CreativeDominant
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Joined: 3/11/2006
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9 years ago, when I left the home I shared with my wife and ums, I went to the counselor I had been seeing and asked him plainly "Now what?". Like Lockit's counselor, he advised me to learn to be alone. I misinterpreted that and began living on my own but I kept my life filled with family, work, friends and my first submissive. I didn't give myself the chance to be alone. What I ended up doing is now interesting to look back on for while having a submissive gave me and her a chance to learn and grow in D/s and BDSM and having friends and family supported me emotionally and having patients supported me financially and kept the daytime hours filled, I wasn't finding the time to deal with issues from the rational and objective view that comes from taking the "alone" time. During this time, my emotional outbursts...while less frequent...took more of a toll on me.
Three years later, my first submissive and I had parted and I had gone into a D/s relationship with my second one. I was getting better though...I actually waited 4 months between my first and second submissive. During this second three-year phase, I was still seeing my counselor and he continued to help with many issues though he still advised that I was going to have to make alone time to do some work on my own. I spent less time with family and friends and, since my submissive lived in Canada, saw her less often than I had my first one. Now, when I felt my emotions overwhelming me, I reached out for help BEFORE they took me over. It helped a hell of a lot to be able to have him to guide me, make me use my own insight while nurturing it along. Then my second submissive moved in with me toward the end of three years together. We spent 6 months living together and I found that I had changed in many respects...I took on the responsibility of nurturing and caring for her emotionally as she dealt with the rejection from her ums for not going back to their father, I lifted her up as she took on a job and encouraged her. I led and she followed but still...often, there was a heavy vanilla flavor to our dynamic and the fact that she was perfectly happy receiving a check from the Canadian govt. as the wife of a soldier even though she had not been living with him for three years puzzled and hurt me. I spoke to friends within the life about it and to my counselor (if you haven't guessed by now, yes...he IS kink-aware). They could see that my way of living, of doing things, had changed from the vanilla days and from the first D/s dynamic but that I still had too much of a tendency to let things slide that bothered me because I let the love relationship overrule the D/s dynamic. Finally, I came to a point where I could not let it go on and I did one of the hardest things I had done in my life: I sat her down and told her that I could no longer go on living with a woman who was married to another...that I would not live my life in front of my family, my friends, my patients with the spouse of another who had no interest in leaving that spouse for me. She argued that she had left him for me but could not see giving up the money. I noted...truthfully...that part of the reason her ums had rejected her was because she, and to be fair he also, had not finished things up. I packed her bags and told her to go home and either clean up her life, leave him and come back, clean up her life and try anew with him, or clean up her life and move on to another dominant. 6 months later I received my collar back in the mail along with a note telling me that it had all been my fault, that things could have been beautiful if I hadn't been so "uptight and moralistic" and that she'd found a dominant who didn't care about taking money from her husband...in fact she enjoyed it. By now, I had grown enough that I could only shake my head at the incongruity of those statements instead of being floored by them and going into the "what-ifs" and "see, CD? you dummy".
I waited another four months before hooking up with my last submissive. 10 months. For me, a long time. I went into this last D/s dynamic with most, though not all, of the rules in place that I follow now. I tended to still be a bit more understanding than what was wise when it came to her reasons for not being home when she said she would and for all the time she spent on the computer. Turned out, as I have said before, that she was still involved with her prior dominant and when relocation came to the forefront, she chose to go back with him.
This was the shortest of my relationships and it ended two years ago. I have spent the last two years involved with my family and friends again, building my practice and being FRIENDS with submissives and dominants. I have looked within myself and found those things that fit me and those things from past relationships that did not fit me. I have become harsher in some ways, less bending in some ways and yet, have found new patience and understanding for things that go wrong along with an improved ability to discern B.S. from careless-though-not-intentionally-hurtful mistakes. As someone noted, it would be quite possible to let the baggage be just that...baggage...but I studiously avoid that while knowing that my past, along with finally facing everything in my life including the issues with my parents and ums that I have spoken of, has shaped me into what I am. There are people I care for deeply, including a very sweet person who struggles with many issues in their life including whether or not to let me or anyone else outside of family care for them...but I put myself out there and try not to throw up a guard against hurt. Hurt is part of life and that is something that has to be understood. It is highly unlikely that those you love will die at a time convenient for you or that you will die at a time convenient for them. It is unlikely that your submissive/dominant will always do the right thing or always be pleasing or always be nurturing but if they love you and care about you, they'll do their damndest. Someone hurting you because they are protecting themselves or trying to figure things out should be given the leeway for you to step back and look at their actions with as much DISpassion as possible so that you can discern if their actions are deliberate or thoughtless or the result of their own tumultuous world. I won't let someone keep hurting me deliberately but I will not dismiss someone from my life summarily. I have standards but they are standards tempered by my life experience which has taught me that though many things can be broken down into black and white, many more things have shades of gray to them. Even so, if you want to hold me to a certain standard, then I expect you to follow that same standard. There is room for two partners in my D/s dynamic but only one leader...and it ain't you. If you cannot accept that, that is fine...you may be submissive but you are not the submissive for me. I want someone to love and someone to love me...but since we find each other through D/s and that comes first, I will not love overrule the D/s dynamic anymore. At the same time, I will not be so rigid in my D/s dynamic that all the love is shunted aside whenever there is a conflict. Hopefully, we can interweave the fabric of the two to make a fuller tapestry.
< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 9/10/2008 8:06:28 AM >
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