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Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 6:05:48 AM   
mortre


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/4/2008
Status: offline 		                      I am looking on somewhere to look up information on submissives.  Not just bedroom information but lifestyle, what makes them tick.  I am in a serious relationship with one, but I am new to BDSM.  It has taken me months to convince her of that.  Appearently I fell into my role easily and quickly enough that she thought I had experience.  In reality I simply responded to her actions, which was quite a suprise to me even.  Odd the "skeletons in the closet" that you don't even know about I guess.  But it's true and I would like to do some research on the subject.  However I'm not even sure how to seperate the good information from the muck.
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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 6:20:16 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		a couple of questions:

what sort of  "ticks" info are you looking for? each of us, believe it or not, are wired differently so you're going to get numerous responses.

and you need to explain a little (without giving all the intimate details) of what you convinced her.  that part left me confused.

thanks



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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 6:28:48 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Some good info here

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 6:42:50 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		Damn and for the longest time I was thinking that they where on 6th :-)

Mike

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 6:45:58 AM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		well you are in our forum as it is...So....ask a sweetheart

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 7:06:29 AM   
mortre


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/4/2008
Status: offline 		Well, it's hard to explain since it leaves me confused at times.  All I know is it took about 2 months before she quit asking me if I was sure I had never messed around the D/s world.  And as far as what makes her/submissives tick, well, what I've garnered so far is to quit trying to make her stop buying me stuff.  She's a lot happier now that I've stopped that.  I've figured out that threatening a spanking (which I've recently learned I enjoy doing) for going against what I tell her virtually guarentee's misbehavior. I love the fact that sometimes she's as meek as milk.  However if I pamper her, as I would normally do with I woman I'm happy with, she goes hell on wheels and tries to bull doze me over.  That really gets under my skin.  Basically, I love it when she stays in line, and would like to keep her there.  However I need a little more information on the psychology of it all before I can stop flipping a coin and recording the results basically.  Just trying to understand the underlying thought processes, what she is looking for, basic techniques and such.  Learning by trial and error gets old after awhile.

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 7:15:22 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		As others have stated, there is no one "owner's manual" for submissive folk.  Just realize that a D/s relationship is (in most cases) just like any other intimate relationship, except with a different governing dynamic.  There is still the requirement of Love, Respect, and Trust that you find in any other relationship, and each party has responsibilities to themselves and to the other.  It is not a license to shirk responsibility, or abuse another human - not that you or your partner would do that, but making sure you are aware.  :)

These boards are a really good resource for information.  You can see the life from multiple perspectives in each of the forums here, so read a lot.  And talk to each other a lot about what -you both- want to bring into being with this D/s dynamic. 

Hope that helps. 

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 7:15:55 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		This is somethign i srrsly mean - and 7,000 other people are going to tell you this. Get to a munch with your sub. Srrsly. Make some friends. Making friends with other subs will teach you things you can't learn any other way - making friends with other men who actually and successfully own a woman also will.
Do a LOT of research. Read web pages. Read 'the books'. take everything you read with a grain of salt - but after a while, through all that salt will come some ideas that stand out to you, resonate with YOU.
Do a BDSM profile list together. Yes, I know how many people here don't care for them - but they are such a good conversation starter. Do one, and you will have some topics to discuss together, and some ideas of things to research.
Get more information out of her. Start assigning some kind of written work - keeping a blog you can read, or doing research papers for you on various BDSM topics (which the survey will have given you a nice BUNCH of), or questions to write an essay on - send her a thread on a discusion forum or a news peice you found interesting and tell her to write you a response to it. After you read it, you can talk.
The best thing you can do is get inside her head. Talk, Talk, TALK, and then talk some more.
And make plans to go to a nice convention somewhere. Great classes, buy some new toys, time away with the girl, and it is FUN.
This should be FUN, btw. If you are not having fun, you are doing it wrong.

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 7:17:09 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Trial by error is all you have to go by. There IS no psychology behind it, it is a preference and personality like any other. I could easily tell you what makes Fox tick, and what his motivations are. However, they would be in strict counterpoint to what you have already mentioned about your girl. If I threaten a spanking for going against me, Fox would sooner die than disobey. Your girl wants to be punished, so she disobeys to get it. She sounds like she is a bratty sub in the making, and possibly very manipulative. She might be lucky you are not versed in the lifestyle or youd be putting your foot down and making sure she stayed in line. Essentially, if she wants you to be the dominant, then you tell her what you want. If you are trying to cater to her desires to make her a better submissive... she is the one doing the controlling not you. What you need to do is sit own with her and talk it out. Ask her what she is looking for, and explain that if she wants you to be dominant other than simply in the bedroom she had better straighten up and fly right. If she wants to throw her little hell on wheels tantrums whenever you do something you enjoy then she is at best a toppy bottom, at worst not sub at all. Submissives do not throw fits when their dominants do things they enjoy doing, regardless of what it is. If I want to give my boy a massage then dammit he will get it and enjoy it.
You might want to take a really god look at what you are asking and see if thats the dynamic you realy want to create. Do you want to cater to her desires and become a custom made Dom who only controls her in the way she wishes to be controlled? Thats what you are asking, here, to figure out how to control what she wants without making wves elsewhere.

DV


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(in reply to mortre)
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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 7:20:54 AM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		Well spanking is a good one, but its the emotion behind the action not the action itself thats what your looking for. Like i can recieve a spanking on two different days, One Master is in a good mood and tackles me fromm across the room and spanks me for "flaunting my sexy sexy ass" and im a "bad bad girl for doing so and distracting him!" .....thats a fun spanking! But if I get dragged by my hair upstaires while getting an earfull about disappointing him or not doing something i said i was going to do or was ordered to do (i forget things alot, i have slight shot term memory loss) thats a bad spanking im usually crying at the end of. See my point?

and hell corner time never hurt anyone...i also cant think of one person i know who likes and or gets off from it.

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 7:24:27 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Why not sit down and talk to her and ask her what makes her tick??

As submissives go, we may like alot of the same things, but on a deeper level we are all vastly different and what makes me tick isn't going to be the same as what makes her tick.

Like DV said, it really is a process of trail and error, but the process can be alot of fun to learn. and and times complete hell lol

Best of luck

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 7:35:29 AM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

Damn and for the longest time I was thinking that they where on 6th :-)

Mike



I found mine in the basement......*grins*  Guess that's why I've always like starting at the bottom!


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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 7:41:04 AM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Seriously, as most has posted there isn't a manual or book you can buy which will offer a clearer insight to what makes a submissive tick. What makes sense to me is to converse with other submissives and get their opinions on what makes them who they are. After a while, you'll gain a better understanding of how we think, why we think the way we do, etc. We all have our many differences yet the one commonality I see is we all have this desire to please and be pleasing to our dominant partner. 

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Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 10:05:41 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		morte, there is quite a lot to read, but you've learned more from observing her, reacting to her, and responding to her.  She is unique; there's is no handbook on submissives that covers everyone.  If you want to read, Jay Wiseman seems reliable.  However, in reading, remember...it's just like anything else.  The muck stands alone because it's preposterous.
 
candystripper 

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 10:35:25 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

Appearently I fell into my role easily and quickly enough that she thought I had experience. In reality I simply responded to her actions, which was quite a suprise to me even

It sounds to me like you're 1/2 way to knowing all you need to know -- the other 1/2 would be if she's naturally falling into her role in response to you. If so, then info about generic submissives is superfluous because it ain't necessarily describing her.


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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 11:00:07 AM   
Gleegal67


Posts: 218
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Phoenix
Status: offline 		Amazon or any bookstores...great reading...

SM101 by Jay Wiseman

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns

Any books by Midori - all great introductions

Mistress Steal - The Chamber (online) great resources

The Loving Dominant

Erotic Surrender:The Sensual Joys of Female Submission

Enjoy!! :)

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 11:31:07 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		There are two ways to go about this...but you're asking the wrong questions.

You need to find our what makes her tick, not submissives as a whole. Either you can have a very thorough conversation in which she can tell you these things...but it seems like the situation for you both involves a lot of newness...meaning, you both may not understand yourselves, what you want and/or what you expect out of such interactions.

In which case, things are going to be a lot more difficult and will likely involve a lot of reading as these will be the very basic dynamics of any D/s relationship (fortunately some posters have provided you starting points for this).


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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/11/2008 6:50:50 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		For one, you know she likes spankings so tell her she won't get them if she disobeys, instead she'll get a lecture and be told to write "I will behave like an adult" 500 times in future.

However the corollary to this is that she still needs to get her physical needs met, so you have to step up the pace of the spankings. And she has to be told to ask for one or for play directly.

If she acts up after pampering, then tell her to settle down or back to the 500 lines or essay on why she can't accept being treated nicely, why does she feel she needs to pay for it and thus acts up to receive punishment. She needs to figure out where this behavior is coming from, ask about family of origin stuff, did she sometimes get a present in a store and then get treated badly afterwards? You can't cure it if you don't know where it originates from.

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/12/2008 11:34:03 AM   
Worldly1


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		I applaud you for asking for help. After all, it's you who must step up the plate and own the position of leadership.

I have a few suggestions:

1. Insist on total transparency, and be an empathetic listener. This means that she needs to learn to trust you enough to be able to tell you her deepest, darkest secrets and thoughts, without fear of being rejected. I heard of one submissive who confessed to her Master that she caught herself looking at another man's butt and admiring it. Upon hearing this, her Master smiled and brought her in close to him, honoring her for her honesty.
2. Some submissives are of the opinion that their role is to please their Master. I disagree. I believe their role is to obey their Master, for it's up to him to decide if it's pleasing or not. This removes the stress from the submissive, who need only obey and not have to guess whether she is pleasing him or not.
3. Over the years, I have come to understand that the greatest desire of many submissives is to be dominated in a healthy way. They have a deep need to obey and to submit. If you take this away from them, or dilute it, they're not as happy. Sometimes being dominant is just instructing her to lay naked at your feet while you're relaxing. It doesn't have to be complicated.
4. Understand that there is more than one type of spanking. Your girl likely enjoys an erotic spanking, and may even enjoy a hand spanking for punishment. If you want to take the pleasure out of it and make it truly for punishment, try using a flat wooden paddle and applying only a handful of very strong strokes, with no warm up. I doubt if she'd find that enjoyable.

These are just a few suggestions for you to take or leave.

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RE: Information on Submissives. - 9/12/2008 8:53:57 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Worldly1

I applaud you for asking for help. After all, it's you who must step up the plate and own the position of leadership.

I have a few suggestions:

And a couple of things I'd like to point out - I am only answering as ONE slave, but, you seem to be prety sure of a few things that are true of all slaves/Masters. Just offering an alternative POV. YMMV. drive carefully, and all that....
quote:


1. Insist on total transparency, and be an empathetic listener. This means that she needs to learn to trust you enough to be able to tell you her deepest, darkest secrets and thoughts, without fear of being rejected. I heard of one submissive who confessed to her Master that she caught herself looking at another man's butt and admiring it. Upon hearing this, her Master smiled and brought her in close to him, honoring her for her honesty.

Really? that was really her deepest darkest secret?
    I have asked Master if he would burn me at the stake, if He would use his packacking knife to skin and fillet me without doing life threatetening damage, if he would nail me. He is considering a crixifiction scene.
   Master knows that I would really, really like to volenteer at the local nursing home, giving blow jobs to residents.
        And those are the ones I am willing to admit to HERE, to total strangers. They don't even come CLOSE to the really deep dark stuff.
I mean, really, her deepest, darkest fantasy/secret was that she looked at some guy's ass? For real?

quote:



4. Understand that there is more than one type of spanking. Your girl likely enjoys an erotic spanking, and may even enjoy a hand spanking for punishment. If you want to take the pleasure out of it and make it truly for punishment, try using a flat wooden paddle and applying only a handful of very strong strokes, with no warm up. I doubt if she'd find that enjoyable.

These are just a few suggestions for you to take or leave.



Okay, I like spankings. I like being beaten. REALLY beaten. I like it to HURT. I like my trips to Hell. Beg for them.
What I don't like is the fact that it is punishment - I don't like having to know that I disappointed Him, and that He must now discipline me, and, furthermore, that He is not enjoying it, - not like He enjoys it when we play.

At playtime, I don't much care for warm up - it just keeps me from getting to the intensity that I need to get to to really enjoy it. What I really enjoy - MOST of all - is big, heavy ass toys that scare the pants off most sane people ( which I never claimed to be one of), used at full force, with full intensity, without warm up.

If you don't believe me when I tell you I like this, I can find a few people who have watched Master and I play, who generally comment on the fact that without warm up, the find the heavest toy you can hoist and hit as hard as you can leaves me moaning and screaming 'Yes! YES! MORE!'

We (slaves in general) are simply not all the same.

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“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

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