RE: Did I Really Blow It?

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RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/14/2008 4:52:22 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
You're gonna be spending a lot of time with your head "swimming" when the substance of your D/s relationship is an online dom who's likely using your inexperience to propogate his own fanciful fantasies.

C'mon, he's "dismissed" you for not wearing a corset?? That'd be quite severe in a devoted and committed real time relationship but when it's someone who likely doesn't know the real *you* at all then it's nothing more than the actions of a nasty little ego-tripper drunk with the power allowed over you!...

... You seem quite earnest and sincere yourself so I'd recommend you channel those qualities toward someone who appreciates them, and *you*.

Lots of pretty good analysis and advise has been posted here so far, but this quote form F50 sums it all up from the way I'm reading it.

I would add that, while real time D/s relationships come with their own set of issues and hurdles to overcome, I personally think you'll do yourself a huge favor in skipping the online variety of personal entanglement, and focusing on building a tangible relationship with someone who is willing to stand face-to-face with you. In doing that, I think you're going to basically eliminate these sorts of rather bizarre occurrences.

Best of luck to you!

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 41

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/14/2008 6:51:51 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

quote:

I agree that she is not blameless. I can remember (quite a few years ago) doing the same thing; I reacted badly to disapproval, said he might as well release me since I would be making more mistakes (I so over-reacted) and he sent me packing. Hard lesson learned.

I would have learned a differant hard lesson. On the list of human things that are going to go wrong when owning me, one is, I will probably occasionally overreact.
I am not much of a drama queen, and tend to lean in the other direction. But every human goes through the whole range of human reactions and emotions. Someday I will overreact. If you will dismiss me for that, instead of waiting it out, we are not well matched.

If I did it constantly, that would be drama whoring, and I could see a Man deciding that THAT was not a good match for him. But once? once is still once. If I kill your mother once, you might take offense. If I react badly once, over react once, disobey once, smart off once - those are more 'beat her ass and move on' things, IMO.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to laura2161)

Post #: 42

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/14/2008 7:30:00 PM

FaithBlue

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline

Wow...major insights here. I see both sides of the issue discussed, and it's good. Certainly, I have more to learn than I realized. It has been my habit to just cut and run from an argument in RL, and I know this is unacceptable in the lifestyle. BTW, what is the correct term for BDSM, when you're in it? Is it "the lifestyle?"
I thank everyone for showing me that I'm not totally blameless and that I'm not totally to blame. He did have a decision to make and he had to stick by it. We would have been good together, but there were some glaring flags that were raised during our communications.

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 43

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/14/2008 7:57:51 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FaithBlue

BTW, what is the correct term for BDSM, when you're in it? Is it "the lifestyle?"

FaithBlue, you're new. You don't even know what a can of worms you have opened, now.
So, I brought you some popcorn, since you wouldn't have known to have any ready.

Srrsly, there are very strong and diverse opinions on that little and overall incredibly insignificant question.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 44

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/15/2008 5:41:24 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laura2161

I agree that she is not blameless. I can remember (quite a few years ago) doing the same thing; I reacted badly to disapproval, said he might as well release me since I would be making more mistakes (I so over-reacted) and he sent me packing. Hard lesson learned.

Actually, I think you got away lucky. The truth is you are human and you will make mistakes. There are days we get up rushed and forget what we were supposed to do. Plus it is well known that for something to become a habit it needs to be done every day for one month straight. So a dom who expects perfect obedience for every new rule is going to be spending his whole time punishing, which probably is what he's aiming at, not teaching but having an excuse to break limits in the name of punishment.

Agree to no anal sex without warm up or lube? Oh but he can break that and take you dry and unwilling, making you need a trip to the ER because you 'deserved' to be punished.

Lots of people have fears of abandonment and instead of being able to wait until they hear what their partner's reaction may be, their anxiety forces them to do the worst first, just to get it over with.

But a two week, mainly online relationship despite living within a few miles from each other, is not one that should include the word punishment. Not to mention, they didn't discuss it ahead of time, because not everyone includes a punishment dynamic.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to laura2161)

Post #: 45

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/17/2008 7:32:18 PM

xensuous

Posts: 28
Joined: 2/16/2008
Status: offline

quote:

She put him in that position and he had to do what he had to do. Being master means you have to make hard decisions you may very well hate. But if it's needed it's needed. In the end she will respect his decision. Whether or not they get back together.

Wouldn't the 'hard decision' have been to either 1) tell her she was dismissed instead of just disappearing or 2) stood firm and actually trained her? Not everyone deals well with conflict, it's true, but that doesn't mean you just walk away without fixing things if you care about the relationship, it means you change HOW you go about communicating and interacting and doing the fixing part.

All of that of course assumes he is a real dom and not a 'net wannabe.

Dismissing her gave them both an easy out of the situation, and no healing happened, and not near as much learning as could have.

And no, FaithBlue, screwing up doesn't mean you are untrainable. We all have things we react to poorly, and you may over react again in the future. I hope if/when that happens, you have a positive experience from it and can learn to heal the past and grow into the best you can be. Best of luck in your journey

xen
(edited to complete a thought)

< Message edited by xensuous -- 9/17/2008 7:35:34 PM >

_____________________________

And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been or could be. - Teasdale

(in reply to blacksword404)

Post #: 46

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/18/2008 5:40:37 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

As to how to refer to this; the lifestyle is a term that some use and others roll their eyes at. You can still use BDSM or D/s if that's what you're more into than the play. You can also use WIITWD; am acronym that stands for What It Is That We Do.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to xensuous)

Post #: 47

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/20/2008 11:49:55 AM

FaithBlue

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline

Here is another update.
We have been in contact. We have talked about what I did and didn't do. What I should have understood, and what I will understand in the future. I explained about my fears, how the past was brought up and my confusion. He didn't communicate with me because I needed to think, and I did. Regardless of how our communication has mostly been online, he is very real. I know this sounds like a turn-around in feelings, but I'm happy. I thank everyone for their support and advice.
F.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 48

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/20/2008 11:58:05 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Good! I truly hope it works out for you.

And P.S.---Next time you "blow" something....make it him!

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 49

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/20/2008 5:41:04 PM

tychtyp

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline

He's playing you like a fiddle. I hope you understand that.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 50

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/20/2008 10:35:37 PM

FaithBlue

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline

Maybe so. I'm certainly not the first sub to be played and I won't be the last. I'm going to see this thing through, one way or another.

(in reply to tychtyp)

Post #: 51

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/20/2008 10:54:34 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FaithBlue

Maybe so. I'm certainly not the first sub to be played and I won't be the last. I'm going to see this thing through, one way or another.

This is commendable. There certainly should be a time period for you to objectively consider his trustworthiness and sincerity, but if you have and have made the decision to follow through based on that presumption, then the fact that you are willingly putting yourself into vulnerability without the apprehension of a potential lack of a safety net is, I think, the healthiest way to go into it.

You've made a decision and you're not going at it half-assed. Good for you. I hope that, at very least, the situation is one where open honesty and genuine caring abounds.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 52

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/21/2008 3:12:20 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FaithBlue

Here is another update.
We have been in contact. We have talked about what I did and didn't do. What I should have understood, and what I will understand in the future. I explained about my fears, how the past was brought up and my confusion. He didn't communicate with me because I needed to think, and I did. Regardless of how our communication has mostly been online, he is very real. I know this sounds like a turn-around in feelings, but I'm happy. I thank everyone for their support and advice.
F.

It seemed such a simple question (to me)....

Have you met him real life?

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 53

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/21/2008 6:11:20 AM

Hekatonkheires

Posts: 18
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FaithBlue

I'm a very new sub, even to the point of not having a contract yet. I wear a corset when I'm away from the house. I didn't wear it one day this week, and told my Dom after the fact. He expressed his disapproval very clearly. I panicked, begged for his forgiveness, then said if it was too much, then I'd accept his dismissal. It appears that's what has happened. Was it really too much? I could have lied and said yes, I did wear it that day. I must say, we live in different parts of the same town, and a majority of our contact is online.
My head is swimming right now. Am I untrainable?

No, you're not untrainable. Based on what little you shared, I would consider you trainable. You seem to have pro-offered the information to your Dom; he didn't find out for himself.

You mention the lack of contract, so you apparently feel a less-than-100% commitment (or some loophole to exploit, depending on what's going on in your mind). It's a little concerning that you considered the alternative of lying... if not at the time of your indiscretion, then at least in your posting.

What struck me most of your story -- unless you've neglected to share larger parts of what transpired -- is there did not seem to be much time spent with proper reinforcement or discouragement for your behavior. The reason(s) you chose not to wear the corset on the day in question? Your reasons might provide some direction for an appropriate response.

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 54

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/21/2008 6:24:40 AM

NumberSix

Posts: 1378
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Good! I truly hope it works out for you.

And P.S.---Next time you "blow" something....make it him!

See, it is all about communication, were winchymes to beg my collar, you can bet she would be often saying, 'Boy, did I blow it.'

6

_____________________________

"Who are you?"
"The new Number Two."
"Who is Number One?"
"You are Number Six.".
"I am not a number — I am a free man!"

Be seeing you...

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 55

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/21/2008 12:43:49 PM

xensuous

Posts: 28
Joined: 2/16/2008
Status: offline

quote:

He didn't communicate with me because I needed to think, and I did.

Did he tell you he was giving you time and space to think? Or did he just disappear into a mist of silence? In my not always humble opinion, giving a girl 'time to think' or some other form of silent treatment does no good unless you TELL her before it commences what you are doing! Otherwise it is simply a passive, rather non-dominant behavior; an unwillingness to deal with the issue. This would not apply of course if there were understood behaviors in an established relationship, but that is not the case here. While I really hope this works out for you FaithBlue, and I admire your commitment to see it through, my alarm bells are going off for you. I hope they are wrong.

xen

_____________________________

And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been or could be. - Teasdale

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 56

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/22/2008 3:17:22 PM

tweedydaddy

Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

This is all about fun. Did anyone tell him that?

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 57

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/22/2008 6:39:32 PM

lelandmowatt

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/15/2006
Status: offline

Calm down. You made a mistake by not obeying. Every sub makes mistakes. This does not mean you are untrainable. If he was upset and dismissed you then you made a grevious error. I gotta ask if he has laid out the rules for you and made it plain how you will be punished for mistakes. A true D/S relationship is about respect both ways............

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 58

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/22/2008 6:47:59 PM

MasterOden

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

If he dismissed you over something so trivial then you need to ask yourself if he's really worth YOUR time. Do not underestimate your self-worth. Also, try getting involved in a real realationship and forget about this online thing. REAL Masters don't conduct their relationships online.

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 59

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/23/2008 1:31:30 PM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

FaithBlue:

Perhaps you should take a look inside yourself at WHY you are "panicking" because someone you barely know "dismissed" you for something so trivial....

...You say your divorce will be final in about a month. And you have already hooked up with someone new in the guise of a D/s or M/s or whatever kind of relationship. ....
....Rather than throwing yourself at men and trying to start a new relationship before your divorce papers are even signed, perhaps it would be better for your personal growth to take some alone time for yourself.

I think the above is a really great point. You don't have to leap into commitment to somebody online. You can take it at your own pace, get to know someone, meet them in person, learn a little more of what they're all about (and weigh whether or not that's acceptable to you) before you make decide to get further involved with them in any way.

You don't have to do it that way, of course: but the above is a more grounded approach. If you often find yourself in relationships that ultimately aren't good for you, it'd be wise to at least consider it.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 60

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