When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ?

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When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 5:44:56 PM

hedonist

Posts: 15
Joined: 2/22/2004
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When is it safe for a bottom/submissive to have a first private bondage scene with a new Top/Dom ?

After all Beaver Cleaver might be Charlie Mansion once he gets a girl tied up.

When is it 'safe' fro a submissive to give her control away ?

I am starting the thread in response to an e-mail.

Post #: 1

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 5:49:45 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Never if you're asking for absolute guarantees.

Assuming the bottom has decent people skills, and that is an assumption, then after she's talked with him enough to feel comfortable. This means conversations can't be about beat and fuck but rather about how he handles himself in specific circumstances. What did he do the last time he lost his temper with his boss? How did he part from his ex, as friends or screaming and yelling? How about getting cut off in traffic?

For us, we talked it all out ahead of time, becoming friends first. Then the first meet, breakfast which turned into spending all day together. And the bondage and sex happened on the second meet. We've been together over five years now.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 9/11/2008 6:15:54 PM >

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Post #: 2

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 6:01:47 PM

Shawn1066

Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

When is it safe?

I don't think there's any sure-fire, 100% way to tell. When I met my Owner, for all intents and purposes she was a warm, intelligent, kind-hearted woman that I could trust with my life. Ultimately I did...

Still, there was no guarantee that my trust was put in the right place. She could have--quite easily--mutilated me or far, far worse in no time flat. Physically, I'd have had no chance against her if I'd put my trust in the wrong place. It was always a possibility.

Still, I believe in people and I thought I had a good feel for her. I was right. I'd think, more often than not, your gut will be right and worrying about the "what ifs" of life will only do you harm. I could very well trip when I get up out of this chair and break my neck...but I'm not going to worry about it.

When it comes for people, you can inspect them all you like and when you feel it's right...I think it probably will be.

My two cents,
DV's Fox

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 3

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 6:01:58 PM

chicagoswitch

Posts: 68
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

I would not allow bondage on a first or probably even second meeting and I state it up front. Also, during a first session, I may not be fully submissive. I reserve that right to help insure my safety.

(in reply to hedonist)

Post #: 4

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 6:13:06 PM

Skyfire

Posts: 21
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline

If you enjoy public play, a first date can be fine for play. You have DMs watching your every move and making sure both parties are safe.

A party with people you know and trust is another option for playing a bit safer for the first time, albeit not as safe as a public club.

As for playing in private, your gut will usually be a good judge, just do not let your groin overrule you. Lust comes quickly in a BDSM relationship, use your head and you will be fine. Set up a safe call with a friend, and avoid full bondage until you completely trust your playmate.

(in reply to chicagoswitch)

Post #: 5

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 6:15:59 PM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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Neither person knows the other is 100% safe. You can get a sense of safety through the course of conversations (like Des mentioned), you can do background checks, you can pay attention to your gut instincts.

Funny, I'm going to meet someone on Sunday and he jokingly asked me, "How do I know you're safe??" I laughed and said, "You don't!".

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to hedonist)

Post #: 6

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 6:29:42 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Depends on if you like to live on the edge I suppose....

Whats that sayin`...If ya can`t run with the big dogs stay on the...porch!

(in reply to hedonist)

Post #: 7

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 6:29:51 PM

Cyis75

Posts: 164
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: Georgia
Status: offline

As others have said before me, you can never be 100% certain. The best advice is not until you feel comfortable enough letting yourself be vulnerable, especially if you're the submissive; however, even from the other side as the dominant you have to be careful of the submissive that cries foul afterwards. If you don't already have good open communication going on then I would definitely say hold off. If possible I'd even suggest the first couple times you scene doing so at a public play space or even a private house party where there are others present to help keep both parties safe.

In all of What It Is That We Do (tm) you have to be aware of all the risks and determine what risks you're willing to take. When in doubt erring on the side of caution will never do you wrong.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 8

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 6:39:07 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hedonist

When is it safe for a bottom/submissive to have a first private bondage scene with a new Top/Dom ?

After all Beaver Cleaver might be Charlie Mansion once he gets a girl tied up.

When is it 'safe' fro a submissive to give her control away ?

I am starting the thread in response to an e-mail.

My answer might have been different if you hadn't specified "private". In truth, it is safe for a bottom/submissive to have a first private bondage scene when xhe is sure that it is safe -- whatever it takes and however long it takes to get to that point, that is how long it takes.

If there is a lot of groundwork laid ahead of time, a first physical meeting might become a play session IF the submissive party feels comfortable enough to do so -- at the same time, another submissive might need 3 meetings, 4 meetings... a half dozen meetings before being comfortable with a particular dominant-type person to the point of being comfortable with private play.

Public play, OTOH -- even playing in a situation like ours where there are other people around, isn't quite the same. There is the knowledge that you're not alone with this person. So there is that flexibility to be able to enjoy a scene without quite so much sense of putting one's life on the line.

Calla Firestorm

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to hedonist)

Post #: 9

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 6:47:51 PM

Brownbohemian

Posts: 55
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline

You should treat it like any first date or meeting. Is there really a difference? We go out on dates with complete strangers at the drop of hat because we met them at a bar somewhere, on the job, or our friend hooked us up. Honestly we are safer in BDSm b/c we pretty much know that somebody is going to be tied up at some point. Our guard is up, we are more alert. On a regular date we go in assuming we are just going to have dinner and a movie which could make us more vulnerable. Take your time and be upfront from the very begining, and watch who runs. Lay those cards on the table our world is not a place to be coy at first, that can come later, much sexier then.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 10

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 7:17:12 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hedonist

When is it safe for a bottom/submissive to have a first private bondage scene with a new Top/Dom ?

After all Beaver Cleaver might be Charlie Mansion once he gets a girl tied up.

When is it 'safe' fro a submissive to give her control away ?

I am starting the thread in response to an e-mail.

It's never safe to go to a private place with a person that you don't know (your mommie didn't tell you that?)...but you didn't say whether or not you know this new top or how well.

It's never safe to give control to someone you don't know...see above.

There are a ton of "rules of safety" that people will arbitrarily make up and follow, but none of them is as good as taking time to get to know a person. I have met submissives and tied them up the same night, or waited a week or two for a first play date. It all depends on how I feel about them, and how they feel about me. (yes, I've played on the first meeting, I know, shocking)

The safety rules that many will give you are only as good as the people making and sticking to them and if you don't know them, how do you know they will? Making a safe call only tells someone that you are safe at the time of the call, not once you hang up. A sealed envelope containing the address you are going to, left with a trusted friend, only lets them know where to start looking for the body when you don't return on time.

There is no magic number of phone calls or dates that will determine when you are ready to begin playing. And ready does not equal safe. Use common sense, trust yourself and your instincts, and don't let your desire to play override them.

< Message edited by yourMissTress -- 9/11/2008 7:25:11 PM >

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to hedonist)

Post #: 11

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 7:23:35 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I'm going with "thirty seconds after hello".

It's never going to get any safer than that.

Cali

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(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 12

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 7:26:12 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I'm going with "thirty seconds after hello".

It's never going to get any safer than that.

Cali

or you could just do that.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 13

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 7:28:52 PM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I'm going with "thirty seconds after hello".

It's never going to get any safer than that.

Cali

or you could just do that.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 14

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/11/2008 8:51:19 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

For me it's after at least one phone call.

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Post #: 15

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/12/2008 6:15:42 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Definitely AFTER some trust has been built. Make sure you ask questions about their skill level - it would be terrible to find out that it was his first time. Bring a pair of safely scissors like are used to cut clothes off in the emergency room in case he doesn't think to and can't get you untied. If you feel uncomfortable in any way once you meet you are under no obligation to go through with it. Keep safe and sane in mind at all times. : )

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Post #: 16

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/12/2008 6:37:01 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

For me, it has been five meetings over two weeks and we only engaged in light play as of our third meeting with no bondage, but I would have let her have her complete way with me after our second meeting. It is a gut instinct based on how the person acts, what they say, and how you -feel-.

Listen closely for any alarms going off inside, and if anything makes you in the slightest bit uncomfortable, ask for clarification, or slow it down, or take the clue and get the hell out of there.

Being submissive does not mean being stupid and you should not give your power away until you feel confident in doing so.

My 2c

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 17

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/12/2008 6:43:15 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

I've taken chances I won't take again. I realize that even having your hans bound behind your back does quite a bit to immobilize you. I don't think I'd let him tie me up any sooner than I'd let him f**k me now.

candystripper

(in reply to hedonist)

Post #: 18

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/12/2008 6:50:20 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I'm going with "thirty seconds after hello".

It's never going to get any safer than that.

Cali

or you could just do that.

Yes, but when does the blowjob come into play?

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 19

RE: When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ? - 9/12/2008 7:04:35 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

~ Fast Reply ~

quote:

When is it 'safe' to have a first scene ?

When you have established enough trust and integrity between your partner and yourself and to do so.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 20

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