RE: Dom switching to vanilla...???

RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (Full Version)

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urlittleprincess -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/12/2008 6:36:32 AM)
good morning persephone, Worldly1 and anyone who reads or replies... i am feeling a bit better thanks...not as stressed out because i asked for and received some 'time' from work...i dont have to move for a few more weeks because of my mom's illness. i will also use this time to make some decisions about my relationship with Him...He of course isn't exactly overjoyed that it will be a few more weeks but isn't mad or anything. He understands that i need this time with my mom... yes...the rules were changed and so, in light of the new rules and my new found freedoms, i will take some time to just think about me, myself and i...and what it is i need from Him, our life together and whether or not i will be happy...if not i have my answer. i just feel 'flat' right now...too much drama lately and i hate it. i have 4 days off from work now...and plan to just relax a bit...Him no longer wanting the D/s combined with moving, and then to top it off with my mom being told she has breast cancer...too much for me...i think ive been depressed because normally i go running a min of 4kms every morning but for the last week have barely been able to wake up and drag myself to work, never mind out the door to run. im going for a long run today and hope that helps pick up my mood. i wish everyone a beautiful day... :)

Worldly1 -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/12/2008 6:48:35 AM)
I just finished reading your profile...the things that you 'Live For', 'Love', 'Like', etc. Ask yourself if you can be happy, long term, without those things in your life? Also ask yourself how you think you will come to feel about the man who took those things out of your life.

candystripper -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/12/2008 7:04:41 AM)
quote: i realize that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work...and if He only wants to control some aspects of our relationship as opposed to full D/s i am powerless to 'make Him' be the Dom...but after being this way for a year and half is it possible to just 'be' vanilla? ive noticed Him flip flopping in phone conversations lately...and all it does is make me feel sad and then i act out because this is not what i signed up for...will we slip back into our natural way of interacting once i am there? will His Dom nature simply respond to my submissiveness? (Exceprt.) urlittleprincess You can't get out of moving? What provisions have been made for the possibility that this does not work out? I'm worried about you. Take care dear. candystripper [sm=pole.gif]

Skyfire -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/12/2008 8:54:39 AM)
Often in long term relationships having to be always in role is draining. All of the couples I know who have made it the distance have one thing in common, a 90% vanilla life. They work, raise children, and simply live life as a normal couple. The sex is still a bit more kinky and there is always a dynamic of power, but they do not spend 24/7 in role. Its easy to get in a rut like this, but as long as time is made for play and rules are in place to guide them all is the better. If he wants to give up the D/s completely then I am sorry the relationship is doomed. You will not be getting what you need and sooner or later that will turn into enmity. I hope you two can work this out, keep an open mind, but as soon as you know its not going to work do not stay in a relationship that does not fulfill your needs. I am sorry I cannot be more positive for you, but I have been in relationships with submissives that simply decided they did not want to be submissive any longer. My fault for liking to play with newer girls, but I can deal with that. I stayed in my last relationship a year longer than I should have, I thought I could be vanilla because I loved her. It did not end well, and in hindsight I should have ended the relationship a lot sooner than I did, it would have saved us both some heartache. Give it a shot, if you find you are getting everything you need emotionally and phsyically, thats great! If not, do not be afraid to move on. You are a beautiful girl, and someone will cherish you for exactly who and what you are.

urlittleprincess -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/12/2008 11:22:52 AM)
thank you Worldly1 and candystripper...don't worry...ill be ok :) i went for a 5km run and while i dont feel much better yet i think i am thinking more clearly. ...just need time to think and now i have a few more weeks. if my moms disease progresses i may be able to cancel my transfer on compassionate grounds. thank you Skyfire...i hear what you are saying...id say that in the beginning our relatoinship was alot more D/s than it has been in the last few months...the dynamic has always been there, but we spend alot of time doing vanilla activities. He seems to be flip flopping alot and lately told me that while He won't try to control what i do with my spare time, friends etc His word in the house will be the rule. someone pointed out to me that perhaps since this is also His first D/s relationship He has realized He is more about 50's household or something to that effect rather than Dom...who knows...all i know is i need stability...i need to be able to rely on Him and rely on what the heck our dynamic is. thank you again for your thoughts...i just wish someone would tell me "yes He will change His mind as soon as you get there, and oh, yeah, by the way Santa is real!!" lol im going to enjoy some alone time now and wish you each a wonderful afternoon...

urlittleprincess -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/14/2008 11:53:40 AM)
just a short (not so short!) update for those who have been supportive by listening/sharing... NOW He says that in any relationship there is always someone in charge, and that someone will always be Him. He says that if i need to be submissive or want to do nice 'submissive' things for Him i 'can'...that i dont have to change...but in the same conversation He also told me that He doesn't wish to hear about my feelings about the changes to the dynamic any longer. if i bring them up He will simply hang up on me and doesn't want me to call back until i am calm. He also doesn't want to hear about my worries about moving under these circumstances...He only wants to hear about my progress in moving, and normal every day things. in response to my internal feelings about everything, i told Him this morning that after crying and begging for almost 3 weeks to rethink eliminating the D/s dynamic between U/us...i am done. if He no longer wishes the dynamic in O/our relationship i will no longer chase it...or Him. from this point forward, if He wishes to speak with me He can call me. i am n ot sure if i will move to Him or not...i have to work out my feelings still...but my feelings of sadness, frustration and anger are almost overwhelming...and i need some space. i also told Him that He can take away the titles (Sir, etc) and eliminate some of the protocols, but the relationship was founded on D/s and that won't just change because He says so. you can't just eliminate the core of a relationship and expect it to survive. yesterday when speaking with Him i told Him of my plans to go out for chinese food. He wanted to know with who, so i said friends. if He no longer wants to be my Dom then He cannot presume that i will continue to disclose everything to Him. He became upset and 'assumed' that i was going out with another man...<sigh> if W/we are no longer in a D/s let alone a TPE relationship how will He handle me making my own plans with my own friends without His permission? He has already been telling me im bad because i said i would go to visit my best friend without Him...mixed messages. today, i said that He wants me the way i always have been...good and submissive...and He said yes...but how can i be submissive without His dominance? and then i told Him that He wants the D/s relationship but without the labels...and at that point He said "Enough!" well...i told Him i will not contact Him and that was my own choice...and i wont...but i will have the cleanest house in town!!!!! lol it shouldn't be too bad though...He has been the one doing most of the calling lately anyway... best wishes to all for a happy sunday :)

Asherdelampyr -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/14/2008 1:18:24 PM)
***DISCLAIMER This is the opinion of ONE sadist not all, The things contained herin do not reflect anything except MY thoughts*** I cant go Vanilla, I tried and it damn near drove me nuts, there isnt a switch somewhere that makes it so that I can enjoy myself without pain. I am dominant in all aspects of my life, there isnt a button that will turn that off (though my life would be easier if there was, just less fun!) People do not change, they just become more and more who they already were. Perhaps this is who he is? Perhaps as others have said he is just worried about how to incorporate you into the rest of his existence? Maybe hes riddled by guilt? All these and more could be the reason, obviously nobody here knows.... Sit down and talk to him, explain your needs clearly and see if they match up. I know for me that the dynamic has to be there for me to be fully satisfied, but I am not him.

Divyacheri -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/14/2008 2:25:27 PM)
I would really consider what his real motive is before you move. Remember many people come into D/s with their own ideals and feelings. He may simply want to be a controlling asshole- which has nothing to do with D/s- therefore I would make sure you express your feelings about your prior agreement. Always and I mean always go with your gut first. Forget what emotions says- he has changed the deal and therefore that is a cautionary flag that you need to look at before moving in. Plus his timing was great right before you are going to move.

urlittleprincess -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/14/2008 3:00:12 PM)
W/we broke up at the end of march...and when we began speaking again He told me that He felt i sometimes lacked the ability to just go with the flow and be spontaneous...and i let Him know that the very nature of who we are together made it that way for me. as the submissive/slave i waited for Him...Sir...the Dom...to initiate certain activities. i always waited for His signal, invitation or approval before getting affectionate with Him etc...i would always surprise Him with special meals or whatever i thought He would like, but sort of just let Him take the lead in most activities. i thought it was what He wanted...but that day remember clearly telling Him that the D/s dynamic itself kind of held me back from seeing Him as a regular guy...someone to laugh and play with...someone to just cut loose with...someone to fall in love with. i have always known that He wanted more than just a slave...He wants a lover...partner...best friend in addition to a slave...the other things are paramount to Him. after telling me He no longer wanted the D/s dynamic He said that He could love a submissive vanilla girl as long as she knew He was in control...and again today expressed that He is in control of me at home, and decisions etc...but will not try to control my plans with friends, etc. perhaps i am responsible for Him changing His mind about our dynamic...i did, afterall, tell Him that the dynamic itself prevented me from being a certain way with Him...im so confused...He has been calling me all sorts of sweet vanilla forms of endearment...and while i like it generally, it is weird to hear it from Him...and it dawned on me that perhaps THAT is some of what He wants too...He does love to be pampered and treated special...but to me it is more special to have Him call me 'slut' than 'sweetie'...anyone can call me sweetie, but who else would call me slut?? i dont know how i could call Him sweetie...ugh maybe the issues are all mine?

SirLordspet -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/14/2008 4:00:20 PM)
i heard a saying once, "submission usually grows out of love and trust in a D/s relationship. However sometimes love sometimes grows from the submission itself." In my case, i feel that my submission has grown exponentially out of love and trust.. However, the more i submit is also the stronger my love and emotional dependence. If i was told tomorrow that W/we were converting to a simple vanilla relationship, i would be completely lost. It would be like meeting and getting to know a stranger.

SirLordspet -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/14/2008 4:02:20 PM)
i can understand exactly how you feel! i do not believe the issues are yours. you are who you are and somewhere out there is a Dom who will be filled with pride to call you His submissive/slave. quote: ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess W/we broke up at the end of march...and when we began speaking again He told me that He felt i sometimes lacked the ability to just go with the flow and be spontaneous...and i let Him know that the very nature of who we are together made it that way for me. as the submissive/slave i waited for Him...Sir...the Dom...to initiate certain activities. i always waited for His signal, invitation or approval before getting affectionate with Him etc...i would always surprise Him with special meals or whatever i thought He would like, but sort of just let Him take the lead in most activities. i thought it was what He wanted...but that day remember clearly telling Him that the D/s dynamic itself kind of held me back from seeing Him as a regular guy...someone to laugh and play with...someone to just cut loose with...someone to fall in love with. i have always known that He wanted more than just a slave...He wants a lover...partner...best friend in addition to a slave...the other things are paramount to Him. after telling me He no longer wanted the D/s dynamic He said that He could love a submissive vanilla girl as long as she knew He was in control...and again today expressed that He is in control of me at home, and decisions etc...but will not try to control my plans with friends, etc. perhaps i am responsible for Him changing His mind about our dynamic...i did, afterall, tell Him that the dynamic itself prevented me from being a certain way with Him...im so confused...He has been calling me all sorts of sweet vanilla forms of endearment...and while i like it generally, it is weird to hear it from Him...and it dawned on me that perhaps THAT is some of what He wants too...He does love to be pampered and treated special...but to me it is more special to have Him call me 'slut' than 'sweetie'...anyone can call me sweetie, but who else would call me slut?? i dont know how i could call Him sweetie...ugh maybe the issues are all mine?

urlittleprincess -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/15/2008 7:19:43 AM)
thankyou Asherdelampyr, Divyacheri and SirLordspet... He Himself seems to be confused...He seems to want the vanilla interactions but more and more now He is reverting to old behaviors...like last night He told me that when i get there i will wax Him. He didn't 'ask' as a vanilla guy should. when i reminded Him that that was something He had trained me as His slave to do but since He no longer wishes the D/s dynamic i wont do it...He said 'you'll see when you get here...'with a little laugh...i honestly do not think He will be able to resist the D/s dynamic...it is all we have known together, although with alot of vanilla thrown in. He seems at times to be enjoying my emotional agony and the drama (and while i hate it i am an emotional masochist)... but yesterday after telling Him i will chase Him no longer suddenly He is 'behaving' more like Himself again....this is too confusing and is starting to feel like one big mindfuck. maybe as others said, He has no intention of giving up the dynamic when we are living together, but for now and until i actually move to be with Him He wants it to be completely my choice...no D/s involved...so i can't/won't blame Him if things don't work out in the future? He says i think too much...and i am tired of thinking!!! time for 'thinkers anonymous'!! im going for my run (to think! lol) and wish everyone a day filled with happyness!

persephonee -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/15/2008 7:41:03 AM)
So i was offline for a few days and have read your updates. i honestly feel that moving in during this transitional period is not a good idea. Playing games emotionally is not a good idea either....do try to refrain from saying things you know will get his goat...like telling him youre going out but not telling him with whom. It will just serve to frustrate him and then by extension you. i really dont like the whole..."Im finished discussing this issue and so therefore you are too" thing he has going these days. Correct me if im wrong, but hes the one who changed your entire dynamic like less than a week before you up and MOVED AWAY from your life....i call shenanigans.

DesFIP -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/15/2008 8:41:54 AM)
I'm not sure why you feel you can't be spontaneous in a d/s relationship. Why you can't laugh or make silly jokes. I do all of that. I have been known to initiate sex and/or play. I've been known to ask him if he wants to go out for ice cream, play miniature golf etc. I poke and tickle him. It's his decision to say yes or no, to tell me to stop or tickle me back while reminding me he plays harder than I do. You seem to have confused submissive with passive, which understanding your background is understandable. Growing up in a home where you have to be hypersensitive to someone else's mood in order to protect yourself will do this to you. Both of you need to understand this. You need to be with someone supportive who will let you talk things out when you need to understand. And he needs to know that you won't be able to change ingrained ways of acting, or rather reacting, overnight. If you need out, then go find yourself a place of your own if still at home. And get some help on changing so you do feel free to ask for your needs, desires etc.

littlekitten1 -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/16/2008 8:48:38 AM)
-QR- I just wanna say that moving in, while yourr relationship is THIS insecure is a very very very bad idea. I know someone who moved in with a man she thought she trusted, but turned out to be a complete psycho, who forced her to have sex with him, or else she'd be thrown out on the streets. I know it's not exactly the same case, but consider that you will be giving up your home, friends, family, and if everything turns out to go bad, you could suffer from alot of problems(both financially and mentally). Personally, the way you describe this guy... It makes me angry. Very very angry that ANYone could act that way to someone. If you have emotional problems caused by something HE did, he should be man enough to solve it with you. I think it's highly disrespectful and inconsiderate of him, and he sounds rather selfish. He DOES sound like someone who just likes to control things rather than be a Dom. Also, I think this is NOT the time for him to play mind games or not.. Specially not when you're this hurt.... I don't get why people are so inconsiderate. If you're obviously hurting about this, why would he further proceed to confuse you and stuff? :( I really do think that if you MUST go and live with him.. keep your home/house/apartment/whatever in case that everything goes wrong and he turns out to be too vanilla for you. As much as I dearly and greatly love my Bf/dom... I KNOW I couldn't be with him if he suddenly turned vanilla on me. This lifestyle is vital for me, and without it, I'd probably hit a depression so deep that it would take ALOT to get me out again. I really hope that you'll solve this in some way or another, and good luck to you! I'll be crossing my fingers.

urlittleprincess -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/24/2008 10:37:55 AM)
hello persephonee, DesFIP, and littlekitten1.... ive been unable to visit this thread for a while...i guess i had emotion overload about the whole thing. lately He has been acting 'Dommy' again but it makes me angry because i feel like He is playing games. we have been talking talking talking about things...not just me moving there but my worries about my mom (cancer), my kids and the move in general. He is so excited about me moving there, but tells me i am so mean for not being excited or happy about the move...when He asks if i am missing Him i truthfully admit i am missing the old Him and He tells me i have no idea how hurtful i am to HIm. this all makes me feel guilty and sad... we still dont have a surgery date for my mom...so i am not sure about moving yet...He is getting more anxious for me to get there and start my new life...but i am content to stay put for now, which also upsets Him...no win situation. He says He supports me with regard to my mom, but i dont think He understands that although the delay in moving is directly due to my moms situation it is also giving me a chance to think about whether i can truly live vanilla with Him and be happy... i did tell Him that i was done chasing Him and the dynamic last week or so, and since then He has been acting more dommy, calling all the time etc...some might say it is topping from the bottom, but i genuinely feel done. if He changes His own behavior in response to a change in mine, so be it. i can't chase the dynamic with Him if He truly does not have it in Him...<sigh> my boss at work came to me last week and told me that he has seen people with less worries than i have resort to stupidity...and he thinks i am handling things well...but inside i just feel like crying. i feel like i am going through an identity crisis...my mom is sick and not handling it well and we have always had an intense fucked up relationship where i have been more the adult than child all my life with her...if she dies who will i be? ive been mom my whole adult life and my kids moved to be with their dad in anticipation of my move to be with Him...im still mom but dont have the 24/7 responsibility and i feel guilty despite the fact that the kids (teens) seem ok with everything...and He turned my whole world upside down by saying no D/s...it was the one thing i counted on being consistent...all this change is too much right now...work is the only 'normal' place and if anyone knows where i work they know it is anything but normal!! lol the staff i work with (mainly men) are being so supportive, but some are using this as an opportunity to get closer...ah well...at least they are there!! thanks for letting me ramble...it helps to just talk...let things out...get feedback...ultimately i am the one who has to make any hard choices...and follow through...not easy. but thanks for listening...

persephonee -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/24/2008 11:01:44 AM)
i would send you mail on the other side but i have issues with that and i want you to get this information...so im sorry for posting it publicly. i strongly suggest that you NOT move in with this particular man at this particular time. Your vulnerability at this time is so intense that you will be hurt. And it wont be something that you can just "get over" in a short period of time. Your fundamental needs of safety will not be met and you will suffer. You need to be protected right now and he is not in a position to do that. As shitty as it is going to feel...youre going to have to protect yourself and do it on your own. No one is ever old enough or grown enough to lose a parent and not feel like an orphan. And now you feel you have lost your Daddy too. This is not the time to look for protection outside of yourself. And if you literally feel that you lack the skills to protect yourself internally then you need to find a way to learn and NOW. The fact that your other identity...of actual mother has been shifted too in that your kids have moved...is even more concerning to me. i wish that there were some way that you could be protected by someone else, but i dont see that as a possibility from what information that i have. So you are going to need to do it on your own. In the end youll be prouder of yourself than ever before and youll feel better about anything that may come your way in the future. i dont know why i feel as strongly as i do right now...obviously we dont know eachother and life is pain so i dont know why yours is concerning me as it is...that said...im concerned. More than likely its because i have been hurt to the core in the past and had no one but myself to look to...it was cold and lonely but i managed and im better for it now...wouldnt wish it on anyone...but i survived. i know its easier to allow the ones in the office who are moving in to do just that and move in...but in the end, they are only smelling the blood in the water and youre gonna be lunch. Please Please Please protect yourself. And keep me updated...here or on the other side. gwen.

tweedydaddy -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/24/2008 4:08:35 PM)
It's never, ever, too late to back out of anything. Anyone who ever sold a house will tell you that! It's perfectly natural for you to have doubts about a relationship where one side abruptly decides to change the course and nature of things. If your relationship is built on shared fetish activity and he decides it's not what he wants, then you ought to question if the relationship you have is a house built on sand and if it's what you both need. Above all, for God's sake ASK HIM!

antipode -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/25/2008 7:08:30 PM)
Well, there's men that want to play and own, and there's men that are in it for the contest. You're about to move in, he won you, no more need for the tool he used to "get" you. Is going to be one major disappointment, back out, look for someone else. You've been had, essentially, I am sorry to say, or if I need to be nice to him, he doesn't really understand what you need, doesn't understand the desire he let you build, and he never will.

SailingBum -> RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? (9/25/2008 10:27:23 PM)
I dont see what the problem is. He is like homie dont play that any more. She like but I do. Find someone else that wants to play in the same toybox. Come to me and we will work it out is assine. BadOne

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