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Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 5:12:17 AM

CaptainsPet

Posts: 57
Joined: 11/20/2005
Status: offline

Before I was collared, I let Captain know that I wanted to stay where I'm at because my home, my friends & family, and my job are all part of my happiness. He was fine with this. Now at the three month mark, everything coming from him has changed. He wants 24/7. He wants me to give up everything and everyone, and move in with him. Granted He spoils me rotten, and assures me that I don't need to work, but that's not the point. He promised that we could make this work, this way. He comes down on the weekend. I'm there for Him 100%. During the week, we're in constant contact. If He pages me or calls me, I'm on it immediately. I check my e-mails hourly. He knows He can get me anytime, anyplace, anywhere. And we're only three hours drive apart. I even told Him I'd drive to him to make it easier for Him. I told Him I'd only work part-time, so I could spend more time with Him. Is a happy compromise possible? We've known each other nine months total, and I've been collared for three. Everything was fine. Why the sudden change? Why won't he give me any slack on this? I'm dreading this weekend, because I know He's gonna guilt me badly about this. Do I have any chance at all here, or is He going to cut me free if I don't give in to his way? Am I wrong for wanting to keep things as we initially agreed? I DO love him; and I know He loves me. Would you Sirs please tell me what you would do in this situation. I REALLY need a Masters point of view here. Tell me, please, what you think Captain will do? I just wish I could sweet talk Him to stick to our original plan, at least for now. I don't know what to do here. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, Sirs.

_____________________________

Whip me, beat me
make me cry.
Tie me up.
Make me fly.

Post #: 1

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 5:36:12 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

We've known each other nine months total, and I've been collared for three. Everything was fine. Why the sudden change? Why won't he give me any slack on this.

CaptainsPet

i am not a Master, but i am 52 years old and speaking from the depths of my life experience i say -- with all my heart -- you should not agree to reduce your hours at work, move away, or otherwise impair your ability to provide for yourself a happy, secure life. This Man is behaving in a highly manipulative manner. Why can't He move to you if He's so anxious to have you living with Him? Has He proposed marriage? This sudden change, as you describe it, seems to have no foundation; nothing has happened to account for it.

However, you are an adult and will ultimately do whatever you feel is right for you. If you decide to move and become economically dependent on Him, at least get some legal work done so you can enforce any promise He has made to support you.

candystripper

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 2

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 6:14:16 AM

daredevil865

Posts: 130
Joined: 11/9/2005
Status: offline

It does seem strange that things have changed so much in three months...before you were collared He seemed fine with you staying where you were and even now it seems like you are willing to make things as easy as possible for Him.

I do not think anyone should ever try and guilt a person into making such a large decision.

as for knowing each other for only 9 months and both being in love..that may be true ...but just like so many vanilla relationships when it is as new as this, there is still so much more to learn about each other and if indeed you both are in love then you will be in six months or a year from now...Perhaps if you both waited until that point the issues that now seem so large that are keeping you apart will seem alot less important. Until then communicate, communicate and communicate and do not rush or be guilted into a decision that you are not ready for.

DareDevil

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 3

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 6:31:48 AM

CaptainsPet

Posts: 57
Joined: 11/20/2005
Status: offline

Thank you Candystripper and DareDevil,
What you both say makes sense to me. I hope I get lots of responses to my question. Maybe I can present other opinions besides my own, and sway him by a preponderance of the evidence. Usually He'll take my opinion into consideration, so I don't understand this mind set He has now. And I don't think it's fair for Him to guilt me, either. Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it!

_____________________________

Whip me, beat me
make me cry.
Tie me up.
Make me fly.

(in reply to daredevil865)

Post #: 4

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 6:35:12 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

He is changing the expectations and dynamics of the relationship which were consented by both of you.

Obviously you need to do a lot of talking and working things out. If his situation is what works for you, then you do it. If this new situation doesn't, then you ask to end it.

Simply stated, hard to carry through.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 5

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 7:05:19 AM

MasterRobert1

Posts: 225
Joined: 7/18/2005
Status: offline

He's changing the rules after thye have been established and agreed upon. You and He need to talk. Isn't right to unilaterally change the rules, whether it's you doing it or Him. An agreement is an agreement.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 6

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 8:33:31 AM

CaptainsPet

Posts: 57
Joined: 11/20/2005
Status: offline

LuckyAlbatross, I'm glad you responded because your advice is always to the point. And I worry that you are right. One of us is going to break this off; and neither of us is going to be happy about it. His argument is going to be that if I was really a true, dutiful little sub, I should be only too happy to accomodate him. But He shouldn't be allowed to change the rules. You and MasterRobert1 both mention that. I just want to find the right way to put that to Him...make Him see that He's not being fair or true to our agreement. What he's asking is a total sacrifice on my part. And it's not right. I never asked Him to give up anything for me. I just want to keep things the way they've been. If everything is going well, why mess it up? That's what I don't understand.

_____________________________

Whip me, beat me
make me cry.
Tie me up.
Make me fly.

(in reply to MasterRobert1)

Post #: 7

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 8:56:52 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptainsPet
His argument is going to be that if I was really a true, dutiful little sub, I should be only too happy to accomodate him.

If that's true then why aren't there simply cattlefields of subs ready to be plucked out by any passing dom? Because any sub should be able to fit into any situation right?

That's why we make consent such a big deal- so we can choose for ourselves what works best for us. Would he have said you were a bad sub if he presented you with this scenario and you rejected it BEFORE you got involved?

quote:

But He shouldn't be allowed to change the rules. You and MasterRobert1 both mention that.

Oh he can change the rules all he wants. He just can't expect you to be happy and remain in the relationship if he changes them dramatically.

quote:

I just want to keep things the way they've been. If everything is going well, why mess it up? That's what I don't understand.

Change IS a part of life. You can't expect otherwise. Even dramatic change.

But I would be asking him these questions- why is he changing all of his expectations NOW? Why is he suddenly coming up with all of this?

If his answer continues to be making you feel bad about your submission, then I think you know your answer- either accept his rules or reject the relationship. You might not be happy with being single again, but you KNOW you won't be happy rejecting a life that you accepted as good for yourself.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 8

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 8:57:18 AM

Sartoris32801

Posts: 172
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline

If he broke off the relationship, which he won’t, he would be saving you the task. He won’t because what you describe is coming from someone needy, clinging and insecure.
Until then, what you can expect is exactly what you fear now, spending weekends full of pressure and being made to feel guilty, frequent phone calls that end with your feeling miserable, etc....
My guess is he needs someone less independent and secure with who they are.
But, you would know that better than any of us… wouldn’t you?

Sartoris

_____________________________

Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear
And it shows them pearly white
Just a jackknife has old MacHeath, babe
And he keeps it … ah … out of sight.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 9

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 9:04:46 AM

B1gbear

Posts: 81
Joined: 5/7/2004
Status: offline

Although it clearly isn't right that he just insist on the rules changing you do also have to consider the natural dynamics of human nature in relationships. If the rules never need to be looked at, if changes never need to happen, then there clearly is no growth occuring in any relationship. It is always assumed a sub or slave will grow and her likes, dislikes, boundries, needs from the relationship will change as time goes by so long as she is nurtured and trained by her Master (presumes male Master/female sub for this example). What is not understood always is that Master is growing and redefining his wants and needs as well. Is it so unnatural for someone in a relationship that is going well to decide they want to see more of a person they are involved with? Is it unnatural for a Master to want his sub to want to be with him above all else in her life? Is that any different than a man wanting his wife to take his name when they get married and decicate her life to 'their' life together? Two vanilla people can start dating and make it a regular thing for the same three months and it would not be considered unusual for either to announce they want more ....that they want to live together and perhaps get married one day. Why? Cause feelings grow and drive people to want to progress to the next level. Sweet talking is not the answer, sitting down and having a serious talk about where the relationship is going IS the answer. Clearly he wants to progress to a 24/7 arrangement and you do not. Avoiding the real issue will only create more problems than it solves.

We create these great iron clad contracts in this lifestyle to define how our relationship will be conducted. These are great tools to a successful D/s or M/s relationship, but don't forget that they are TOOLS, who's purpose is to support the end goal, not define the relationship itself. The fact that he wants more now means you did something right. The relationship, in his eyes at least, is working and growing. If it is not for you then the tool is working by defining that it is time to sit down and talk. To come to an understanding of what each of you wants at this point in the dynamic and to perhaps modify the contract (and I use this term to loosely cover what ever type of agreement you started with), and redefine what works for you both now. Or in the worst case to come to an understanding that you can't come to an agreement and need to decide what is best for each of you. If this is something you want to work then I'm sure you will decide what you can and can't do to make it work. In the same light, if he is a good Master and is keeping his focus on your best interest, he will decide to do what is best for you.

No one can say what the right answer is for the two of you, but the two of you so I offer no adivce there, just understand that this type of relationship like any other type is a constant growing evolving dynamic and flexibility in changes that need to occur as the relationship grows is essential. It may not be at the rate you desire, but understand, he is simply happy with your relationship and wants more of you. Be flattered that you please him so and decide what you can or can't do then sit down and talk about it.

At whatever rate any two individuals move forward in their relationships, the bottom line is always: No change = No growth = A relationship that is going nowhere = An eventual failed relationship that one or both will find a reason to leave. Communication = understanding + Compromise = Growth = A dynamic that can last as long as both wish it to.

(in reply to MasterRobert1)

Post #: 10

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 9:22:33 AM

Tempestspet

Posts: 360
Joined: 1/13/2005
Status: offline

It may likely be tht at first before he knew you better, maybe before he fell in love with you... long distance would have been ok. But most people want a companion that there with them.

You can't be 100% there for him, and not be there. Answering an e-mail, or a phone call... isn't reaching over and touching, or hugging him or her after a long day. It isn't a happy face that you've come home, and are happy to see them. It's not a kiss on the cheek, just because you can, or want to.

I just read your profile on here. I'll quote, so there's no misunderstanding for or by others:

"I'm currently in a D/s, long distance, relationship. It's not 100% secure, though. I'm seeking friends, advice, and (maybe) options."

Does this sound 100% there to you? If I where in his shoes.... that would make me very nervous, sad, and betrayed. If he did that, likely you would be here angry that he dare do such a thing. ( That's normal, by the way.)

He probably just want the relationship to progress, into more. Is it impossible for him to relocate to you? Since you are so rooted where you are?

This may have sounded blunt, but it's the way it looks...

Tempest's pet
jennifer

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 11

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 9:25:40 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: B1gbear
At whatever rate any two individuals move forward in their relationships, the bottom line is always: No change = No growth = A relationship that is going nowhere = An eventual failed relationship that one or both will find a reason to leave. Communication = understanding + Compromise = Growth = A dynamic that can last as long as both wish it to.

I agree that change is inevitable and necessary.

However, there's a difference between "Oh I got accepted into Harvard instead of Stanford" and "I know we both said we didn't want any children, but now I need you to get pregnant" types of change.

Plus the fact that he's making HER the bad-wrong person here is a bad sign right off that he's not really interested in the relationship growing, but more just wanting her to give in. How can a good relationship come from decisions that are made out of fear from looking bad?

Sure it's great that he wants her to be closer. But this is clearly an issue that was discussed and agreed on BOTH sides prior to the relationship starting. Great kudos to them, it doesn't happen nearly often enough.

Now he's wanting to completely change everything he agreed to in the beginning, and making her feel bad about not just going along with it. Perfectly normal to me that she's not doing cartwheels.

(in reply to B1gbear)

Post #: 12

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 9:40:22 AM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

No I do not think it is possable.
People change, relationships change. It "Appears" that either he or you were not really sure what you (or he) wanted.
You need to either obay Him as you are a collared slave or ask for a release.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 13

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 11:29:28 AM

1CHRONDOM

Posts: 23
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptainsPet

LuckyAlbatross, I'm glad you responded because your advice is always to the point. And I worry that you are right. One of us is going to break this off; and neither of us is going to be happy about it. His argument is going to be that if I was really a true, dutiful little sub, I should be only too happy to accomodate him. But He shouldn't be allowed to change the rules. You and MasterRobert1 both mention that. I just want to find the right way to put that to Him...make Him see that He's not being fair or true to our agreement. What he's asking is a total sacrifice on my part. And it's not right. I never asked Him to give up anything for me. I just want to keep things the way they've been. If everything is going well, why mess it up? That's what I don't understand.

Apparently everything ISN'T going well. At least from his point of view. I don't know too much but I do know this. Things change. All of these folks here saying that he's not right for changing the rules and you should talk with him and all is cool but what about Him the Dom? When is it right for a Dom to Change things about the relationship with His Collared sub? Isn't the sub supposed to do what the Dom asked? I realize this is a major decision, Yes moving in with someone is a big step in any relationship. I don't think him wanting his sub to be in his home to be something bad. Who says you can't keep in contact with your friends and family from your new location? Who said they can't visit? Things will always change in any relationship. I say don't be afraid of change. Its gonna happen anyway. I would however make sure He knows what He is asking for. A sub in her own is much different than a sub in Your Home.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 14

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/28/2005 1:20:57 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

A sub in her own is much different than a sub in Your Home.

Really liked that and its to the point. As relationships grow, its natural to want to be with the person you love more and more, i dont think its necessarily that he is being clingy and insecure. The thing is though, if this growth is one sided, your Master is really going to have to take a good hard look at the relationship, cause by forcing his hand, he could end up with someone in his home that doesnt really want to be there and who is going to blame him for every hardship that happens as an effect of that move.
From your persepective i agree with other posts here, if the relationship dynamic is changing from what you want, you need to re-assess it, perhaps he is not the right one for you.

(in reply to 1CHRONDOM)

Post #: 15

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/29/2005 1:59:51 AM

CaptainsPet

Posts: 57
Joined: 11/20/2005
Status: offline

Thank you all so much for taking the time and energy to craft such thoughtful replies. You have truly given me much to think about, and chew on for the next several days. I appreciate all points of view. It seems very clear to me, based on the majority of replies, that a serious sit-down is necessary. And I really need Him to tell me WHY He wants this change at this time. I'm sensing that He doesn't understand how rooted I am here, or how much happiness I have invested in my home, work, family, and friends. I honestly think He wants our relationship to go that next step because things are going so well between us. But the timing and pace are wrong for me, at this time. If I just let myself be guilted, I know we will both end up miserably unhappy, as LuckyAlbatross and Sartoris point out. Maybe I am too independent for His tastes. I don't feel I've given Him any cause to "check-in" on me constantly. And while I'm flattered, I'm also worried that this has as much to do with "control" issues, as it does with "being together". Tempestpet points out that I'm not 100% there for Him, and this is true. I can't be. But I'm sure we spend at least as much face-to-face time as some married couples do. And we make our time together count. Just to be perfectly frank, I got Captain's "ok" on everything I've said or done here...including my profile. He nixed any picture posting, and I agreed with that. Kinkypupper and 1CHRONDOM make the point that a collared slave should obey and bend to the Master always, but the dynamic of our relationship has been more give-and-take. Of course, I give in more, but it's usually not a big deal to either of us. In fact, we joke about "negotiations" in and out of bed. He let's me get away with a lot, but I don't try to push it too far or too often. Up until now, it's been good. I guess I'm just really worried we aren't going to be able to negotiate this. It scares me to think that I might have to ask him for release. But I hope, as Bear put in: Communication=understanding + compromise=Growth. I guess we will either grow; or I will have to go. Isn't this gonna be a fun weekend...not!!!!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

Whip me, beat me
make me cry.
Tie me up.
Make me fly.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 16

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/29/2005 6:28:08 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptainsPet
He let's me get away with a lot, but I don't try to push it too far or too often. Up until now, it's been good. I guess I'm just really worried we aren't going to be able to negotiate this. It scares me to think that I might have to ask him for release. But I hope, as Bear put in: Communication=understanding + compromise=Growth. I guess we will either grow; or I will have to go. Isn't this gonna be a fun weekend...not!!!!!!!!!!!!

The issue really isn't about him wanting to change things. The issue is more about the large chunk of change he's wanting to put into things as well as the way he is going about it.

It seems natural for you to buck against a tight clamping down of control and management when you are both so used to a lighter and laissez-fair touch. This, in time, could be dealt with.

However, he's not just clamping down- he's wanting you to completely change everything you have established in your life...for a live in situation that has no prior experience and leaves you without a lot of your current support.

This is certainly do-able, and certainly possible. However, as it was something specifically agreed on previously, to completely turn it around at this stage is certainly suspect and makes it a lot harder than it had to be.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 17

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/30/2005 1:16:25 AM

CaptainsPet

Posts: 57
Joined: 11/20/2005
Status: offline

You hit the nail on the head, LuckyAlbatross. I really panic at the thought of leaving everything I have here, for something I don't even know was properly discussed. He upped the stakes, and He expects me to gamble my happiness and financial security on His idea that 24/7 will be great. How does He know that? I sure don't know that. Maybe we'd both hate it; or love it. But either way, He risks nothing. I risk all. Not fair! Not fair! And I just can't do it. How come people on this board can understand this, but He seems so unwilling to look at it from my point of view? He's asking for an awful big "leap of Faith", and it really hurts me that He's treating it like it's no big deal. It's a HUGE deal, for me. I swear He's acting like a completely different person... one I don't even know. And if He's acting like this now, what's it gonna be like if I move in with Him and make myself dependent on Him. All kinds of warning bells are going off in my head. If I could just talk to Him about it on the phone...it would be so much easier. It's gonna be so hard for me to look Him in the eyes, and tell Him these things. I just wish I could make Him understand my concerns. And not treat them like they are nothing.

_____________________________

Whip me, beat me
make me cry.
Tie me up.
Make me fly.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/30/2005 7:18:55 AM

wipmebeetme100

Posts: 198
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

What is not understood always is that Master is growing and redefining his wants and needs as well. Is it so unnatural for someone in a relationship that is going well to decide they want to see more of a person they are involved with? Is it unnatural for a Master to want his sub to want to be with him above all else in her life? Is that any different than a man wanting his wife to take his name when they get married and decicate her life to 'their' life together? Two vanilla people can start dating and make it a regular thing for the same three months and it would not be considered unusual for either to announce they want more ....that they want to live together and perhaps get married one day. Why? Cause feelings grow and drive people to want to progress to the next level.

First.....welcome BigBear, glad to see you! Hope you and yours are enjoying the solitude of mountain living.
I really like this point you brought up. Sometimes i think we get so focused on "that is not what we negotiated in the beginning." We should understand that the longer we are in a relationship, that things will change. And we want them to....that is growth. I can see where people involved in a M/s relationship could very easily be more concerned with what had previously been negotiated than they are with how they are now feeling. This is not a good thing. Are we maybe limiting ourselves?

cathy

_____________________________

Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth
~Unknown

(in reply to B1gbear)

Post #: 19

RE: Is a happy compromise possible? - 11/30/2005 7:45:33 AM

wipmebeetme100

Posts: 198
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

. I'm sensing that He doesn't understand how rooted I am here, or how much happiness I have invested in my home, work, family, and friends. I honestly think He wants our relationship to go that next step because things are going so well between us. But the timing and pace are wrong for me, at this time. . Maybe I am too independent for His tastes. I don't feel I've given Him any cause to "check-in" on me constantly. And while I'm flattered, I'm also worried that this has as much to do with "control" issues, as it does with "being together". Tempestpet points out that I'm not 100% there for Him, and this is true. I can't be. Kinkypupper and 1CHRONDOM make the point that a collared slave should obey and bend to the Master always, but the dynamic of our relationship has been more give-and-take. He let's me get away with a lot, but I don't try to push it too far or too often. Up until now, it's been good. I guess I'm just really worried we aren't going to be able to negotiate this. It scares me to think that I might have to ask him for release.

I hope this does not sound too harsh...that is not my intention. I would just like to share my opinion...and you know what they say about opinions.
I checked out your profile....and honestly i was floored at what i saw. You call yourself CaptainsPet and yet you write....
"""I'm currently in a D/s, long distance, relationship. It's not 100% secure, though. I'm seeking friends, advice, and (maybe) options. """
Had i been your Master you would not even have to contemplate asking for release....it would have been done the minute i saw this posted on your profile.
3 hours away is not quite what i consider a long distance relationship.
You mention that you are rooted where you are at...in home, work, family and friends. Bottom line...there are times in our lives that we have to make choices. We must choose what is more important to us. It sounds as if you have done that, now be responsible and communicate that to him.
You say that up until now it has been good. Has there been anything that has "tested" your surrender...or obedience? You question that you might possibly be "too independent" for him. I am not so sure that being independent is what is at issue. I am a very independent person....yet i understand that as a slave i have completely surrendered control to another....and promise immediate obedience. I am not saying that my way is the only way....it is just the right way for me.
Bottom line....he wants more from the relationship....you don't. This does not mean that he is wrong for wanting that....or that you are wrong for not. Just be honest with each other and communicate your feelings.

Peace,
cathy

_____________________________

Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth
~Unknown

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

Post #: 20

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