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Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 9:47:09 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		Let me begin with some hard-won wisdom: when a Man's behavior does not match His speech, use behavior as a guide.

Now let me give an example of something from my life that just happened:

A Man contacted me and we reached the stage where we were speaking by phone. As You will see once my profile changes have been approved, giving out my phone number comes after we have established a level of mutual trust and attraction.

Yesterday was very taxing for me. Physically and elsewise, i needed to burrow down in bed and listen to drivel on tv...try to zone out and wait for a better day tomorrow. i'm sure everyone knows what i mean -- it was "one of those days".

i left my suitor an email, asking Him not to call. Nevertheless, call He did, claiming He had not checked His email before placing the call. Alright -- that could happen.

So i said basically the same thing as i had said in the email; don't want to talk tonite. He said, oh please, just for a few minutes. i said yes, if He would comfort me in some way -- even if it was just a joke to distract me.

Well, about 15 minutes later i found myself fielding questions such as "how do you know you are a submissive?' "tell me your darkest sexual fantasy" and so forth.

i finally said good bye and felt a weight lift from my shoulders when i hung up.

This morning, i left Him an email, saying we are not suited, please do not contact me again.

The speech was: i will only keep you on the phone a few minutes and i will try to comfort you in some small way.

The behavior was: i want a sexually-charged conversation that lasts -- possibly long enough to make Him cum.

So i evaluated the behavior and found Him lacking, and i dropped Him as a suitor.

Now, i did not post this for sympathy (i'm fine) nor for a purient interest in how my search is going. i posted it to illustrate what i said in the beginning; when behavior does not match speech, pay attention to behavior.

BTW, i am not at all interested in anyone else's opinion about how i treated this suitor. So if You get into that, just know i'm not interested -- i and i alone run my life and conduct my search.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 11/29/2005 9:49:23 AM >
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 10:00:30 AM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline 		You go girl! I think you did exactly the right thing for you.

Yesterday I had "one of those days" in a big, time way. I was casually chatting with my Sir when I got a very disturbing phone call about my child and told my Sir I needed to call him. He listened, he offered support and advice, and throughout the day was everything I needed. Not once did he try to Dom me or expect me to behave in anyway that I wasn't feeling. I was so grateful for having him to lean on.

I say anyone, dom or sub that doesn't understand and support you through whatever you are going through doesn't deserve you. Life is messy and we need those that care for us to take the good with the bad.



_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to candystripper)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 10:10:48 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Behavior is the ultimate guide, I won't argue with you there.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Littlepita)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 10:19:55 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

when behavior does not match speech, pay attention to behavior.


Darling, we dominant women go through that all the time. They start off by saying "I want to be devoted and obedient and cater to your every wish" and then when they don't get what they want, they bail.

And I'm sure this happens with all sorts of submissive/dominant combos on either side of the equation. I'm sure this happens in non-kinky relationships too.

I think a lot of this can be figured out over time. My boy has proven to me that he is not only devoted to me when he is horny, that is, it's not just all an act for kinky sex. He is devoted to me in all aspects of our life. I know that if I tell him to jump, he will say how high and what can I get you while I'm up there? However, my responsibility is to gage if asking him to jump is in his best interest right now. I know he'll always do it for me, but at what cost?

Now back to this suitor, I think he exercised premature dominance. For one, you hadn’t turned over your authority to him and two, he didn’t take your best interest into account. And as a result, the cost is that he missed out on getting to know a woman who I’m sure that, once comfortable in a D/s dynamic, will show total devotion.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to candystripper)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 10:39:09 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		Emerson said it first and best, "What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." Its not just true of men, its true of people in general. I've dealt with the same situation with "submissive" women.

For example, one gal who I had been speaking with promised to send me a package in the mail... nothing extraordinary, just a book she had bought for me, a map of a cave she had visited and a jar of honey she had bought for me on a vacation. Never got it. There was always some excuse as to why she couldn't send it. When someone can't follow through on such a simple task, makes you wonder how dependable they are... as a submissive or a dominant... or just a person.

Fact is there are a lot of people in this "lifestyle" who come here looking to live out fantasies. Which would be fine if they were honest about that, but most of them aren't. The headaches start when someone who is looking for something real meets up with a person who is just looking for a fantasy and one or both isn't honest about what they want.

Sounds like your caller was just looking for a fantasy Candy... next.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to candystripper)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 10:43:04 AM   
fldrkhorse


Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Women speak with words. Men speak with actions.

_____________________________

I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

(in reply to candystripper)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 10:44:00 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fldrkhorse

Women speak with words. Men speak with actions.

Talk about your overgeneralized simplistic statements.

(in reply to fldrkhorse)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 11:17:47 AM   
jamesthehumanrug


Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline 		greetings ,candy stripper,
how refreshing....
thankyou, for your sound advise.you sound very, inteligent .i think a lot, of tops have, innate arrogance ,and ,behave assuming you are, always willing no matter what, but, who-else, but ,a "masochistic personality" ,according ,to: carsons' ,interpersonal-distance-scale, would even be attracted, to such "arrogant-personalities", as tops anyway.
It IS very lonely ,at the top.

< Message edited by jamesthehumanrug -- 11/29/2005 11:22:14 AM >

_____________________________

I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

(in reply to candystripper)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 11:24:40 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fldrkhorse

Women speak with words. Men speak with actions.


What about people who are neither?

What about people who are both?

Damn I hate over generalizations based on gender.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to fldrkhorse)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 11:38:48 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fldrkhorse

Women speak with words. Men speak with actions.


quote:

What about people who are neither?

What about people who are both?

Damn I hate over generalizations based on gender.

perverseangelic


pa, i wrote the Op post from the POV of a woman dealing with a Male suitor. By NO means did i mean to suggest that everyone else blithely rely on words and ignore action. i feel everyone should observe behavior to gain real information...and when behavior and speech are not aligned, decisions should be based on behavior. As a general rule, when such "cognitive dissonance" occurs, i say, it is time to leave. i see no real difference between this and outright lying.

candystripper

(in reply to perverseangelic)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 11:46:12 AM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		I think you hit the bullseye, LadyAngelika. I met a "Dominant" that I really liked. The IM and phone conversations were great. We really clicked. He knew to say all the right things at exactly the right time. He had it all down pat - in his head. When the rubber hit the road it was more like this:

Him: Ready to go out to dinner?
Me: You bet, I'm starved.
Him: Where do you want to go?
Me: Hmmm, I'm not feeling particular, just about anything will do. (Note: I am the type of person who if I *am* feeling particular will just say "How about Thai food?")
Him: Well, give me an idea.
Me: I'm easy. You pick
Him: How can I pick if you won't give me an idea?
Me (getting rather annoyed): Because I don't care where we go. Pick whatever you want.

You get the idea. This type of thing happened all the bloody time in just about any imagineable situation. He was a classic example of saying one thing but doing something entirely different. How on earth am I supposed to submit to someone who can't even pick a restaurant? My motto is "I hear what you say, but I listen to what you do."

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Darling, we dominant women go through that all the time. They start off by saying "I want to be devoted and obedient and cater to your every wish" and then when they don't get what they want, they bail.

And I'm sure this happens with all sorts of submissive/dominant combos on either side of the equation. I'm sure this happens in non-kinky relationships too.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 11:48:46 AM   
fldrkhorse


Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Thank you for proving my point.

_____________________________

I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 11:53:56 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Thank you for proving my point.

fldarkhorse


Huh? What is Your point? How was it proven?

candystripper

(in reply to fldrkhorse)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 11:54:26 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fldrkhorse

Thank you for proving my point.

? This is the internet, the only way to "do" anything is with words.

(in reply to fldrkhorse)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 11:57:32 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fldrkhorse

Thank you for proving my point.


Yeah, cause that's exactly what she did...

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to fldrkhorse)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 1:08:45 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		My dad always told me "believe what a man does, not what a man says."

I have found that to be some of the best advice I was ever given....by a man.

I have experienced similar behavior in here, many times.....I repeatedly tell someone who is interested that I want to get to know one another as people, our "real lives" before getting into the BDSM stuff. They always agree whole-heartedly. Next thing you know, the conversation has turned to bra size, do I wear thongs, do I shave down there, do I like this fantasy or that fantasy. If that's your main priority, dude, bye now. Don't let the door hit ya.

chymes

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 1:14:00 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

My dad always told me "believe what a man does, not what a man says."

I have found that to be some of the best advice I was ever given....by a man.


We could also get away from the gender stigma by saying "believe what someone does, not what someone says". I know many women that say one thing and do another. This isn't a gender issue, it's a human issue.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to windchymes)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 1:15:31 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
We could also get away from the gender stigma by saying "believe what someone does, not what someone says". I know many women that say one thing and do another. This isn't a gender issue, it's a human issue.

- LA

*tease*

We don't need your pussifying and PC crap ways!

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 1:16:39 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Very true, Lady A....I was only directly quoting my father, who really thought he was preparing his daughters for the big bad world. He wouldn't let us drive the car until we could change a tire by ourselves, too. I can beat the AAA every time!

chymes

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: Differences Between What He Says and What he Does - 11/29/2005 1:18:16 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
We could also get away from the gender stigma by saying "believe what someone does, not what someone says". I know many women that say one thing and do another. This isn't a gender issue, it's a human issue.

- LA

*tease*

We don't need your pussifying and PC crap ways!



<raises and eyebrow>
Now where did I put that leather sleeve and gag ball...

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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