RE: What is the true cost of your issues?

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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/10/2008 6:11:51 PM

TysGalilah

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I always search out your posts and continue to admire your courage and the openness with which you share your journey here on the CM boards..

my issues cost me:

the ability to find my voice and speak my mind.....which led to many missed life experiences in my adolesence, which led to promiscuity and mis-guided affections for the wrong reasons.

the ability to feel my feelings...or express my feelings, which
led to my inability to process grief when my son died, which led to a decade of self-loathing and self-injury..

self-importance and self-awareness
so I settled for much too much of far too less than I desired or deserved from the people around me who "said" they loved me.
I compensated with comforting through food, leading to a slow destruction of my physical ability to move and my emotional ability to stop my pain.
This nearly cost me my life and it certainly cost me years of living a life lacking my passions and my joys ( they were all stuck inside with all the other emotions I couldn't express and was afraid to feel ).

are some of them too expensive to keep?
absolutely. Paying the price of losing my dignity and self-respect was way too costly.

What have I gained through those issues?

I have gained it all back. And the strength it took to get me back there has made me a stronger person.
I gained patience and compassion for others..especially others who struggle with addiction and co-dependant relationships.

I gained the ability to write, because it was how I began to express myself when speaking words were still too difficult.

I gained a much deeper understanding of myself and what I find joyful. Taking much less for granted now....and alot less crap from people.

edited to correct spelling typo

< Message edited by TysGalilah -- 9/10/2008 6:14:36 PM >

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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/10/2008 7:43:41 PM

MzMia

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Hello stella,
Yet another wonderful topic!

I am going to answer your question, in terms of how my "issues" have affected
my selection of a submissive partner.
I don't trust easily, I don't jump into relationships and if you can't take the time
to get to know me WELL as a friend, then you can never become my submissive.
Also, if you attempt to push me or are one of the many that want's an "instant" relationship,
then we won't have one.

This has cost me, from getting close or having a serious relationship with almost every submissive male on here!
I will admit, I have had many sincere submissives approach me and because they were
pushy {to me}, the relationships never took off.
I have issues with giving second chances, and that has also cost me.
lol, but it has saved me at the same time.
I know myself very well, and quick intimacy has never worked for me.
I have been able to put a lot of time and effort into other pursuits in life, and I have to say I
have a wonderful life.
If I had entered into this relationship 20 years ago, I would have settled for "play" partners,
but that has never been what I was seeking.

My "issues" have prevented or curtailed many relationships with both women and men
in this lifestyle. If you rub me the wrong way, if you appear to be someone judgemental of individual differences, or quirks, I am inclined to shy away from you and I
will not bring you into my little circle of life.
Again, this goes for women and men, on both sides of the kneel.
I have always been "different", I am happily becoming "eccentric" and I am accepting of my current issues and ways.

To me life involves acceptance, learning, and growth, and that is what I am doing,
in fact, often I glow.

I am currently talking to a very sweet submissive male, and he may turn out to be "the one", and
my first collared submissive {if he passes the test of time}.
My "issues" have prevented a lot of short term pseudo relationships, but stella I am old enough
and self confident enough to be able to wait for "mr.right" and I don't want to settle for "mr.right now".

Life and love to ME, is not always about overcoming your issues, but finding the right MATE,
that can accept you and your "issues", and one that you can accept, respect, learn, grow and glow with.
Despite all I have been through, and my current issues, damn it, I am happy and I glow!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 9/10/2008 8:34:36 PM >

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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/10/2008 7:48:14 PM

NihilusZero

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This is an interesting question, as my nostalgia could also be said to be one of my issues...which would create a circling downward spiral.

Fears and insecurities manifest themselves in different way at different times and most every loss of a relationship has been suffered because of it/them. I'm more of a misanthrope now because of it all. However, the harder part is learning to understand when, despite the attraction and connection, the individual(s) you're with cannot (for one reason or another) be what you need.

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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/10/2008 8:07:22 PM

CruelDesires

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My issue? I am too harsh in my inability to forgive someone when they hurt or do a wrong to me or someone I love. To the point that I have dis-owned some immediate family members and haven't spoken to them for over 5 years. So.. I would say that I have problems with holding grudges against others. One that I have held for nigh on 30 years or more.

C-D

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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/10/2008 8:18:13 PM

MzMia

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires

My issue? I am too harsh in my inability to forgive someone when they hurt or do a wrong to me or someone I love. To the point that I have dis-owned some immediate family members and haven't spoken to them for over 5 years. So.. I would say that I have problems with holding grudges against others. One that I have held for nigh on 30 years or more.

C-D

C-D, lol your post is a bit sad, but I understand.
I can still hold a grudge, but I have grown.
When I was around 20, I had a little book and I would write down names and
what the person did to piss me off, in case I happened to forget.
I stopped doing that after a few months, now that is growth!
Can you say "grievance collector"?
I found myself often checking and updating the book, I decided it was not
healthy, and threw the book away.

I have grown to be a lot more forgiving, yet many things I don't forget.

....now about that little feature that allows you to write notes under members names?
yes, I do use it.

you should see some of my comments, I often re-read them just for chuckles.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 9/10/2008 8:50:19 PM >

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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/10/2008 8:21:30 PM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires

My issue? I am too harsh in my inability to forgive someone when they hurt or do a wrong to me or someone I love. To the point that I have dis-owned some immediate family members and haven't spoken to them for over 5 years. So.. I would say that I have problems with holding grudges against others. One that I have held for nigh on 30 years or more.

C-D

This echoes some of my sentiments as well.

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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/10/2008 8:56:40 PM

MzMia

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stella, in reply to your last question:

But what has been the true cost of your issues? And having paid the price, what have you gained in return?

Are some issues just too expensive to keep?
I think when the issues cause enough harm, or enough pain, most people let them go.

I honestly feel that many come close to losing their lives and some do indeed DO lose their life
because of/or as a result of their "issues".

The jails and mental hospitals are full of people with many serious unresolved "issues".

I am glad you have successfully survived and proudly overcame many of your "issues".
You are glowing!

Namaste

< Message edited by MzMia -- 9/10/2008 9:04:15 PM >

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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/10/2008 9:02:14 PM

Kalista07

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Stella,
once again i must commend You on starting not only a thought provoking thread, but one that seriously made me stop and evaluate and take stock in myself.
i know there have been times in my life where my 'issues' have cost me certain things such as: relationships, jobs, career promotions, friendships, money, material possessions. And while this may not appear to be on track with Your post, or perhaps i'm just a Nazi for semantics..... i, instead chose to recognize what i've given up.....Because of my 'issues' i've given up: my dignity, my self esteem, my pride, my humility, my rights, my values, my morals......Truth is, i could go on and on and on........But, the thing i am the most grateful for is despite every horrendous incident in my life, despite all the travesties of justice, despite all of the sadness, grief, and horror i've learned to do more than survive. i've learned to thrive. Somewhere along the line i met Him. Please do not think that i am even of the mindset that when i met Him all things in my world just fell into place. It's not like that at all. The reality is when i met Him i was at a wonderfully horrible place. i was at that place where You stop looking for anyone...When You decide there are worst things than being alone in the world. That You decide that despite all of the horrible things that have happened in life, You will be okay..And at this point, then the whole world opens up and checks to see how willing You are to do these things You've always longed for....
In meeting Him it opened the doors to so many things for me: experiencing happiness (for the FIRST time in my life!!), finally being with someone who i could trust 100%, experiencing being completely vulnerable and not getting hurt (either physical or emotional), being in a relationship where i'm valued, getting a job where i'm not only valued but respected, finally taking responsibility for my health issues.
i'm sorry Stella, i have no idea if any of this makes any sense. i read Your thread moments after You initially posted it, and have just been so lost in thought that i have been unable to articulate my thoughts.
i hope this wasn't as stupid as it feels,
Kali

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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/11/2008 5:21:08 PM

stella41b

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First I'd like to apologize that I haven't been able to come back until now to this thread due to being busy with other things.

It did take me 40 minutes of deliberation before I posted the OP, which I did for a reason and that was to share, to think and as I sometimes do to use as a sounding board. I guess it's that sort of feeling you get when it's you and only you sitting in front of the computer and thinking, 'is this just me or..?'

I'd like to thank everybody for responding to the thread and for taking the time and trouble to share that part of them with me and everybody else on the thread. I'd also like to thank everybody for the messages they sent me over the past couple of days as a result of this thread. This gave me more insight, understanding, at times I was touched, moved, and on a couple of occasions a little close to tears (I'm soft that way).

I'd also like to thank you all because it gave me a tad more confidence and faith to go out today and in addition to opening my first fringe season in London and setting up a munch to meet with a couple of the major homeless charities in London to discover that I have been given 'carte blanche' to develop my various projects to conduct a revolution in the way people perceive the homeless in London and to work with others to work together to bring them back into society.

Yes my issues have cost me much, but some of the things I have gained in return and learned as a result cannot have a price put on them. When I first started lurking on these boards (before I had the confidence to post) I too was living in a hostel for the homeless in Hackney in East London. You have all seen me grow over the past year or so when I have been posting, and I feel it's only fair that to thank you for your support, friendship and encouragement, irrespective of whether we agreed or disagreed, and to share with you my success as my failures.

My work may take me away from the boards more but rest assured I am here in spirit as I consider this my spiritual home. Finally, you all rock.

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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/12/2008 4:40:06 AM

MistressEllieS

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You rock Stella!!!

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RE: What is the true cost of your issues? - 9/12/2008 11:40:04 AM

HeidiAnn

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i'm still too young and all caught up in busy life to really know what the costs have been. But sometimes i have these moments of clarity when i see parts of damage i have taken in this life. i know that i have trust issues. Being abandonded by many people because of the trans-side in me has made me really question how conditional relationships are to many people, friends and family alike. This all has also made me a bit "normalphobic." i have prejudices against people who assimilate in to the norms of our society. And i have recurrent dreams and times when i have trouble controlling my emotions, mostly anger (which means there is a lot of sadness in me still).

heidi

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