24:32 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

A relationship that starts off with deceit isn't worth much. So yeah, consider flak given.

Cali

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(in reply to zakkan)

Post #: 5

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/5/2008 10:33:18 PM

zakkan

Posts: 606
Joined: 4/15/2008
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I'm not saying its the right thing to do. Its just... convenient.

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Post #: 6

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/5/2008 11:00:56 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

I would suggest you say to him what you just said here:

quote:

ORIGINAL: usemekinky
...I am confused. I don't expect him to spend all his free time on me, I realize he has a life, I just thought he wanted me to be part of it.

I really like him, but I don't want to get further attached if he isn't into me."

You spelled it out pretty clearly here. Express this to him as only he can answer your questions............luci

I agree with this totally. I like to meet people who are able to clearly express what's on their minds and this, to me, is being very clear and direct, without being too confrontational.

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(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 7

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/5/2008 11:01:28 PM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
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How about just asking him if he's still interested? Where's the disrespect in that?

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Post #: 8

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/5/2008 11:05:20 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

Seems to me that this online thing has, what I call, a "half life" of about five emails. That is, the first five emails are steamy, but, if no meeting results, then the next five emails are half as erotically charged, while the next five are half of that (which is a quarter of the original), and, well, you can see how the grapes wither on the vine pretty quickly depending on what the half life is for your particular situation.

As for the expedient of coming at 'im from another angle, i.e., via another account, that should work as intelligence is always a necessary tool of war and negotiation alike, which is basically what love is, in a nutshell. :)

(in reply to E2Sweet)

Post #: 9

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/5/2008 11:12:59 PM

patina

Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
Status: offline

Just be honest with him and say you don't want to waste his or your time if he is not interested. That you are a big girl and can take the let down. There are a lot of guys that like the chase and when they think they are getting close tend to drop away. Women can do the same it is not a one gender rule on here as to who are players and fakes.

I agree with posting a picture it eliminates those only interested in set types.
any one who want intimate pic before a collar run don't walk to the block button. Or insists that you perform on web cam for them. Or wants to perform to you. They only want to get their jollies.

good luck, take care of yourself.

patina

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a diamond in the rough

(in reply to zakkan)

Post #: 10

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/5/2008 11:29:54 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I would handle this differently. You're not sure what's going on. You could ask him directly, as the posters above have advised. If he's genuinely 'busy' he might give you an honest answer. But then again if he was going to be busy and you are in some way important to him, wouldn't he have told you in advance of his non-availability?

When starting out in a new relationship don't go by the words, but by what someone does. You see you can ask him honestly what is going on, but he's under no obligation to give you an honest answer. He might be evasive, because he's probably stringing you along with three or four other women and it's a sort of game or competition - winner takes all.

This happens with some people when you mix the Internet with relationships. It's often not about winning their heart, but about filling a vacancy in their life. You're just another candidate.

I'd withdraw all contact - just stop contacting him. Move on. If he gets back in touch then you might be onto something. If not nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better to have dashed hopes than a broken heart from a half-hearted relationship.

ETA for typos.

< Message edited by stella41b -- 9/5/2008 11:45:06 PM >

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(in reply to zakkan)

Post #: 11

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/6/2008 12:02:30 AM

shivermetimbers

Posts: 2060
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline

Nuking my chicken instead of cooking it properly is convenient. Doing something like that builds an automatic lie and deceit into the relationship. So what happens if on the "other" account she finds out he is interested, and had a legit reason for the slowing down of contact? Does she tell him? If it were me, that would be the end of it. If she doesn't, then she has a relationship that started out on a lie. Sounds like a lose-lose proposition to me.

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(in reply to zakkan)

Post #: 12

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/6/2008 2:17:07 AM

DreamsOfSpider

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zakkan

This will probably draw some flak, but I recommend setting up a completely different account and approach him from another angle, and check how he responds. From his replies it will be easy to know if he's serious or just playing.

Setting aside the whole lying thing... are you implying that if this guy is interested in the OP, he should turn down any advances made by the OP's alternate account? Despite the fact that they haven't even met?

I just don't see how he can be "serious" at this point. "Interested," yes, maybe... though e-mails dropping off after getting a photo isn't a good sign. But I wouldn't blame a guy for exploring multiple options at the "interested" level.

(in reply to zakkan)

Post #: 13

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/6/2008 2:54:41 AM

zakkan

Posts: 606
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline

Well, the OP definitely has a problem. She want to find out what that other guy is thinking, and she doesn't want to shout "ARE YOU STILL INTERESTED?" to his face. Therefore she can either a) pelt him with random messages, which she doesn't seem to want to do, b) just continue waiting, in which case she probably won't be anxious enough to post this. OR, she can go about it in a roundabout way, and find out whats going on without looking as if she's too eager.

Just imagine. All she has to do is set up another account, ask a few opening questions like "hi", "can you tell me how to blah blah blah", stuff like that. If he answers this account more often than the real one, we can assume he's not really very interested in the OPs original profile. If he still gives those brief answers, then it can be assumed that some outside factor is affecting his ability to interact online. Of course, there might be a lot of other reasons as well.

I won't say its nuking a chicken instead of cooking it. Its sort of like putting your chicken in the microwave instead of roasting it. It could end up in disaster, but you get results faster.

You can always tell him what you did later, if you end up having a relationship. If he is really interested you, he will probably understand why you were so anxious to find out, without looking to possessive. After all, you did it because you are interested in him, not because you are playing a prank.

All that said, this is still sort of a last resort thing. Don't do it unless you are absolutely sure. As many posts pointed out, it isn't right to lie, after all.

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Post #: 14

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/6/2008 3:07:54 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

Just ask. He'll prolly tell you the truth. You've given him an opening if he isn't interested...if it were me, I'd take it. Course I also agree with pompeii that there's a life half life..maybe a bit more than five but not a whole lot more. If all you ever do is email, then he may not think you are serious. If your picture turned him off, then you'll find that out too. LOL! That happened to me (sort of) once. I emailed a pic and, to his credit, I will say that the let down was easy. He said that I didn't have "the look" he wanted. That was fine until a couple of month later when he emailed me again, asking for pic. For laughs, I sent it to him and all of a sudden, I HAD the look...go figure (it was the same picture)!

(in reply to zakkan)

Post #: 15

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/6/2008 3:24:28 AM

DreamsOfSpider

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline

zakkan: You could assume that... or you could conclude that he's interested in the OP, and interested in this new chick. And since he knows the OP is already interested in him, he spends more time trying to impress the alt. *shrug* I'm not saying it's the likeliest explanation, but if you routinely use this sort of trick, I think you risk subterfuging yourself out of a potential relationship.

usemekinky: I don't think there's anything wrong with just asking. If luci's suggestion seems too blunt to you, you could try something like.

"I've really enjoyed your e-mails. I'm wondering -- and I hope this isn't too forward -- if you would be interested in meeting at some point."

Basically, you don't put him on the spot by asking if he's interested in you, or try to determine his long-term intentions when he may not be sure himself. You just take a little bit of initiative and ask if he wants to meet you. If he makes excuses, well... that's a no. If he's interested, meet somewhere public, and see if you like him in person as much as you like his e-mails.

(in reply to zakkan)

Post #: 16

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/6/2008 5:34:27 AM

DomDolf

Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline

zakkan,

You over-estimate the tolerance of this community for people that are willing to lie or exaggerate (exaggerate was based on another post you wrote). A willingness to deceive at any point is not an acceptable characteristic for most anyone. If you want to be sneaky and play those games and feel you have to I would say that you have some things to learn and understand about people and more importantly about yourself.

Dolf

(in reply to zakkan)

Post #: 17

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/6/2008 5:35:57 AM

Bsquared

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/21/2008
Status: offline

It is fascinating that anyone would suggest anything other than a straight forward approach. I guess if one’s goal is superficial game playing, that is alright, but if you are looking for something closer and deeper I would think it would have to be based on something much more open between both of you. I agree that it is likely that the photo may have changed his mind, but we are only guessing. Given how you described him, there is a chance that he may be waiting for something else. These are sometimes strange sites with many people acting out stereotypes of Doms behaving like troglodytes and thinking that being aggressive and overbearing is the way to attract a partner. I think in some cases a Dom is waiting for someone who shows a real awareness of who he is and what he needs and wants, along with a desire and willingness to move to be under his purview. Unfortunately, that is probably less likely, but if you can’t find a real connection and communication (if that is what you want) through being open, then I think the rest is obvious.

(in reply to DomDolf)

Post #: 18

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/6/2008 5:42:05 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

Yup...there are those who will wait, as you said, out of some misguided (in my opinion) notion that "that's what doms do". I think Dreams' suggestion is a good one. Don't put him on the spot, but suggest a meeting. If he says no, well, you have your answer.

(in reply to Bsquared)

Post #: 19

RE: How can a sub respectfully as a Dom what his intent... - 9/6/2008 5:45:42 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

I would handle this differently. You're not sure what's going on. You could ask him directly, as the posters above have advised. If he's genuinely 'busy' he might give you an honest answer. But then again if he was going to be busy and you are in some way important to him, wouldn't he have told you in advance of his non-availability?

When starting out in a new relationship don't go by the words, but by what someone does. You see you can ask him honestly what is going on, but he's under no obligation to give you an honest answer. He might be evasive, because he's probably stringing you along with three or four other women and it's a sort of game or competition - winner takes all.

This happens with some people when you mix the Internet with relationships. It's often not about winning their heart, but about filling a vacancy in their life. You're just another candidate.

I'd withdraw all contact - just stop contacting him. Move on. If he gets back in touch then you might be onto something. If not nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better to have dashed hopes than a broken heart from a half-hearted relationship.

ETA for typos.

Personally, I like Stella's idea. Stop contact and see if he contacts you to find out why. If he does, then explain to him that you were getting the feeling from his emails that he was no longer interested. Nothing disrespectful, nothing hurtful...just honesty.

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(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 20

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