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Help - 9/10/2008 7:41:07 AM

pnut8377

Posts: 33
Status: offline

I'm extremely new to all of this. I am currently collared by a man i met online. He had been taking the lead and of course i am following. We have discussions of eventually meeting down the road and maybe continue this to real life. (I have been following all the necessary precautions. I have his address, i know where he works, i have his phone numbers, etc..) I have been hurt before and have completely closed myself off from feeling things that my make me vulnarable. He has been working on breaking down those barriers to get me to trust him. He also told me as his sub I am the emotional one and need to tell him how i am feeling. Now the last two days i have been really trying to express myself to him, telling him that i am confused about things and im afraid to feel things that i have been feeling, the bottom line is im afraid that the more barriers he breaks down the more i may fall for him. I didnt tell him that directly but i was trying too. So he asks me, am I on my period because i am so emotional. I told him no. I told him the more he breaks down my barriers the more emotional i am becoming. Basically the end of the conversation was that he told me i needed to get my emotions in check. What the hell does that mean? Those statement right there only make me want to close up again. Then when i asked him if we could drop the conversation all together and so i could get my thoughts together, he said i was being disrespectful. I apologized and told him he was right but really I dont think i was. Any advice would be helpful.

Post #: 1

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 8:10:20 AM

pnut8377

Posts: 33
Status: offline

Also I found his profile on here and it stated that he was seeking sub women when we had discussed that neither of us share. Do I ask him about it?

(in reply to pnut8377)

Post #: 2

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 8:12:37 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

greetings pnut8377,

Aside from the "online collar", you are describing my first experience out of the gates...infact, your words are so familiar - it could be the same guy~

The problem with an online relationship is that in it's safety and anonymity, it is easier to become prematurely intimate wih our emotions without the physical reality to balance it. Truly i would advise either meeting this guy immediately or taking off the virtual collar that is literally meaningless in my opinion and get out into real life. i would think long and hard about how many walls i would break down to an identity that is little more than pixels on a screen~

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to pnut8377)

Post #: 3

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 8:14:01 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Perhaps the first way to get your emotions in check is to actually meet someone and spend some time with him (you know, real time, in real life, reality-based) before accepting a collar.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 4

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 8:14:07 AM

SingleRarity

Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline

There is no kink manual, and just because you identify as a sub doesn't mean you are automatically "the emotional" one in the relationship. It sounds like the dude is giving you mixed messages. Honestly, how can you become so attached to someone you've never met in real life? I don't get it. It sounds like he has issues.

Daddy's Ballerina, e

(in reply to pnut8377)

Post #: 5

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 8:21:39 AM

sistermargaret

Posts: 101
Joined: 8/8/2008
Status: offline

Hummmm. Collared to someone you've never met? Perhaps that's the bigger problem.
In MHO this is really a case of opening a Pandora's box. He wants you to open up to Him then He can't handle what comes out. i'd keep my walls up too. What's the rush? There isn't anything wrong in lowering those protective walls a tiny little bit at a time. Let Him digest and understand you a little bit at a time. Men in general, i've found, don't see things the same way we gals do, and although they view your emotions as part of their property also, they just can't handle the flood we give them. Slow down and follow the KISS rule ... Keep It Simple Stupid. i'd also expect Him to lower some of His walls.
BDSM is a dance, of sorts, and both partners have their roles. You can follow His lead, but YOU have the equal responsibility to make the right steps. i know this will sound just awful but my advise to you is
1. give back the collar and wait till you've met each other
2. slow down, learn about BDSM by reading everything you can get your hands on, on the web and in books
3. Only give of yourself what He can deal with
Good luck to you.
sm

All it takes is absolute surrender

(in reply to pnut8377)

Post #: 6

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 8:28:14 AM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

Greetings:

This is a very common mistake novices make coming in the lifestyle. I did it. I learned a lot from it.
By closing yourself off from the rest of the world, you have made yourself very venerable to online cam scenes which in my opinion are degrading.
Get out.
You deserve better even if you have to leave your lifestyle to do it.
Change your telephone numbers. Change your screne names. Change your email provider.
Above all, change your passwords on CollarMe.
Run, Forrest, Run. Don't look back.

Regards, MissSCD

quote:

ORIGINAL: pnut8377

I'm extremely new to all of this. I am currently collared by a man i met online. He had been taking the lead and of course i am following. We have discussions of eventually meeting down the road and maybe continue this to real life. (I have been following all the necessary precautions. I have his address, i know where he works, i have his phone numbers, etc..) I have been hurt before and have completely closed myself off from feeling things that my make me vulnarable. He has been working on breaking down those barriers to get me to trust him. He also told me as his sub I am the emotional one and need to tell him how i am feeling. Now the last two days i have been really trying to express myself to him, telling him that i am confused about things and im afraid to feel things that i have been feeling, the bottom line is im afraid that the more barriers he breaks down the more i may fall for him. I didnt tell him that directly but i was trying too. So he asks me, am I on my period because i am so emotional. I told him no. I told him the more he breaks down my barriers the more emotional i am becoming. Basically the end of the conversation was that he told me i needed to get my emotions in check. What the hell does that mean? Those statement right there only make me want to close up again. Then when i asked him if we could drop the conversation all together and so i could get my thoughts together, he said i was being disrespectful. I apologized and told him he was right but really I dont think i was. Any advice would be helpful.

(in reply to pnut8377)

Post #: 7

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 9:34:02 AM

pnut8377

Posts: 33
Status: offline

Thank you to everyone who replied. I appreciate the advice because there is no one in my life i can discuss this with. I agree that I shouldnt have his collar already. I didnt realize what i was getting myself into until after i accepted it. I am also going to tell him that and slow everything down between us. He is moving at a much faster pace than i am ready for and to continue a D/s relationship that we are going to have to meet in real life. My concern is he is taking advantage of me because i am new to the scene.

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 8

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 9:46:23 AM

skeletoncrew

Posts: 17
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pnut8377
My concern is he is taking advantage of me because i am new to the scene.

trust your instincts, they are usually right....

personally i have never seen how people can have a "real" relationship over the internet or even phone or letters...yeah, you can learn about a person, get to know them, etc , etc but how or why you would have collar/accept a collar without some real life face to face time to see if it works at all is WAY beyond me...i guess i am just too hands on...

being a submissive doesn't mean being a doormat or ignoring your gut...quite the opposite you are still responsible for yourself, your well being(physically, emotionally, spiritually), and your level/experience of submission...

"Take it easy, baby
Take it as it comes
Don't move too fast if you want your love to last
You've been movin' much too fast"

-Jim morrison

(in reply to pnut8377)

Post #: 9

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 9:58:47 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Pnut he isn't doing a damn thing you aren't allowing and encouraging him to do. Take control of your choices and expectations and you'll be making a good start.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to skeletoncrew)

Post #: 10

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 10:08:39 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Its been my observation when an online guy wants you to lower your defenses he is talking sexually. Be open to playing the way he says, ect. They really don't want to be exposed to the scary, or overly needy emotions. They want the ones that pat them on the back and tell them what a good and powerful person they are, because they can make you a puddle of mush. They want to know that someone out there is at their whim.
He really doesn't want to know that this is becoming more than sex for you because that may lead to more. More potential that he might be found out.
If you want to be with an online dom, try to keep it light. He wants the fantasy.
Kyst

(in reply to pnut8377)

Post #: 11

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 10:11:02 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

If you want to be with an online dom, try to keep it light. He wants the fantasy.

And see what you can do to encourage his interest, remembering that you are playing along with the game. I have found that outlandish fantasies and talk of how you want a sister sub will keep them amused.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 12

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 10:20:25 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

LMAO that is so true!!!
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I have found that outlandish fantasies and talk of how you want a sister sub will keep them amused.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 13

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 10:23:28 AM

pnut8377

Posts: 33
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Its been my observation when an online guy wants you to lower your defenses he is talking sexually. Be open to playing the way he says, ect. They really don't want to be exposed to the scary, or overly needy emotions. They want the ones that pat them on the back and tell them what a good and powerful person they are, because they can make you a puddle of mush. They want to know that someone out there is at their whim.
He really doesn't want to know that this is becoming more than sex for you because that may lead to more. More potential that he might be found out.
If you want to be with an online dom, try to keep it light. He wants the fantasy.
Kyst

He has expressed that he wants more than online fantasy...but he wont push it until i am ready for that...and believe it or not our conversations are not sexually orientated we talk alot about other stuff like what goes on in everyday lives...but he always wants to know what i am feeling without telling me how he feels...but i cant just open up with someone i only know online and that wont open up with me...and then when i finally try to express how i feeling..and try to find out what he is feeling... he asks if am on my period, lol

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 14

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 10:26:37 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

he asks if am on my period, lol

You could have fun with that too! He opened the door.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to pnut8377)

Post #: 15

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 10:28:27 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Exactly my point. He doesn't want the reality. He only needs enough of the fantasy to get the warm fuzzy feelings that lead to passionate encounters. If you want that type of relationship, keep it light.
I have known people to last for years if they remember that.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: pnut8377
when i finally try to express how i feeling..and try to find out what he is feeling... he asks if am on my period, lol

(in reply to pnut8377)

Post #: 16

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 10:32:30 AM

sistermargaret

Posts: 101
Joined: 8/8/2008
Status: offline

off topic aside ...

"Dream and the way will be clear
Pray and the angels will hear
Leap and the net will appear..."
CK

i really like that!
sm

All it takes is absolute surrender

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 17

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 10:53:02 AM

pnut8377

Posts: 33
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Exactly my point. He doesn't want the reality. He only needs enough of the fantasy to get the warm fuzzy feelings that lead to passionate encounters. If you want that type of relationship, keep it light.
I have known people to last for years if they remember that.
Kyst

thanks for the advice...I will definately keep it light

_____________________________

Never take someone for granted
Hold every person close to your heart
because you might wake up one day
and realize you've lost a diamond
while you were to busy collecting stones....

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 18

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 10:58:27 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

LA you made a great point.

(in reply to sistermargaret)

Post #: 19

RE: Help - 9/10/2008 10:59:54 AM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pnut8377

I'm extremely new to all of this. I am currently collared by a man i met online. He had been taking the lead and of course i am following.

I have been hurt before and have completely closed myself off from feeling things that my make me vulnerable.

Now the last two days i have been really trying to express myself to him, telling him that i am confused about things and im afraid to feel things that i have been feeling, the bottom line is im afraid that the more barriers he breaks down the more i may fall for him.

I told him the more he breaks down my barriers the more emotional i am becoming.

Basically the end of the conversation was that he told me i needed to get my emotions in check. What the hell does that mean? Those statement right there only make me want to close up again.

Any advice would be helpful.

Hello pnut8377. Now this is just my opinion as a dom. Without blaming either you or your cyber partner it is evident that both of you are going too fast. It is evident that you are afraid because of this, as you do not have time to take in what you are experiencing (''extremely new'').

In a nut shell, too much and too fast. That's my objective take on this. My subjective take is that both of you are incompatible (as the communication seems adequate to me) or you have a pushy dom who is following ''barrier'' recipes to get you to ''get with the program''. You cannot make a flower grow faster by pulling on it. You should not blame yourself for having reservations... that's just your common sense nagging at you.

This is what I think a starting relationship should be: fun. You are not expressing joy at all (red flag?: Could be).

One can be serious in training, servicing, scening but on the ''whole'' it still has to be fun for you. I don't think you are experiencing the ''whole'' package at this stage. Try to go slow and enjoy yourself, if it is not possible? Find someone with compatible skills that make for good synergy. Good luck to you. RL.

(in reply to pnut8377)

Post #: 20

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